After I found out about WH's activities and we decided to work on our marriage we made an agreement. If I caught him again his motorcycle goes. Well, I caught him again, aprox 2 weeks ago. He started therapy the very next day. And he agreed, he should stick to the agreement and the bike goes. However, he is miserable, he looks at it as a punishment. He says "you are more important than the bike". But so were they, yes I told him that I fell that way, no yelling, calm discussion. But, I feel guilty. One hand, I feel I'm always giving in, I feel the fool allowing this twice in 6 months and then if I let him keep the bike. Well, you see where I'm having dificulty with this. He wants to use it to do his side job (lots of driving). But, it was also a major purchase done behind my back. I'm very torn with this. Does he keep the bike, or is it just going to be a reminder at this point? If he keeps it, is it just yet another example of him "getting away with" another dishonesty? Yes we have discussed this with each other, but I'm still torn.

Yes, I have an issue of always putting others before myself in all ways.

Are you talking about your child?

You know, that is not helpful. If you can't be helpful, don't post. Its comments like this that has chased my husband right off MB, which doesn't help us much. This is a serious problem for us. He is the one that set up the agreement, not me, it was his idea in the first place.

I would like someone with a helpful comment to please post.

It would be helpful to me if you would answer my question. You are talking about punishing someone and I would like to know if this is your child.

No, as stated this is my WH.

ok, it is not appropriate to punish a grown man or woman for adultery. What he does with his motorcycle is entirely his own decision. He is a grown up.

Now, you say you "caught him again." You caught him doing what exactly?

Atan, what are your ages? How long married? Any children?

Thats the thing, I don't want this to be a punishment. It was something he suggested when he was caught having EA's with several women. Found out 2 weeks ago NC was not even established with a few and he was on the verge of starting a relationship that may have ended in a PA (his admission) if I hadn't caught him so quickly.

I don't want to continue the pattern of caving to his will/wishes all the time. And the reason I feel he should stick to his suggested agreement is the whole NC being a lie in the first place. He knew when he suggested it, he wasn't going to stick to it.

Not punishment, consequence, but on I'm not sure of. If I cave again, will he just do it again? How do I not come off feeling more the fool/doormat?

We will be married 18 years in August. We have a soon to be 17 yr old son, and 13 yr old daughter.

See, if you go along with this punishment nonsense he can make you the bad guy. He is setting you up here. the answer to adultery is not to give up possessions, but to STOP doing it and start doing things to repair the damage done to the marriage.

Is he having internet affairs?

In other words, the threat of giving up his motorcycle did not stop him from having affairs, nor will giving it up now end his adultery. He probably made that pledge just to get you off his back.

Is he an alcoholic, by any chance?

Yes, mostly. A few were local that I just found out about.



Not diagnosed, but the initial consult put a connection between alcohol and his other activities. He hasn't had a drink now in 10 days. Yes, he was drinking on a daily basis. At least 3 beers usually more like 6 a night.

He sounds very much like an alcoholic to me, atan, in personality and in drinking patterns. I would look into alanon if I were you, and ask him to check into Alcoholics Anonymous. He doesn't have to go to a doctor or a psychologist to be diagnosed, he needs AA.

Since his affair[s] have gone on so long, I would consider going into Plan B. And then if he sobers up and sticks with a program of recovery, you could consider a program of recovery for your marriage. Plan A would be a disaster with an alcoholic, so that has to be addressed first.

Right now he is 10 days sober, and me leaving or making him leave would just be a set back for him. Plan B would just be a punishment when he is working so hard and succeeding. He is 100% willing to do whatever his therapist tells him, he is going to an addiction specialist.

The question here is after all, do I keep to HIS deal, and sell the bike, or do I just say keep it? He has said it goes, a deal is a deal, but he is upset about it. We aren't fighting over it, that isn't the issue. I feel torn in this situation.

Either one of us leaving is absolutely out of the question at this point. I was gone 4 days (helping dad move), and our kids did not handle it well. Neither did we, but that is besides the point.

I don't see the point of this, but he is a grown man so that should be his decision. If he wants to get rid of it, then he should get rid of it. But, this is a diversion from the real problem, which is his adultery. What is being done about that?

I do think he needs to get help for his drinking and AA is much better equipped to help him in that regard. A therapist can't help him with his drinking. Therapists come to AA for their own drinking problems.

Plan B is not a punishment, but a way to remove yourself from this situation before some real damage takes place.

What is he willing to do to prove to you that his affairs are over? How will he regain trust?

I'm done here, the only advice I'm getting is to either leave or have him leave. Not just on this thread. To me that is counter productive in this situation. Seems to me there is a definate double standard on these boards after reading the threads. My husband is right, this was a waste. Men who have been cheated on are told to work hard, persistance will pay off, stick to plan A, don't leave. Women are told, Plan A won't work, go to plan B, basically seperate. Well I'm done wasting my time. The question I asked was legitimate and literal, I can't word it any other way. I've already stated he is in adiction therapy. He is dry. Yet you still want me to leave or have him leave. You need to stop advising people or think real hard before you advise people to take the final step in destroying their family.

Hope you will stick around and read and learn. Melody is one of the best. I know it doesn't feel like she is giving good advice right now. She is concerned about the drinking, which needs to be fixed FIRST.

You can check out Alanon too. It did wonders for me. Please don't be offended, but you do sound a bit like the warden. That is how I was with my ex until I attended Alanon, where I found out that it was not up to me to fix things, but only to fix myself.

AT, I'm sure sorry I wasted my time on your thread, but you should know that Dr. Harley does not recommend you use Plan A with an alcoholic. Plan A is a DISASTER with an alcoholic because they only use it as an opportunity for exploitation. I am not telling you this because you are a woman, but because your H is an ALCOHOLIC.

Plan B would be in order becasue your H has been having multiple affairs for well over a year.

Sorry I couldn't tell you what you wanted to hear but that is the risk you take when you ask for opinions. I will leave you with this article below and won't post to you again.

Here is an article by Dr. Harley about alcoholics: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5048a_qa.html

Yet again he IS in a treatment program. You obvisously have made up your mind and are refusing to listen/read what I am writing. You haven't tested my husband, you are NOT a dr. You have formed your opinion, and you don't want to listen to what is being said. I HAVE read Dr. Harley's articles. And he says in plan a plan b that once a spouse leaves there is a great risk they won't be back.

WH adiction SPECIALISTS haven't come to any conclusions to the alcohol. He gave it up on his own. So unless you can show me credentials equal or better than theirs you have missed the mark on this one.

This is the last I post, and the last I vist these boards. I will be deleting my membership. You have done nothing to help, you have wasted MY time.

Atanimpass,

I agree with Mel, you made your M equal to a motorbike.You mistakenly trivialized your M vows and told your husband that he holds a get out of jail free card that he can play whenever necessary. Not a smart nor good deal for you. If you want your WH to respect your M as much as you do don't give him a price list.

Your WH is a very practised liar and I see that as the greatest threat to your M. Like most WS's, he has found that the secret to lying is to believe in everything you say for that moment, with a passion. But 5 minutes later it is forgotten, a very useful tool for the warped psyche of a pathologic liar.



And as long as HE knows this to be your vow, your situation and your M are going nowhere until you run out of reasons to excuse his behavior.

Best of luck