I hear you, Mel, I really do. I will check into it again after the holiday.

Where is he staying? I thought you had posted it somewhere but couldn't find it.

Any chance she would be there and you could get a lic plate #?

He's staying at his dads, and no, he wouldn't take her there.

Goodnight everyone. I will, of course, check back in tomorrow.

You mentioned you don't think you will get any help from anyone else in the family. You won't know unless you ask them. I can't imagine they wouldn't want to help you save your marriage for your family's sake. He may find out you are trying to get the info and he will be angry but too bad. What he is doing is far worse and much more damaging.

My guess is if she is carrying a prepaid phone, she is also hiding the relationship.

LC

At least it was a shot... I hope you find the info you are seeking.

SMB, It might cost that much. But they do take credit cards. I know that's not ideal, but in times of crisis...

you do what ya gotta do.

SMB,

I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation. Some of us know the heart felt pain that you are going through. Take extraordinary cautions to maintain your health as best as you can right now.

Ok, now I’m going to smack you with a big board right in the head so that you can use the resulting vibrations to center yourself and find your natural frequency. Picture the way a tuning fork acts when you strike it on a counter top.

**whack**

Ok, take a deep breath and be still for a minute.

Listen to this please:
Your H is a Wayward Spouse right now. Do not believe a DAMN thing that he tells you at all. Nothing! Zilch!

Only believe what he does. This is without exception!

You must find a way to protect your heart during all of the fallout from his A that he is going to rain down upon your head.

It is not easy by any means. He is going to spray venom and spew pure evil out of his nasty little mouth until the demon of adultery is expunged from his soul. Picture possession in your mind.

Ok, now, resume normal BS television programming. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

BTW, those little taps from people here are supposed to be motivation, not to be interpreted as meanness.

Please take your time to decide weather you want to fight for your M or not. It’s not an easy choice at all.

But whatever you decide you have to STICK WITH IT and give it your best effort possible!

I chose to fight for my M. It wasn’t easy.

I’ve been D’d before also from a FWXW. That isn’t easy either.

SMB,

Just checking on you to see how you are and if you were able to get any info on the OW.

If you posted elsewhere I missed it and feel free to point me in the right direction.

How goes it, SMB?

What a week it has been. It seems so much has happened.

I invited H over if he wanted to hang out this past weekend. He came over Sunday eve and we had a wonderful time playing with the kids for hours. Then we tucked them in together (just like we used to), and he asks if I would like him to stay awhile or leave. I say I would love for you to stay if you would like to.

So he sits down and HE brings up R talk. We talked for hours. He has gone no contact (presently without a letter, but I am hoping to deal with that), told me her full name and where she lives, and answered more questions that I had about the affair. The WS was not there, by H was, and it felt so good!

He said he missed the kids terribly...then looked me deep in the eyes and said he had missed me, too. He said he wanted to come home. I asked when. He asked how soon could I handle him there. I said, "If you are serious about this, I want you to come home now where you belong, with your family. And so he stayed. I told him if he came back, it had to be for good; and he said it is for good. And so, we told the kids, daddy's staying home!!!!

I know it's only been a couple days and we have soooooo much to deal with, but he has been wonderful. There have been ILYs, SF, openness and honesty. Our first MC is today. I am hoping to deal with the NC letter. He met with her and told her. He said he had to see her because he had some boxes of his things that he needed to pick up. I know there were other ways to handle that because of all I have learned here. But he hasn't been here and hasn't read SAA. He wasn't living there, but I had boxed up EVERYTHING when I kicked him out. So he put some of those boxes at her place. And yes, I know a NC letter still needs to be sent.

I told him during our conversation that for this to work he was going to have to be an open book...I need to know where he is and who he is with, no secrets, and I will often need proof. I asked him if he thought he could really do that. He said yes. I asked what he needed from me. He said: affection--lots of hugs, touches, kisses. He expressed this in the past, but when he seemed stressed, I realize now that I pulled away and waited until he seemed "ready" to be affectionate. I told him this and that when he came home from work and seemed stressed out, I was afraid he would push me away, so I waited for him to "decompress". He said, "I craved that from you. I needed you to come over to me and touch me." Boy, oh boy, do I wish I would have understood that much sooner!

So last night, when he got home, I went to him and rubbed his shoulders and neck. He just melted, put his head down on the table and soaked it up.

My biggest factor right now is the NC letter and setting into place what he will do if she tries contact. I know this wave of feeling hopeful, loved and excited will pass and some of those tough emotions will be back. But oh how I hope I'm now riding the Beastie and not the Beast anymore (for those of you who are familiar with King's Island roller coaster).

I can't believe what I have been through over the last 3 months. I am happy to begin the process toward recovery...but also am trying to go into it realistically. I know the pain will resurface. I pray we both are up for the task ahead. All 7 of our lives depend on it.

SMB,

I am so happy and hopeful for you!

Congrats and continued good luck!

Wow! It seems as though he has responded to plan FU pretty well. Now, the real work begins... it is hopeful now that he is home. I think this is where the Harleys and a good MC can help you. Several weeks ago when you kicked him out and made a decision to not take him back it seemed as though this was the end. He is not the first and most likely will not be the last WH to respond to an agressive tactic like that.
Good for you and your kids...I hope that he follows through on his promises. 13 years of affairs is a lot to make up for...I think he is a lucky man and hopefully soon he knows just how lucky he truly is.
Please be careful regarding STD's.

Continued blessings.

SMB,
So glad to hear this. In the days to come your H will need to come on board with some of the basic marital concepts here (ENs, radical honesty, lovebusters, no contact for life, etc). You're probably gonna see some withdrawal too.

One day at a time.

Your goal is a happy healthy M. Some days it'll be hard to remember this.


Now that you have a little breathing room, make sure you read and understand all the concepts yourself.


Now hold on tight. You're gonna feel sooooooooo many different emotions at once. It's normal. Process it slowly. Good luck and good job!

SMB, I am so happy for you! but my concern remains about nc, too. Your H is an addict who is addicted to the OW. Unless he has a clear plan to avoid her, and understands the neccessity of no contact of life, this might fall on its face. I would be DILIGENT in ensuring that he a) writes her a no contact letter [this is more for YOU, than him, as a trust building gesture] and that he has a PLAN in place in case she tries to contact him.

Do you have the letter in Surviving an Affair? Dr. Harley recommends writing it together. You should be the one to send it. Here is a good article about what it will take to recover your marriage. Good job on getting the man home, SMB!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

Sounds like things are going well. Now that you know her name, I would contact her husband and let him know about the affair. That will help with no contact, and he deserves to know the truth of his life. And I wouldn't buy the "they are divorcing, just have to sell the house".

Yes, I think Plan FU was key. All that anger I felt the second week was what made it possible for me to be able to do Plan FU.

I was really hoping the emotional roller coaster would let me off. (OK, I knew I was going to have to ride it some more, but ya can't blame me for hoping!)

I can't fathom that what lies ahead could come even close to what I've already been through. Am I wrong??

[quote I would be DILIGENT in ensuring that he a) writes her a no contact letter [this is more for YOU, than him, as a trust building gesture] and that he has a PLAN in place in case she tries to contact him.

Do you have the letter in Surviving an Affair? Dr. Harley recommends writing it together. You should be the one to send it. Here is a good article about what it will take to recover your marriage. Good job on getting the man home, SMB!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html [/quote]

Thanks for the article link. I just read it again (now that it is truly applicable to my life).

We talked about the letter in counseling. I do believe that he is willing to write it as closure for me. The counselor gave us a list of emotional needs to look over and discuss. My H wanted to do that before we went to bed last night. I hope to discuss the NC further tonight so that I can have closure on that part of this situation.

Things have been incredibly wonderful with him home. I really didn't expect it to be so easy to have him here. We are relaxed, talking, playing, laughing, touching. I thought it would take months for me to feel this way.

Can I add the "F" to his WH title? Is it too soon for that?

Are we now "in recovery" (obviously that would be at the beginning of recovery)?

And tell me, why does this matter to me? I feel like a little girl hoping to get into the "in group"! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />