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I am having a real emotional time today over the idea that "he loves me, but not like a husband loves a wife." I've been reading enough to know this is typical fog talk. But it doesn't make it hurt any less. It is stabbing me in the heart all day today.
How can a man that has been professing his love and admiration for me for over 20 years, not love me like a husband now???
I want off this d*mn roller coaster. I can't stand the ride!
Happily married to HerPapaBear
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He is only feeling the rush from the A. It consumes him.
If he ends the A, the fog will lift and he will feel those feelings again. I want to show you just a little part of a conversation that my FWH had with his OW.
FWH says:
Then I love you. I need you. You mean the world to me.
FWH says:
I will always love you.
FWH says:
I will continue to love you even if you shut me out of your life.
FWH says:
I will love you even if you do not love me back.
FWH says:
I will love you if you just want me to be a fishing buddy.
FWH says:
I can continue to tell you that I love you or I can love you in silence.
FWH says:
I will love you even if you never let me see you again. It will hurt, a lot, but i will continue to love you.
OW says:
Are you done?
FWH says:
Never. I will love you for life.
OK that's what he felt THEN. It wasn't real. He is home now. Tells me he loves me and that he will never leave. He will protect his weaknesses and never put himself in a tempting position again. His feelings for me were not evident in that conversation, but they were there.
Your WS still has THOSE feelings for you. Hang tight. And keep your hands in the roller coaster at all times.
He is still VERY WAYWARD!
BW(me)
DDay EA 4/05
DDay PA 6/05
In recovery
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I am having a real emotional time today over the idea that "he loves me, but not like a husband loves a wife." I've been reading enough to know this is typical fog talk. But it doesn't make it hurt any less. Yes, it is hurtful, but please see this in the proper perspective. He is high on the addiction of an affair, just as a crack head is high on CRACK. When he sobers up he will NOT feel this way! When he sobers up, he will remember he said this and be HORRIFIED.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You are drowning in the minutia of fog babble...and letting it control,,,undermine....and get you off focus... he says.... he loves me, but not like a husband loves a wife. you say... uhhh....duh... loving husbands would never ACT the way he does...love is actions NOT feelings... and he has'nt ACTED like a husband for a while now.... this is not a huge revelation... would you be happier with false proclomations of love... eccchhhhh....not me... exactly what plan are you in... and why are you making this so difficult on you..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> the plans ground and guide you.. inspite of the babble from the other country... ARK
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loving husbands would never ACT the way he does...love is actions NOT feelings...
and he has'nt ACTED like a husband for a while now....
exactly what plan are you in... You are right. He OBVIOUSLY doesn't love me like a husband right now. As far as a plan, I did plan A for 2 months. Then had a D-Day from he!! and told him to leave, which he eagerly did. He has been gone 2 weeks this past Friday. During that time, I couldn't stand talking to him, looking at him, or even acknowledging his existence. I was "sure" I wanted Plan D at that point. Then he contacts me last Thursday with a willingness to answer any question I wanted to ask and telling me he wanted to go to counseling with me, but wants to take it slow. Sooo, I don't know what Plan I should be in. Any thoughts?
Happily married to HerPapaBear
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Sooo, I don't know what Plan I should be in. Any thoughts? I think you should do a stellar Plan A for about 2 more weeks and then go to Plan B. You will want to get all your finances in place along with a visitation schedule, making it crystal clear he is to never expose your children to this unfit adult. Do your best in this time to show him your very best side and what he has to return to when his affair ends. Then go DARK AS NIGHT in Plan B.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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p.s. I would also suggest exposing his affair and letting folks know that it is BACK ON. Your children should also be told the truth.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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BW(me)
DDay EA 4/05
DDay PA 6/05
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I exposed to friends, family, and other influential people two weeks ago stating that he is currently in an affair and has left us for her.
I also told all five children the truth then, too.
Plan A, huh? You all better pray for me to stay calm and focused, because today my emotions have yanked me all over the place. But I can see that Plan A is a good choice right now and two weeks is PLENTY of time for him to get off the fence, write a NC letter, and come home.
I just don't know how much contact I will have with him since he moved out. Should I call, email, or text him at all? If so, just "hey, how you doing?" Or what?
Happily married to HerPapaBear
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I agree with the others-- plan A for two weeks, every chance you get. Then hit Plan B and watch him spin.
You could contact him to invite him for dinners with your children, making sure everything is as attractive as possible. Use the next two weeks to leave a brilliant impression of family, warmth, and love. Bite your tongue when you need to (I know, its very difficult). During my plan A (which was blessedly short), I prayed to God for grace. I never discussed the infidelity or had arguments with my (serial)FWH in our home. I made it a sanctuary.
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see, I would normally be right there with ML on this as her advice is spot on for most a's. I just don't see it for a 13 year affair. If he loved you as a H should love a wife, he could not have done this for 13 years. What is there to go back to since you guys never really had a true and honest relationship to begin with. And I am sorry to say... but don't count on there having never been another woman too... a man with NO morals over this time likely will have stepped out again and again.
I'm sorry...but even with the kids...unless this jerk shows that he is 100000% committed to you and his children, I wouldn't waste 1 minute of plan A on his sorry asss. 13 years is a long time and a lot of stuff to get over. I would suggest a call to the Harley's on this one...it can't hurt.
And since you mentioned the kids and God I will address both. I think you owe it to God and to your children to raise them in the healthiest home possible. I don't see that being with a man that has abused every role he has ever held...perhaps you see him differently, but can you even remember a time when he wasn't wayward... it's a LONG ways back.
I am so sorry for the pain you are in and understand your confusion.
MEDC
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MEDC, first off, this is not a "13 year affair." He has known the OW for 13 years and only saw her again last Jan and resumed his affair.
And secondly, a long term affair is not a deal breaker by anyone's standards. Certainly not Dr Harleys! If she wants to move on, that is her preogative, but this is entirely up to her. If she wants to save this marriage, then that is what she should do. There is ABSOLUTELY no reason not to. Her marriage is just as salvagable as anyone elses.
She owes it to her children to do her best job possible to save her marriage, IF she feels she is up to it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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SMB wrote: So here is the story I now believe to be the truth. 12-13 years ago this old girlfriend came to his business as a customer. They went to lunch and an emotional affair began. It lasted a month or two then they agreed to end it. Many really good years pass. Then about 6 years ago, the same scenario takes place--emotional involvement for a short time and then it ended. Zip forward to January of this year. She comes to his business again and they start talking and meeting. This now leads to a physical affair, that is just now ending (I hope).
My husband has been loving, kind, respectful, admiring to me throughout our entire relationship--until January. This is what she wrote about the affair, MEDC. This is not what I would call a "13 year affair", but even so, there is absolutely no reason she can't save her marriage even if it was. Nor can she say that he is "immoral" just because he is addicted to this woman. If he were immoral in all other aspects of his life, I would agree with you, but he's not. what has happened here is that 13 yrs ago he became addicted to this woman and never addressed it. Because it was kept secret, he left himself vulnerable to multiple repeat performances just like Harley says will happen. That doesn't mean this is hopeless. Just the opposite, IMO, now that the truth HAS COME OUT, she has a chance THAT SHE NEVER HAD BEFORE to save her marriage. And if anyone wants to know what happens when folks ignore Harleys advice to END CONTACT FOR LIFE with an affair partner, this is it!! This is what you are facing if you fail to heed Harleys advice.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You could contact him to invite him for dinners with your children, making sure everything is as attractive as possible. Use the next two weeks to leave a brilliant impression of family, warmth, and love. Bite your tongue when you need to (I know, its very difficult). During my plan A (which was blessedly short), I prayed to God for grace. I never discussed the infidelity or had arguments with my (serial)FWH in our home. I made it a sanctuary. mojodiva is RIGHT ON!!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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SMB,
During this plan A you're just trying to show him what could be. What's possible. You can do it for 2 weeks. And during that time, like Mel said, get your ducks in a row.
Bite your tongue, vent here.
Just be pleasant, not phony.
Then when it's up, you give him your plan B letter and go totally dark.
2 weeks...You've got that in you.
BW(me)
DDay EA 4/05
DDay PA 6/05
In recovery
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Mel... I do not agree that a 13 year affair is something that SHOULD or can be gotten past...but,
I would agree that it is a stretch to call this a 13 year affair until all the facts are known. SMB made it very clear that she no longer wanted him back and seemed to be in a healthy place regarding this. I just see her being played by this putz... but if she truly wishes to save her M, then by all means, she should follow your direction on this.
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MEDC, I think she was having an emotional reaction when she proclaimed it was over and was not thinking clearly.
I agree she is being played, which is why I am trying to help her get away from this. If she can remove herself from his abuse, she can calm down and think rationally enough to make a sound decision.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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After finding the text message, telling him to leave, and getting a few answers, I have learned that last night--ON MY SON'S BIRTHDAY--H took 11yo son and friends to a movie. He said to them, hey what do you think about going in by youselves. They, of course, loved the idea, made them feel real grown up. So while our son was watching a movie on his birthday (which was suppose to be a special night out with dad), H was hanging' with his girlfriend!!!
How do I protect my kids from this crap??!!
This man has been cheating on me with the same woman for 13 years. I DO NOT want him back, and I don't think he wants to come back. I think he is relieved that he can move on. It was this post here that made me believe this was a 13 year affair. Plus his actions are the definition of immoral. In my opinion, this is when I saw her thinking clearly... I just wanted you to know I didn't pull this stuff out of thin air.
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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MEDC and Mel,
You are both right. And today I am so confused about what the truth is. But what I LIVED with this man were 23 years of joy and love...until this year. That is why I tend to believe the story that this didn't become a full blown affair until this year. But that he has a few times in the past, treaded in dangerous waters but then turned his heart to home.
BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE A BLIND FOOL!!! Sorting out the truth is so hard.
Happily married to HerPapaBear
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