MEDC's point about missing his family every other weekend would make him suffer seems very valid. SMB, were you saying "he would get every other weekend off" as a reason to play with OW verses 'playing daddy'?

If so, that might constitute 'using' your children to distract and "inconvenience" his A, which I think could be very harmful for the kids.

Having him have all of them every other weekend, or even once a month might make him realize what he is missing, which I think is one of the side goals with Plan B.

Of course, I have no experience with plan B but others who have will chime in I'm sure.

Don't berate yourself SMB for not being able to always consider all angles....that's why we're here. (Well, I'm still learning and mainly only encouraging, but others can help you think when things seem fuzzy.)

Still praying for you,

Ace

Ace,

Well, yes, I was thinking that by having some of HIS children every weekend would make it more difficult to play w/ OW. I don't see it as harmful to the kids because, quite frankly, they would probably prefer to not have to compete with so many siblings when they only have daddy for a couple days. I think it might actually be beneficial to them as far as quality time with their daddy. However, yes, I confess, my motives were not pure as I contemplated this idea.

When I thought of this idea, I also was thinking that it might better for him to miss them every other weekend. And having all 5 of them at once can be overwhelming even for those of us who love the chaos they all bring. He told me when his first confessed to affairs that one thing he needed was to be able to spend time with just one or two of the kids, but he always felt like I got mad if he left some at home. That was, of course, a bunch of BS. I LOVED when he took a couple out on errands. He just always picked the older, easier ones. Anyway, my point is that he has already stated that he doesn't ENJOY all 5 of them at once.

Actually, for me, I would prefer him to have them all. At first I hated this idea. But since June's initial shock about of being without them during visitation, I have begun to see that I could use that time to focus on me, and am thinking I might enjoy it at times.

MEDC,

As far as the kids not having family time...We homeschool and are together ALL the time. However, my oldest began community college last year (as a jr. in high school). My younger boys really missed him when he started leaving every day for school. And perhaps this is a time in their lives when big bubby is even more important. That would be a reason not to split them up on the weekends. Although, oldest often has plans of his own and doesn't spend the entire time at dad's anyway.

Yes, I am trying to consider all angles. But it isn't driving me crazy. I love to brainstorm about things and come up with ideas that are often overlooked. So I am just throwing this idea out to be bounced around by all of you.

I appreciate your feedback and your encouragement.

Just an update about my daughter. She stayed at a friend's house Friday night and I did not pick her up until after her brothers went with dad. So she didn't even have to be confronted by him about it right now.

My hope is that after she starts seeing a counselor, her father will be asked to attend a few sessions with her. I think it would be good for BOTH of them.

She and I had a great time. We went to out to eat and to church Sat. night. Then picked out some paint for the house. She liked being a part of that. We picked up a movie and went home with milkshakes and watched to flick.

Major halos and multiple gold stars to you SMB.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />..to have 5 children in the home AND dealing with an unexpected move into "Betrayedville" would be more than I could handle.

I noticed your very impressive post to Skinsgal this morning.....helping others will help you realize how far you've come and give you more strength and confidence than you realize.

What are the age/genders of your 6-17 year olds? I take it the 17 yo is a boy but that's about all I can figure from your posts.

Listing your kids in your sig line: (DS 17,14,8,6; DD 11) might be helpful.

Keep it up....you can do this,
Ace

SMB,


I hate to bring this up but thought I should remind you where there's a will there's a way. If he wants to find time for her he will regardless if you set it up that he has a different child each day of the week.

You can put 1000 obstacles in his way and he will maneuver them as he sees fit.

I agree with your thoughts of him having all of them at the same time and giving you some quality time with yourself.

LC

SMB
I'm for him having all of the kids during his visitation. He will feel the chaos that you feel daily and he may come to see you in a different light (you are more competent than any OW could be, your kids are lucky to have a Mom like you,etc). Well it couldn't hurt.

Also, you can focus on you. Start a new hobby, improve YOU. Be the bast you can be. You know what I mean? It could also make him wonder WHAT you are doing? He won't like you moving on without him.

I think you know that you can't stop them from seeing one another. You don't want to use the kids for that purpose...I know you get that.

And as Ace said....5 kids and dealin with all of this? You are amazing. You are strong and you will recover, married or not.

Just a quick update. Appointment with lawyer was postponed yesterday, and I am waiting to hear back from his office to reschedule.

Sometimes I wonder if H is reading my posts. I really can't imagine that he would bother, but there are little things I notice that make me wonder...or if he tapped my phone. He all of a sudden sat at the other end of the soccer field this weekend, when for the last three games he sat right next to me (which I discussed here). There are a couple other little things that just make me go, "hhhmmmm, could he be?"

I doubt it. But if he is maybe he'll learn something worthwhile. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for pointing out what I should already know. He's found a way all these months while he lived here, so, you are right, he can certainly find a way now that he's gone.

Ace,

I am just doing exactly what you would do, too. Take the hits life has thrown, pick yourself up, and do the best you can for those you love. I've read your posts, I know you'd do the same.

Right now, it seems easier without him here. I think he had caused so much tension and hidden hostility while he was here and sneaking around, that we all feel a little relieved at this point. I am keeping the atmosphere around here relaxed and focusing on nurturing and cuddling with them.

I have to admit that yesterday and this morning I have been struggling with visions of him and other woman again. And just the rejection that I face now hurts so much. I don't really want to "go there" emotionally right now. I have had several days of quiet in my heart, that's where I want to stay. I have been pushing the thoughts out of my mind, refusing to stay focused on any of it. But it keeps creeping back.

Another soccer game tonight. Husband's dad and stepmom will be there tonight. His dad called a few days ago (don't remember if I posted about it) just to let me know that he loves me and is still my daddy-in-law. He refused to talk about TRUTH at all, saying that he just wants to be a listener for H. He and H's mom both had affairs and they divorced. They had a "happy" divorce. They hope we'll have the same for the "sake of the kids". They DON'T GET IT! Doing something for the sake of the kids would be staying married and doing whatever it takes to restore love; it would be modeling commitment and God's truth about marriage; it would be teaching them sin is sin, no matter who commits it.

Anyway, I appreciated his call. But it was a little too late to mean much. This has been going on for almost 5 months. He just heard from a relative that I "felt like I had lost my entire family" (because I had been so close with most of H's family). That's why he called. He made himself feel better.

I guess I'm starting to vent a little here.

I am looking forward to scrapbooking and writing, which I never have time for. I think just those two things will keep me pretty occupied. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the encouragement, but like I told Ace, I'm doing the same thing all of you would do (or have done). The biggest challenge with 5 kids is just trying to tune into what each one needs, and be available enough to EACH one. But I know that God will make up where I fall short. I know that He will. I continue to talk with my children about turning TO God and not away from Him during trials and storms; that we need to trust that He will make all things good in His time, because we love Him and have been called to be His. My oldest says this is the first time he has NEEDED God and that He feels stronger in his convictions now. My middle child says He knows that God is with us and we will be OK (he has a gift for understanding Scripture and for standing for truth). Months ago he was telling his dad that he didn't like the music he was listening to and would he please change it. [email]Dumb@ss[/email] dad would just turn it up. Oddly enough, just last summer, H was lecturing cousins about the negative effect of secular music (don't want to debate that--just demonstrating that WH is NOTHING like real H.)

Daughter says her relationship with God is "just confusing". I tell her to keep the faith, because GOD is always faithful even when it seems He is not. To hold on to truth; and that God is still God; and when storms come, he will calm the storm or he will calm us. Just keep turning TO Him.

Everytime I talk with one of them, I hear what I say and am reminded to keep the faith. I know my example will speak more than my words. I love them so much and want to do right by them in their growing relationship with the Lord.

Soooo, I TRUST Him to make up where I fall short---because I will be tired sometimes, and I will be hurting most times, and I will be lonely and grieving and resentful and just plain sick of what my WH has done to us, to what we had, to what we were.

SMB,
You're doing great, really. Pat yourself on the back. What you're dealing with is so difficult and yet you are keeping it together along with encouraging your kids to stay on the path. That takes strength...don't fool yourself.


As you mentioned above.... the imagery in your head. I think just stopping the thoughts dead in their tracks is the best way to stay sane. When you start to go there...switch gears...remain in the good place....thoughts of your kids laughing, good times with friends....WHATEVER it takes.

BTW...it's ok to vent here...anytime.

P.S. I'm already starting to see your personal recovery.

Help!!!

I just got the "proof" I need that he is still involved with OW. Yes, I knew it was so, but now I have it staring me in the face. Can't go into how, just in case.

What do I do now?! I have been trying to locate OW's H and cannot get contact info on him. I guess it's time to hire PI. I would like to contact OW, and ask her what her intentions are. Remind her that she has devastated my children, and they will never accept her into their lives.

Help me! My peace is gone at the moment! I am angry, my stomach is churning.

I have appointment with lawyer tomorrow a.m. I was going to tell him I want a legal separation, and I will not proceed with dissolution or divorce. Right at the moment, though, I want to tell him to send accountant to H's business and start investigating every crook and cranny of his books. I want to tell him to take H for every penny I can and that he will see MY kids as little as possible. I want to rip his head off, is what I want to do!

You have been through enough. As far as I am concerned to quote Shakespeare..

"Cry havoc..and sick loose the dogs of war."

I am sorry SMB. You never deserved this.

Sexy:

Please try to calm down and know that most of us have been through this same process.

I'm happily recovered for four years Sept 1..I just realized this..and went through MORE THAN ONE false recovery..I can't remember how many....

It takes the WS awhile to break the addiction to the OW...

Whatever you do, DO NOT CALL THE OW..she does not care about destroying your family...that's what she wants and will use anything you do or say to her AGAINST you....

Yes, get as much INFO as you can, EXPOSE as much as you can...and most importantly, PROTECT YOURSELF....

Be EMOTIONAL here and not with THE ENEMY...

GO UNDERCOVER...

This is a WAR..which requires WAR TACTICS....

I have to go sit at the soccer fields tonight and will see H there,along with H's father and step mom. How do I NOT RIP HIS EYES OUT!

Read this post that I WROTE a couple of years ago...


------------------------------------------------------------

It's almost 3 years since my D-DAY and what a D-DAY it was. Driving down the hotel strip in my town on New Years Eve, I see my H's car and the OW's car parked..seems like the only cars in the parking lot...the desk person MIRACULOUSLY tells me his room number..I knock on the door and he answers in his boxers,saying "I'M ENDING IT RIGHT NOW"...OH WHAT A NIGHT!...I proceed to my car and call everyone I can think of..his best friends... OW calls me on my cellphone and asks me: "Who are you the GD FBI?"(to give you a flavor of her)-guess I ruined her night of fun because my H left her there in the hotel room and so the PROCESS begins....PLAN A..FALSE RECOVERIES...PLAN B...REAL RECOVERY for 2 Years.... This may be more information than you need to know...

I wanted to share this morning because I am coming to a place of putting a lot of this behind me. It is painful to recall those events now (my body began to shake as I typed it) and I really don't have to play that out again much anymore.

My H is genuinely dear to me now. I have had the sweetest and most wonderful weekend with him. He has definitely chosen me. He has filled my life with such pleasant memories over the past two years that, even if something else happens, I feel blessed for having had this special time with him.

In the midst of this weekend, I've been lurking and reading about your trials. These are thoughts that I want to share with you before I get to the point of FORGETTING THE TRAUMAS THAT I EXPERIENCED... My FWH is wiping the pain away...Most importantly, I am becoming STRONG enough in my PERSONAL RECOVERY to not allow those past traumas and memories to intrude and rob me of EXPERIENCING TRUE JOY in my life.

DO NOT GIVE UP HOPE I held on to HOPE AND FAITH for dear life. This was the main thing that kept me going. If not hope for your marriage, maintain hope and faith in your spirit, in your soul, for your own well-being. I turned to MY GOD, to MY PERSONAL SAVIOUR in the midnight hours and constantly and regularly received PERSONAL TOUCHES and MESSAGES from the HOLY SPIRIT. Even if you do not share my religious beliefs, do whatever it takes to remain focused on the LIGHT and not the DARK....DO NOT LET ANYONE ROB YOU OF YOUR HOPE AND FAITH...that is the GOAL OF THE ENEMY....

VIEW THIS AS A SERIES OF BATTLES See yourself as a soldier in a war..a fight for yourself..a fight for your marriage..a fight against the forces of evil...Given your hope and faith (discussed above), BELIEVE that you will be victorious and conquer the ENEMY..ONE BATTLE AT A TIME....

VIEW YOUR WS AS BEING DRUG-ADDICTED My FWH was just as bad, lost,desperate, craved, nasty, smelly as any meth or cocaine addict...This is not a contest that anyone wants to win. But, I bet that I can top any story that the WSes are discussing on the boards lately... At some point in all of this, my FWH was emotionally abusive, at times physically abusive, abandoned me, abandoned his children...all of the above and worse than I can possibly believe at this point...he seemed POSSESSED and EVIL....A MONSTER, at times.. Now I look at him after FULL WITHDRAWAL and his OWN INSISTENCE on USING EXTREME PRECAUTIONS and I can't BELIEVE WHAT I SEE... He is truly the SWEETEST, KINDEST PERSON to me.. For two full years, I have waited for that MONSTER to return.. Early on, their were daily glimpses but as each day goes by he comes closer and closer to being his former self or even better....HE HAS DEFINITELY CHANGED...

LEARN STRATEGIES TO INSULATE YOURSELF FROM THE MONSTER WHO IS NOT REALLY YOUR SPOUSE It's like I learned to enclose myself in a cocoon that he could not penetrate. I would come on here to vent. I would retreat to the bathroom. I would go on LONG DRIVES in my car. It was important not to be swept up into HIS EVILNESS..INTO HIS CRAZY WORLD...That would have legitimized his craziness.. Of course, the eventual PLAN B is perfect sanctuary....

CONTINUE TO EXPOSE... This so freeing..Tell everybody you know. You are in the RIGHT. He is in the WRONG. This is an essential battle strategy. This will get back to one of them and they will continually BE SHAMED. Don't believe that others are supportive of what they are doing...I had fantasies of fencing them in her house so they wouldn't want to come out. This turned out to be truer than I believed at the time. They took back roads and snuck around town while I took the main roads and let everybody know what my H was doing...

A few more thoughts....

LET YOUR WAYWARD SPOUSE GO....FOCUS ON YOURSELF...I really got this after reading LOVE MUST BE TOUGH by DOBSON although this was pounded into me by others...I came to accept that there was no amount of crying, pleading, explaining, questioning or PLAN Aing that I could do to make my H stop his A..He had to eventually choose to break up with her on his own...He had to be ready...

HE HAD TO HIT HIS BOTTOM This was the reason for the false recoveries..He came back before he was ready..He came back before he had scraped the very bottom of the barrel..He had to come face to face with all that he was losing..He had to come face to face with who the OW REALLY WAS... This is what can happen in PLAN B...

Another one of my thoughts:

When you fail or make a mistake, get right back up on the horse...get back into the battle....

Mimi is a great example of someone that got through many false recoveries.
I guess it all depends on what you are willing to put up with.
There are at least as many people on this site that have put up with d-day after d-day only to wind up divorced.
IMHO, I wouldn't give him a chance for a 3-100 d-day. SMB..only you can make that call.

Figure out a way to CONTROL YOUR FEELINGS...

Don't go to the soccer game if that will HELP you...

Go for a drive in your car..SING and YELL...

Walk around the soccer field during the game for exercise...

DO WHATEVER YOU CAN TO GET RID OF THAT URGE....

I think PLAN FU would show better results.