I am a male (45)who found out about the A four months ago. Since then my FWW (43) has said that she is committed to the M and that I am the only man she will ever be with in a M type relationship. We have two daughters at junior school whom know nothing about the A.

My question really relates to the issue of love. I have told my FWW that I love her deeply, not just as a mother but also as a woman, I have also told her how much I am attracted to her physically.

We have had sex a couple of times (initiated by her) since I found out about the A.

She has told me a number of times that she does not love me. And indeed has not loved me for a 'long time'. She still seems to be committed to trying to make the M move on.

Its all very painful, but does can anyone explain this lack of love issue combined with the fact that she wishes to continue in the M?

Do you know for sure the A is over? Has NC been established?

Did you expose the A?

It sounds like she's still in contact with OM and that might be why she's resistant. She could be "eating cake".

JinGA

JinGa

Fairly certain A is over. I exposed the A.

AG

A few things:

you will have to watch for more contact. Most still do contact each other at some point.

Don't let your W know your watching for contact. They will just hide it better from you if they are in contact.

Don't tell your wife about MB. This is your place right now. She can come here at a later date.

Read here about "fog". You wife is in it right now and it will take time for her to come out.

Right now your wife "feels" no love for you. This is a fake feeling and time with you (plan A) and NC will bring out her true feelings~ love for you.

Your story is much the same as others here that have recovered their M.

If she tells you that she doesn't love you... why are you sleeping with her?
Has she ever told you before all of this that she didn't love you?
Do you suspect that she has had other affairs?
Is she being completely transparent...or still secretive, either about the affair or anything else?
How old are your children? Do you feel they should know about the A?
And what type of feelings does she say she had for her om? Why would she marry someone she never loved?
There is a lot to this story that has yet to be told my friend. Sorry you need to be here.

MEDC

Who have you exposed to??

M2L is most likely right. I am always suspect though when people make comments like "I never loved you." It is true in some cases and I think it will benefit you to take a fresh look at how she was before her a.
But your wife could be in a fog.

Has NC been established....and I mean absolutley NO CONTACT.

M2L

Thanks for that. She has no idea about MB! We have been to a C in the UK but has refused any further intervention despite my requests that it may help.

I'm here because of the lack of support in the UK, but it has helped me see that there are loads of people in the same boat; this is good for me but also bad!

AG

mkeverydaycnt

Thanks for responding.

Well how do you establish that NC is absolute? I have read Dr Harley's book (ATA) but this is harder in practise than in reality. I agree with all he says though. BTW the children are 10 and 11.

Are you saying that if she *is* seeing the OM then this would explain her statements about love?

AG

Did she write a No Contact letter? Did you send it? This is a powerful tool that *must* be used.

Do check up to make sure there is no contact - because people get good at covering their tracks.

To whom did you expose the affair? Is OM married? Did they work together?

Summink doesn't smell right...

JinGA

Yes. As long as your wife is seeing, talking to, seeing his picture or even just reading any "old" letterfrom him, she will not be able/willing to reconnect to your M. She is/was addicted to the high of the A and the feeling that it gave her. NC for 2-6 months should be enough for her to come out of her fog and work on your M WITH you.

Who have your exposed to so far???

JinGA

No she did not write a NC letter. I was in such a state at the time that I had not yet researched what to do.

I am fairly certain that there has been no meeting with the OM, but I am unable to be sure there has been no other form of communication.

FWW and OM worked together but now he has moved to a different firm.

I exposed the A to FWW and her sister, not to the kids though as they are so young.

AG

There's the rub. I'll bet you a pint she's still in contact.

Have her write a NC letter. There are examples on this site. Have her prepare it, you mail it. That way there is no question about her intentions.

OM may try to contact her again, and she may try to contact him - that is where you need to be watchful.

IMO that's the only place to go from here.

Is OM married? If so it MUST be exposed to his W too.

Exposure is the best way to force an end to the A. The more light that is shed on it, the sooner it will perish.

JinGA

M2L

You may be right. Clearly I hope not. I will just have to try to ensure that there is NC for a while (6 months at least). Trouble is that we both work away from home and travel across the globe.

I know its up to me, seems life is harder than you thought|)

AG

Being apart so much is NOT good for your M. You really need to look at getting jobs where you two are home more. Dr. H say that sometimes extreme measures need to be taken to protect a M.

Is OM M? If so, you will need to contect his wife and let her know about the A. She will be able to watch her H for contact from her side. ***THIS IS A MUST***

You guys seem to be telling me that I still have way to go! Should I phone OM and give him a blast?

No, this is not about the OM. It is about your M between you and your wife.

You need to:

-read about plan A and start working on yourself.

-inform OM wife. Don't tell ANYONE you are going to do this. Just do it. A phone call to her or in person. *I had lunch with OM wife in my sitch.*

-watch for contact

You mean you haven't already?

Not sure what the pros here recommend, but when I exposed my XH's EA (internet only affair) I sent her a blast of an email. It was quite therapeutic for me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I insisted he go NC - which he was resistant to do even though he claimed the EA had been over for some time before I figured it out.

We bounced back from that - with a lot of work. We are divorced now - not because of an A - and I'm here to try to repair my M anyway. A lot harder after a D, but I believe it's doable and others here have done it.

JinGA

Ah I see someone more learned than myself has told you a better way to go.

In my case, OW was not married. Go with what M2L advises <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

JinGA