I think God already blessed your socks off with those 5 precious children.

When I feel sorry for myself and the state of my marriage, I just look at my boys and realize they are miracles... they make my pain meaningful.

I'm following your story and thinking of you. Don't worry about other men yet. First things first. As several people have already said, I think Plan B is appropriate for you.

Best wishes,
~Saturn

Thank you SR and FH. And please know, I am not seeking any men and can't imagine ever wanting to. (But I also know that my God is a awesome God who can do miraculous things). I married for life and will struggle with the idea of that not being the case, even under these circumstances of having a loser for a husband.

And you are right, SR, I am blessed beyond belief in my children.

SMB,

I've been reading your story and feel so, so, sad for you and your children. As a FWW, I can tell you that once he moves in with OW the fantasy bubble will burst and he will want his family back. Be prepared... whether it be two months or two years from the time he moves out, it WILL happen.

If your H and OW were such "soulmates" and meant to be together, why didn't they do the right thing and divorce at the start? It's NOT because of the kids. It's because they are both emotionally underdeveloped, [email]chicken@#@$[/email] dreamers whose realities will come crashing down once they lose everything that's real and beautiful in their lives. It scares me that your H seems so complacent and nonchelant about all of this. Does he seem remorseful at ALL?

I'm so sorry for all you are going through. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

KM

No remorse, really. He said he was sorry that he hurt me. I asked if he was sorry that he was with her...he said no. To me, that just means he's sorry it all came out without him planning it to come out. Not that he sees this as sin that needs repented of.

I was married for 18 years.
when my WxH first left (which was 4 years ago yesterday) he made the comment that "this is not the first A he had" in his mind - his multiple A's were proof that he should leave me. After all, if I had been a good enough W for him, then he would never have needed to stray.

it takes time to get over stuff like that. I believed his crap at first. after all, he had someone to go home to at night! and I didn't. So that must mean that he was a better partner than me. I would cry out to God every night. WHY! Why did he get to run off and have this happy life - while I was lonely. I was left with a house that needed multiple repairs - while the OW had MY H to help her around her house. She was a liar, a cheat. she left her H and took their 2 kids. But SHE had a man to come home to at night, MY H, while I had no one. That was not fair.

then someone told me: my WxH was enjoying his sin for a season. But that was it. Just a season. And let me tell you that it has turned out to be true.

One red flag I see for you - your comment that your WH struts around the school like he is all that. I think that is a sign of someone to stay away from. In the future, I would stay away from men like that. My Ex did that too. And many times he made little "jokes" about what a great H he was. he used to talk about single women from work, and how he felt sorry for them becuase they couldn't find a man. Many times I felt like he wished he could "save" them from being alone. He was always trying to set up blind dates for other people. I now realize he was probably also offering himself in that dating pool - just to offer his physical favors - to help out these poor women.

When he first left - he strutted even more. New clothes, grew a goatee, wore sun glasse all the time.

I felt like the frumpy, used up old house wife.

and just like you - it hurt my heart to hear his voice. Even when I clearly did not want him back. I mourned for the family I thought we had. the first time he took my boys for the weekend - I fell apart.

But that all passed pretty quickly.

I remeber a turningg point - we had to attend a parenting class. I had not seen him for a couple of week. I walked into the class, and there he sat unshaven, wrinkled clothes, bags under his eyes. I was shocked. "Are you ok? Are you sick?" he said he was just tired. From then on - I didn't see him strut so much.and after that - I only felt pity for him. No more anger. no more hurt. Just pity. He had really screwed up his life - and at that point he still would not repent.

Reality will kick in for your WH. he will be broke. For a very long time. child support will kill him. And all of these nice little excursions with the kids will add up.right now, he figures that the only way to make the kids happy, is by spedning money on them. But it won't last. Then what? He will probably stop taking them every other weekend. Or he will take them - but they won't go anywhere.And they will get into sibling fights - and drive him crazy.

He has enjoyed a fairly calm, safe, reliable life these past 19 years. But that is all falling apart. and I do not know how they ever get that back.

My Ex's OW dumped him after about a year. she was supposed to be his soul mate - his one true love. He said that God brought her into his life to make him happy. he wasn't supposed to marry me - he was supposed to wait for her.

But...she dumped him anyway.

And his life is still a mess - 4 years later. he ended up with OW#2 (she was married when they met, but left her H for him). they both work two jobs, and rarely go anywhere together. he goes fishing, camping, hunting, almost every weekend, but rarely does she go. Not signs of a loving M.

Meanwhile, I spent my time reading my bible, joing bible studies, and surrounding myself with Godly women. People I wanted to learn from. I listened to worship music at home, and my boys and I made a nice life for oursleves. In the midst of all this - the Lord brought a Godly man into my life. A genuine christian. a man who LIKES to spend time with ME! we go to the grocery store together. We travel, we visit with friends. We entertain at our house. He really, really likes spending time with me.

You will be fine. Hang in there. Read a lot of good books. Join Bible studies. Build yourself up as much as possilbe. You are NOT ready to date, but some day, you will be. So start working on building yourself up, to be the best Mom, and friend, and woman, that you can be. Because YOU are building a foundation for a LIFETIME of happiness - not just a season of sin.

WOF5,

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. They "hit the spot" as I am crying.

I have read my Bible more this week than I have in a long time. I keep going to Psalms and find so much for me there.

I spent the afternoon with ladies from our church (all of who are my closest friends). Every Tuesday we have Pool and Pray. The kids swim and we pray and fellowship. This is a tight group of ladies who are REALLY there for you when you need them. We have had an outpouring of support from our Christian family, and I know they will see us through.

So many people have said the same thing about my H as you, about the misery that lies ahead. Right now it is hard for me to believe. It seems he is quite happy just visiting his family and going about whatever he wants to do with his time. And he is relieved the truth is out. I hope one day it hits him like a ton of bricks, and I hope I get to SEE it hit him. But I'm not holding my breath. I guess what I really should hope for is that one day it won't matter to me whether he gets hit like a ton of bricks.

My pastor told me today that even with all the pain I am suffering, he would rather be me than my H because H is obviously not right with the Lord and the emotional turmoil he will one day suffer will be tremendous, but that I will get through this season and go on to live a joyful life.

You may not be there the day that ton of bricks hits him - but you will see the toll it takes on him over time.

I fully agree with your pastor - he sounds wise.

Someone also told me that the day would come, when I would look back on all of this, and I would say that it was worth it.

and I can honestly say that it is true - I am grateful to be where I am today. I am not glad to be from a broken marriage - my children from a broken home. I would not choose to have my H cheat. BUT I am glad that I have reached a much greater spiritual maturity. and I am glad that my R with my boys is strong. If I had to walk through the valley in order to get here - then so be it. I would not want to go back to the life I had before.

My Ex would occasionally go to church - but not always. And I never felt like he had a strong faith. He would never raise his hands when he was singing a great worship song. he never would have gone to a friends house just to pray with them. But now I am in a life where I am free to raise my hands in church when the mood hits me! And I belong to a group of friends who get togther often just to pray for our families. How Awesome is that!

I can not say there was one big day where my Ex finally had an Aha moment and fell to his knees to apologize. It was gradual. she kicked him out, but they were still dating. Then they were on a break. then they were no longer speaking to each other, and he was dating lots of women from the internet.
He did try to throw me into his dating pool for awhile. I told him that I would consider reconciliation if he would get counseling, quit talking to other women, and agree to go to christian counseling with me. At first he agreed - but he never followed through. finally I asked if he was going to quit talking to all of the women he met on the internet, since he was supposedly interested in reconciling with me. That is when he said "I can't quit talking to these other women - I have to keep all of my options open." to which I said "no problem, just take me off your list of options".

God bless you!

I can echo what womanoffaith5 is saying. I am at a point where I have such contentment. My kids are doing well, even though their dad is making little effort to contact them (he lives about 60 miles away). We went through a hard time together (after my XH left, I was diagnosed with cancer and had 6 months of chemo). Things didn't change with my now XH, but things were changing for us.

Someone in my Divorce Care group said that God never waste our pain. I can see that is true. Not only did God use that time to make us a family-without my XH-but He used it to grow my faith, my prayer life, and cultivate a patient spirit.

I don't need to know what God is doing in my XH's life now. I completely trust that God is in control and doing things that will help bring my XH back into relationship with God. And I am content to NOT be part of that equation.

Although I wouldn't wish my experience on anyone, I am so glad that I went through it, because I am so much closer to God because of it. The best illustration that always comes to mind is from one of the Narnia books, when the children go back to Narnia the second time. The girls run up to Aslan and put their arms around him. One of them exclaims "Aslan, you've gotten bigger!" and he replies, "No children, you've gotten older." I feel that way about God. This experience has grown me in ways I never imagined, and because of it, God has gotten "bigger".

Can someone tell me how to link my original post (back when I thought we were working to heal our marriage) into this one?

Also, no one has offered examples of how a "Plan B" letter would work for our Plan D, just to protect myself emotionally. I would love to hear what boundaries I can set? He calls the kids sometimes at night to "tuck them in", and it just sends my emotions reeling. Also, he comes early to the karate school to seem them during their class. I don't want him around during the week--really don't want him around at all--I can put our pieces back together--don't need the liar, cheater, manipulator, controller in their lives but I don't get to make that happen...boohoo!

I am not sure how to help with a Plan B letter for your plan D.

One of the things that a Plan B letter says is “I love you, and I want to work on our M, but first you need to get rid of the OW”.
I doesn’t sound like you are interested in that sort of message.

If I am wrong – if you do want to write a letter that says you would take him back after he gets rid of the OW - then please call out for help again with your plan B.

What I think you are really asking for help with is the boundaries of your relationship during, and after, your D. please, refresh my memory, where are you at with the legal filing?

For me – my attorney was very thorough, and she added a lot of boundaries for me. Stuff that she said was standard in a parenting plan, like “WxH will not come up to the house to pick up the kids. WxH will stay in the outside, and the children will come out to him. When WxH drops the kids off at the end of his visitation, he will not walk with them up to the door. He will allow them to walk by themselves, and then he will leave”.
At the time – it seemed a little harsh, but I figured it was better to get the boundaries in writing, and then I could make adjustments later if I wanted to. So if you have not all ready asked an attorney for help with the parenting plan, please start there. Also – my attorney knew how to write up the holidays and things like that. My plan specifically says that he during Christmas break, WxH is allowed to have the kids from 5pm on the last day of school, until 5pm Christmas eve. (that is something I insisted on – there is no trading Christmas every other year. I told WxH that I would have my boys with me, on Christmas morning, EVERY year. That it was not my fault he was leaving – and I would not budge on that issue. He agreed)

About the Karate school – can you find a place to sit where you will not have to see him? The turmoil you feel now, will not last. It will lessen with time, and eventually go away. I do not see any way to tell him that he can’t come around there anymore. I had a similar situation – my oldest plays a lot of sports, and my Ex started bringing his OW to his events right away. So I would sit in the stands, surrounded by friends, in an area where I could not see where they were sitting. And in time, I didn’t care where they were sitting any longer. Do you have a couple of friends who can surround you at the karate school for now?

Calling at night to tuck them in: Perhaps you can arrange a time that he will do it each night, so that when the phone rings, you know it is him, and the kids answer. Something like: Please call at 9:00pm each night to speak to the kids. That way we are all prepared, and you will cause the least amount of disruption.
I remember telling my WxH “My home is my sanctuary. I need to make this a safe place for me. A place where I can heal. Please respect that by not invading my space”

You can not stop him from calling them – but you can insist on a consistent time each night. In reality – most of this will likely go away. The WH tries to look like super Dad for awhile, but it is hard to keep up with.

I would encourage to not appear angry, or bitter towards your WH. Remind him that you are hurting, and doing whatever you need to do to heal. It will be far easier for you to negotiate you boundaries with him, if he recognizes that you are still healing from your pain. Otherwise he will just think you are a bitter, angry woman, out to hurt him. And he will fight you.

WOF5,

You are right. I do not want to give a letter about loving him and wanting our marriage back. I want to set boundaries.

As far as the karate school, I am surrounded by friends. Everyone there is in full support of me and my children,and are all struggling with his actions and attitude. It is a school based on Christian principles, and many of the leaders there are in turmoil about how to handle this situation since there is no remorse on my H's part.

I guess that setting up a certain time to call for bed is a good idea, as much as I would prefer him to get lost!

It is very hard to consider him an important influence in my children's lives with all that has come out. I realize they love and need him, I just wish he would fall off the face of the earth and I could pick up the pieces of their hearts and we could move on without him. Wishful thinking, for sure.

Not appearing angry is impossible for me right now. I cannot even acknowledge his presence when he is in the same place as me. To me, he is dead, because the man I married is dead. He is a stranger that I do not know and don't want to know. I realize I need to get through this for my children's sake.

Yesterday when I was at a prayer meeting with ladies from church, the devotion was on God's grace being sufficient, but that it comes AT THE MOMENT WE NEED IT. So last night, when he was on the phone with them, I was feeling so much rage. Then I closed my eyes and started praying, "Your grace is sufficient" over and over. And a peace started to come. When I opened my eyes, I was back to the rage, so I closed my eyes until the call was over.

His Grace IS sufficient for you! Good for you!

This sounds like you anger faze. It is ok to go through an angry time – as long as you keep going through it, and don’t stop there.

You may want to try reading Beth Moore’s book “Get out of That Pit” (or something like that). I am reading it right now, and like it a lot.

The real key for you right now – is to not dwell on your anger. You have every right to be angry, but it won’t do you any good at all. And if you blow up at him, call him names, make a scene, etc, he will just throw that all back in your face later with phrases like “see how horrible she is! That is why I had to leave!! She is like that all the time!!!”

Keep your cool, stay calm when you are speaking, and don’t give him anything to throw back in your face later. Believe me – your calm attitude will drive him crazy! I know that you would never seek revenge – you know better – BUT let me tell you that if you stay calm, above board, mature, then you will be getting the best revenge ever. If you continue to shine like the diamond you are, he will continue to look like crap, and life will just take care of itself.

When people used to say “How could your H leave you! You are so nice!” I would respond with “I will admit that I was not the perfect W. I could have done better. I just wish he had not felt the need to seek attention outside of our M”. No harsh words – no name calling. The result? The next time he would try to make excuses for himself, try to cover up his horrible behavior, people would say “you are such a jerk! She never says anything mean about you! ”

Do you see what I mean? I am not suggesting that you should pretend, or play games, just to make him look bad. What I am suggesting is that when you are the more mature person – when you refuse to dwell in anger or bitterness, you allow God to work on His own. And let me tell you – God can work just fine all by Himself! He really doesn’t need you to point out your WH’s faults, or his sins.

And when you spend your days loving on your kids, studying the word, praying, worshiping, being the best friend and Mom and daughter you can be – then before long the anger, and the fear just start to go away. When you see your full life, and realize how many people truly love you – there will not be room for bitterness in your heart. And that is a very good thing.

Our pastor preached a great sermon on Forgiveness recently, and my favorite line was this:
Something has happend to you, in your past, that does NOT define who you are.

Think about that. This is bad – and it is not fair. But it does NOT define who you are.

OK, I am afraid to even post this after all I said this week about NOT wanting him back. But here goes...

God was preparing my heart the 24 hours before my H asked to talk to me. I was so full of anger this week, that without a softening of my heart, I would have refused to even hear what my H had to say. I went to church Wednesday evening and was surprised and rattled to see my H there. Worship was intense for me and I really felt God moving in my heart. Then the message was about generational curses--which is most definitely what we are dealing with. I knew that all along but did not truly understand the bondage that comes with it. So I left there feeling a SMALL bit of compassion for my husband--not understanding, not acceptance--just compassion as I truly began to see his brokenness in the message. BUT I was so angry at myself for feeling compassion for the man who destroyed my heart and devastated my children. So I wrestled with this throughout the next day. I had counseling that afternoon and ranted to my counselor about my anger. Towards the end my counselor says to me, I need to say something that you probably aren't going to like right now. He tells me that he hasn't given up hope on my marriage because of my ability to feel compassion. He says, yes, it would take a miracle from God and a long, slow process, but that he doesn't yet see the door closed. I did not want to hear this and tried to deny it, by finally admitted that there is nothing I want more than to have my family back and healing to take place. But I told him, I did not believe it was possible because I was sure that my H had made his decision and was not coming back.

Everything I read here told me it could be possible, but I truly thought I had lost his heart for good.

I get home from counseling and respond to an earlier email from my husband about setting up a visitation schedule. I tell him I will agree to it, but then go on to tell him:

"Please understand how difficult and unbelievable this all is for me. To have you tell me you don't love me and want to be with someone else has left me heartbroken and incredibly confused about our relationship and our history. But now to face that because of your personal desires, I have to be without my children every other weekend for the rest of their childhood, is a reality I am still processing."

Well, a few hours later he calls and asks if we could get together that evening to talk. I agreed, having no idea what he wanted to talk about. I admit I expected it to be divorce details but I hoped it would be his wanting his family back.

He came in the door a completely different man than he has been for the past 6 months. He was my husband again. Now I understand what you all mean about the wayward attitude and sometimes you're talking to the wayward and sometimes to your spouse. He was humble and remorseful. He has refused to give me much details up to this point. But last night, he told me he would like to answer all of my questions. So I started at the beginning of our relationship and progressed through it until I had all the pieces. And the story I got last night FINALLY fits what I have lived; the pieces finally fit. Because of that and because of the peace God gave me after our conversation, I believe he was honest for the first time in months. He didn't bulk or stumble on any of my questions. His attitude was totally different, as if his desire was to help me instead of protect him (or her).

So here is the story I now believe to be the truth. 12-13 years ago this old girlfriend came to his business as a customer. They went to lunch and an emotional affair began. It lasted a month or two then they agreed to end it. Many really good years pass. Then about 6 years ago, the same scenario takes place--emotional involvement for a short time and then it ended. Zip forward to January of this year. She comes to his business again and they start talking and meeting. This now leads to a physical affair, that is just now ending (I hope).

My husband has been loving, kind, respectful, admiring to me throughout our entire relationship--until January. This is part of why I say the pieces fit. I believe when he allowed it to become physical, he checked out on me emotionally. He has been like a stranger these past months. That's what lead me to believe he was having a mid-life crisis affair.

After answering all of my questions. I tell him he has destroyed the 6 people who love him most (me and the kids) and ask him was she worth it. He tells me NO. Huh? I wasn't expecting that. I thought he was finally answering my questions to give me some closure. He tells me my memories of our relationship were real and all the things I thought he felt, he really did.

Now, I don't want to be a fool, but this story FITS. And it is good to have the best years of my life back. It was torment thinking it was all lies.

He tells me that the last 2 weeks without his family have been horrible. He is crying a lot and can't sleep. I am so glad at this point that I had been firm and cold with him. He got a taste of reality without us, and I was afraid it wouldn't hurt him, and he is telling me it devastated him.

He proceeds to tell me that if I am still willing, he would like to go to marriage counseling. He will go where ever I want and whenever I want.

I ask him, you do realize that this means you can never, ever, ever have any type of contact with this woman ever again. He says yes, he realizes that.

He tells me he feels we need to take it slow, knowing that there is much healing that needs to take place.

So he asks if there are any other questions I need answered and I say not right now. We agree to contact my counselor and set up a session for us both.

He asks if there is anything I need from him right now. I say I really need a hug. We hug long and he again tells me how truly sorry he is for how much he has hurt me.

Then he leaves.

I text him later telling him how much his willingness to be honest meant to me.

He just came to pick up the kids for his weekend with them. Before he left, I asked him if he was still on the same page as he was yesterday and he says yes.

OK, I don't want to get beat up for believing him after all these lies. But he was my husband again. And he was remorseful and willingly honest. I saw him broken and hope that this is the bottom he needed to turn his heart toward home.

I have read here about how plan B can really end the affair. I look at what I have been doing these last few months. I Plan A'd like crazy when I first found out, and I know I blew his socks off because he even commented on it last night. I only told a few people during that time because I thought the affair was over and we were working toward recovery. But 2 weeks ago when he led me to believe that she had been the one he wanted all along, I exposed like crazy, not with intent to reconcile, but with intent to end the deception. I kicked him out and probably did as close to a Plan B as possible without writing a letter. I considered him dead to me and cut him off from everything I possibly could. I refused to call him for help in any way and I told him I could handle things just fine without him.

I am here now asking you all: Where do we go from here. While he has the kids, I want to come up with my boundaries and what I expect from him at this point. My counselor is booked out 2 weeks, but knowing the circumstances, is going to call if there are any cancellations. He said to call him back Monday and he would see what he could do. I don't want to be in limbo for two weeks. I want to act on this now.

I know that a NC letter is absolutely necessary and must include that she will need to take her business elsewhere.

What do we do after that? I am willing to let him come home, but I don't know if that is wise or not. I forgive quickly when I believe the person is sincere. I don't want to put myself emotionally in danger though.

What are some healthy boundaries, accountabilities, etc. I feel at this point, it all needs to be on my terms. He has to be willing to agree to whatever I need to heal.

SMB,

I think I saw your sitch last spring as DKG...or did I?

I am no expert but I suggest you reflect your new request in your title (take out 'Plan D' and 'do NOT want him back' if, in fact that is no longer true).

Sounds like your WH has begun to shed his fog slowly. Do NOT let down your guard. I forgave immediately and had 3 more D-Days within the next 6 months.

It's a weekend so things slow down, but you should be able to get your help with boundaries from other sources on this site as well as threads and posts. Read, read, read and ask, ask, ask....even if it takes folks awhile to answer.

Read Marriedfor30yrs' thread on the Just Found Out forum. She is an excellent writer (funnier than all-get-out) who has had great advice posted to her. She does not have young children in the home but you should still be able to relate to her situation.

Schoolbus has posted some great boundary ideas but I can't remember on which thread.

Sorry I can't help much but I will be praying for you and your lovely children. Others will help soon.

Ace

See if he will write a no contact letter. That is essential. If he agrees, then have him write it, and you send it. If he refuses, you will know that he is not that serious.

I was feeling good about all this until this part:

"He tells me he feels we need to take it slow, knowing that there is much healing that needs to take place."

Take WHAT slow? If you are talking about getting back together and taking some action at a SLOW PACE then I suspect he intends on continuing his affair for awhile.

What needs to happen NOW - TODAY - is that he comes back home. Being out there without you keeps him unaccountable and leaves him vulnerable to temptation. He should come home NOW.

A no contact letter patterned after the one in Surviving an Affair, should be written by you both and mailed by you to the OW. He should agree to never ever see or speak to the OW again even if you have to move to another state to achieve this. Contact with the OW should end NOW. TODAY.

This is not something that should be done "slowly." Taking your time on these actions only increases the odds of a continuing affair, which will mean the death of your marriage.

SMB, in short, talk is cute and all, but it is very CHEAP coming from a wayward. You can ONLY go by ACTIONS. They can say some real SINCERE sounding words, but it is just blabber without some real action behind it.

Is he willing to do what it takes to save your marriage or is he just all talk?

AIB: Thanks for the encouragement. After reading your post, I went over and read MF30Y. That's why it is now 1:23 a.m. I miss my family tonight (first weekend with dad).

ML: I am so glad you replied. I was thinking the same thing that you said about him coming home now. My take on him "going slow" is that he recognizes the damage and fears moving home may be more than I can emotionally handle, especially considering how cold I have been to him the past 2 weeks. However, I see it completely differently. I want him home very much. If he really wants to do this, I don't want a visitor. And I was thinking that was the MB way. Although, some IRL have told me not to let him back in too soon. That he needs to hurt some more and prove himself before I allow him home. But him being gone makes it too easy to, of course, continue contact and not be accountable. Also, how can we talk, read, connect if he isn't here? I think he also worries about getting the kids hopes up and disappointing them. But the way I see it, you're either in or you're out. If he's in, he needs to put both feet in.

I want to think this through this weekend so that I can talk with him or write out what I need and give it to him when he brings the kids home.

SBM,

I thought this might happen...because you were still too "angry" for it to truly be over. When it is over, you will be totally indifferent to him.

So, the thing that Mel is trying to tell you is that he is saying that HE wants to take it slow so that he can dangle you on that line. YOU need to be the one that sets the conditions for his return home...you let him drive it, and it will end up in the ditch.

If he were truly serious about this...he would be begging to come home. If you agree with this "taking it slow" instruction from him, you are going to be giving permission for him to maintain contact with this OW while you are allowing him to "take it slow".

"taking it slow" instruction from the WS ain't nothing but a ploy to eat cake.

JMHO
committed

SMB,

Taking things "slow" will also hinder recovery and prolong his withdrawl. Trust me on this one, I'm telling you this from a BTDT standpoint. He needs to jump in with both feet, not stick one toe in at a time to test the water.

LC

SMB,

Pre-MB, my WH said all the right things, did things to show he was committed to me, appeared to be over his fantasy.....and I believed him. (MC--at that time--said to 'just trust God' to help WH.)

6 months and 2 more secret email accounts and 3-more D-Days later, I discovered the evils of withdrawal the hard way. WH had lied to that MC all along. Then we found MB.

The attitude your WH has towards a No Contact letter that you witness being sent and received by OW (if possible) will tell you where his heart is.

My WH wrote and emailed the first one on D-Day #3, but that OW thought I had dictated it b/c he did NOT make any of his usual typos.

After D-Day #4, he offered to hand-write another NC letter in blue ink which we sent with a copy of HNHN to her work address.

My H was anxious to do this immediately. If your H is not, that might mean what Mel and Committed and Believer have indicated. We also quit seeing that MC and read MB books instead. (My story attached to my sig line has all the sordid details.)

The only "slow" in our recovery was/is my rebuilding trust in him, which he totally understands and is helping me progress by being completely transparent.....24/7, even to the point of overkill. (Can any WS be too transparent?)

You ARE the driver, SMB. Keep posting and asking to establish your plan and I'm sure many will help, even if it is a 'slow MB boards' holiday weekend.

I'm praying for you.

Ace