SMB, have you seen the emotional needs questionaire? I would take that along with the lovebusters questionaire. That was a real eye opener for my H and I! There is a link under questionaires for both.

Also, the letter outlined in SAA is a sample of what the nc letter should look like. It should not be a friendly, kind letter, but a terse, matter of fact letter that admits wrongdoing and disrespect to you and his family. In it, he should ask her to never ever contact him again. And that would mean coming to his place of business.

Since you have her last name, I would strongly suggest calling her husband NOW and telling him about the affair. You may find that her "divorce," if any, was precipitated by this affair. No matter what the status, he has a right to know since this information about his life. This is a measure that is also for your own safety, because if they are still together, he can watch her from his end. If they are not, it will be a warning shot that you mean business and you know who she is.

Have you spoken to him about getting a plan in place for no contact?

And lastly, I do not want to rain on your parade, but what you are facing will not be easy. Your H is very relieved to be home TODAY, but he will go into withdrawal [if contact has truly ended] very quickly. That will not be a happy time, and may even involve a repeated contact with the OW. This is why it is so important to get a PLAN for no contact IN PLACE NOW, SMB. This is a corner you don't even want to cut. Just don't be alarmed when he comes crashing down.

You know? Another screen name change wouldn't hurt.

lol

Thank you, Mel.

I have read SAA and re-read many parts. I even took the EN questionnaire back when I first thought we were trying to recover our marriage. When we were going through the EN paper from the C last night, my H commented that the way it was written was like reading psychobabble. He also said that none of them on the list really hit the nail on the head for him. I agreed about the psycobabble and mentioned SAA questionnaire. I read it aloud to him and he made a few notes on his paper. It was getting late by then and we agreed to work on it some more later...had to save time for some incredible SF (already know that is a high need for him).

As for LBing, neither one of us do that. We talked about that some in C yesterday. My H and I both agreed that neither one of us have never been that way with each other. He has never said a hurtful word to me...ever...until this affair. We both have always shown respect, admiration, and love toward each other in our words. Hopefully, as we dredge through all of this, we can continue that.

I did look online to find info on her H. I found their house listed for sale. Actually even took a virtual tour--probably wasn't a good idea since I know my H spent time there--even saw her bed!

I have his name--pretty common one. I believe that he is not living there and don't know where he works or anything. Did try a search for cell # that came up dry. I can see this as an important step, but am not sure I will find the info. And the truth is, I also fear that if I contact him, he will get in her face, and the she will break NC with my H. Then he will be upset that I went behind his back when I am insisting on full disclosure from him AND SHE WILL HAVE CONTACTED HIM. I will still try to get info, but am concerned of the outcome.

I want to address the NC plan this evening. 1. write a letter, 2. trade cell phones, 3. actions to take if contact happens (call me immediately)

If he is willing to trade phones with me, I think NC will be much easier. That was the way they stayed in touch. So if she starts missing him and just wants to send a quick I miss you text, I will get it.

Yes, I am fearful of withdrawal. I want to think it won't be so bad because we are doing so well at home right now, but I know that is probably wishful thinking. We both know that two of his highest needs are non-sexual touch and affection and SF. So I am being sure to meet those. Actually, I am thoroughly enjoying meeting those right now. I've been craving being close to him, and knowing that he is pleased to receive this from me makes it easy. I hope that meeting those needs for him will make withdrawal easier on him. I hate the thought of him missing her. That's a hard pill to swallow.

SMB

You need to get a grip of yourself. Your life was not entirely over last week, nor is it entirely wonderful this week.

They are all just steps on the road to the eventual outcome of your sitiation, which will hopefully be a successful recovery.

Here are the phases of recovery I experienced, and others seem to agree with :


I'd suggest you're just out of three and hurtling into four with a beaming smile on your face.

This is a marathon, not a sprint, SMB. Calm youself. Apply loving detachment in your situation else your WHs craziness will continue to control you revery move and feeling.

All blessings.

What, you gotta problem with a recoveryhopeful sexymamabear?!

Any suggestions? I certainly like sexymamabear. Makes me feel, uhm, sexy, yeah, that's it...sexy. And we moms with 5 kids really like feeling sexy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Ooo, that means the next phase is hyper-happy. That one sounds just disgusting.

Joking aside, thank you for the outline of phases to expect. I know the place I am at today will not last. I trigger easily (songs, movies, comments, etc). The panic feeling has been back a few times, and I am sure that at some point I'm going to feel the anger again. I will re-read your post as I feel my emotions churning. Maybe I'll see that I am on a normal path down this long road.

When this all started, God gave me a song to hold on to. It says: "There's a light at the end of this tunnel for you."

I feel like I can finally see the light.

SMB

My "hyper happy" rictus grin phase left hundreds of uplifting posts exhorting other BS to do the same conflict avoidance as i did at the time.

It was well intentioned cr[b][/b]ap. I would have you avoid the pitfalls I stepped into.

Thats all.

Your sit is very promising.

I would try first disguising your caller ID with *67 and calling and asking for him. If she answers, she can tell you if he lives there or not. Maybe you could even think of a clever way to ask where he lives? Can you find a number for him in directory assistance?
As far as her contacting your H, no contact is HIS JOB, not hers. If she contacts him, it will be up to HIM to prevent that. And you can disclose this to your H, just do it AFTER you have notified the OWH so your H does not warn her. Telling the OWH is in EVERYBODYS best interest, SMB, yours, the OW's , your H's and the OWH. It is not in your H's best interest to hide this secret from his victim for him.
Lovebusters emcompass much, much more than just being kind to one another. They can include annoying habits, independent behavior,, dishonesty etc. I would take a hard look at these, SMB, and take the questionaires.
Please also pay close attention to BobPure's list of recovery stages. In best case scenarios, you are looking at 12-24 months for PERSONAL RECOVERY. Adultery is about the worst thing that can happen to you, SMB, and I am sad to say it does not go away over night.

I think the name is cute and I get a chuckle out of it! Especially since a couple of weeks ago, someone made a thread about how you can always spot a hoochie mama around here by her suggestive screen name.[this is mostly true, tho] And then you changed your name to sexymamabear! You hardly fit the description of hoochie mama! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

[quoteI think the name is cute and I get a chuckle out of it! Especially since a couple of weeks ago, someone made a thread about how you can always spot a hoochie mama around here by her suggestive screen name.[this is mostly true, tho] And then you changed your name to sexymamabear! You hardly fit the description of hoochie mama! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> [/quote]

Well, Mel, I am so glad you don't consider me a hoochie mama. That thought is making me crack up right now! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You know, I picked that name because as a stay-at-home-homeschooling-mom-of-5-whose-husband-had-a-lover, I decided I needed a little pick me up. So instead of finding some unsuspecting guy out there to pick me up, I chose to give myself a little pick me up.

So I guess when you all read that sexymamabear posted, you are all rolling your eyes thinking, here goes another one of THOSE women <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Glad I made so many smile (and without even know I was doing it). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

SMB,

You are so wise and a true inspiration to me and most likely other newbies.

Like Bob and Mel are cautioning you, be very very vigilant.

I made the mistake of forgiving and moving on (or so I thought) immediately after D-Days #1 and #2, thinking I was the highest example of Christian living. The MC we were seeing at the time who advised me ---- to let God convict her so she'll confess to her H ---- obviously knew absolutely nothing about affair recovery and withdrawal. That's why I had D-Days #3 & #4. (Details in my sig line saga.)

What did it accomplish? My H was the perfect reformed WS, SF everyday, spending time together 24/7, talking, laughing, playing, praying every day and night together and reading "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. I was euphoric, like you, thinking...what's the big deal? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

BUT......H had not seen my pain since I had stuffed it and disguised it as 'being forgiving and moving on'.

THEREFORE....H kept in contact with that OW nearly every day, trying to 'just be friends with no sex', but this time he got more creative about it so he was not detected. It took me a week the first time but 4 weeks the second time.....and I wasn't even looking....because I had 'forgiven and tried to forget'.

I even tried to be OW's friend after D-Day #3. (My ulterior motive was to try to help her improve her M so she would not need to respond to my H the next time he got weak. I had what must have been BS fog and it was almost as hard to overcome as my H's WS fog.)

Fortunately we found MB books and a new MC; we started recovery Nov. 10, 2006, 6 months after D-Day #1 and began re-building trust Feb. 10, 2007 after finding MB forums, exposing to OWH, and finding a new MC who is even more restrictive than MB <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />.

I don't want to scare you, only caution you to evaluate your H's transparency and prepare yourself. At least you have posting as an outlet and a good MC. Both are blessings we did NOT have at first.

Regarding your name, were you DKG at one time?

Thanks,
Ace

Thank you Ace for sharing your story. I think I read some of your posts. What you went through is a haunting fear of mine right now. I have no reason to believe anything he tells me. I am trying to watch actions and take this a step at a time.

My name was DKT originally. So if you read those posts, then you've read my ENTIRE story so far.

MB has been a life line for me often through these few months. When I couldn't even think and was paralyzed with fear and pain, people here told me how to make it through the day. I know I will be posting more dark moments here, but it is so good to post a few brighter ones.

SMB,

I admire and respect you.....I was a SAHM for 3 years and made the biggest investment (DD27 & DS25) which will continue to be a blessing for a lifetime.

I cannot imagine how you were able to cope with all of this with 5 'little investments' to care for and shield. What a sign of strength you've exhibited and I join others in applauding you for your perseverance and humblenes and for allowing God to keep working through and in you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

When times get rough, keep focused on the big picture of 1) how your example will educate them --- and hopefully impact them for life --- regarding facing, succumbing and overcoming temptations....and 2) your testimony could inspire millions (or at least dozens) around here ---'here' potentially being the entire world! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Have you read princessmeggy's thread of recovery BEFORE finding MB? No time to link it but it's attached to her sig line and on the OT forum. It's very inspiring, too.

Again, I'm praying for you, DKT-RH-SMB. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ace

Ace,

Thank you for your kind words. But I really don't feel I did anything except survive, just as you and everyone else here has done.

It was my 5 little investments (not all are so little, two are teenagers) that forced me to cope with the tornado I was in. And it was them that I stayed focused on, knowing they were watching me and learning how to deal with adversity and how to turn TO God and not run FROM Him. I hope now my H and I both can be a example to them about reconciliation, forgiveness, commitment, accountability, etc. The journey is long. I so want them to be able to look back on this in the years to come and see God's great works in all our hearts.

Yes, I did read most of princessmeggy's thread (boy was it long). Someone else here told me to check it out. It was a very moving thread.

Well, H's been home almost 2 weeks. It has been a good most of the time...in some ways a really good. But there are moments...ya know, panic moments, overwhelming pain moments, back-in-shock moments, he-doesn't-really-love-me-and-never-will moments.

So let me recap for you what has happened since he came home. As far as NC letter? This didn't go as I had hoped. Before he came home, he went to get some things he had stored in her garage, and to tell her he was going home and wanted no contact with her for good. He said he gave her a letter at that time. When we talked previously, I had asked him to write a letter that included NC for life. But I never got to the part of showing it to me and me mailing it. Soooo, he wrote the letter (as I had requested), before he came home. So, of course, he doesn't see a need to write another one. I so wish he would have done it the "right" way. I am concerned that if he sent another one it might appear to her as an invitation for more contact. You know, just contacting you again to tell you I don't want any contact. (Of course, that's assuming that an APPROPRIATE letter was given the first time.) I think if I insist on it, he would probably write it, just not sure if I should insist.

I know what your all gonna say...this is not a good sign. Right? I'm just not sure how to proceed on this topic.

Next concern, I asked him if she ever did contact him would he tell me. His answer...I don't know. He said nothing was going to change his mind about ending the A. But I know...these are just words. He made a comment about telling me and it affecting my frame of mind. I do believe that he might not tell me for fear of me getting really upset. He just doesn't yet get it...the total openness/honesty thing. I am hoping to keep addressing this until he DOES get it. Nothing would mean more to me than resting in the fact that he WILL TELL ME. Then I don't have to wonder/worry every day...did she try to contact him? I can know that unless he tells me she did, that she did not.

OK, on to what has gone well. He has been very attentive, thoughtful, kind, loving, and affectionate when we are together. We are more comfortable together than I ever expected we could be so soon. We have had lots of physical, non-sexual touch as well as SF. We have had good discussions about R. He says ILY often and has said all the right words to tell me his heart is really back home with me and the kids. There has been no unaccountable time (although I really cannot verify all time during work).

We had an assignment from our MC to identify ENs from a list he gave us (not nearly as complete as SAA). My H initiated us going through them when we were home and discussing them.

The most encouraging thing for me right now is that he started reading SAA all on his own. He is in the middle of the chapter about how an affair should end. So hopefully, as he reads this, he will begin to understand what it’s like for me and what needs to happen for us to really start recovery. I hope as he continues reading he will want to do that ENs questionnaire. I mentioned it to our MC and he asked us to stick with the one he gave us “for now”. But both of us felt some of our top ENs weren’t even on the list.

I started typing this a couple days ago, and didn’t get finished. So I am back now trying to finish it and post. Today is really hard. I have crashed big time and have cried most of the day. I had a night like this last week and was up for hours crying. Most other days have been going well. Then, BAM, I feel the despair, hopelessness, and agony that I felt before he came home. I’m tired today and haven’t been able to eat anything today. I guess I can expect to have these emotions come crashing in on me every so often. I just need to know that at some point, they won’t be so intense.

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers. You have kept me going when I wanted to give up and check out of life. I don’t have the energy to post as often as I would like, but I read daily.

This would be a deal breaker for me and a boundary I would not be willing to negotiate. Absolute honesty and openess, nothing less. This is how the affair got started and fueled in the first place, hiding, lying, secrecy, etc. I would not negotiate on this one.

THank you hopeandpray

I agree that it is essential. When we discussed it, he asked why it would be important to me. Well, my mind froze and I couldn't express how important it was to me or why.

Since then I have put my thoughts down on paper and am hoping to discuss it again this weekend. Here are my reasons that it is important to ME:

1. There can be no secrets that you have with her. Not telling me if there is contact is a secret and opens the door for more.

2. Because I can count on you to tell me if it happens, I don't have to worry every single day "did he talk with her?" It will give me peace of mind and closure on that part.


3, Knowing you have a plan in place in case of contact shows me that you value our marriage and my feelings and are willing to do what's necessary to protect our M.


4. I don’t want to rehash it every day, asking you, nagging you. (I have only asked once, but I want to ask EVERY DAY). If I can count on you to tell me, my mind won't dwell on it.

SMB,
It truly is a rollercoaster ride. There will be days where you feel so in love with him, so happy. The very next day you wonder why you stayed. But IT IS NORMAL.

And yes, the feelings will lessen in intensity all around. Time and what you do with it will make all the difference.


As far as his telling you if OW contacts...well maybe if you put it to him this way. What if she calls him and he doesn't tell you and then you find out on your own. It's a new secret between them. Something you weren't privy to. Trust will be lost again. Another betrayal.

He cannot be the judge of what you are allowed to know and of what you can handle. Only you can be. Maybe by reading SAA he'll start to see that, as you said.

And if she does call, he needs a plan. He needs to hang up and not talk to her. If it continues, change numbers. Most of the time, there is attempts at contact from the OW. Just prepare for them.

Yes you will get upset if she contacts. But you don't take it out on him. You tell him "thank you for telling me". Then you go off and vent here. Make it safe for him to be honest.

I think at this point if he gave her a letter saying it was over, I'd probably "wait and see". If any attempts are made then I would send NC letter like you have seen here before. I'd even mail it certified (that's what I did).


SMB you're doing good. Recovery is very hard. Sooooo many emotions to deal with. One day at a time.

hopefully you are fully protecting yourself during SF...your H is a risk to your life until he is tested negative for all STDs.

Also, the NC letter thing should not be flexible... it needs to be reviewed and sent...by you. There is no room for negotiation.