Loving someone and wanting things to work out will never make you a fool. You are a good woman that has been hurt and your ability to think clearly is being clouded by a man that is not worthy of your time at this point.
Don't be hard on yourself....he is the scoundrel here, not you.

He just called to say good night to the kids. This is when it really gets to me. JUST COME HOME AND SAY GOOD NIGHT. Give them real hugs and kisses, read a story. Sleep in our bed. Enjoy your family.

But instead, he calls. Gets them riled up and back out of bed. So now there up and down again--as if bedtime isn't difficult enough already!

And how did you handle this, SMB?

Well, he called back to talk to me. He just wanted to give me some idea of what he was thinking. He says that we will talk at counseling next Thursday about him moving back in. I told him I would like him to come home today...he said he knows.

I asked him if he is still in contact with OW. He says, "yes, he has been."

I am in tears. I don't know how to get through this. Just sit on my hands until counseling???

When he called I invited him to come over on the 4th if he didn't have plans. He said he had plans. I asked what he had going on...he's planning to hang out with his dad and step mom (where he's living right now) and then maybe visit his mom. That's just all BS. I know where he'll be--with her!

I told him that I am concerned that if he stays in contact with her, that he will change his mind about counseling next week. He said he won't change his mind about counseling.

So, I am thinking that his going to counseling is all about pacifying me because he got a reality check these last two weeks when I shut him out. I'll bet he sees counseling as a way to "work through my anger" so that I'll be more agreeable during the divorce.

Not in tears on the phone with him, in tears now that I am off the phone.

I stayed calm during the conversation.

SMB, counseling is a complete waste of time if he is seeing his adultery partner. Complete and total waste of time. Just as I suspected, this is a ruse to buy some time to carry on his affair.

I would simply let him know that there is no point to counseling if he is still carrying on his affair. Recovery is impossible until he ends his affair.

So, just stick with plan A, and take a hard look at Plan B.

SMB, refresh my memory. Have you exposed to the OW's family? What is the status with her H? What does she do?

Good Job! Now I would start planning how to spend the 4th with your wonderful children. Hope you can think of something to make it really special.

Then I would get my ducks in a row for Plan B. Of course he will be spending the 4th with the ho, they always do. Get your finances in order, and get an intermediary for contact regarding the kids. Then start writing your Plan B letter. You can even go to the counseling, and tell him in front of the counselor that you are not interested in "working on the marriage" while he is in the midst of an adulterous affair, and that the sleeze needs to be OUT, GONE, NOT WAITING IN THE WINGS, before you feel comfortable in counseling.

I cannot get any info on her. I have her cell number and her first name. Intellius couldn't find anything out and refunded my money.

I'm not even sure that she still has the cell number that I have because the text I intercepted on my H's phone said "got a new phone, call me when you can. XXXOOO"

Puking now--someone sending my H XXXOOO. Driving me INSANE tonight. (Not REALLY puking, OK, just gestering the puking thing.

As far as exposing to her family, my H said that she is separated and near divorce, just waiting for house to sell. Yeah, I know, can't believe anything they say, right?

I am in the midst of trying to get some info on her. I will post more later on that if it works out.

SMB, you need to hire a PI and find out who she is!! This is information that could be a POWERFUL weapon against the affair!

Thank you, MEDC. I somehow missed your post until just now.

I just am don't know what to believe. Actually, yeah, I do--believe NOTHING.

Probably a lie, but even so, her family needs to know she is carrying on an adulterous AFFAIR with a MARRIED MAN who has 5 children! Her affair with your H could be useful information in her "divorce" if that is true.

Find out who this woman is, SMB!! This is information that could save your marriage. Divorce is much more expensive than a PI!

Mel,

I just want to be sure that I understand you correctly. Are you suggesting that I tell him that I am unwilling to attend counseling until he ends the A? Do you suggest I tell him that right away? Or attend a session and make it clear there that I expect the A to end now or I will not attend any more sessions?

There is a parade and fireworks in a city nearby. I think we may go there. Thanks for redirecting my perspective.

This is what I am thinking.

Do Plan A until counseling. Then take this approach during counseling and go dark if he is not agreeable to NC.

Thank you all for going through this with me. This evening I have really crashed. I'm back to feeling like I've been beat to a pulp. I'd like to just check into a hospital for a few days and be a vegetable.

But then, well, you know, I've got those 5 beautiful kids who give me a reason to NOT CHECK OUT. Every morning my youngest wakes me up by crawling into bed with me, wrapping his little arms around me and saying (are you ready for this, it is the absolute sweetest thing!):

I love you infinity and beyond your wildest dreams.

Ain't that just worth waking up for?!

OK, another thing this little pumpkin says...

He comes up to me at least a few times everyday, gives me hug and a kiss and says, you need lots of those right now, don't you mommy, since daddy doesn't give them to you anymore.

If you can spare the gas money you could go there and say that, but personally, I think it would be more productive to clean the lint out of your dryer. The counseling is nothing more than a RUSE to buy time to carry on his affair.

SMB, I implore you to find out who this OW is along with her family's names. It is very possible that she is a married woman who just wants to have a little fun and has no intention of leaving her H. THIS IS NOT UNCOMMON. We have had affairs END THE DAY THEY were exposed to the OP's spouse, so I cannot emphasize the importance of this information.

Exposure to her family would also put a huge damper on the affair because if her family knows that your H is a married man with 5 children, they are not likely to ever allow him to darken their doorstep. That would cause a serious blow to any romantic notions they have of a future relationship.

ok, i take that back because cleaning the lint out of the dryer can be pretty productive; much more productive than counseling, that is for sure. It might be more productive to read all your junk mail!