I'd suggest that you go immediately back to a pitch black plan B again.

He clearly hated it. Which means it was obviously effective.

I'd tell him point blank that 'going back to that' was EXACTLY what's going to happen this time too. Make it clear that you're NOT going to be his friend going forward. That you have no intention of being part of his life if/when he divorces/leaves you.

Do you REALLY need him to finish the work in the kitchen and bath? Is it something that you can do on your own? Or perhaps talk with someone who can help teach you if you don't know how? If so, then tell him not to bother with coming by to fix those things...make it clear that if he moves out, he's NOT WELCOME BACK INTO YOUR HOUSE.

Step up and take ownership of YOUR life. Don't let him dictate these things to you. He's trying to manipulate you into the things that HE wants. Don't fall for it.

I NEED Plan B. I can see that very clearly. I am down to survival right now.

However, as for the house, kitchen is down to the studs. Electrician just left and plumber will be here next week. Most of it is being hired out at this point, but he is overseeing it all. He said he will be here Sun. to work on it. I do need him to do it. It is not something I can afford to pay for. He is paying for it all out of his funds. I don't think we are looking at longer than a month. He is busting his butt to get it done now because he wants out. He should've spent less time out with OW this winter/spring and this would've been done.

My parents are close by and I am thinking that anytime he is here we may go there.

He said he wants to take a couple kids with him Sat. when he moves some of his stuff.

SMB, first off, you have to understand that he is still in his affair. He is leaving so he can have his affair. He has probably been in touch all this time.

Secondly, you very much need to be in Plan B. But you have to get your ducks in a row quickly. For example, I would see an attorney first thing Monday and get a legal seperation that protects you financially.

You would want to also set up visitation with the kids and ask the attorney to ensure that the kids are NEVER exposed to his OW. <----this is real important.

The next thing on your list will to be expose this affair again. I would expose to all the same folks you did before, but this time add the OW's H and her family.

After about 2 weeks of getting all this in order, which will also give him time to start missing his home, I would go as black as night into Plan B. Don't allow him to come to your home. If your bathroom is torn up, then hire a handyman to get it back together. Or go to Lowe's and have them remodel it. But, he should not come back into the house, and you should NEVER see him while in Plan B.

Those are YOUR FUNDS, too. Do you not have access to his money?

I would also tell the kids he is leaving to assume his affair with the OW.

When he left the first time, he took half the joint account out and set up his own account. I have since set up my own account as well. He gives me a check every week (same amount as direct deposit used to be). This covers all our usual bills and expenses, as it is the same amount we were living on.

Also, oftentimes when we have done home remodeling and other large sum stuff, he would use business funds instead of our regular income. I'm not sure how he handled all that accounting wise. And yes, my lawyer is on top of this.

I pretty much am assuming this is the case. If it is not, I think it is definitely in the back of his mind.

SMB, contact your lawyer and have him help you do this. You can't be in Plan B and have your H coming into that house for weeks on end. You will have a nervous breakdown and he will get a FIX from coming in the house. You could get an estimate on what it will cost to finish that work, and your H can just pay for it.

Explain to your attorney that a well known psychologist, Dr. Harley, developed plan B as a means to protect victims of adultery from nervous breakdowns and years of post traumatic stress disorder. Women are especially susceptible to this, and Dr. Harley recommends only a few short weeks of Plan A. You have already done much more than that with this recent false recovery.

What does Plan B look like when you have kids. My kids just started soccer, and he plans to attend the games. He wants to pop in at their functions whenever he feels like it.

Also, we all study martial arts at the same place. I see him as my class is ending. And another night, I am there with the kids (and will soon be teaching a mom's exercise class at the same time). He usually shows up for his class shortly before we are leaving.

How do we not cross paths???

SMB, you look for creative ways to never see him. For example, in your Plan B letter, you ask him to respect your need for no contact and stay away from the soccer games. Or ask him to rotate them with you and only come to the ones that land on his visitation days.

If he shows up at your classes, politely ask him to leave and please respect your need for no contact. If he won't, then QUIT.

Look for creative ways to NOT cross paths.

SMB,

Your H is obviously cake eating like a mofo.

He wants a place nearby so that he can continue with his affair and have you and the kids in his life ONLY as much as he wants you all in it.

He wants to be the king of the castle when he’s there and then he wants to have his little adulterous lover kiss his as$ with sickening slogans of admiration when he’s with her.

He gets EVERYTHING that he thinks he wants like that and you get the shaft.

This is NOT an acceptable arrangement with you is it?

That is why you should put plan B on in full Tetnicolor.

You will be protecting your love for your H while this alien space ship warped creature continues to find himself without hurting you anymore.

You open the door so that he can hurt HIMSELF only.

Do not let your kids help him move out. Let them know that to help him move out is to help him move into a place so that he can continue being an adulterer.

BTW refer to his relationship with OW as adultery only. That sometimes reaches into the dark void of waywardness to find a ray of light within them.

The decision about the kitchen is yours of course, but you could insist that he pay for all of that on top of everything else that you are going to get out of him during the D.

If I were in your position I would file for a fast track separation anyway so that you can protect yourself financially. Let him pull the trigger on the full blown D though.

I’m sorry you are going through this. Keep your chin up and take care of yourself… EAT EAT EAT. And no alcohol.

I'd consider talking it over with the older kids. Ask them to choose when they want who to attend their events. Explain to them what plan B is, and why you're doing it. Explain to them how much it will hurt you to be in the same places as your WH. And ask them to help you to work out a way so that they are happy with the situation...work out a 'schedule' for when they'll be with him vs with you.

This is exactly what I was considering in my situation when I was being pushed to a near plan B...

On the martial arts thing. Talk with your instructor. Explain to him that there are issues with the class schedules...heck...EXPOSE the affair to him and explain to him why you don't want to be around WH. Ask him if there's any way he could work with you on this. Perhaps you could go to class 15 minutes early and leave 15 minutes early? Or attend on different days? If flat out says he can't do anything, ask him if there are any other schools that teach the same/similar styles that you could 'try out' for a while during the time you're sorting this all out.

SMB,

My heart breaks for you. I have been praying for you. You have the best guiding you and we're all here for you.

Ace

I am deeply sorry for your pain. IMHO, this man is no longer worth holding on to...he is a hollow person and a really bad father at this point.

Do everything you can to go totally dark on him and contact a lawyer asap. All signs point to divorce here and you will want a bull dog attorney to see to it that this adulterer gets everything he has coming to him. IMHO, you should place no faith in this "man" from this point forward....never again lower the cost of admission back into your life.

If he ever removes his head from his asss, insist on a post nup and a polygraph as he has shown that his word is worth nothing at all. I also hope that you have protected yourself and refrained from sleeping with him. If not...please get yourself checked out as soon as possible.

You and your children deserve better than the man they call dad. One day you will be in a very happy place and would never consider taking back a pos that would treat his family this way.

Good luck.

MEDC

as far as the MA class...expose there and most likely they will ask your WH to relocate. My instructor would never have tolerated that kind of behavior disrupting his teaching.

Thank you MEDC. Often I cringe when I read what you post to me, because I have not been ready to give up.

And the cost of admission will never be lowered again. You all have been right about him all along. I wanted to believe we could make it so badly that I let him home without requiring what should have been. That won't ever happen again. If he ever decided to come home, and IF I have anything left for him then, well, he WILL jump through whatever hoops I place before him or he won't be coming back.

But I really don't think that I will be in that place. I think this is headed to D.

UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No, this is not an acceptable arrangement with me any longer. I just wanted to believe so badly. But I can't anymore. Everyone here kept telling me the truth from the beginning.

This was one of the first places I did expose. I wanted the instructor's to know what my children were dealing with at home. Plus, my H is an instructor there. It is a Christian organization and they have struggled with what to do about this situation. They considered asking him to leave, but not all were in agreement. I was told by the highest ranking person there, that it was "whatever I need". When he came home, I think they all felt that since he was working on things (yeah, right), that he was heading in the right direction.

I will talk with them again. I know that he has lost respect from all who are there. They all know and love our family. They know what kind of wife and mother I am, and they cannot believe that he has done this.

Honestly, I think he will check out of there anyway eventually. Over the past few months, he has found many reasons to get all in a huff about things there. I believe that's more about his not being comfortable there anymore. He was so respected and admired by everyone for the husbnand and father he appeared to be.

MEDC,

What MA do you study. My kids do Okinawan karate and weapons, H does Akido, and I do Tai Chi. I just began learning the fan in Tai Chi. I LOVE IT.

SMB,

I am so glad you were brave enough to post here again in spite of your fears.

Take care of yourself.

Set up a plan.

Organize your support sysem.

Realize that "life as you knew it" may be a victim of the "life's just not fair" disease....and your childen may be innocent victims in the fallout.

Post to seek info and vent on MB, even if you fear what you might hear.

Call Dr. Harley's son, Steve or daughter Jennifer for help and ask the attorney to have WH pay for it. It's what you will need for your sanity to care for your children during this difficult time.

Know that we are all here for you in your personal recovery, regardless what he chooses to do.

I'm praying for you.

Ace