Has he ended his affair? That is the most important thing, because this is not going anywhere until he ends all contact.

Secondly, the goal is not to punish him, but to savey your marriage. If the goal is to save your marriage, I would let him come back home NOW. You can't work on the marriage until he MOVES HOME. Moving home is in the best interests of everyone involved. Not moving home will make it harder to recover the marriage and make it more tempting for him to contact the OW.

The fact that he is reluctant to move home now makes me very leery, SMB. It makes me think he wants to keep you on the farm while he has some fun with the OW a little longer. I hope I am wrong!

p.s. SMB, watch what he DOES, not what he SAYS. Only ACTIONS count with a WS.

The man is, IMO, cake eating. Watch behaviors as ML says. They will tell you everything. IMO, if he truly has had an awakening... HE would be the one pushing to get back home immediately. I don't buy it.
On top of that....why take back a man that has put you through this for 13 years? I just don't see why you would allow someone that abused you that way and for that long back into your life.
This does not require a miracle... for this to happen it will require you to lower your standards to allow someone back in your life that does not begin to deserve to be called "husband" by you.

I have written a letter expressing my need for him to come home and to write a NC letter. Please give me feedback on its content.

Dear WH,

If your desire is to heal our marriage and bring our family back together, then it is critical that you move back home and send a no contact letter to OW immediately. Your words Thursday night were what I wanted to hear, but what you are willing to DO to rebuild my trust is what will matter in healing my heart.

We cannot begin to work on our marriage if you are not here. We need opportunities to talk, read, connect, work, play, and eat together. I think it is best for all 7 of us to have you home again. Yes, it will be uncomfortable and painful at times. But your being home opens the door for healing and bonding moments.

Your talking or meeting with OW to end the affair will put our marriage recovery in jeopardy. I need you to write a letter explaining to her your desire to be a husband and father to your family and that you can never see or talk with her again. That includes her taking her business elsewhere. But doing this, you show me the respect I deserve and your commitment to be serious about my feelings and needs in this healing process. I would like you to read Chapter 5 in Surviving an Affair before you write this, so that you can fully understand why it must be done this way and how important no contact is going to be.

Once this letter is written, I would like to read it and then mail it together. This is the first step in you and me saving our marriage and family.

Rebuilding my trust in you begins as soon as you take these two steps. I pray that you are willing.

I would delete this part. No need for him to understand your need for respect..that YOU DESERVE..nor TO READ SAA...

He needs to do just TWO THINGS..come home and write the letter..also, though, you need to see and read the letter and mail it with him...the REST can come later..

Hey Mama Bear....are ya hibernating? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> LOL!

I just thought I'd check up on you and change your inner title. Don't know if it will work but it looks like this title now matches the other one.

Sounds like a great letter with the changes Mimi suggests.

How's it going?

Ace

PS Have you read Princess Meggy's story on the OT forum? That will inspire you, especially since they recovered before finding MB.

Hi AIB,

You lost me on the inner title stuff. I'm haven't learned my way around here enough yet.

Thanks Mimi and AIB for the thoughts on the letter. I will make those changes.

I've been cleaning/organizing like crazy today since the kids are with their dad. If he agrees to come home, then it will be to a neat, clean home.

I am beginning to get a little scared. It was so much easier when I was angry and thought there was no hope. Now I'm back in limbo land. I am really fighting the roller coaster right now. I am trying to push thoughts out of my head so that I can stay on some even keel for the weekend.

Thanks for checking on me.

[quote Has he ended his affair? That is the most important thing, because this is not going anywhere until he ends all contact. [/quote]

I don't know if he has told her that he is ending the affair. I hope that after he reads my letter Sunday night, he will work on his NC letter.

[quote The fact that he is reluctant to move home now makes me very leery, SMB. It makes me think he wants to keep you on the farm while he has some fun with the OW a little longer. I hope I am wrong! [/quote]

This concerned me,too. But I wanted to check here first to make sure what I was thinking was what MBers would suggest. Now that I have some feedback, I plan to give him a letter asking him to come home. (letter is posted above)

SMB,

Wow what a read!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Ok, that's the good news now he has to walk the talk and I believe he can do it.

What you need for you is to keep a clear mind, calm heart and have lots of patience. He will not heal your way or at your speed. He needs to heal his issues at his speed. That's the importance of working an MC familiar with MB concepts.

Pull copies of the EN questionnaire and the SAA & HNHN books. Give them to him and let him read them at his pace.

You ask about your boundaries. There is NO instant boundaries. You had better be doing some hard research on you so that you can identify then implement your boundaries. In addition to straightening up the house, you've got some soul searching t/d. Do it while he has the kids.

Take this at a pace you can handle. He isn't ready to move back yet. He needs to make you and your family feel safe around him. That's his initial goal. The love stuff will follow.

You on the other hand get a handle on your BS attitude. You may want to wring his WS neck....hold on and let's be smart about it. For your H to come back, the WS must die. Yep, the WS attitude must cease to exist but you can't do it, he must. So give him his space to do so and you monitor it by how you are feeling safe (by his actions).

If you can squeeze in a call to Steve @ MB it w/b great. If not, find an MC familiar with MB concepts.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

JMHO,
L.

Orchid,

Are you suggesting that I not give him the letter asking him to move back home?

SMB, is there some reason you cant just call him up in the morning and tell his all this? Time is a wasting. It takes no time to drive home and about 2 minutes to write a good no contact letter.

Here is the sample letter from SAA:

Dr. Harley's (From SAA)

(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she&#65533;s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)

Tell him this is what you need and ask he let you know what he will do.

No I will..... or promises....you are both waay past that, he needs to show actions. You gotta be patient as to when those actions come. Within reason of course but don't expect him to keep jumping on it all right away.

L.

My personal opinion is that he not move back home asap...

too much potential for more trauma to the children...

here's the thing...

there is nothing worse that FALSE recovery...

continued contact hurts...
but atleast you know the true nature of the beast...

false recovery...
devastating....

the kids having to witness dad leaving again....
heart wrenching....and shattering to their core.....

also...while you certainly need boundaries...

you are not to become his mother or jail keeper....

he wants you...
then he does what any person does when they want something..

they persue you....

HIS JOB
is to end contact

HIS JOB
is to seek out and find a hugely pro-marriage counselor...

HIS JOB
get std testing

HIS JOB
apologize to your parents, family, church, and friends as needed...
most importantly the kids...with understanding that he has to face all their feelings

HIS JOB
contact the marriage builders here...

HIS JOB
produce all email access..phone computer passwords...

HIS JOB
become 100000000000000000000000% stand up dad....

your job...
sit on your hands
bite your tongue...

and watch......

gobs and gobs of postive attention when he does good...

tons of straight talk...
questions like what do you need me to do to help you once again become an honorable man who values the truth....

I wouldn't put my children in a position like for failure this soon...

ARK

Ark,

Your points are well taken, and please know I am considering all you said. This decision is so hard.

I think I could argue both options as the best choice, but making that choice...

I need to pray about this today and trust God's leading.

Mel,

I am not calling him today to come home because he took the kids to the lake for the weekend and today they are going to his sister's. I know a call asking him to come home instead will not be received well. Regardless of what anyone here thinks that may mean about his motives, from my point of view, it is not wise to ask him to come home early.

OK, that shouldn't have sounded like it did. Please know how thankful I am that you are all responding to me and helping me through the biggest challenge of my life. I do respect everyone's opinions and experience here. Please know that.

My tone in the above statement did not come across well in my writing.


P.S. I was hoping you would all be in agreement as to my actions so that it would be OBVIOUS to me that I needed to suck it up and do what I might be afraid to do. You guys are making this hard giving me different opinions!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

SMB, what I meant by my statement is that he should not waste any time coming home, for the reasons I gave you. If he is at the lake today, then wait until he gets back and them call and tell him that if he wants to work on the marriage, he should come home to do it.

This is not complicated, SMB. There is absolutely no legitimate reason for you to be seperated if he means what he says. Staying seperated only increases your risk of divorce.

Why are you not there, SMB?? I don't understand why you are acting seperated if he says he wants to be married? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> This seems to be a very clear case of don't listen to my words, but watch my actions. He says he wants to be married, but is acting seperated! Why?

There is something wrong here, SMB. Get the man home. Tell him what I told you above, to send a nc letter and to come home. There is no reason to stay seperated. I suspect he won't want to come home and if that is the case, you will want to flush that out quickly.

H will be home within the hour with the kids. I would appreciate your prayers.

I plan to ask him if we can talk for a few minutes and ask him to come home and to write a nc letter.