I’m new here and posted to the PlanA/PlanB forum, but they suggested that I post here. Here’s my story and sorry if it’s a little too detailed:

I’ve been married 34 yrs (since we were 19 & 20) and about 3 yrs ago WH took a job as a field engineer (better pay) so that I could start a business. The travelling at first was manageable, but at the beginning of 2006, a company about 600 miles away contracted with him for a 3 month assignment. Three turned into 6 which turned into 9 which turned into 12. After month 4, he basically stopped coming home on weekends saying that he had to work Saturdays. I was in corporate at one time, so I was the understanding spouse.

Problems with our only daughter (23), pets, business and an elderly mother didn’t allow me to go there. He called every weekday and evening, but I could never reach him on weekends. After month 8 when excuses were getting pretty lame (ran over cell phone, lost cell phone, battery died) I began asking questions. He was very convincing, but I still suspected. At end of year the assignment ended and he was home for the holiday, my dday came – hang up call. I then knew. At first he denied, then confessed. He said that it was nothing and that he loved me, did not want a divorce, and since that assignment was ending he would not communicate with her again. He changed our home phone so she couldn’t call. His cell is a company cell, so I had no records to look at. So starting the first of the year, he began other assignments but came home on weekends, we took a couple of weekend getaways, and I went with him on a couple of weekend assignments. I didn’t know about this website at the time, but I decided to go into what I now know as Plan A mode, and have done a pretty good job at it.
I looked at his cell one evening and saw a number that I memorized. I asked him, and he said that she kept calling him threatening to f up his life. He even let me listen to a voice mail from her saying that she was going to send info and pictures to me. I never got anything though. I did the reverse phone lookup thing and found out that she is our age, divorced twice, filed bankruptcy twice, has kids and grandkids.

I continued to believe that we were working on our marriage, but there was something still fishy. He seemed secretive, especially with his phone. Three weeks ago(end of month 5) was our anniversary, and he kept telling me that he would be home, but didn’t come. That same weekend we got a strange cell phone bill with another number. He denied it for two days, then finally admitted. I also opened his Amex bill that weekend and found that he was back out there with her last month when he told me that he was somewhere else.

So I called her. Very strange call. Not what I expected. She was actually very nice. She apologized to me over and over. She said that she suspected that he was still married although he told her he was in the final stages of divorce. She lived in his hotel room with him for over 9 months while her kids lived in her trailer. He attended family functions with her, attended rehab stuff with her son, etc and also let her borrow money!! WTF?? I then did some research and found that we now have two credit cards in his name only with over 10K of charges (supporting the EA). I figured out how to get his cell phone records and it turns out that this thing never really ended 5 months ago like he said. Also turns out that she was out of town with him the weekend of our anniversary. How degrading is that?

He didn’t really deny any of this, just had a different spin on it – she chased him and he couldn’t get away from her. Yeah, right. Cell phone records confirm that he chased her. He keeps saying that he loves me, does not want a divorce, couldn’t be with someone like her blahblahblah. She said that she would stay away, but who knows. At this point I don’t know what to think. We decided to go on a week vacation, but all he did was mope all week. He asked me to travel with him this week, but again he’s very moody and mopey. Since he knows that I can look at cell records now, I’m sure they will make other arrangements to talk if they continue this thing. I don’t know how to monitor it. The level of deception is what hurts the most.

I told him about SAA, and asked him to read and he thinks its all bulls---. He won’t go to marriage councelling because he says it’s over and we don’t need it. I believed for 5 months that it was over before and it wasn’t He can’t quit right now because he has a high salary that we need since my business is in a slump. We’re trying to sell our house and move to a less expensive house, but the market is tight.

I asked him to write a letter to her and he got ticked. Said he didn’t like ultimatums, that I should believe him etc. I really don’t think that he knows what he wants. He’s torn between the spouse of 34 years who he has built a comfortable living with (we aren’t millionaires, but we have a $400K house and a fairly nice nest egg) and the new girlfriend who is twice divorced, filed bankruptcy twice and has a gambling problem. Nice as she is, she thinks she found her sugar daddy. Any advice? I’m torn between continuing with my Plan A and going to PlanB.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be under the circumstances. It might be time for Plan B, if you have done a decent Plan A. The problem is that he is far away, and may just continue with the affair.

It would be better if you could try to sell the house, and move where he is, or somehow get him closer to home.

Knitgirl,

EA = Emotional Affair, PA = Physical Affair. Surely he hasn't tryed to convince you that they haven't become physical while living together in his hotel room? :-(

Who

OOPS, I thought EA was Extramarital Affair. No, it is definitely a PA.

To clarify, he lives with me, but his job takes him to wherever his engineering support is needed. He travels Monday thru Friday, but many times needs to stay over on weekends. I've been trying to get him to get a job with no travel, but the travel enables this A to continue.....

this is me being a hardass...

you ready?

because of the financial pickle ~and~ because this A is particularly ugly , involving her family and all

I without reservation make the following recommendation

get thee to a pitbull divorce lawyer

[color:"red"] pronto [/color]

do not pass "GO"
do not Plan A

get a LEGAL plan organized before you do anything else

doing this does NOT mean you do not want to recover your M

but hunny, trust me .... you will not regret covering your financial fanny FIRST

and actually FILE for a divorce

this will bring him quickly to his rock bottom

your H is going to eat cake for as long as he possibly can

and unfortunately for you, this involves spending FAMILY money on his cake that only HE gets to eat

this situation calls for hardball tactics

~anywho~
I've said my piece

PS

I really like your name

Yikes! I've been reading the board for a few weeks to educate myself, and I sure didn't expect that answer. Is it a gonner??? Is it really that ugly? You sure gave me another way to look at it. I was thinking that I had a chance at recovering this but now I'm wondering if I've been in a fog myself. Knitgirl is because I own a yarn shop AND because I've spent every Saturday evening in a f------ rocking chair knitting sweaters while waiting for a beloved spouse to come home!!!! Thanks for the candid advice - brutal as it sounds you are probably right....

I thing Pep means to protect your finances. I didn't and my WH and OW blew our savings, retirement money, and everything else he could get his hands on. Then he came back for more in the divorce.

Affairs never last, and I'm sure you know this one won't - she doesn't really sound like she has much going for her. Stick with us, and we will help you through this.

YES

protect your $$$

this is my main point

and do THAT before you try to lure him back into the marriage .... before he puts you into the dumpster financially

and in order to do that (if he's spending spending spending wildly on credit cards) you MAY need to file

get yourself EDUCATED about the fastest and most air-tight way to protect yourself from a HUGE financal hit

see an attorney right away to cover your [censored]

Believer's X-WH spent all of her retirement .... not a pretty picture for a woman in her 50s

KWIM?

this is a separate issue from trying to recover ... this is more of a 911 issue regarding your financial future

some WS go through the family money faster than others .... sounds like you've got a squanderer on your hands coupled with a financially needy OW !!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Believer and Pepperband:

Thank you so much for the slap upside the head. I guess that I'm still somewhat in denial. The person that I was married to would never lie or hurt anyone. It's sometimes like I'm in a bad dream.

guess you've been there too which is why you know what to do. I'm your age Believer, and the thought of it scares the h--- out of me. I'm sure too old to start over...

Knitgirl

I never thought my husband would do what he did in a million years. He was a good man who would never have lied or hurt anyone. He showed good character consistently throughout our marriage.

But during the affair, he financially ruined us. He and OW went on vacations, ate out, and just generally spent money, to the tune of about $100,000. in 6 months. Then they went through the rest of it. Then he wanted half of our home.

We are divorced now, and OW dumped him 2 weeks after the divorce was final, and when he ran out of money.

So be very careful.

I almost 60, and life is wonderful again. I didn't want to start over, but am happier than ever. It isn't the end of the world, just protect yourself. I'm sure the affair will never last.

Believer:

I'm so glad to hear that things worked out for you. I'm sure that when you were in my situation you were feeling the same things - too old to start over, how will I support myself, how to date again (although not sure I want to at this point). Lots of things run through your mind, not to mention you are losing the one person who you thought would always be there for you and that you would grow old with.

According to WH, OP is as he says "very much in love with me" and since she is single I'm sure she would try to get him down the aisle.

Did you have children? Do they know? My daughter knows, however she doesn't know the extent of it (that he lived with her, he gave her money etc) and I'm not sure that I should tell her all of that. Would you recommend telling her?

I would!

Your WH has made choices that have natural consequences.

Your job, as part of Plan A, is to never stand in the way of those consequences - because doing so (sparing him pain) - also stands in the way of his learning from his consequences.

We learn from our mistakes - or if we do not - we repeat and recycle our mistakes.

Tell your daughter ~everything~ the entire sordid story. This will hurt her - yes this is true - but she is an adult who can also learn from her father's errors.

And, she has the right to read him the riot act - if she chooses to do so. This effects her as well, yanno.

[color:"blue"]The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A[/color]


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

Plan A is NOT a decision you and your adulterous spouse make together !!!

Plan A is a tool for the betrayed spouse to implement in order to try and stop the affair ~and~ attract the adulterous spouse BACK to the marriage

do NOT discuss this tool with the adulterous spouse

Plan A is YOUR weapon against infidelity !!! The adulterous spouse is ~for~ infidelity, not against it .... be careful NOT to reveal your secret weapon of Plan A !!!

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Selfish Demands
Disrespectful Judgments
Angry Outbursts
Annoying Habits
Independent Behavior
Dishonesty

I think it is impossible to completely stop ALL ~LB~ behaviors during the initial SHOCK of discovering your spouse is/was unfaithful

having said that

if the affair continues

once you start Plan A ... YOU must be in control of your emotional outbursts

ASK the board for HELP to do this

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

time to take your OWN inventory

compile a list of things you historically contribute to the marriage that make the marriage work .... and do MORE of this

don't make announcements about what you are going to do ... just take action

DEMONSTRATE what an awesome spouse/contrubutor to the marriage YOU are


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

re-visit the emotional needs questionairre on this site

if your spouse is ACTIVELY continuing their affair after discovery ... try to get the information about his/her emotional needs indirectly

take the questionairre answering ~as if~ you were your adulterous spouse

then take the top 3 needs and get a plan together to fill their most important needs ~when possible~

caution is required if your spouse scores high on sexual fulfillment as their emotional need ... if your spouse is sleeping with someone else YOU need to enforce the use of condom protection ... and even that is not foolproof protection you won't be exposed to a disease

GET TESTED for STDs every so often if you are having sex with a still cheating spouse

MOST people in an affair do NOT use protection <~~~ is's a fact you must face !

Offering forgiveness and understanding.

by this I mean .... suggesting to the confused foggy affair-addicted spouse that there is HOPE for the marriage even though what they are doing is awful ... there is a map leading to home

often their thinking is thus: "It's too late now. I've done too much damage ... my spouse could never forgive me, so I might as well continue with the affair."

You, the sane spouse, need to squash that belief that they can never be forgiven for what they have done.
You do not need to forgive them right away, but offer them the hope of a future where all is forgiven.

you can word it something like this:

All of us do things we regret. When I think of some of my past mistakes, I am extremely grateful for having been forgiven by those I've hurt. I want to be in the position to offer you that same grace. I have been forgiven, so I inderstand what it feels like to be in a position where you hope forgiveness is possible. It is possible.

Pep

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.


Exposure is your most effective tool to end the affair !

It is important to SNOOP ~before~ exposure.

There are ways to snoop in order to gather evidence. If you have questions about snooping tactics ... go to the general Questions infidelity forum and begin a thread titled something like: ~~~> I need to snoop. Teach me everything you know!

OK ... once you've snooped and you know there is an affair ... and your spouse refuses to end the affair relationship ... you will hear:

"It's only a friendship."
"You are too controling."
"I love you but I am not in love with you."
"You are too suspicious."
"You are crazy."
"Our marriage never worked."
"I've never been happy."
"Our marriage was a mistake from the start."

TIME for exposure.

WAT has a great exposure thread ... read it

Exposure is NOT to the 2 infidels ... they already know they are in an affair!

You expose to the other betrayed spouse first.

You expose to your family as well as your spouse's family (if appropriate)
You expose to work, or neighbors, or others .... ASK the board for help regarding who to expose to

HOW you expose is important

wording something like:

I am saddened to tell you my sweetie is having an affair. It's been going on for (length of time).He/she refuses to end the affair. I want our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on my sweetie, please do what you can to get him/her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end.

don't forget these words

swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

you NEVER tell your adulterous spouse you are going to expose

you just do it


Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Exposure makes the infidel furious

stay calm
breathe

no one can stay furious forever ... being furious is exhausting ... consumes a lot of energy ... let the furious infidel fume and exhaust his/her self

YOU stay cool

You will hear:

"That's it. We are never going to stay married after what YOU did."
"I am moving out now, thanks to you."
"You are getting OP in trouble at home."
"Now our kids will have a broken home thanks to you."

blah blah blah

You respond to all the raging comments: I am still holding out hope for our marriage.

You stay calm

You don't argue

You don't explain

You do not preach

You do not educate

~and~ you do NOT apologize for standing up for truth and marriage and keeping your family intact

YOU calmly re-state your belief that there is hope for the marriage ....

if things get out of hand ... excuse yourself and go for a walk or a drive ...

remember ... exposure makes the already foggy spouse act insane ... but it is temporary

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.


Plan A is often misunderstood as "acting nice"

excuse me acting "nice' in the face of an affair makes me want to puke

Plan A is taking control of one's self ...it is NOT "acting nice" ~as if~ there was no infidelity eating away at your family .... infidelity hurts like battery acid poured on your skin

am I right?

heII yes I am right

so you scared and panicky betrayed ~~~> SPEAK UP

tell the truth

"This affair hurts me. This affair is going to destroy our family. Let's get help."

If your spouse does something really thoughtless ... SPEAK UP.

"What you just said (did) hurts me terribly."

"I feel wounded by your affair."

"My heart aches for the love we used to share."

But be careful ... don't get needy or whiney or weepy ... those are love-busters

it's a fine line between telling the truth about what hurts ... and staying away from LB behaviors

ASK for help from the board

if you are unsure if what you are doing is correct... examine how much self control you have at any given moment ... and if you are feeling in control of yourself ... you are probably right on the money !

if you feel yourself losing control ... step away and re-group

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

You never were a perfect spouse. You never will be.

You are part of the equation of your marriage environment .. but you have no power to cause your spouse to choose an affair

The freshly wounded often look at themselves and blame themselves for their spouse's choice to go outside the marriage....

stop

Sure, this is an opportunity to take your own inventory ... but NEVER accept blame for your spouse's choice to have an affair

The issue of not meeting the emotional needs of the adulterous spouse ~before~ the affair began is NOT a reason to choose infdelity

not ever

You are responsible for your choices, not for the choices of your spouse

relax
breathe

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

If we experience no consequences when we mess up ... there is very little motivation for us to change our wrong behaviors that have become a habit

do the infidel a favor

do not stand inbetween them and their consequences

show respect for the infidel by allowing them to feel whatever their behaviors have earned them

be it
shame
embarrasment
fear

whatever they have earned

let it be

unpleasant consequences are what motivates changing habitual bad behaviors

let it roll

Thanks Pepper. I've thought about what you said yesterday, and you and Believer are right - I need to cover my financial fanny before he gets me in to more debt.

And I will tell daughter everything. I was trying to spare her any additional pain - especially if WH chooses to move to another state with OP. I was afraid that he might not continue his relationship with daughter.

Believer lost over $100K. I guess I'm lucky that it is only $10K for me so far since I can find nothing else to incicate otherwise. I've been keeping tabs on all accounts and investments very closely.

I think that I have done a really good job of Plan A now for 6 months and I'm losing patience, diginity, self esteem, and all of those other things that you lose. He refuses to write the letter and continues to be "secretive" so I'm going to Plan B with papers filed to protect my butt.

ANd yes, you slapped me with something that I didn't want to face - the possibilty of STD's. This A was going on long before I actually knew that I was at risk....It's a bummer isn't it?

Lemme know when you need another fanny kick <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

YOU are a good woman KG

YOU do not "deserve" this treatment KG

Stick with us ... we are at your service <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

PS, I am prolly older than you

58 next month!

*thud*

Thanks Pepper. I don't think that I deserved this either - no one does. The good Dr. is right - this is the worst hurt that anyone can have the misfortune to get. I'm glad that I found this forum so that I have some advice and words of encouragement.

And yes, you beat me by 5 years - 53 in August.... Just when we were starting to think of a happy retirement something like this knocks us up so to speak...

I hope that I can be of service to others after I get my wings here....

Will let you all know how my Plan B works out....