I am waiting to hear back from my lawyer's office to schedule an appointment to prepare a separation agreement, which will include: finances, visitation, home remodeling, not entering home.

Then I will go mostly Plan B. I don't expect to be totally dark, though, at least not right away. Our kids are playing soccer for the next 1 1/2 months, and I know our paths will cross there. That part will be complicated, it seems to me. But it will be short term.

Once that is over, I am planning other activities for the kids that H will not be a part of.

Ok, here is what you do. Starting today - re-arrange the furniture, change things around. De-clutter as much as possible. Move the furniture around in every room of the house. That way, it will be very difficult for him to walk through the house giving out his orders. He will look lost and confused, and see his family moving on without him. That is the naughty, vindictive side of this plan. You will see him walking through the room, dazed and confused, and it will make you smile. I would even move some of the pots and pans in the kitchen - you want him to really feel like this train is moving on without him, and he had better hop on, or get the heck out of the way.

The positive side of that plan, is that he needs to start seeing right away, that you and the kids are going ahead with yor lives. You will not be frozen in time, waiting for him to step back into the family as if nothing happened.

When he does stop by, while you are still in plan A, be friendly, and kind. But let him see that he is the one who will be left behind, if he does not stop his current destructive path.

SMB, a couple of points that stand out to me:


Perhaps you could prepare to sit on the OTHER SIDE and walk away when he approaches you? I would think of some way to avoid all contact.

Additionally, many lawyers push for "co-parenting." [versus Plan B] because they simply try to facilitate an amicable divorce/sep. If this happens, you must resist and we can arm you with quotes and articles from psychogists and specialists about how "co-parenting" is often damaging.

WOF5,

That's funny that you say that. When he moved out the first time, I ripped up our living room carpet(hardwood underneath--which I love), switched our living room and family room furniture (moved one set up stairs and moved the other down).

Since he left this time, I have rearranged my bedroom, rearranged the family room and continue to tweak the rooms here and there. Yes, I love moving furniture around anyway. But now...well, I don't have to consider what he will think. It's all about what I like.

As far as the kitchen...well, that's really funny. Most of my kitchen is boxed up because of our remodeling. The kitchen is down to the studs. Electrician was in last week, plumber next week, cabinet and counter installer the week after, then the flooring. So once that is all done, I will get to create my own new kitchen.

Mel,

I will do my best once I go Plan B to be as dark as I can.

The first time around, I told my lawyer I wanted full custody and he said that most judges go for shared parenting.

I just spoke with his office and have an appointment for Monday. I will tell him then that I want full custody. I do not want to share with him any decision making.

I was just out with kids going garage saling. My 17 yos was with us. They wanted to show me where daddy's new place is. So we went by, and guess what. His car was there.

Fridays are a very busy afternoon for him at work, and he never takes them off unless he really has a good reason. My guess is that OW was there with him.

It did mess with my mind. Mentally, I kinda went to that dark place for about 30 minutes. Now we're home and I am letting it go. It just kills a little more of my feelings when I think about him taking off work to be with her (today probably--and many other days over the last months) when I would have LOVED for him to take off for me and take me to a hotel (he confessed that he did that with her). I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO ESCAPE LIKE THAT WITH HIM!!!

OK, back to surrendering him to God, letting go, and moving on...back to calm, back to peaceful, back to calm, back to peaceful....

And thanks for the positive words about handling the situation with my daughter. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Can someone link me or direct me to Plan B info. I want to reread as much as I can this weekend as I prepare for this.

I am going to get Love Must Be Tough tomorrow and read that, too.

Thank you, Plank, for the encouragement. I am now at a place where I BELIEVE that no matter what the outcome is, I will be fine...one day full of joy again.

You are handling this like a queen. You are truly a wonderful woman and mom. Truly, God gives you His peace.

I see in your posts that you want full custody and I hope you get it. But I thought of something as I read your post about the kids wanting to go by his house. What if they had wanted to go in and see their daddy? My goodness, that could be detrimental to them if OW had been there. Don't forget to have the "no paramours" clause put in the visitation order too. If he can go and stop in at your home whenever he pleases or even see them as he pleases(ie games,karate), he's leading the kids to believe there is an open door policy between them and him. And they will be asking to "stop by" wherever he's "at" in the near future when they want to see him. He needs to be the one responsible for keeping "her" separate from his kids. If their dad wants an open door policy with them, get your atty to make it where he can't have her at his home or their activities. That way he might be less likely to fight your request for full custody.

just a thought

Blessings,

Jewel

SMB,


I like your attitude.... rock on! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hi SMB,

If you haven't found this yet, here is the link to Mark's Musings thread:

It is an extensive thread for Newbies (I'll bump it, too.) but page 2 had some great posts on Plan B. Plus, there are lots of links on subsequent pages, too. It's a very helpful thread cuz Mark's an extremely helpful guy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I know you can do this and I'm glad to see you posting more often to gain strength for the difficult times ahead.

Ace

Ace,

Thanks for the link. I spent some time this morning reading much of it. Lots of helpful stuff there.

Appointment is scheduled with lawyer for Monday.

Husband is so clueless about what he is going to miss. He thinks he'll still be such an involved dad. Oh, pleeeaaassee. No more listening to them play beautiful music on the guitar or piano in the evening, he will miss many funny comments the younger kids make, he'll miss his daughter's first date and really will be on the outside of even helping her choose, he'll miss seeing kids' schoolwork and projects (we do lots of cool projects in our homeschool), he'll miss all the really cool things I do to help kids have gifts for him (we often made really touching things). These are things that have meant a lot to him over the years. He'll also miss being in on decisions about them--what activities they participate in, who their friends are, what they study in school, what church they go to, and on and on.

He'll miss a wife that is devoted to him and treats him with respect and honor; a wife who thinks he is the best catch in the whole freakin' world.


He's so stupid in his fogged out head. I think he'll even miss the way I feel next to him, and the smiles I gave him, and the way I prepared the holidays for the kids & the gifts they made for grandparents (he's on his own with his family), and the goosebumps I got EVERY SINGLE TIME I...I...don't know how to say it on here....you know, the SF thing. He thinks because she talks dirty and does some nasty thing I don't, he won't miss me. But I know there are many things that he'll miss, he'll long for, but that's his problem. I've been missing my man for the last year. Now it's my turn to disappear. POOF!

Yesterday, I read the funny post about WS's who need to find themselves. It was the first total bust out laughing, oh-my-belly-hurts-from laughing moment since April. It is sooooo him.

SMB,
Yes he is going to miss it all.

And you are going to be fine.

Thanks MG!

I am going to be FINE, really FINE.

Tell me what you think about this idea for visitation. We have 5 children. I am considering telling H I would agree to him having three oldest one weekend and younger two the following. And alternate their visitations like that. That way he can play daddy EVERY weekend. Right now I'm sure he's thinking he can have every other weekend to spend with OW.

Whatdaya think? Pros? Cons?

I don't care for the idea as I think the kids would miss out on having that quality time to be able to do something as a family.
I also think that your WH needs to suffer the consequences of not having his family around for stretches of time.

Just my opinion.

SMB,

When I was going through a divorce about ten years ago with a then WW she said things like:

The kids will be just fine.

This will bring the three of you closer together.

We will still be a family.

Those statistics you are citing don’t take into account situations like ours.

BLEH!

All WS babble speak and untrue.

But the saddest part of all of that crap was that she believed it.

I'm not sure what statistics you mean. I don't recall siting any stats--don't think I even know any.



The babble you posted is the SAME EXACT babble WS has spoken. He actually told my youngest that they would spend MORE time with him because he wasn't usually home in the evenings anyway. And that now they would spend an entire weekend with him. Give me a freakin' break! I told my boys, "you do realize, that daddy could have spent every evening and weekend with you if he chose to." My 11yos looked at me, "Like, Oh, yeah, that's right." That's when I realized how easy it is for a parent to bulldoze a child to believe anything one wants them to, at least for a while.

The really insane part is up until this year, H has shared with me his grief about his parents divorce (he was 16). He has struggled with abandonment from his mom (she's the one who moved out), along with the anger, hurt, and betrayal. He has talked about how the holidays are so painful even today, because he can't just "go home" and see his family. He has two visit two different places and deal with step families. He has even cried in my arms when sharing with me his hurt. Now, all of a sudden, our kids will be fine. WTF?! Talk about denial of the greatest kind. Of all people, I know HE knows, if he could get out of his self-absorbed mindset.

SMB...I believe Plank was giving an example of babble WS talk from HIS FWW in an attempt to show you that they all come up with some crazy lies and manipulations.

Oh, duh, I get it now!

I'm a little slow this morning.

Thanks for helping me out MEDC.