OK, it's all out. H got a text message that I intercepted. He is in an active affair. He confessed that this woman is the same woman from all three affairs. She is an old girlfriend.

I kicked him out and DO NOT want him back. I have her cell number and first name and I need to figure out how to find out her last name and home phone, so I can expose to her husband. They have been together off an on for 13 years (plus a time when we were dating a broke up (22 years ago).

I have done intellius and am waiting for my report. But I am wondering if there is a way to find out right now!

Also, what do I do now to protect myself. Please look up my old post--homeschooling mom, 5 kids ages 6-17,

Thanks

Just calm down. Get the goods on her and expose to her H. You don't know her name?

if intellius comes up dry, I would find a PI and have him get the info for you. This usually isn't that costly and is easy enough to do.

And DON'T tell him you are planning on exposing the affair.

Sorry you found all of this out. I would calm down before I talk to her husband, but it is important to let him know the state of his marriage.

After finding the text message, telling him to leave, and getting a few answers, I have learned that last night--ON MY SON'S BIRTHDAY--H took 11yo son and friends to a movie. He said to them, hey what do you think about going in by youselves. They, of course, loved the idea, made them feel real grown up. So while our son was watching a movie on his birthday (which was suppose to be a special night out with dad), H was hanging' with his girlfriend!!!

How do I protect my kids from this crap??!!

This man has been cheating on me with the same woman for 13 years. I DO NOT want him back, and I don't think he wants to come back. I think he is relieved that he can move on.

My list of to-do's right now is:

change locks

call lawyer (visitation, finances, health insurance, retirement, life insurance, not being exposed to OW--anything else I need to address??)

exposure (his parents and siblings, my parents, a few close friends, close relatives, OWH (as soon as I get that info), a couple employees at work (H owns the company).

What else do I need to think about?

I can't believe I'm living this. He has stolen 25 years of my life! I have no love left for him at all.

Judging from your screen name, maybe you are having an AO and are not as set on terminating the M as this post seems to indicate. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

What happened to him AFTER you booted him out. Is the OW a gold digger?

Secure your finances before making any life changing decisions. I know u r in pain. Seek a MC immediately so you can make planned decisions.

Read SAA & HNHN, take the EN questionnaire and then Call Steve H ASAP.


L.

I chose my screen name in April. It is now June. Last night, finding out he has been with the same woman repeatedly since before we were married, "loves her", and was "just biding his time til the kids were grown", has been lying to continue the affair, my hope for recovery is now gone.

I no longer want to recover this marriage. I will be changing my screen name, but would like to keep if for a day or two because some people may remember me and read this post.

But let me make it clear, as of last night, I am not moving in the direction of recovery.

Orchid,

It is almost 7 a.m. I just kicked him out last night. What I know about the other woman is that she is "married right now", has two kids ages 13 and 11 (same ages as 2 of mine). I think they may feel like soul mates. This was his first love--makes me gag! The question of whether either of these kids is his has crossed my mind. Also, he told he long ago (oh, so and so stopped by the shop and we spent some time catching up, blah, blah) that she told him she gave up a child for adoption. Now, I wonder if it was his!!!! Questions I will be asking today.

He packed a bag and left and said he would call today. I have packed most of his belongings into trash bags and when he calls am telling him to come get it ALL. He has to pick up our oldest from the airport this afternoon and bring him home from a camp he's been at all week.

In that case I would protect my finances first, call the lawyer second.

I'm really sorry you are hurting like this. You realize by now you deserve far better.

Yes, last night my whole perspective changed. He stole 24 years of my life. I deserved a man who loved me and wanted me. He is a lowlife in my book.

What does "securing my finances" mean? I am a stay at home homeschooling mom. I have no income. Right now his check is direct deposit into our joint account. I am going to the bank this morning to open my own account. What else??

Make sure he doesn't drain your joint account. It isn't right for him to do it but many people would anyway. If you open your own account, transfer the joint money into it - at least half. Talk to your lawyer about getting an order to freeze any other assets. For example, does he have any kind of pension or profit sharing plan?

At the end of the day, when it comes to D, it is all about the money. Call the lawyer quickly.

Do you have her last name? Do you know where she went to high school? college? If so, go to classmates.com- oh I hate that site <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> But it comes in handy for this. Look her up and you may be able to get the info. You may at least be able to get her married name if you don't have it.

If that doesn't work and you think she has lived in the same town as you since she got married or you have an idea where she got married, you can check the county records- a lot of them have online searches.

You might also try putting her name in a google search.

I am really sorry you are in this situation.

I'm with the others-- with five children and no income of your own, its essential you get to an attorney who can advise you of your state's laws and get your financial situation in order PRONTO.

And as much as you hate to hear this: unless you are absolutely certain you can live on what you may receive in the divorce, you will be looking for a job and may have to rethink homeschooling. I do not think you could afford daycare while you work with the amount of children you would have to cover (I'm guessing at least two?) It bites that you may have to give up homeschooling (although you can augment the public school teaching on your own time) and one of the many reasons that being a betrayed spouse bites. Its screws up all of our plans, not just our future dreams with our spouse.

Begin setting up a plan immediately that covers all potential scenarios (you not having to work & being able to homeschool, having to work full or part-time and sending the kids to public school). Just having this will help to focus and keep from panicking. Check out the job market in your area (temp places are a great place to start and often pay more than minimum wage).

RH,

I'found out the name of OW with a reverse phone lookup thru Intellius as you did, but there was little info out there except her name, age and address. Since she was in another state, I began using every search engine and combo I could find. I eventually found out through her hometown paper (which was on-line) that she was divorced, filed bankruptcy, has grandkids etc. It was alot cheaper than a PI, but you do need the last name. Intellilus will send an immediate report to your email if you so desire. That's what I did and had it in 5 minutes....

Last night I had a talk with each of my kids ages, 17, 13, 11, 8, and 6. It broke my heart having to break theirs. Their world came crashing. They each handled it differently, but devestatingly.

I told the younger two that although mommy got married forever, daddy did not. That he has decided to leave. That we both love them very much and that this has nothing to do with our feelings for them. (This was very hard for me to say, because in my heart, I think a father leaving DOES say somthing about his priorities and feeling about his children--some men would NEVER leave)

I told my older three a more complete version. They heard the above and also heard that daddy has a girlfriend--a girlfriend he has had off and on for years. I struggled with how much to tell them, but in the end, decided they have a right to know and he has the consequence of them knowing his ugly little secret.

My only daughter is so angry. My two little ones have been crying off and on. My 11yo was totally silent and somber. My 17 yo is trying to help the younger ones and seems like it isn't effecting him (I know that he is).

He just came to pick them up for the day. It broke my to watch them go through what they did this morning, tell me they didn't want to go with daddy, and then go running to him so happy to see him. I was glad they felt happy and wanted to go once he got here, but so angry that he didn't get to see the heartache I saw this morning.

And then to watch them drive away..... I am SO SAD.

recoveryhopeful,

I am a SAHM, seven kids, homeschooled all of them. Two are my bio-kids--the other five are DH's bios now my stepkids. We have homeschooled all kids through high school, then they take the GED class at the local community college when they are 17yo and they're off to college with a piece of paper that says they know something (heehee <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />).

"Secure your finances" means that if you have been living off DH's income that he will mostly likely, very quickly change his direct deposit to an account that is "his" that he opens up. So, first thing Monday morning, go cash a check for most of the amount in the checking account, and put in enough just to cover what auto-pays may be coming out this week. Next, go directly to an attorney's office if you can afford it--to the self-help family law area if you can't--and file a motion for a temporary hearing and freezing all assets. If you go the self-help route, there are folks at the family law area who will give you the right forms (a packet usually costing $10 or so) and after you fill them out, they will look them over for you to be sure they are filled out correctly. Usually/often you can schedule the date of the temporary hearing right on the spot--so at least you'll know WHEN the temp. hearing will be.

That should be ASAP--Monday morning 8am!! Bank first--courthouse or lawyer second. Let him live off the OW for a while! RRRRRRRR!!!

With the cash that you have withdrawn from the bank, you put exactly half of it in an envelope or something in case he does the "How will I live" thing...and then you can in all good conscience give him his half, and hopefully the temporary hearing will be before the next paycheck and the courts will direct him how much to pay and when. That way, it's not YOU being a b*tch but the court enforcing what the laws of your state say is reasonable for him to give you for SAH, 25 years of M, and 5 kids!! (It will be a lot more than he thinks!!!) BTW, if he doesn't pull the "How will I live" keep that cash aside and don't use it except for dire emergency such as...it's been two months and he hasn't paid you a cent. Then, keep track of how much you use and why.

When you're back from the bank and the courthouse, call all of your creditors (mortgage, phone, electricity, heat, cable, credit cards, loans, etc.) and find out EXACTLY where you are and what the balances are. I say this because when my exH left, I had no job and kids to feed and after calling around I discovered our mortgage was 3 months behind!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Informed is better than not knowing...so call. Then, explain to them exactly what is happening and ask if they have options or programs that could help you in this situation. You see, RH, creditors WANT to help you pay your bill, so lots/most of them will work with you--my mortgage company, for example, had a plan where I could skip one payment and add it to the end of my loan, I could pay half the second month, and then pay the full amount plus the balance of the "half" divided over twelve months (so mortgage+ a little to regain that "half")...and by then I had a job and could do it!! Some other creditors did stuff like even-billing (one amount every month), etc.

When you do this, you will know how much you need to have coming in every month in order to "break even."

Finally, this last one is a toughy, but you'll probably need to do it. Swallow your pride and go down and apply for foodstamps...and claim "head of household" and all five kids. I know, I know! It's embarrassing and you feel crummy having to live off of someone else's money--but at least your kids will be FED! And if your WH is a complete jerk and postpones court and the house goes into foreclosure, you can move and survive...as long as the kids are fed. It's one less worry off your shoulders, and frankly, it's what the foodstamps program is really MEANT for--the faithful, hardworking mom who suddenly has EVERYTHING dumped on her all at once!!! So Tuesday, swallow your pride and go apply, as it takes a week or more to qualify.

Whew--that's enough!! After that, take a bubble bath and relax. You did it!!!

Your faithful friend,



CJ

Just received info from Intellius today that the report is unavailable and so the have refunded my money.

I will try to locate a PI. All I have is her cell number and first name.

Thank you for responding. I did some exposing today and full support from those that I talked with. One person has confronted H and another will soon. But the response from H when confronted was pretty much that he isn't changing his mind (which I figured out already).

I got a referral to a good lawyer, who called me last night. I explained my situation and his assistant will call this morning to schedule me in this week. H is pushing for quick disolusion. I told lawyer that I wasn't sure I was going to give him a quick disolusion. He said he doesn't recommend that because usually they are hiding something when that's what they push. I think I am going separation for a while.

Lawyer said not to touch our checking account yet. And we have no debt except a relatively low mortgage. My H has been very smart with our money and we have been working toward the goal of being debt free. So, the only monthly bills are mortgage, utilities, food, gas, and provisional needs. We both have very good credit, and that is important to H, so he will continue to pay mortgage. We are never late on bills, so everything is up to date.

I don't want to royally p*ss him off yet. I want him to keep paying and agree to what I want in the separation.

I have changed the locks and he now knows that because he has hired someone to finish the home remodeling that he was working on (he's very handy around the house). They met here last night while we were gone and I told him I would have to leave the back door unlocked for him because he can't get in anymore. He didn't comment.

My lawyer's office just called. I will see him today at noon. I still feel like I'm in a nightmare that I can't wake up from. I want my old life back...happy, in love, growing old together...I can't have it back...that SOB stole 24 years of my life.

Recoverydoubtful, (changed your log on name)

""He said he doesn't recommend that because usually they are hiding something when that's what they push.""

If your WH owns his own business, and if you have no clue as to the books or financial sitch of that business, then chances are very good that the boy has been squirreling away cash for a while!

Specially if he was "enduring" your company until the kids were grown. Which sounds like he was planning to split, so needed to stockpile $$$ for the split.

I WONDER IF YOU COULD GET LIKE A RESTRAINING ORDER ON HIS BUSINESS BOOKS UNTIL A COMPLETE AUDIT ON THE BUSINESS IS COMPLETED?

Of course, THAT would really pi$$$$$ him off. But it might need to be done sooner rather than later.

You said OM was an old girlfriend? Like from High School?
Check out the year books.

Stay strong for the kids.

kirk