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Believer,
For 5 months, I thought we were in recovery, but something still was fishy. Two weeks ago, a new cell phone bill came to the house and I opened it - another number. He denied it for two days (unbelievable).
The next day, I opened his cc bill to find that he was back in her state last month (told me he was somewhere else). I realized that he had been lying about it being over all along, so I called OW and that's when I found out that it had never ended. She was p---- to find out that he was really married and not divorced. When he found out that I talked with her, he said that he ended it. He refuses to write the letter though, which makes me suspicious. That is why I planned to move on to Plan B.
Knitgirl
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It sounds like he needs to quit traveling. I would ask him to get a job closer to home. He doesn't seem to do too well on his own. Would he consider that?
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We have talked about this many times, but there are always tons of reasons why not - salary being the biggest reason. I started a small business and I'm still not profitable so we rely on his salary.
The bottom line is I think that he likes this job because it enables the A. I know that this marriage cannot survive at all unless he quits travelling, so this is going to be a condition in my Plan B.
I'm tired of living this way. All of last year he left me here alone to take care of our lives (house, rental property, business, dogs, daughter with addiction problems, elderly mother) while he lived with someone else. And I thought that he was out there working 7 days a week. Even if this A ends, how ling will it be before another one?
Knitgirl
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J4J,
I somehow missed this when you posted it, but yes, I have thought about exactly what you said. I know that there were oodles of problems at home, and I called many times begging him to come and help me with all of this stuff.
My WH did the same thing. He was the sympathetic ear to her problems, took her to dinner, bought her stuff, bailed her out financially etc.
He would tell me that he was working as hard as he could and never saw his paycheck (love that direct deposit), but I would always say that I would trade places with him in a heartbeat. I would have loved to go to work, go back to a hotel and forget about lifes other problems.
I think I'm more resentful over the fact that he abandoned me than I am over the affair itself. Does that make a bit of sense???
Knitgirl
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ARe the problems with your daughter being addressed?
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Unfortunately no. He has basically stepped away from that. In a way, I think what J4J had to say is exactly what has happened to me - he was away on a long term assignment and the A was an escape from all of the problems at home - house, daughter w/ drug addiction etc. Now that he is so wrapped up in this A, he really doesn't care about her problems anymore. It's sad because his absence is part of her issue. They were very close and she misses him. She's hurt by all of this which makes the addiction problem worse....
Knitgirl
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If your daughter is living with you and has drug problems, what are your plans about her?
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She is 24 years old, however she is an only child. She was living with us because she was still in college, but we ended up making her move into her own apt. She has one class left to graduate and she is working, but this situation is driving her further and further down.She and her dad were very close, but with this A, he has pretty much abandoned her.
I've tried to help her, forced rehab twice, but the bottom line is that she has to be ready to help herself and she isn't yet....
Knitgirl
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Well at least she isn't living at home. I hope she will choose to get some help.
And you have your mom living with you?
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No, unfortunately mom is now in the nursing home and on medicaid.
Believer, I have another question that I hope you can answer. I see that a lot of those here recommend that you expose to the employer. I have a friend who works in HR and she told me that she didn't think they would do anything unless he falsified his expense reports. Although OW stayed in hotel room with him (which was company paid), he got a per diem for food and he used his cc to cover what the per diem didn't cover (which is partly why we ended up with all of these cc charges).
Do you still recommend exposing to employer? Is the fact that he is conducting an A while on company business of significance to them?? Any advice on this one helpful.
Knitgirl
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Some employers don't care, and some don't care, but don't want more trouble, and some DO care. You won't know until you do it. Just the fact that you are letting them know sometimes helps, because the wayward realizes that they are not doing the right thing.
Sorry about your mom. I'm starting to go through stuff like that with my dad. It is hard.
I'm just looking at the things you can change at home. I think men DO tend to run away from problems. My ex's father left his wife of 25 years for another woman, and later admitted it was mainly to get away from the problems with his 3 kids and their families.
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Good luck with your dad. Mine passed away 3 years ago. The only thing that I can say is cherish them because when they're gone, they're gone.
Someone in a thread mentioned that there was a good sample HR letter. Would you happen to know where it is?
Also, I saw your pic in the picture book! Biker chick are you??? Lookin' good.... Is that your X with you or your current??
Knitgirl
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That picture was taken on a day when I broke Plan B. He had promised to get rid of OW, and work on the marriage.
There is an interesting story behind the bike. The Harley is an anniversary year model that was always my husband's dream. We had planned for it several years in advance. I was working a lot of OT when the affair started to help pay for it. Right after we got it, my ex rode into the sunset with the OW.
Her hubby was fighting in Iraq, and I always felt bad for him, because he is a good guy. So when I got the bike in our settlement, I gave it to OW's hubby. He was thrilled. Then about a week after our D was final, OW and my ex split up. She moved back with her husband, and now the two of them ride the Harley. People here always tell me that she was after the bike in the first place!!!! LOL.
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You GAVE it to him?? What a wonderfully nice thing to do. You are a special person. Shame though that the OW ended up with the bike.
Where is your XH now???
Knitgirl
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