Yes, Michele, I lack any emotion when I say that. And as I typed that earlier, I even thought to myself that I have lost my love for him. Perhaps I should have Plan B'd him. Right now I just want to Plan I-don't-want-you-or-need-you.

I just got back from the soccer field. He was there, and I felt nothing. No hurt, no anger, no attraction, no I-wish-it-were-different. He is just another guy sitting in the stands who happens to be the man my kids call daddy. I am indifferent to him. He has gotten what he wanted. One day, his heart will break that he got it. That will be about the time that my heart's pieces are all put back together.

Perhaps this is just another rough ride on the emotional roller coaster and tomorrow I'll be bawling my eyes out. But that is not how it feels. It feels more like I have processed some of this grief and am getting through it bit by bit, and am able to put some (obviously not all for a long time) of this behind me.

You are right. This is EXACTLY how I feel. I'm not convinced that "just in case" is worth the risk of letting this man back into my life. I think he is too great a risk. You see, even the man he used to be is probably not willing to do what is necessary, what I will require, what I need.

Thank you, Michele, for continuing to follow this ridiculous drama that has become my life. I value your insight.

Michele,

How do you do those links in your sig line? I would like to put my own My Story Part 1 and Part 2 in my sig line, but don't know how to do it.

SMB,

Type
then paste the page
then add

see if that does the trick


(((SMB)))) Just thought you could use one.

SMB - you asked about a list.

The basis for the list was everything I needed to live fully independent of my husband.

I started with categories:
Finances
Housing
Household Items
Tools
Psychological and Spiritual resources

Then I started defining elements of each category

For example:
Finances -
Task 1: Update resume
Task 2: Circulate resume to ten prospective employers
Task 3: Inventory skills and review areas where I can upgrade one area - study, certify, etc. (this task took 18 months)

Household items: (a new hope chest)
Task 1: While shopping for regular needs (groceries, etc), purchase 1 household item and store away for future use

I hope this helps.

Here's what it looks like:

[url=http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/showflat.php?Cat=0&Number=3260270&page=0&fpart=1&vc=1&nt=34]My Story Part 1[\url]


I can't get rid of the long url and just have the title.

the last slash [\url] is wrong
it's the other way /

Wooohoooo!

I did it.

Thanks Michele.

Thank you, yes, it does help me get started. Actually, as I make my list, I see that I have already been working in this direction over the last few months.

I just started my list. Here's what I have:

FINANCES
*Money Map software from Crown Ministries (already purchased this; still need to set it up)
*set up personal checking account (done)
* get personal credit card (done)
*child support (I will continue to stay at home & homeschool)
*alimony/lump sum??(don't know what to expect)
*medical care (H covers all right now) I will check into my own single plan. If I negotiate it into settlement, H still has control
*nest egg for emergencies (include in budget on software)
*investments for future (include in budget on software)--need to find someone I trust to advise
*income from home ideas (lawyer says NOT to do this right now as it will influence my settlement)
-freelance writing
-typing from home (I type close to 100 wpm, am well versed in Word & Excel)
-editing from home
-learn Power Point and Publisher programs

HOUSING
*find other sources to complete remodeling (members of church have volunteered to help)
*list projects that need completed & items needing purchased & get estimates
*consider having house signed over to me in divorce (I can afford the payments; cannot afford to buy him out)
*look into moving

VEHICLE
*find place for repairs/maintenance (H did this through his business)
*check into different insurance packages (H business takes care of this now)

HOUSEHOLD
*don't think there is much I need in this area; but will continue to think it through

TOOLS
*list what I need on hand (basic tool box, cordless drill)
*look through tools in garage for duplicates and to make list

PSYCHOLOGICAL/SPIRITUAL RESOURCES
*church (am connected)
*Divorce Care group at church (have joined already)
*counseling (have been going since May)
*small group from church (have returned to the group
*Bible study
*Prayer support (have had prayer warriors on this since April)

SOCIAL
*friends
*family (only my parents)

DIVORCE
*lawyer (hired and have consulted)
*PI (hired and consulted)
*continue to search for documents & forward to lawyer
*continue to monitor finances & make records
*purchase planner & log all conversations & pertinent info
*purchase recorder
*get books about divorce & learn all I can (went to library & have begun reading)

I have also made a list of my expectations if H ever expresses desire to return to this marriage. I don't anticipate his return, and I don't anticipate his willingness to do all that I have listed if he did want to return. This list will help me keep emotions in check if he ever tried to sweet talk me again. I don't want to be sucked into his twisted manipulation.

ATTITUDES:

1. total humility & remorse--falling face down emotionally before me and spiritually before God

2. complete self-sacrifice to make up for the hurt & betrayal

3. ownership of his choices--no blame shifting

4. Godly sorrow for the lifestyle he chose, for abandoning his family; not just sorrow about the consequences he finds uncomfortable

5. repentance--acknowledging that what he has done is sin against his family, friends and God. authentic turning from his sin


ACTIONS

1. apology to me for the affair and for the hurtful actions he did against me and our children

2. apology to our children for hurting them and abandoning them (if he refuses to admit abandonment, he's out)

3. individual, marriage, and family counseling with counselors I choose

4. accountability with 3 other men that I choose

5. attend our church & meet with minister

6. send NC letter

7. offer cell records from the past year & credit card statements

8. complete, radical honesty about our entire history together on my terms and my timeline

9. honesty w/ his parents; meeting w/ them and me together

10. 15+ hours weekly

11. pray w/ me daily

12. confess to accountability partners, family, & certain close friends

13. post nup agreement

14. EDITED TO ADD: polygraph to confirm complete, radical honesty


If he does all this, then I will know it is for real.

SMB,

You're not only strong and determined, YOU ARE ORGANIZED!

How do you feel today? Is Plan B on the horizon somewhere? Maybe? Possibly?

Just don't rule it out completely. Stay on your timeline if you can. Think about who could be your intermediary. And I do believe one is needed in Plan B.

This is generalities about what an intermediary does.

1. Passes along messages in a neutral, nonreactive way.

2. Acts as a filter. Gives you only the info that fits
in the boundaries that were set in Plan B letter.

3. Lets WS know that inappropriate stuff will not be passd
along. And refers WS back to Plan B letter.

4. Will let WS know that any attempt at direct
communication such as emails, phone calls, etc were/
will not be read or listened to. And will refer WS
back to them, the intermediary.

This is all to protect you from any unneccessary info that your WH may try to involve you in. It keeps you stable emotionally not having to deal with any drama from him.

Obviously, Plan B won't be the reason that your WH will D you and it won't be the reason he won't, but if he does return under your conditions(and BTW I think they are really well thought out) you will be in a place of emotional stability and your WH won't come back to a crazy lady. And if he doesn't come back, your personal recovery will be well on its way.

It's really a plan of personal recovery in my opinion and it allows for reconciliation because you protected what love remains for your WH.

Some people I have read about dread it, and some people can't wait for plan A to stop and plan B to begin. What I see though is that once they have gotten to plan B, they are more at peace.

I never had to go there, so I can't tell you things first hand. Hopefully when you get ready to go there, we'll pull some people over here to help.

So, enough about Plan B for now. Plan A still somewhat intact?

Hope you are having a better day.

Oops, forgot one...

Polygraph to confirm complete, radical honesty.

As I watch RLT's post and see her suffering, I am very leary of even considering recovery. That has helped me put on paper what I would have to have before even considering his return.

Michele,

As far as Plans, I don't know that I would say I am Plan Aing. I am maintaining as little contact as possible; and when there is contact is it to the point, non-emotional, non-relational. I discuss facts that are necessary and stay business-like. That was the advice of my counselor, and quite frankly, it lines up with what I can tolerate at this point. I will not do Plan A any further. His needs at this time in my life are irrelevant. I Plan A'd for months, while he continued to lie, deceive, manipulate, and cheat. I may possibly head toward Plan B when my 3 months waiting is over (waiting for him to live in the county he just moved to for 3 months, so that we can file in that county--much better place for alimony & CS). If I do Plan B before then, he will probably file immediately in the county I live in. Lawyer says filing in this county is our worst case scenario. I don't want to provoke him to file. As these next few months pass, kids extra curricular activities will be changing and he will be less involved. So it will make Plan B easier then.

My "Plan" at this point is really to head for my own personal recovery, and do nothing to recover our marriage. If he comes out of his fog, and is committed to everything I posted earlier about my requirements, then, and only then, will I work toward marital recovery. Right now, it's all about me.

I realize Plan B is all about me, as well. I just have to get through these three months to aid in my financial situation later.

Sounds like you've got your mind made up. And it still sounds like a plan.

My only suggestion is try not to engage in any arguments with WH. When discussing matters, be calm, and stable. That is still attractive.(I know you say you don't care) But.. And if nothing else, try not to LB.

Sounds like you are doing that already.

Thanks Michele. I have been staying calm and stable during conversations and have done no love busting. I'm just not going to actively do anything to "win him back". He'll have to come to that conclusion on his own.

Another list item - one file folder at a time - copied, locked away in a safety deposit box that only I know of it's existence.

File folders of tax records, income records, who's account made the payments, mortgage documents, retirement accounts, insurance policies.

Also - video tape/narrate all the furnishings in the house - serial numbers on tools, date purchased as recalled by memory - collectables like musical instruments, china, etc. right down to my scrapbooking, wedding album and sewing projects. Narrative would go something like - 12 dinner plates Noritaki China XXXX pattern; 12 matching saucers, 11 cups, 12 dessert plates.... you get the idea. (this should be done anyway because of fire insurance coverage on furnishings, so you can say that if your husband walks in on your taping project - this close to a divorce - not a good idea, even if he's dense but you could tell him you read on the web how insurance companies accept video documentation for replacement situations.)

Just one file folder each time I went out grocery shopping. Or.. Scan to a disk and store that at the safety deposit box.

Thanks KA. My lawyer has copies of tax documents, which H's lawyer supplied. I have been making copies of other documentation that might be pertinent and sending them to lawyer, as he suggested.

Unfortunately, there isn't much here at home. H owns his own business and I suspect anything of great relevance is at his workplace. He did take some old files that were in boxes. I had forgotten that they were in the attic. He went up there, took those boxes and a few other things (his huge, old beer can collection and old license plate collection).

I appreciate the suggestion to video tape the house room by room. I will get to that ASAP.

How odd it is to begin moving past this. I do still love my H, but I have come to realize that there is so much more to me than that. I can be content without him. I can wear the "D" title and still be an awesome Christian woman who has a lot to offer someone.

I saw him at the dojo tonight. Kids had come out of the changing room and were putting on their shoes. He had lingered around the parents waiting area for a while (dressed out for his class). He eventually sat down next to one of the boys (I was on the other side of that son). He hugged son and chatted. As we were leaving, I could feel him looking at me. It was as if he were trying to make eye contact. I had to this point not really acknowledged him. I didn't feel I needed to. I was visiting with friends and he, at this time, really doesn't rate my interrupting my conversations with friends. As I left I briefly allowed our eyes to me and threw him a quick smile, as he was smiling back at me.

I didn't get any big emotional pull like I use to. In the past, that would have tugged on me. I would have longed for him, or been angry with him, or missed him. I really didn't feel much at all.

This is a strange place in which to be. Perhaps it is just another wave through the steps of grief; and I'll find myself feeling those feelings on the next wave.

Even if that is so, I am learning that I can be content without him.

No matter which way it ends, you're going through your personal recovery...and you are doing great.

Strange place indeed.

(((((SMB)))))))

Thanks Michele. That is exactly how it feels. I got thrown into this mess because of his rotten choices. Now I have my own choices to make--stay in the mess or move out of it and recover. I choose to recover.