His sponsor died about 5 years ago. This was the same sponsor he had from the very beginning.

No, he doesn't have any close buds anymore. But his dad is active in AA. They went through treatment at the same time.

SMB,

I was thinking the same thing and wondering if you were trying to come up with anything that would make his behavior make sense. Perhaps even grasping at straws, so to speak, as to why he is doing this.

Remember you can't apply rational thinking to irrational behavior.

Like MEDC I am not trying to be harsh, but this is what came to my mind when I read your post.

LC

To find a reason for the A is not why I bring this up, although I certainly understand your asking and welcome your checking my motives. I am more concerned about what his drinking/drug use would mean for my children. He left that way of life 25 years ago. If he were to slip, this would GREATLY effect my children and his ability to parent them in a safe way. It seems that I would be neglectful if I didn't at least consider this possibility.

If he were using, it would be heartbreaking for me. I don't want to have the father of my children (not to mention the man I have loved for 24 years) using.

But, when I am really honest, there is a part of me that does grasp onto the idea that his drinking could almost make the A make some sense.

The truth is, I don't THINK he is using and I hope and pray he is not. But I have to consider the possibility. My whole world is upside down. All that I thought was not possible has become my reality. So I would be foolish to think him immune to going back out and using.

SMB...since the courts are very concerned about the children in custody cases, be sure to ask for drug/alcohol testing. It could very much impact his eventual time with the children. I hope for all of your sakes that he is not using again.

BTW... take a moment today to notice all of God's wonders. And be proud of you...you are a strong and wonderful mother.

MEDC,

I will talk with lawyer about this issue.

Thanks for the encouragement. It is a tough weekend, as I miss my children.

I am realizing that I am not taking good enough care of myself. I have to put more effort into eating. This past week I have been very weak. I bought some scales and am down to 103 lbs.

This morning I have been thinking more about this and feeling very convicted. I will start taking vitamins again, drinking more water, and eating small meals several times a day (that's how I usually eat). I will be sure to go outside everyday for some sunshine, and take walks throughout the week.

It's time to take control of the things I can. I will not allow him that kind of power over my life. And I will not give him any ammunition when it comes to custody.

I went to the divorce support group last night at church. It was a good place to be. They work through a video program (not sure I agree with all that I heard in it, but that's OK). The sharing and fellowship was wonderful. To meet face to face with others dealing with this pain was comforting. A good portion of those there are dealing with infidelity and are hoping to reconcile.

I'm on a roll...

I drank a strawberry yogurt smoothie about 2 hours ago. Now I just had 2 pieces of whole wheat toast with peanut butter and a big glass of water.

Now I'm going to go take my vitamins.

I also just painted the 2nd coat on our bathroom (part of the remodeling we've been doing). It looks soooo good in there. I LOVE decorating!

Now if I could JUST HAVE MY D*MN KITCHEN BACK! It has been down to the studs for about 4 weeks now. I have no stove top or oven. This is driving me insane! And H says it's still a few weeks away. I really miss cooking; and my kids keep saying, "Mommy, I miss your HOMEMADE spaghetti. I miss your bread roll. I miss your fettucini alfredo & chicken." It is good to be appreciated. We'll all appreciate the new kitchen and some good cookin'.

SMB

I'm glad you have realized that you MUST take care of YOURSELF, both mentally and physically. At 103, you REALLY need to eat, you don't have any reserves <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I don't know that I've ever had a yogurt smoothie. They seem to be the in thing now, or were they always?

My garage frig went bad this week and just that is driving me nuts. I would be going wacko if it were my entire kitchen!

Hang in there. Enjoy the take out if you can. Yes it's not near as good for you, but it can be fun.

Keep rollin'

Lunch:

Egg salad & cheese on whole wheat bread
carrot sticks & ranch dressing
Milk


We have been doing take out and pizza delivery so much, we are all sick of it.

Time to do some crockpot meals. We have grilled out some. I had to teach myself how as that was always H's job.

I've been praying today:

I surrender my will. Your will be done with my family. You know much more than I and you know the plans you have for me. So, your will be done.

Please help me make wise financial decisions.

Help me to take care of my needs and heal my body, heart, and spirit.

Show me the beauty before me every day.



I feel strength rising in me. Our worship these last several weeks we have been singing:

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord. It has brought me to tears every week. This week, I claim that strength.

Hi SMB,


Still praying for you. Glad you're feeling God's strength rising up in you. Together, you can do this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ace

My kids are home now, and a couple of them are just falling apart. This is so sad.

I was tucking my 9yos in and we talked for awhile. Then he tells me that daddy got mad and yelled at them and said bad words. Then he tells me, with his little chin quivering and crocodile tears in his eyes, that daddy called him a brat.

WTH is going on! We NEVER used bad language around our children. This year he has been swearing in front of them AT THEM. My son's heart was broken that his daddy called him a brat.

My daughter has been extremely emotional since she came home. She can't find something she needs for tomorrow and she just broke down sobbing and said she hates her life and wished she would just die.

What has happened to my family?! I don't know if I can get them through this.

I prayed with each of them, thanking God that he is the our perfect Heavenly Father.

Oh Lord, here my cry, please make up where I fall short.

I am headed to bed. My daughter and my 7 yos are sleeping with me tonight.

SMB

My heart goes out to you and your children. Reassure them that you love them and that you will get through this together. Do whatever you can to share your strength with them. Then you keep coming here and we will build you up.

You are good...you are strong. You will see your family through this.

Praying for you now.

SMB...I am going to talk to you as a dad and someone that only has your best interests at heart.
Do you have a custody agreement with your H in place???? If the answer to that question is "yes" I would seek to have it modified with an emergency petition immediately. You have younger children broken down from his verbal assaults and an older one saying she wished she was dead.
THIS NEEDS TO END HERE AND NOW.
It is time for you to go into Momma Bear mode and fight like ****** to make sure that...
your H is sober before he sees those kids again.
you get the kids into a family counselor immediately...they need to talk to someone and you need to get this stuff into some sort of official record.


I would also file for divorce if you have not done so. I know ...it isn't MB advice...but frankly, this man is NOT marriage material and IF he ever was...that was long ago. Time to drop this anchor and get on with your life.

Look, bottom line is...your kids are suffering at the hands of a man that MAY BE in the throes of an active addiction to alcohol/drugs. But we DO KNOW that he is in an active addictive relationship and that he is displaying behaviors that are harmful to your children. He should get nothing more than supervised visitation at this point until such a time as he gets counseling and proves he is sober.

I am sorry for what you are going through. The best way to feel better about this is to start doing something about it. YOU take control and make sure your kids are safe and cared for properly. Screw the kitchen. Let your H know that he is not to enter your home again. Hire contractors and get your life back to normal....get a bull dog attorney and sick loose the dogs of war. It's time.

MEDC,

Thank you for your directness (never thought I'd say that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />)

We have no legal agreement at all. When I discussed it with lawyer a few weeks back, he advised doing nothing. Here is why. The county I live in is not "friendly" to moms in regards to alimony or child support. We need H to establish residency in a different county. The county he just moved to is MUCH better to moms, according to my lawyer. But H has to live there 3 months before we can file anything there. So we are basically stalling, waiting for the three months to pass.

If I file for separation (which lawyer says is the identical process to dissolution here, except the final outcome), I am sure H will turn around and file for dissolution. He has already told me he will not sign a separation, he is not interested in that.

So even if I want to proceed with D, I need to wait a little over 2 months to do anything. We are hoping that H continues to think that we are working on dissolution, and does not file on his own.

There will be no dissolution. H owns his own business and it is already apparent that he is hiding assets. It will be an ugly divorce. I know how he will respond to request for drug test, request for full custody, and the digging into business records that will take place. At this point, I could even see him becoming physical. It's hard to believe it, as he has never raise a hand to me. But I know he's got it in him. And with the changes I have seen, I know that ANYTHING is possible...anything.

I am documenting all that is happening.

My daughter saw a C last week, and will continue. My 9yos goes tomorrow. And I will eventually work them all in. She a great C, HIGHLY recommended by a close friend, and very affordable as she does this as a ministry.

I am open to any suggestions on all of this.

At least my children are seeing the "change" in him that I have seen.

There is more to post about some other disclosures from my children about their weekend with dad. I will post more later. Right now I am headed to my C appointment.

To back up MEDC and on an even shorter note. This POS has no one to blame except himself for his tribulations he now faces. It's not your fault or the children's fault that he has made these choices. Take no crap from this "man", none, nada....Make it clear from the beginning that this is a fight that he will wish he had never gotten involved in if it goes this route. Protect those children. That is your responsibility.

Well, it's later, so I am posting more.

More disclosures:

17 yos took 11yos to church on Sun. morning. 7 yos told dad he wanted to go to church and asked dad if he could go to. Dad told him, "He doesn't get that choice." Of course, dad isn't going to church.

9 yos says dad told him that mommy & daddy have not been getting along for years. Could have fooled me! All I heard from H EVER was what a wonderful wife and mother I was and how blessed he was to have me. I have a love letter from just a few years ago from him, and several notes that he would leave around the house for me over the last 5 years. But, ooohhhhh, we weren't getting alonnnggg. Give me a freakin' break!

Daughter said dad sat them all down and read them some book like, "Mom's house, Dad's house." She said he just kept lying about things and that she kept asking questions about the truth and he kept lying. She says she doesn't want to go back.

His lies will never end. He is so fogged out, he actually believes this bullcrap.

The more my own fog clears, the more I don't think I could go back to this marriage. I am beginning to look forward to it being over. Even if he becomes all that I want, this baggage is sooooo big. I want a marriage without all this mess. I want a man who would NEVER DREAM OF cheating on me; a man who appreciates the woman I am, not the one I exhaust myself being while in Plan A. I want a DECENT, LOVING man. Actually, I don't want a man at all right now. But I know I will one day.

Just checking in.

I am doing well today. I like him gone. I like who I am. I look in the mirror and feel good about myself and where I am headed. If he decides to catch up, then he'll have quite a bit of running. Right now, I am planning to leave him in the dust, because I am done sitting in the dust.

I believe it is in my best interest to do nothing legally while we wait for the 3 months to pass. After that, I will decide what to do legally from there. But as far as emotionally, socially, and spiritually, I am moving on. I don't really care what he finds atractive at this point; I don't really care to Plan A in the least; I don't even care when he spends his nights anymore because when I look at him I don't feel much at all except pity.

Yes, my mind will "go there" sometimes I am sure. Those thoughts will haunt me sometimes. But when I SEE him, I don't long for him anymore.

I have recently been told that a few people have said that "Yes, H is doing the wrong thing, but we don't really know what BS was like at home." That hurt, and I have wrestled with my pride on this. My reputation as a wife, mother, friend, Christian, put-together woman has always been a very positive one. I don't like that being questioned. I don't like others thinking that maybe I wasn't what I appeared to be. I don't like people suspecting I didn't "please" my husband. I know that we were considered a great family. We are both attractive (OK, he's not looking so anymore IMO), intelligent, physically fit, successful in our own arenas, and seemed to have it all.

This is all pride that I have to let go of. I know who I am; God knows who I am. Nothing else really matters. His choice to give himself physically and emotionally isn't about me...it's his unresolved issues from long ago that led him to feel miserable and choose to get his fix from OW, just as he used to from his drugs/alcohol. I have to refuse to let my mind care what anyone else thinks about me and my role as his wife. There will always be someone who hears his twisted story and believes it. But I need not waste any emotional energy on them. They should mean nothing to me.

This is his mess, and I am cleaning it off of me.

Yes...I've had this same thing happen. Lots of people have this mentality that if someone is not "happy" in a marriage, then he or she has the "right" to make themselves happy either through cheating, leaving, or whatever. They look at the BS as somehow responsible for causing that unhappiness and therefore responsible for the behaviors of the WS in response to that unhappiness. This, obviously, is not the case.

No marriage is perfect, but people who put in their 2 cents worth of judgmental comments toward the BS without knowing the full story are just plain rude.

I'm sure that you, like me, were not made aware of the fact that your WH was feeling anything out of the ordinary. Or if there were signs that our WH's were experiencing problems, they never cared to take the time to share their feelings or to work on the marriage. Instead, they chose to engage in an immoral relationship because it made THEM feel good. It's nothing more than total selfishness, pure and simple.

The A is a quick fix to cover up the real issues. In the end, it won't solve the problems they ran from, it will just create new ones. I only hope our WHs can figure that out before it's too late.

Sorry I had to laugh at that.



Are you unemotional when you say that? Or is that anger?
See if you're indifferent at this point, you are losing your love for him. And That is what plan B helps to prevent.

I know the remodeling thing is going on, but I don't think your Plan B should wait any longer. I was hoping you could hang on, but I'm not seeing the benefit. I think you feel it and it's real evident right here. You are losing your love for him.

It's time to make a move SMB. And I know you're thinking to yourself why bother? My answer is....just in case.

And as far as other people and what they think...it doesn't matter. Society is so screwed up in its thinking about infidelity. If a spouse cheats it's because of something the other did or didn't do. Baloney. Unfortunately we know the truth about that.

SMB, you are fighting the good fight. It's his shame not yours.