I Plan A'd pretty well for a while. But I think what he will remember is the last few weeks before he moved out. We were not speaking at all. I was hurt and very angry. I think he will grab on to that time as proving we can't get past this A (assuming it ever ends).

I probably have another month of remodeling left.

Well we want to turn that around. Being that he is overseeing the remodeling, he will be coming over. This gives you a chance to plan A him.

I think Mel may have postd this to you before, but just in case... This applies to you very well.

Pep's
The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


SMB, I hope others chime in with their opinions, but I feel you should Plan A til that remodeling is done and a bit more, if you can. We want to plant some seeds in his mind, give them a chance to grow. So he can see the changes that you have made.

Hi SMB,


Good for you. A little laughter never hurt a Plan A, I'm sure.




You did it once, you can do it again. Keep visualizing your H hidden inside that WH somewhere at which you're directing your Plan A efforts. The more you do, the greater chance the real H will respond......eventually he may choose to evict that nasty WH and then de-fog....keep that your focus when you get little in return for your Plan A efforts.


Maybe this can be your timeline. Plan A during the 4 week remodel since it's a natural excuse for him to be at the house occasionally.....keep him wanting to come back.

Then go dark, cut him off when he's finished overseeing.

The decision is yours and you're fortunate that the strategy your lawyer is following seems to be MB compatible.

This buys time. The decision (to D) must wait until your emotions subside. Maybe a month will make a difference.....at any rate...you'll have a brand new kitchen in that time!

Keep us posted, SMB. You're doing great so far and the more you post/vent, the less frustration/anger you'll focus on your Plan A efforts. And it helps the MB Vets know how to help you better.

Me? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> I'll keep praying and bumping your thread when we don't hear from you for a day or two.

Ace

Just needing a place to talk today...

It's been a tough weekend. I have been fluctuating between exhaustion and weeping. I didn't put it all together until today. I realized it is probably in direct relation to my littlest one's birthday on Friday. Birthdays have always been a wonderful celebration at our house. I have often done "really cool" (that's what my kids say) birthdays, or we go out as a family and have some fun.

But my baby turned 7 Friday, and what happened instead? H took him Thurs. evening overnight and spent the morning with him (as per H's request). I had suggested to H that he take son Sat. even and Sun. so he could have more time with him. Of course, H said no. I'm sure he already had more important plans for Sat. night.

Son had several friends over for a party. But I physically crashed about 2 hours before the party. I literally had no energy left to function. Thankfully, I have really GREAT friends!!!! When they came to drop off their kids, they decided to stay. Just having them there made so much difference, and they took up where I couldn't. It was like I was surrounded by friends holding me up. But I still didn't quite get why I was so exhausted.

Anyway, son was having a couple friends spend the night. Well, my friends divided up my kids and took them home; and I ended up only having 3 very calm sweet 6-7 year olds at my house for the night.

H came over Sat. morning to work on house until about 5. I was polite as we discussed where to hang fixtures. It is so weird to look at him. To see who we are now. To not touch each other, to barely even look at each other. This is the man that held my body up in the hot tub while I gave birth--several times. And now we don't even touch. How did this happen. (Yeah, I am again sobbing.)

My boys had 2 soccer games Sat. so we were in and out while H was there working.

The emotions hit me late last night and most of today. I cried all through church. I have cried during worship ever since I found out about affairs in April. Today I cried through the message too. It was about loving like Jesus loves. And he talked about H's loving their wives. And he asked who is the most difficult person to love right now, or who has hurt you the most. My 7 yos stayed with me in service today, and when I was crying he leaned over and stretched out his arms to hug and kiss me.

This afternoon I hid in the laundry room and sat on the floor and cried. My 9 yos came in and "caught" me. He just sat down and hugged me.

They are so precious. I hate that they see my pain and feel as helpless as I do.

So here I sit again, crying.

I am getting ready to go to our small group from church. It is a group we were in about 7 years ago. I just loved the people. Long story why we quit going. But I decided to go back now. So tonight is the first night. I am looking forward to it. But yet, I am so tired, I could curl up and sleep for hours...maybe days.

I will check back in tonight when I get home. Hoping to hear from someone.

Oh, BTW, I got Love Must be Tough and am about half way through it. Don't really see type of Plan A style stuff recommended in there.

((mamabear))

I am so sorry that you are feeling the weight of all this right now.

I am encouraged that you are going back to your small group. You will be able to renew those connections but on your own terms. It is invaluable to have loving people around right now (like your wonderful friends who came for the party).

(((smb)))

((((((SexyMamaBear)))))))

I am so sorry to hear of your pain. The odd existence that you are living right now must make you wonder what reality is. Or what it was.

You did well. Stay strong. And know that someone will always be here to listen.

I'm so glad you have such wonderful friends.

(((SMB))), this paragraph brought me to tears, I am so sorry you are in this space right now. I remember it too well. (((SMB))) Be kind to yourself.

I have been typing for quite a while, and lost my entire post.


So here's a short one. Cried at small group, still crying. It seems the flood will never end. I know I must walk through this valley; and it truly feels like the valley of the shadow of death.

like many others here have done, I believe you have allowed this to go on too long. IMO, plan B is long overdue.

I'm sorry you are going through a hard emotional time SMB. This is not an easy situation and I know that it feels as if nothing will ever get better.

When I pray or sing worship songs, my WH's A comes to the forefront and I cry too. I think that's because we both know that God is our only hope and we are begging Him for a miracle. It's hard to wait on God because we want things done in our own time, not His.

Crying is not a bad thing, it's how we express our grief and sadness. This situation is extremely trying, so these emotions are expected. They build up and need to be released from time to time. Now is your time.

Hang in there and keep praying. I will include you and your family in my prayers as well.

Quite possible, MECD. If not too long yet, it is very close. In the earlier months, I still looked forward to seeing him. It was so much easier to do Plan A. And I knew for sure in my heart that I wanted to heal our marriage.

But now, I look at the man and I don't find him very attractive. I see a liar, a cheater, a manipulator. Yes, I know that is the WS. But at this point, I don't even know if I care which man it is. The fact that H can't surface, that H was WILLING to depart and allow WS to take over. Don't know if I can live with him anymore. That is probably the really sad part for me right now. I am coming to realize that what I have been hoping and praying for during the last months, will still be a horrible place to be. There is no "sweet" place in my life.

I am feeling much calmer today without the underlying current of tears ready to spill out. Perhaps, my son's birthday was a major trigger for the grief.

MEDC, as I contemplate the right time for going dark, I don't see it very feasible to do Plan B until the kitchen is done. Doing it now appears so much more complicated with many loose ends. But it seems to me that if I can wait until it is done, it would be a pretty natural time to go dark. My kids soccer will be ending then, too. So I won't be seeing him there. We can pull out of martials arts at the same time. So that will eliminate ALL contact during the week and on my weekends with the kids. It appears that so much will fall into place on its own about the time that we finish the kitchen.

But you still raise a good point: can I hold it together until then? At least, I think that is the point you are making by saying that it has gone on too long.

It was good to be at small group last night. There were several new families, but the 2 families we started the group with were there. It was tough though, because there are all couples, and the comments and jokes are often painful without anyone realizing so. And just watching them all sit together and hold hands, or rub their S's back, just all those little touches I have been going without. You know, those touches that say, "I love you," "I'm glad you're mine". All these touches WS said I didn't do. And I'm watching last night, thinking, "Oh yes I did. That's why I miss it right now!" I had actually begun to believe him about that one. (I didn't give non-sexual touches.) So another change in our history that I claim back for the reality it was.

MicheleG,

Yes, this is what keeps me heart and mind whirling. You said it so well. Where has my life gone? What has been real? Who was the man I loved?

Thanks for your kind words. I have such sweet memories of our life together, and even now, those are painful memories. All the memories that brought me such joy, now bring only sadness and grief. He has taken so much from me. I hope one day I can remember those times with some joy again. Thinking of giving birth, just reminds me of the family that my H has taken from us.

Exactly. I'm just at a point now, that even that miracle I have been hoping for, is full of pain. I can't imagine that after all this, that our marriage could ever be what I would want it to be. I feel like I'll be stuck with a man who I no longer desire and who chose to desire someone else instead of me. A man I will never trust or respect, let alone have the incredible passion and excitement for.

I have lost the love of my life, my best friend, and my partner...the man I envisioned growing old with...being Grandma and Grandpa T. together.

Even if he comes back, will he ever be the love of my life, the one who makes my heart skip a beat, the one I miss during the day, the one whose arms make me feel like all is well even when it isn't.

I just don't see it happening, and I was the optimist of our marriage...

(((((sexymamabear)))))

prayers for you and your family

Right now, it would be hard to envision loving your H. again in the same way because he is the WH. He's treated you so cruelly that you cannot imagine this is the same man you married.

You can't discount the possibility that God can cause a change in your husband, though. I remember my conversion 6 years ago and I feel that while I am the same in many ways, my conscience toward God has changed my behavior. This can happen for both of our husbands too.

If your husband were to repent and show you that he was making real changes in his perspective based on a relationship with Christ, I'm sure you would grow to love him again. That is what I want to have happen and I think this is what we are both hoping and waiting for.

The question is, how do we keep our hearts from hardening while we wait for this to happen? How long do we wait for the change? Prayer will definitely help, but I think our relationships will work out how ever they're supposed to work out.

I know in my case, I feel that I must distance myself from my WH. I've chosen to enact plan B right now because I can't bear to be used any longer by him while knowing he's rejected me, destroying our family and shows little remorse. While I know that this will probably not have any effect on my WH, I am free to stop worrying about where he is, what he's doing, and who he's with. I cannot express what a relief it is to not have to worry all the time.

I think that you will feel the same way when YOU make the decision to let go of this situation. It's a very hard thing to do, especially if you like to be in control (like me), but it's so freeing. God will work on our WH's just fine without us worrying. We just need to trust that we've done what we could by repeatedly offering reconciliation and leave it to God to do the rest.

SMB,
Your Plan B timeline seems to be lining up...the renovation, the kids' soccer. It sounds like that will be the right time. I think you should try your best until then, and then, you go totally, completely dark.

Do you have someone that can be an intermidiary(sp?) for you?

Have you really read up on Plan B?

Whoever you choose needs to know the deal. They need to know how to protect you from the everyday drama that WH will try to bring, and how to protect your privacy.

And you'll need to write a Plan B letter. There's are plenty here who have done it and could get you an example.

I can't remember if you wrote one before or was it just plan fu before?

In any case, now is the time to get your mind and heart in sync and plan for darkness.

Hoping all is well...

No Plan B letter before. It was definitely Plan FU.

I do need to read up again on Plan B to refresh my memory. The first time I read through it all, I really didn't ever expect that I would have to do it. I thought H's affairs were in the past.

I am not sure about an intermediary. Can you do Plan B without one? Since H read about it in SAA, and that is exactly what he commented on. He thought it was using the kids to manipulate and said it was childish. (Oh the irony of HIM making that comment.) I think he will see this as a ploy to get him to come home. What I want him to see instead, is that I am a strong woman that is ready to take charge of her life and will no longer allow him the privilege of being in it any more than absolutely necessary to deal with our children.

My oldest is 17 and so I don't really have to be home when H picks up or brings home the kids. In fact, last weekend, he sent them all home in oldest son's car, so H didn't even come here. I am considering as a possibility to only handle communication through email about the children and to not be here during picking up and bringing home.

Any comments?? I realize that most of you will say that I really need to have an intermediary. But are there those that have Plan B'd effectively without one? Are there some who have minimal contact because of children. I was thinking that I read that somewhere.

Anyway, I will be changing our schedule and activities so much that H won't be all that involved anyway. And kids rarely even ask to call him anymore already. In fact, they don't ask at all.

My 9 yos said tonight (after dad called) that it's great just hanging out together without dad yelling to clean up. I said, "yeah, but sometimes I yell to clean up, too." He said, "Yeah, but this is better." This from the child that was raging daily the first time dad left.

I honestly think that as far as daily life goes, all of my kids (except maybe my youngest) prefer H to be gone. How sad is that?! I realize that in the long run for the healthy emotional development, having dad here is much better. But only if he's the dad they used to know.

I am beginning to see that we are probably better without him.

MEDC,

So many of your comments have been coming back to me. Things like I deserve better and he's had enough chances, and I've had enough D-days.

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be divorced. But now, not only is it a real probability, I think I may prefer it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

What a roller coaster these past few days have been. I was grieving so much this weekend, and now I am at a place where I am almost looking forward to being divorced from this man and released from all this baggage that he has created.

I saw C today. I told him how my weekend had gone. We discussed where I am spiritually. I told him I tell God the truth about how I feel because He already knows. I told him I am writing Bible verses and prayers all over my full length mirror and my dresser mirror. I told him about my friends being there for me. To recap our visit, he said that spirtually I seem to be doing well and I am at a church that I enjoy, that my support system is great, and that presently, my finances are being handled. So, he says, your real struggle right now is just coming to terms with H not being who I thought he was and the loss of that relationship. I agreed with him. All other areas of my life are good...really good. My friends, my children, my finances, my walk with the Lord, my church, my daily activities...all these things are right where I want them to be. It just my marriage...it's just my husband.

SMB,
I've posted a callout for some experienced Plan Bers. Hopefully they can help you with any questions about Plan B. At first it may be hard to grasp everything that is involved and why, but I think with some guidance, it will become clearer for you.