[quote} Many attorneys only want to facilitate an amicable divorce, SMB. YOU DO NOT WANT THIS. Because you do not want a divorce. You want to drag this out and make it as difficult as possible for your H. So, your goals may be different than your attorneys, so make sure he understands your goal, and is willing to comply. Remember, he works FOR YOU.

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I think my attorney is preparing for a battle anyway. He is expecting H has money "hidden" as a business owner. And there have been many things the business paid for for our family or me that lawyer said needs accounted for and added onto income H reports. But we are also in a waiting mode, because we need H to live in the county he just moved to for 90 days before we file there. Attorney said that my county is not kind to wives, and this other county is MUCH better on child support/alimony.

The only struggle I have right now is whether I want to fight to save this marriage. Even IF he left OW and had no feelings for her any longer, and IF he came home and really was loving toward me again, I don't know if I desire that anymore. So much has happened and been said...

I know that an intact family is best for kids, I know that the damage of divorce will last forever, but having a marriage with all this baggage???? A clean break is starting to seem a good place. I don't know, I am rambling. I suppose if he came to me, humble, TRULY remorseful, and willing to do EVERYTHING, even above and beyond what I need, well, maybe he would tap those feelings in me again and it would all come flooding back.

A friend told me that if God works a miracle in H's heart, God will also give to me what I need to come back to this marriage.

I just don't know if I could want it...but then I feel, it isn't about what I want, but about what God wants. I did marry for life and meant it.

Oh well, none of this matters right now, does it? I don't expect him to come home ever. He has hardened his heart so much.

Son just told me that last night when dad called to say good night, son asked when they can go hang out at his new house and spend the night.

Dad told him maybe today. Well, he better think twice! I have made plans for our family.

Does he really think he can just come and get these kids without checking with me???!!!

He took two of them yesterday when he moved his stuff. We were at the dojo, and he asked if they wanted to go with him. They came over asking, "Can we go with dad?" all excited. That isn't happening again.

I cannot wait to discuss this with lawyer and get this all down in writing. He is NOT going to be in and out of my life whenever he feels like it. He chose to leave. He says, I'm not leaving my kids. I'm thinking, uh, duh, do you live in the same house they do. If not, then you LEFT YOUR KIDS!!!!!!!

You can't move out and be anything more than a visitor. What is a visitor??? Someone who doesn't live in the same house!

OK, that was a just a short break from our regularly schedule show... We now resume calm peace.

SMB,

This is a long shot, but did you try www.zabasearch.com to find current information on OW's H?

Good luck and I hope for the best for you and your children.

LC

SMB, it is the most surreal experience I ever had. Remember, though, I had 30+ years of a detached marriage and was so miserable I wondered how I might be able to 'get H to do something to justify my getting out'. After his A, when he chose to de-fog, feelings of love did not flood "back" for me, but began to develop anew on their own......gradually. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />


I think your friend is on the right track. It will be different for every couple, though.


I was sure I did NOT want it until DS25 challenged me and said to "fight for our family".(On D-Day #1, WH had said he would agree to a D if that's what I wanted) 3 more D-days later, we still are fighting for our family. We often, however, are fighting against triggers and memories...which is a difficult battle when they constantly challenge whether or not you've made the right choice. Plank and MEDC have given you very viable options that you'll have to decide which fits your sitch better. It's your choice.


It's OK to never expect him to come home. But don't discount the miracles of God that can and often do happen. God's love can soften the most hardened of hearts.

What do you want, SMB? Realize that this could change sooner or later. Be open to God's leading and lean on your awesome support group.....and please keep posting. (I don't mind digging to find your thread to bump, but I confused myself when you began posting on the 'other thread' I had forgotten about! Thanks for acknowledging it.)

Still praying for you,

Ace

P.S. Mel, (and others) thanks for your commitment to help me, SMB and others all these years. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

SMB, this is one of the reasons you need to go into Plan B. You are too emotionally battered right now to make any such decision about the future of your marriage. Don't even think about it. Simply go forward with the plan to protect yourself legally, expose the affair, and then go into Plan B. Don't burn any bridges, just go forward as if you want to save the marriage, and then you can decide later. When you DO decide, hopefully the peace and quiet of Plan B will afford you the sane mind and calm emotions in order to make a good decision for all. But you can't make such a decision in your current mental state.

I think you can cause huge conflict in the affair by exposing to the OW's husband and her family. Do you have this information? Exposure is like chemotherapy to cancer.

thanks Ace <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Wow....from this perspective, I can the beauty of plan B. Not literally, as nothing associated with this A stuff is pretty.....but the future focus of why/how plan B works.....to preserve and protect.

I don't understand all of its implications or how it plays out in day-to-day life, but I can continue to bump and encourage.

How did things turn out yesterday, SMB?

Ace

Mon. eve update...

I have continued to feel this calmness. I wonder if this is what it feels like when you know you are done??

Sunday we went to church, then picked up daughter from sleepover, then took all the kids with me to grocery. I was hoping H would not be here when I got home, but thought that he might be since he said he was coming over to work on house. He was here. He started barking orders to the kids about picking up stuff in the yard. It was as if he thought he could waltz in here and resume his position as the authority in this place. What an idiot! He must think I am a real wimp that he can walk all over.

The kids and I had plans that evening to go to some friends. But I loaded them up early and we went to my parents for dinner. I decided H isn't going to use home repairs as an excuse to hang out at my house. I can't just go hang out at his place for the weekend, so what makes him think he should be able to do it here.

IT IS BOUNDARY TIME!!!! Welcome to the real world, baby.

Today we had plans to spend the day at another friends (I have so many wonderful friends who have an open door policy for me and my kids). We were just getting ready to leave when H calls. He says he's going shopping today and would like to take one of our boys with him (he already knew we had plans.) I say, "Uh, no, we have plans." So he talks with each of the boys. My daughter refused to talk to him. She also is refusing to go to his house next weekend (or any weekend). I expect she will soften a bit in time, but then again, she has been known to hold resentments for quite awhile.

So we spend the entire day with friends. My oldest son had other plans. I get home and oldest son tells me H stopped by after we left and before son left. Now H knew we were gone, because he had talked to the kids on the phone just an hour before and they told him we were leaving right then. This really p(sses me off that he feels totally entitled to come into my home when I am not here and without my permission.

So I will call lawyer first thing a.m. to set up appointment to get formal separation taken care of. I need to address:

1. Finances--check will be mailed on ___ day of every week.
2. Visitation--days and times
3. Holidays
4. Home repairs--I would like to get estimates and he can pay for what still needs done--he will not do any further work

5. Deadline for getting all of his things out of here (I'm thinking this week).

6. He is not to enter my home ever when I am not home and without my permission.

Is there anything else you all can think of that I have left out?

That will work BEFORE Plan B. When you go into Plan B, you request that he NEVER enter the house and change the locks. You DO NOT want him sauntering into your house while you are in Plan B.

Am glad you are feeling calmer today, SMB. This will all work out!

Mel,

I have no Plan A left in me, especially when he is waltzing in my home like he still belongs here, thinking he has say.

I just can't do it anymore. I need to be dark right now. And not for my marriage, but for my sanity. I don't feel there is a marriage any longer. Right now, Plan A feels like a betrayal against myself.

I changed the locks the first time he left. When he came home, I left a key for him on the dresser. Three different times I told him it was there for him. And he never picked it up. I know why...he never planned to stay.

So, H does not have a key. What he does have is oldest son who let him in today. Son didn't know not to. H loaded some stuff from garage and that seemed acceptable to son because he sees this stuff as "dad's".

After I see lawyer, I will have to discuss the boundaries with my kids.

Thats ok, SMB, thats something you can deal with when you go into Plan B. Until then, I can't think of any reason why he shouldn't come in.

In fact, it is a GOOD IDEA for him to come inside whenever possible in the next couple of weeks. When he does come in, be as pleasant as possible and make the house as warm, clean and inviting as possible! That should be the last thing on his mind before you go dark. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Yes, I finally REALLY get the purpose of Plan B. I just don't know that I am doing it for my marriage...it is more about my sanity.

There is something peaceful at this point about having him out of my life. I did not feel this at all the first time around. I felt hurt and angry, not at all peaceful---ever.

Mel,

See above. I have no Plan A left in me. I cannot do it anymore. I don't want the pieces back together. I think we will be better without him. He won't be, though.

I want to get my boundaries set, and I want to be dark forever.

How do you all handle goodnight calls for the kids?

Some nights he calls to say good night. I was considering telling him he needs to call at 7:30 to tell them good night. The younger ones go to bed at 8:00. When he calls later, it just delays bedtime or interferes with me tucking them in.

Honestly, I would prefer not to even answer the phone. But that's not what is best for my kids, I know. So I am trying to figure out how to make this work for them and me.

Also, if I know what time he is calling, I can have one of the kids answer the phone instead of me.

Soccer games are starting this week. I am wondering how to be dark when I expect H to pop in at some if not all of the games.

I need to hear how to be dark with a H who lives close by and has always been the type of dad to be at his kids' activities.

I would really like to move....faa, faa away. But I have such a wonderful support group here, I'd be crazy to leave.

ok, SMB, his affair won't last forever and neither will your anger so you can't afford to leave a bad taste in his mouth before you go dark. You have managed all this for this long, you can manage about 2 more weeks of Plan A before you go DARK. I KNOW YOU CAN! This way when his affair crumbles, and it will, he will remember how nice it was with you.

And you may decide you don't want him back! But you can't make that decision NOW in your current mental state. That decision needs to come AFTER you have been in Plan B awhile and have regained some peace of mind and sound judgement.

So, even though you don't FEEL like doing any Plan A and would rather tell him to go to hale, please humor us and just do it. I just don't want you to burn any bridges right now while you are under duress becuase your emotions are in charge today and they are your worst enemy.

Oh, Mel, you ask so much of me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I understand your point, but I keep hearing his words and I want to protect myself from that pain again.

Are you proposing that I allow him over to work on the house, allow him to hang with the kids, visit with him at the soccer field, blah, blah, blah??

Do I still see my lawyer and get this paperwork done? Do I tell lawyer not to deliver for two weeks?

What exactly do you expect of me, Mel??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I just want it all to end and to move on without him. And right now I can't find the anger or the hurt. I just feel...detached.

One more for my list to the lawyer:

Children will not be exposed to other woman.

I know that feeling.....had it for nearly 30 years. It could be a protection mechanism. You should be able to Plan A in the midst of feeling "detached" so that's possibly a good thing.

Jump into a time machine, SMB and allow youself to create the perfect dream.....maybe one where the man (before he became your WH) was the man of your dreams and treated you like a princess.....honoring you, cherishing you, being committed to you and your entire family.....dream. (It's difficult when your love bank has been depleted as far as yours has, but forece yourself to dream anyway.)

Then reverse to two weeks from now. Visualize that you've acted like that princess....being gracious, cooperative, loving (??!!!) and kind.

Then disappear. <Poof!>

Then "detach" again and go dark.

When you can visualize and execute a perfect Plan A, not only will your Plan B have a better chance of being effective but two other effects could occur:

1. You will have done the best you could do to make that dream come true.

2. If it doesn't happen, you will have done your best to try to work the process and will be able to move on knowing you make the most of all your resources.

Quitting now would create an "I wonder if" mentality that could haunt you forever.

Keep posting and remember we're all here for you.

I'm praying for your peace,

Ace

Here's what I have written up to give to my lawyer. Let me know what you think.


Finances

A check for $____ will be mailed on Friday of every week.


Moving

Husband will remove all personal belongings from family home no later than Sunday, September 9. (This date may change as I get my ducks in a row.)


Visitation

The children ages 13 and older will have the choice as to with whom they spend their weekends and holidays.

Other children will spend every other weekend with their father. They will be picked up on Friday at 6:30 p.m. and returned home on Sunday at 4:30 p.m.


Holidays

Father—New Year’s Eve and Day, Father’s Day weekend

Mother—Christmas Eve and Day, Mother’s Day weekend

Divided—Thanksgiving and Easter (Thanksgiving Day with father; Easter Day with mother)

Rotated—Independence Day

Christmas Eve and Day will be spent with mother.

New Year’s Eve and Day will be spent with father. Children will be picked up on New Year’s Eve at 5 p.m. and returned home New Year’s Day at 5 p.m.

Easter weekend will be divided. Children will be picked up Friday evening at 5 p.m. and returned home Saturday evening at 5 p.m. Easter Day will be spent with mother.

Mother’s Day weekend will be with mother.

Father’s Day weekend will be with father.

Independence Day will rotate every year. When spent with father, children will be picked up at 10 a.m. and returned home no later than 11 p.m.

Thanksgiving Holiday will be divided. Thursday will be spent with father. Children will be picked up at 10 a.m. and return home at 7 p.m. Friday will be spent with mother.


Home Remodeling

Husband will continue to oversee the completion of the kitchen and bathroom that are both in progress by working with contractors.

Wife will obtain estimates on the following projects. Husband will financially support the completion of these projects, which will be completed within the next three months:

• items listed out


Other Items

Husband is not to enter family home.

Goodnight calls to children should be made at 7:30 p.m. so as not to disturb children once they are in bed. If family is not home at the time of the call, a return call will be made by children to their father if the children so desire.

Under no circumstances are children to be exposed to OW's name.







NOTE for lawyer: Will it help to hire PI to prove current affair? Husband has admitted affair and many witnesses can attest to that. Will it be in my best interest to file divorce due to adultery?