Wow, didn't think i would have gotten bashed as badly as I have, but it's ok i can take it.

i don't have a "career" i'm a secretary ok? i make $40k a year, our bills aren't getting paid, because we need another FT income. I'm being selfish? when we married we BOTH agreed that IF we had children I would be the one to stay home. Belive me my work is my sanity.

A stay at home mother is EXPECTED to cook, clean and take care of the kids. He does take care of the kids PERIOD.

I have been too counseling with him and they all say the same thing, I need to "chill" a bit and He needs to get motivated AND QUICK. so now all the therapists are wrong and you are all experts?

You don't know the half of my story - so don't judge me.

I have praised my husband when he's done well, I've told him how handsome he is and how I love him - but i NEVER am told anything like that.

Last night I laid in our bed and cried myself to sleep because I am so scared....all the while he's downstairs watching tv. not one bit interested in me or how i feel.

From Penalty Kill


WW, I don't think that I was bashing you at all in my response on your original thread. I was simply suggesting a different perspective.


Why denigrate your career? You bring $ home, and that's nothing to sneeze at. I prefer the term "assistant" myself.


If you had two full-time incomes, you would need to spend $ toward daycare. What about a compromise of part-time work for your H?


Look, I am a neat-freak of German descent. I like order. Maybe you're like that, too. But your H isn't. That does not make him a bad husband or father. Does he shop? Have you thought about drawing up a list of duties for each of you? You don't want to make assumptions about what he is EXPECTED to do....that's a guaranteed way to be disappointed.


People are giving their opinions, based on what you've written. No one is an expert, except on his/her own situation, and even then there are three sides to every story.


I don't judge. I offer my opinion. Where did I say that you were a bad person/mother/spouse? That would be a judgment. I said that I felt that you were comparing two situations that were, in essence, incomparable. That's an observation.


Do you want to heal your marriage? Do you want to have better relations with everyone you meet? If you do, then lose the words "always" and "never".


And you know that he is not interested in your feelings how? What you've just posted is a DJ, a disrespectful judgement. You do not have a window into your H's mind. Do not assume that you know what he is feeling, just because he is not reacting the way that you want him to. Talk to him honestly instead.

Look, I don't post much here. I post only when I have something valid to add to the discussion. In your case I thought that I did.

Take care.

WW,

I said this in your original thread... I think your H is depressed. YOU had the A. Why did you cry yourself to sleep instead of reaching out to your H? How do you know he "doesn't care" if you don't reach out to him?

Why are you here, WW? Do you want to heal your M? If you do, it's going to take a lot of work on your part, even when you don't feel like doing it. What is your plan, or do you need help constructing one?

I'm sorry you feel like you're being blasted, but there is very little sympathy for WS here, and rightfully so. I am a FWW, and I've been in your shoes. You need to hear and respect what is being said to you. I know it hurts, but it will help you grow and heal.

It seems like you are both in counseling, which is great. What advice have the counselors given you? It sounds like you don't have a plan, or the plan isn't being followed. So if you're here, how can WE help you, WW?

KM

WW

I agree with Katie_Mae that your H is depressed. As the one who had the A-you have no idea how painful it is to be betrayed. It is a world shaking, searing wound that leaves a huge scar.

I hope you have read the links on this site about emotional needs, Dr. Harley's basic concepts and have also gotten some of the other books suggested. Have you done the EN questionnaire?

If you are truly interested in saving your M, another book I'd recommend is Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. It will give you some insight into your Betrayed Husband's emotional journey and what you can do to help repair the damage you have done to your family.

Slightly off topic-but I once heard someone describe men as Laser and women as Radar in our approach to doing things. That's why when we are home with our kids we do laundry, clean things, make sure the kids are busy, and get dinner ready. We also hear them in the yard, realize the dog hasn't made a noise so we need to check that out, and listen to the radio all at once (radar). Men "watch the kids" and that's it. Their "laser" focus doesn't think of other things. Now, this doesn't mean he can't do those things-it's just not the way his brain is wired.

Please consider the advice you have been given.

I understand about the income strain. Ok, go to the library or bookstore and get His Needs/Her Needs (Harley) and read it. Share it with him but don't be surprised if he rejects it. Don't discount the fact that he c/b depressed but before you start hauling drugs into him, learn to apply what is outlined in HNHN about how to communicate with your H.

Is that too much 4 u t/d? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

I wanted to thank each one of you for your posts.

In the past week I have done a lot of soul searching and praying to God. The difference is, I'm not asking him to change my H anymore, I'm asking him to change ME!

I have been extremely selfish, not only having an A, but expecting my H to read my mind. I am so ashamed I feel like pond scum....LOL....but I know, with God's grace, he'll make me stronger and He will led me in the right direction.

Thanks again....

Welcome back, WiseWoman (that name sounds much more fitting now!).

The realization that we can only change ourselves is a very powerful one. I'm glad that you've come to that AHA! moment.

Part of healing, IMO is forgiveness. Asking your H to forgive you, asking God to forgive you - but equally important, forgive yourself too. Doing so will free you of the burdon of guilt, and make way for those positive changes to take place.

Actions speak louder than words, so SHOW your H that you mean to change <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

God bless,

JinGA

Good for you!

Now, Wisewoman,

Name the five things you need to change about you to save and improve your marriage.

Start with confessing everything about your affair to your husband.

Go from there.

SB

My H knows every single detail about my A. There is no hiding there never was. I told him EVERYTHING.

Five things that I need to change or that WE need to change?

Tonight I find myself stuck between a rock and hard place. Here goes.

We are having a birthday party tomorrow at 2pm for our 2 year old daughter. In preparation for this party, I asked (not told) my H to clean up the clippings (grass & twigs) from the back yard. Well bottom line is it's not done. The patio set hasn't been cleaned either.

Normally it would be like me to get really pissed. I held my tongue and asked him "softly" was there a reason he didn't do what WE agreed to. As always, the answer was no.

I am still praying to GOD to help fix ME. However, I am still tired of working all day to come home to chores that I need to get done because he decided to plant himself in front of the TV all day.

I know, I know, I am the one who had the A. I made the MOST TERRIBLE mistake of my life by entering into that darkness that I now have to live with every single day.

My question and I am begging you all to respond. Where do we draw the line? Because I had an A, does that mean that I shouldn't expect him to do what HE promised when we agreed that he'd work at night and raise our two daughters?

Is is acceptable for a 4 and 2 year old to watch TV every day for hours on end?

Is it acceptable that he takes no responsibility in the breakdown of our marriage?

Is it acceptable for me to have to remind him to call HIS therapist because he hasn't been in a month? (Past behavior - if I don't ask if he's got an appointment coming up, he doesn't go).

Is it acceptable for my H to ruin MY credit because his is beyond tarnsished?

Is it acceptable for me to look for jobs in the paper, on-line, do his resume and cover letters, when he does NOTHING?

I am NOT making excuses for my past. I feel here at MB I am being judged solely on my A and not on who I have always been. My H has been so loved by me. I love helping and guiding him, but when does all of this become part of his responsibility?

The passion in our marriage was long gone way before my A.

I am hurt tonight, because I feel that I am not heard, loved, appreciated.

I would love to hear a plan on what I need to do, if there is anything I can do.

Thank you for reading this post and know that I am sitting here patiently waiting on your replies.

One more thing I forgot to say....because of our serious financi problems, we agreed that he would look into consolidating our credit cards. He was suppose to call CountryWide today, big shocker.....he didn't.

Please help me.