SMB,

I hope and pray your H's actions show he is ready to commit to you, your family and your marriage.

LC

I've got my fingers crossed for you.

Just read your thread. What a rollercoaster...

Fingers crossed and prayers that things go well tonight.

Well, we had a short conversation when he dropped off the kids. I wish I could say it went great...

I saw his attitude as wishy-washy. I wish I could remember our exact wording, but my mind doesn't stay that clear. Here's what I can remember:

I started by asking him what he plans to do from here. His response was that he expects to sit down in a counselor's office with me and begin talking about things.


I told him that if he was serious about healing our marriage, then he needs to move back home. He said he was not expecting that I would offer that yet. (I think because of my Plan B/D style behavior the week before, he was expecting me to not be ready for him home). He says he needs a few days to think about it--I might be able to buy this one, but am VERY SKEPTICAL that it is more about her still.

I told him I need him to write a letter to OW that he wants to heal our marriage and cannot communicate with her ever again. He SAYS he understands that he needs no contact with OW and is willing to write a letter--so he says, but didn't say when.

He was more wishy-washy last night saying things like, "I still have so many issues to work through" (yeah, perhaps like how to keep his marriage and still screw his OW), "I don't want to mislead you" (well, either you want your marriage or you don't, seems pretty clear cut to me), and a few other fog statements.

At this point, I don't know how to proceed. I certainly am leary of his sincerity. He seemed more like the WS last night, staying on guard, protecting his indecision.

Orchid,

After my conversation with H, I am hoping your perspective is correct. But I just don't know. I could see the fog last night, but I'm just not sure he'll ever come out of it.

I can see that perhaps he needs a slower pace, but I can also see that that could be just plain, ole, stinky BS.

It seems to me that I am the one who might want to take it slow after being SOOOOOOO burned. So what LEGITIMATE reason could a WS have for needing to proceed slowly?

There IS no legitimate reason, SMB. Oh, sweetie. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> He is turning this all around on you. He says he needs to "think" about moving back home now because of your sudden change in attitude... so it's your fault, see. He's making this seem like your behavior is making reconciliation seem scary or unsafe. This is total BS. If he really wanted to work on the M... and you approached him with "yes, me too... please move back home"... you would think he would be jumping up and down and yippeeing to the heavens that you were willing to take him back.

He is still wayward, SMB. Please be very, very, careful. DON'T let him call the shots here. When did he say he'd get back to you?

KM

KM,

I need to clarify that HE didn't say anything about my change in attitude. I am just guessing that my going from being so angry that I didn't even acknowledge his existence to then asking him to move home--well, I can see how that might throw him a little. But that is not what he said. He said very little--just that he really wasn't expecting me to offer that and that he need a couple days to think about it.

But yes, I would say Mr. Wayward was here last night.

Think about it? Honestly what is there to think about? If I had hurt someone soooooo bad and suddenly they said that they would forgive me and help to renew our R, I would JUMP at the chance. Wouldn't you? The only response I would have is "Are you sure?" That's the only legitimate response.

He's not done. He's cake eating. Be careful.

MC is set for July 10 and we are on the wait list to get in this week if there is a cancellation.

I realize none of this matters until he decides to give up cake.

I would continue with Plan B?D until he meets every requirement that you have laid out for him. So far all he is doing is yanking your chain. Again, I will ask this question.... "Why would you want him back?" Also... why would you change any plans that you have for the morsels that he is throwing you right now... the ONLY way you should even consider changing your direction is if he FULLY commits to the M immediately.

Just my 2 cents.

SMB,
Just my two cents as a former wayward. I jumped at the chance to get back in the house when my BH acted open to reconciliation. I was moving much faster than he was. I was ready to bust my a$$ to fix the damage I had done.

BH was cautious, but I was annoyingly persistant. I would go to his house while he was at work and scrub and clean. I wrote him love letters, called often, I was very eager to prove myself. I was completely ready to immerse myself in the role of wife and mother with absolutely no hesitations.

Just my experience. I am hoping the best for you.

Another question...

If he continues to horse around this week about the NC letter and moving home, should I still do counseling with him next week?

These are the three things I want from him: NC Letter, come home, MC. Do I accept MC and hope that leads to NC Letter and moving home? Or am I wasting time in MC if he is unwilling to do the other two?

My son asked him this weekend if he loved Mommy. He said yes, but not like a husband.

Isn't that how most WS

MC canbe a HUGE stall for the WS. He is just playing a game right now. You made a decision to not play any longer. Now he is pulling the puppet strings again... cut them and don't dance.

MC is a waste of time. The problem is that he has another woman. If he is keeping the OW, what exactly would you discuss in MC? Better to take that money and use it for something useful, like a pedicure and new haircut for you.

I hate to tell you this, SMB, but he is stalling to buy some more time to have his affair. If he were done, wild horses could not keep him from moving home. Marriage counseling is absolutely useless under these circumstances and is only being used as a stalling manuever to keep you on the plantation while he conducts his affair. MC is usually useless anyway, though.

I would take a hard look at going into Plan B. But before you do that, you must get your ducks in a row [finances, visitation, etc] and leave a good taste in his mouth before you go dark.

MEDC,

Please know that I am listening to you and appreciate your responses.

In reply to the above question...because I have 5 children counting on me to make the right decision. I need to be able to stand before them and God knowing that I have done everything on my end to preserve the marriage commitment I have taken. Even though God gives us a way out in an adultrous marriage, I believe His desire is complete reconciliation and healing of the relationship. Obviously, it takes two to have that happen. But I am accountable to God on my handling of this.

I look into my children's faces and know that what is best for them is that mommy and daddy love each other and are married. If there is any way to get that back, then I will do what it takes.

With that being said, I agree that he is still manipulating me, or trying to. I am holding firm to the NC letter and coming home.

SMB, I do not, for one minute, question why you want him back. You are doing the right thing for you and your children.


AMEN <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you, Mel. It is really tough for me right now. I feel like I am in the battle of my life and I am my children's only protection, and that the warrior who always fought FOR ME, is now the one I fight against.

I guess that's not really true. I fight against the WS, but my H is the one who fought for me. I want my HUSBAND back.

You have exactly the RIGHT ATTITUDE, SMB. And just remember, God is on YOUR SIDE and wants you to win. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
Philippians 4:13