LC,

No, I am not on ADs; and don't plan to be. I respect those that choose that approach to get through the trauma of this. I would prefer to embrace the deep feelings I am having, process them, and put them behind me one day. When dealing with the miscarriage of a very wanted baby 10 years ago, that was my approach. There were some really tough, hurting days, but I believe I was better off working through it all without meds. This rollercoaster of emotions is a horrific ride, but I believe it to be a necessary one for me to fully recover from this trauma.

I recognize that there may be times that meds can be helpful. But I also believe that I am feeling exactly what is appropriate to feel considering what is happening, and that I will get through it more thoroughly and more quickly if I allow myself to feel those feelings to their full extent. That's one reason I am so grateful for a place like this to express these feelings and process them.


I know most people will not agree with that. Please understand that I am in NO WAY criticizing others who choose ADs.

I do use a homeopathic remedy that deals with grief. However, my kids and I are probably due for another dose. Thanks for your post, which reminded me to do this.

I do..and I sold Zoloft when I worked for Pfizer.

My D had her first counseling session yesterday. It went really well. She felt very comfortable and opened up.

D told me she was talking about how she feels when someone is hurting, and C told D that D had just described D's spiritual gift--mercy. When D was telling me this, she was beaming. What a positive way to help D understand her feelings and to appreciate the way God designed her. She gave D the assignment to journal. She already has a prayer journal for prayers, Bible verses, and conversations with God. And she has a diary where she writes about her day. But C told her this journal is where she writes what she FEELS. She told her she doesn't care if it is written properly or spelled correctly. She said she doesn't even care if she just scribbles in it if that's what she needs to do. C told me D will bring it every week and read those feelings aloud so that she can verbally express them. I thought this was a great idea.

I think this C may be a really good thing for my family. 9yos sees her next week. He has always been a highly emotionally charged kid. He was the one raging the first time H left.

SMB,

I do not condemn AD's but chose NOT to take them either.....nearly gave in when I started to kiss the concrete barrier, but H changed. If he had not, I might have needed them.

MEDC is right in focusing you on your children's need for you to be stong. You are the light and you've given them this solid foundation, which (like MEDC said) they are struggling to retain.

Stay strong. God hates the sin as much as you do, but like you, he still loves the sinner. At times I despise that truth because it sounds so cliche....but often it's the only thing we have to cling to.

I'll keep praying for you, too, SMB. You can do this.

Ace

RE: MEDC...who is this guy? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> LOL busted!!!!!!

Michele,

Now shush! These boards won't ever be the same if MEDC's secret gets out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />


MEDC,

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

yes...please...what would Justuss have to do with her time?
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I guess I better catch up on this thread.

Very odd conversation with my boys that I want to share. Just gives me some insight into how deep goes the need for a mommy and a daddy under one roof.

My 9 yos starts talking about one day when we have a new daddy. I tell him I am not planning on a new daddy right now, and if that were to ever happen it would be quite awhile from now. He says, "I know, but one day we'll have a new daddy won't we mommy?" in a hopeful voice. I was caught off guard by what I thought I heard in his voice (hopefulness). I was expecting that the idea of a new daddy would be horrific for my kids. I ask DS if he wants a step daddy someday and he says yes. I ask why. Now get this. He says, "So someone will be here to tickle me and wrestle with me and just be with me everyday." I think I felt mostly sad about this; about what they are missing out on because their daddy chose to leave. This from my son who just recently told me that he will NEVER have another mommy; that I am the only one.

I told him that if mommy ever found anyone I felt I would consider in that way, that hi might feel differently then and that he can talk to me about how he feels then, too.

I told him mommy was still hoping daddy will come home. (Not sure how true that is anymore). I am at a point of realizing that I can never go back. My life will never be the same. I felt so blessed all these years to have a devoted, loving husband and to have a houseful of children. I used to tell my kids that my theme song was Martina McBride's "I am so Blessed". Then when all this happened, I switched to Martina's "Anyway". If you aren't familiar with these songs, its worth doing a search and reading the lyrics. They are beautiful.

I can't imagine what could be better than what I thought I was living...other than the real thing...it sure felt like the real thing...

H will be here in an hour to pick up my kids. They are all going this weekend. I am happy that D has decided on her own to go, in HER own time.

But I am feeling sad to be without them. It hit me as I packed my little boys things. I remember packing them to go on a few weekend getaways with daddy before A, and it was a sweet time, with excitement and anticipation. But this, well, it's hard to see them go. I am angry and so hurt that H has done this to the awesome family he had been given. He just tossed us aside. WE are what really matter. I still cannot comprehend how someone can walk out on their family...a family that LOVED them deeply, a family that laughed together, and cried together, and played together, and seemed to really be bonded together and held together by God.

I have many projects that I can occupy myself with...just organizing and cleaning. Sat. night our church has a separation/divorce support group that I may go to.

But it will be so quiet... I don't have quiet around here often.

My 7 yos has been really missing his daddy. Yesterday he crawled into his daddy's old closet and sat for a very long time. I eventually crawled in with him and ask what was bothering him. He was quiet for a while and then asked, "Do you really want to know?" I said, "Oh, yes, I do." He said (these are his exact words), "Every single day, all day long, I miss daddy." I said, "I do, too."

He called his daddy three times that day.

Today we went on a field trip. He just wasn't himself.

SMB,

Your post makes me want to cry! I understand how you feel. When my WH takes my DS for visits now, unless I go somewhere or get around my family, I feel very lonely too. Even though he's only gone for an hour and a half, it is hard. I am NOT looking forward to the time when my DS spends the night with my WH. I will probably cry a lot then too.

And it's true. WS's who leave the families who cared for them don't appreciate the love they had. But maybe with time, God will show them what they threw away.

I have been reminded more than a few times over the last two and a half months that God is like a Husband to the abandoned and a Father to the fatherless. He stands in the place that your WH left empty.

It may help to remind your son that he has a Father in Heaven Who loves him and is ALWAYS there for him to talk to whenever he needs it.

I have had to keep that thought on my mind daily during the times when I miss my old H. It really has been a comfort for me.

How goes the weekend, SMB?



The MB boards get quiet on the weekend, too. Hope you attend(ed) the support group. If so, how did that go? (Sorry, can't remember if it's Fri. or Sat.)

You seem to be one classy lady and you have amazing children. I can't help thinking that WH will wake up soon. I just hope it's not too late.

Still praying for you.

Ace

Hi Ace,

It's good to hear from you. The support group is Sat. I am planning on going.

Last night, I curled up on the couch and vegged out in front of TV. I kept thinking of all these projects I could get started on, but I was exhausted. I decided I was allowed to lay around for one evening. That's it, though.

Thanks for the compliment. And yes, my kids are AMAZING!

I really don't think H will wake up soon. I expect it will be years down the road, instead. I think he thinks he has the girl (OW) he's always wanted (she was a teenage GF); and it's going to take a long time for him to realize he HAD the family he always wanted.

Since I still don't know the truth...how long the affair truly has been, I keep bouncing from one school of thought to the other. If it's really only been a year or less of involvement, with thoughts of her off and on over the years, that's one thing. But if they have been INVOLVED for years off and on, that's a whole different ball game in my book.

Some bits and pieces seem to point to the idea that AT LEAST the last 5 years or so he may have been tangled with her. I can't live with that, mostly because that means he would have been deceiving me way to well to ever trust him again. This year, he was so wacked out, it was easy to see something was going on.

Does that make any sense? For me, it boils down to how well can he deceive me (the person he's closest to) and everyone around him. EVERYONE (myself, kids, friends, family) thought we had it all--love, respect, admiration, romance, commitment--we were a life couple. If he can deceive to that measure for years, then I need to turn and RUN. But IF he was truly the man he APPEARED to be, then I want HIM back. I'll love THAT man forever.

Hi SMB,


It was a shock to me on D-Day #1 that WH also revealed he had started an EA 6 years before that he successfully concealed from me. But we were detached, not totally seemingly connected like you and your H.

Be careful, however, in saying NEVER. He has made horrible choices but the REAL MAN could still be in there buried in the heavy fog.

I started a new thread to help Newbies find success stories easier. I discovered that RIF's wife has had 9 affairs and did not reveal any of them until she had a nervous breakdown over 10 years later. They then discovered she was bi-polar (bonafide illness possibly causing bad choices) and now that she's been on meds, they have been in recovery for a years now.

RIF's story is on the 30-40-50-60 Something Friends Fun Thread, which I started on the Recovery Forum to give us an MB respite place to look at things a little lighter. Check it out and join us when you can.

You're doing great, SMB, and it's natural to give up hope when all the evidence seems so damning.....but God is still God and He can still work miracles if we're patient.

Focus on you and your amazing children and let God deal with WH. But never say NEVER when God is involved.

Ace

Hi SMB, My XWH had an old flame chasing afte him for a good long while. He was done with her within 3 months.

The Author Nancy kalish who did the lost love articles a few years back originally stated a very high success rate
for marriages of lost lovers.

She recently amended her stats to a 74 % failure rate when those marriages rose out of adultery.

I hope this sweetheart has a good job, CS on FIVE kids, wow!

For those with drug & alcohol addiction knowledge...

When H was 17, he went through treatment. He has been clean & sober for 25 years this Oct. He was VERY active in AA for about 15 years. In fact, it was as if his meetings were written in stone. It got to the point where I stopped asking him about doing anything we may have been invited to on those evenings, because I already knew he would not be willing to miss a meeting. I remember him going even when I was sick and had spent the day caring for our young children.

Over the last 10 years, he became uninvolved in AA and only attended an occasional meeting. We because Christians 13 years ago. As he pulled out of AA, he became more involved in chuch (Promise Keepers, committess, etc.) After about 5 or so years of that, he seemed burnt out and pulled out of all church extra activities. Then he started saying the church was so full of co-dependents; lots of sick, dysfunctional people (no duh! we ALL have issues--that's what makes grace so wonderful!). Anyway, as he pulled out of church more (still attended every Sun. & read Bible daily), our family started martial arts. It started as something for our kids and him to do together. However, he ended up studying a different art them kids at the same school. So classes were at different times. So instead of this being something that drew them together, it became something that sucked more time from them/us. Anyway...over the last few years, as he became a black belt, then teacher, then degreed black belt, martial arts became a whole lot more about him and not the kids.

Well, since this A mess has come out, I have had multiple people ask me if H is using. My first response was, "No way." I felt that I would be able to tell. I knew him when he used, but he has been sober throughout our entire relationship. But as more and more people have asked me, I am beginning to really wonder. I did ask him about it early on, just to be sure. He said, "No, and I can't believe you had to ask." I responded with, "I can't believe you would think I wouldn't ask."

He has lost a bunch of weight. He is 6'2" and was a 34" waist for the last several years (biggest he's ever been). Well, he went down to a 32" and now I notice those are baggy on him. I assumed the stress was causing the weight loss. But with all the bad choices he is making and with the way he has turned from all his personal convictions and beliefs, well...I am wondering.

Any thoughts? If he is, I would have no idea how to find out.

I know when he left in June, he started going to some meetings, I think to make himself look good in court if anything ever came up.

I will mention my thoughts to my lawyer.

Sobriety has been such a part of his life, I really can't imagine him going back to using. But then, I couldn't imagine him having an A and leaving his family either.

I realize that if he is using, that is a whole different can of worms. We attended open AA together for years. I attended some Al-anon, too. So, I am not ignorant to what this all would mean.

Also, if he isn't using, I would think that the way he is choosing to live, would DRIVE HIM BACK TO IT EVENTUALLY.

He is OBVIOUSLY not working any program, and hasn't been for some time. I would expect that a genuine personal inventory and amends would break him.

my first question SMB is why are you concerning yourself with this right now. unless you feel he is a danger to your children...his sobriety right now really is his problem. If you are asking this out of concern for the children...talk to your lawyer to see if you can get drug/alcohol testing. Other than that, the size of your H's waist or pants should be of no concern to you right now...IMO. You have enough on your own plate to worry about without speculating about your WH's actions.

I hope that doesn't come across as harsh...it isn't meant to be...just stay focused on you and the kids...nothing else.

I appreciate you view, MEDC. And I do ask out of concern for my kids. It is hard for me to fathom that he would be using, but I am not sure that I can ignore the possibility. I dismissed the idea quickly in the beginning, as if him telling me he is not using was enough.

But so many people have asked me since then, that I have reconsidered the idea, only to realize that I have no reason to dismiss the idea quickly.

But you are right to keep reminding me to stay focused on me and the kids. I know that I will become distracted at times, especially as I still so want an ANSWER to how this
can be happening to MY family!!!! Yes, I know, I will probably never get any answer that will make sense to me. I know, too, that he will try to distract me from being all that I can be.

So, feel free to tell me often where my focus needs to be.

SMB, I would certainly keep your eyes peeled for any drinking, but I think you would KNOW pretty quickly if he was. If he starts back drinking again, he will go down pretty fast because he won't pick up where he left off, but where he would have been had he drank all this time.

But you are right that his activities have the potential to lead him back to drink because if he allows himself to be bad in one area of his life, pretty soon other areas will follow. I can see how he could easily talk himself into drinking again if he can talk himself into having an affair. That is no leap at all.

Many waywards use alcohol to drown out their screaming conscience. And of course, he would avoid meetings because he could not tell them he was acting so sleazy. You cant hardly hide anything from those cats!

Does he have a sponsor in AA? Any close AA buds?