Thanks Michele. You have been just wonderful.

SMB - a STRONG WOMAN does what she needs to do for herself and her kids and does not care what the frak her WH thinks about ANYTHING. THAT is the whole point of Plan B!!!
Mulan

SMB... I want your M to work out...BUT more importantly, I want YOU to be okay...that is first on my list. I am not one of the "save the M at all costs" crowd around here (as you can probably tell).
Mulan summed up Plan B quite nicely. I actually would add, that it is Plan SMB. This is for you. And this time...NEVER, EVER, NEVER....lower the price of admission back into your life. Not one little bit. Sweet talking, promises, I wills are all to be considered total bull crappp until your WH demonstrates clear, defined and verifiable actions that are consistent with your needs. Until then, he is pooh.
Hang in right now only if it benefits YOU. If you need to get certain things done around the house..then either get them done some other way...or let him finish and send his cheating asss away.
You do NOT deserve what has happened to you....No matter what happens from this point forward, you are a fighter and a great mom.
Have a nice day.
MEDC

Mulan & MEDC,

Thank you. I will try to keep in the forefront of my mind that Plan B is TOTALLY about me and for me. Sometimes I start out thinking clearly and the further I go the more my emotions start churning. Then I become a befuddled mess.

I am getting many exposure details in order over the next few weeks. It does seem that my timeline will all come together in about 3-4 weeks at the longest. So I will hang in there as I finish working some of these details out. I will post more about them as I get things in order.

SMB,

It sounds like your timeline for Plan B is good. You can use that time to 'prep' for it. Start getting your letter together and post it here.

I wouldn't bother thinking on what your WH thinks of Plan B. Plan B is not FOR him, at any rate. It's for YOU. It doesn't matter what he says or does, once he gets that letter, you won't be listening. No matter how much the WS knows about MB, they are justification making fog machines, anyway, who are not living in reality. You will be putting him on ignore, and getting back to reality.

I'm so sorry that you have so much pain. I remember my crying jags. You have been at this for TOO long now; it's time to detach and take care of you, learn to self soothe and get the opportunity to be happy, contented, at peace. It will take some work, but you will find it again.

OK, "you won't be listening" and "you will be putting him on ignore".

Now that helps me get my bearings again. I think it is beginning to sink in. I may need a reminder again.

I will continue to read up on Plan B and will be posting my letter. I will probably work on it this weekend while H has the kids.

Tough evening at the soccer field. Nothing really happened between H and me. Just hurts to watch my kids. Sometimes I feel betrayed by them. I know that's NOT the case, but...

Youngest leaves me to sit on dad's lap when he arrives. Comes back to sit next to me for a while, then says, "Can I move my chair and sit with daddy?" I answer, "If that's where you want to sit." (Inside I am crushed--perhaps I should be happy for their relationship--but that's not how it feels right now).

9 yos goes over to sit w/ dad, too.

Then oldest arrives at game, which is a surprise to me. He walks up and I ask why he is there. (I had just left him at home a half hour earlier.) He says he is going to go "hang out" at dad's place tonight. I ask why. He says just to hang for awhile. Then he goes and stands by dad for the entire game. So, even though I KNOW IT IS BEST for them to have a relationship with their father...I feel abandonded by the ones I am fighting for. I feel betrayed by them, when I know that is not the case. But as I was sitting all alone, feeling all alone, I couldn't help but think that.

I KNOW this is not reality; I am just confessing the ugly feelings I am having.

How do you line your heart up with your head?!

I know this is not a competition. Yet, I admit, I struggle with feeling like dad will always be the one they run to with excitement...the one they are sooooo happy to see.

As I write this, I am processing through my emotions and trying to understand them. I think what really got to me tonight was my oldest. When he arrived and said he was going to go "hang" with dad, that's when I felt torn up inside. I need to look at why this was a trigger for me. Why did it send me home crying? Why have I been crying for an hour?

I don't have an answer yet.

smb,

My heart aches for you right now.

I have no advice, just want to let you know that I will pray for you and your family again tonight.

RLT

SMB,

I can only agree with RLT...I am soooooo sorry for your pain. I am glad you can vent here as I know others will have wise words for you. I've never experienced this (our DS/DD were 25 & 27 when they confronted their father) but they took no sides and told us to get our act together on our own.

It is tough....are you keeping a journal? That will help vent what you don't feel you can vent here. Can you reach out to one very intimate friend who has experienced a similar "competitive" quandary? Stay tough, even through the tears, SMB. Post when you can and focus on taking care of you. If you don't, you won't have what your kids need from you.

(((((((({{{{{{{{SMB))))))))}}}}}}}}

Still praying for you,

Ace

I think I would feel the same way SMB, matter of fact...I know I would.

It's almost like they're not seeing the WH who is so evident to you. It's almost like God is protecting them from this pain. Hiding the evil that is there.

I imagine it does feel like a betrayal.

But you know that it is good that they maintain a relationship with him. It does not mean they love you less, or choose him over you. I think they might just be holding on as tight as possible. They are afraid.

SMB, when whatever happens, happens...you will be able to look them in the eye and tell them that you fought as hard as you could to keep your family together. And unless WH does a 180, he won't ever be able to say this.

It'll be his failure, and they will come to recognize it, and they will forever be grateful that you tried so hard for them.


(((((((((SMB))))))))))

SMB,

My heart aches for you and your situation.

I am curious, for your sake are you on AD's? If not you should consider seeing your doctor and go on them. They will help a little.

I sincerely hope your WH wakes up soon and can see how big of a jerk he is being.

LC

Smb... I thought about your situation a lot last night. I too have felt the sting of rejection in the past regarding my son's relationship with his mom.
It wasn't until I realized that he was just trying to hold on to something that he wants to believe in...wants to trust and wants to love that I accepted it for what it was...he was scared. I wonder if your kids feel the same way...they might feel that if we just show dad love and that we need him...he will come home. No matter what kids may hear from their parents, often times they have a way of blaming themselves for the trouble in a marriage.
I would say that it is very important that your kids have a full understanding of exactly what your H is doing. I also think that if you have not done so, that you make it clear that the type of behavior being displayed by your H is immoral and flat out wrong...always. Teach your kids what is right because your H certainly isn't going to do it.

The other thing to remember right now is that your H can come across as "Disney World Dad." He isn't the one there taking care of them...having to discipline them...telling them to do their homework, etc. He is an a-hole that is taking advantage of you and your kids...and EVENTUALLY your children will see that.

I would suggest limiting the children's exposure to your very emotional (and very understandable) reactions to these trauma's. Your kids are supposed to be kids and they are not here to take care of parents on a regular basis...at least not at this age. You have been doing a great job with your kids...so stop being hard on yourself. Your H has brought this drama to your and their lives. You are the stable force and the one they can depend on. That will show itself in time. Your H will one day look back and wonder when it was that he lost his kids..because he will lose them...children can have very good memories about the "very bad" memories...the likes of which your H has visited upon their lives.

You, SMB...are your children's hero. Do NOT forget that.

All of my kids have the knowledge that daddy has a girlfriend and has CHOSEN to leave our home. I have also told them that sin is still sin, no matter who does it. I have told them that God wants us to love daddy, and hate the sin he has chosen to live in (or hate what he is doing).

The older two, just because of their age, understand more about what that means, of course. But the younger ones get more than I probably realize. My 9yos asked me if daddy had sex with OW. In our homeschool, I use a series of age-appropriate books called, "God's Design for Sex". From what we had read together, this question would be a very logical one. My response to him was, "That's a question to ask your daddy." Not that he would tell the truth...how could he without being convicted by it.

It is funny you mention the DW Dad. The first time H left, he even said to me, "I don't want to be a DW Dad." Yet, everytime he saw them he had candy or a toy for them or clothes for my D. He always had something for each of them. And when he moved back home, he kept up with bringing candy to them practically everyday! May not sound like a big deal, but up until recently my kids rarely had candy. It was always an occasional treat. I cook from scratch using whole grains and natural sugars, and we often eat organic. One of my boys tested allergic to sugar, among many other things. So for years, we did NO candy.

He told my younger boys that at daddy's new house, they can have paint ball guns. Mom had told them just months ago that it would be a LONG time before they were old enough to have something like that. Oh, and dad has two awesome sledding hills they say. What are the odds that they will be with daddy on a day in snows (snow comes and goes around here)?

I know what he is doing, even if he doesn't.

Thank you for sharing that you, too, had some struggles with this. I feel like a terrible mom when I feel that way about it.

I know my kids have and will wonder what they did wrong. No matter how many times we both tell them it isn't about them. My 9yos said to me the first time H left, "If I just would've listened more." Broke my heart!

When I tell my daughter that Daddy loves her and wants to be a part of her life, she says, "Yeah right, if that were true, he'd be here." What in the world do you say to that?!

I guess it is just a continued opportunity to explain how quickly sin can get a foothold into our hearts and blind us from what is right and good and important.

My 11 yos even said to me, "It's like daddy is blind and can't see what he is doing." What wise insight!

I thank you with all my heart for this.

I always hesitate to say something like this here on MB because I never want to come across as "flirting" with a poster....
but... I can tell you that it is a very attractive quality when I see a mother that is willing to stand up for her kids in the face of adversity. Even though your H will most likely never get his head out of his rump...you will, eventually...be quite a catch for a man that is looking for a "real" woman. NEVER let this sad excuse for a "man" define YOU in any way.

Have a nice day and find grace in the small things throughout the day...sometimes when we are in the midst of drama, it is hard to notice all the blessings that are afforded each of us every single day. Today...take notice of His wonders.

Thank you MEDC.

I see there is a soft side to you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You better keep that under wraps or you'll jeopardize your reputation around here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

yes, please keep it under wraps.

gig's up...I'm tellin'