How was your weekend, SMB? Glad to hear you're focusing on your personal recovery. When WH saw that I was determined to make it on my own, he began to see me in a different light. That's when he woke up from his fog.

That could happen to your WH, too. But keep your efforts focused on you and your children....any de-fogging by him will be a bonus when/if it happens.

Ace

Hi Ace,

Things are going relatively well. However, H is trying to change our visitation weekends to accommodate his calendar. I just emailed my business-like response back. He won't be pleased. But the way I see it, I will not change my plans and readjust my schedule just to accommodate him.

The submissive wife is around when the H is leading his family in a Christ-like manner. That ain't happening, so the submissive wife is GONE!

I also recently addressed another boundary issue. He has been calling whenever it is convenient for him in the evening to "tuck the kids in." Oftentimes, it is after 9 p.m. when he calls, and he expects to talk to them. My youngest two go to bed at 8 p.m. In fact, it was my H who was so insistent on that bedtime when the older ones were young, so that we had some time alone. I told him Sunday that I would like him to call at 7:30 so that I can get them in bed at 8. He said he thought 7:30 was a little early. I said not when they need to be in bed by 8. He said, well you could encourage them to call me. So that's what I will be doing. I will incorporate the calls into the bedtime routine, so that I control when the happen. He will often not be available because he has his martial arts class twice a week until around 9. He never tucked them in on those nights when he lived here, so what's the big deal now?!

I will be turning off the ringer once the kids are in bed, so that they are not disturbed while trying to fall asleep.

How's that sound for a couple boundaries. I'm beginning to really like the feel of this.

Here is my email response to H:



I told ds11 that you will be taking him home with you tonight after his soccer game as you had requested. I am waiting to hear back from our homeschool group as to whether we are scheduled for Thursday or Friday morning's field trip. There are so many going that they are dividing us up into two groups. If we are scheduled for Thursday, Christian will need to be home early enough for us to get there on time.

At the soccer field you mentioned switching weekends for visitation because you want to take the kids to a tournament and because you will be traveling the week/weekend after that. Switching weekends really isn't going to work for me, as I have already made plans with the kids.

I asked the kids if they would prefer going to the tournament with you that weekend instead of the bon fire with our homeschool group, which we had already planned to attend. They all would prefer the bon fire. The only one unsure was Jonathan, who said that if no one was going with you, he would go with you so you won't be alone at the tournament. They are scheduled with me for that weekend, and I would like to keep it that way so I can take them to the bon fire. We've had this scheduled since the beginning of September, and these social activities are good for them.

Unfortunately, there are going to be scheduling conflicts between us. It just goes with divorce. This weekend the boys are missing something that they really wanted to attend because they will be with you. Sadly, it's just going to happen sometimes.

As for ds8 birthday, you are scheduled to have him on the evening of his birthday (Friday) and throughout that weekend. Since I will have him during the morning and day of his birthday, I don't really see a need to make any changes to the regular schedule.

You also asked for the kids on a Wednesday around your trip out of town. To which Wednesday are you referring? I don't mind either way, I just want to be able to schedule it in. ds17 and dd13 both have activities on Wednesdays, so don't plan on them.

You didn't mention anything about Thanksgiving in your message below. You've always worked on the Friday after, and the kids are scheduled with me that weekend. If you would like them on Thanksgiving Day, that is fine with me.

You also didn't mention Christmas. I was thinking I will keep them on Christmas Eve & Day and you will have them on New Year's Eve and Day. I know your mom always makes plans to celebrate Christmas on New Year's Day, and that is when your sister & family are most likely to come into town. With this arrangement, they'll be able to spend the entire day with you and your family. This will help us avoid so much running back and forth on the holidays. That just wouldn't be much fun for the kids. I might suggest that you make arrangements early for Christmas with your dad & Kathy, as their calendar seems to fill up so fast. Perhaps Dec. 15 or 16, since the kids are scheduled with you then. The kids and I will have lots going on in December with Christmas parties and activities and the gift making we always do.

I will email you later today when I know whether our field trip is Thursday or Friday.

If you remember, DD13 refused to go with H the first weekend he had kids. The 2nd time he had them, she went, but came home saying she wasn't ever going back until the courts forced her to. She's also been refusing to talk to him on the phone. I know this is killing him, as they were very close. But he sees it as her manipulating, instead of acknowledging that he has broken her heart and he has a lot of work to do to help her pick up the pieces...which begins with acknowledging her feelings and her RIGHT TO HAVE THEM!

So this weekend is H's turn with kids. He doesn't know yet that DD13 is planning on not going. She has appointment with counselor tomorrow, and I need to tell C DD's response to coming home last time.

H will be pi$$ed. All I got to say is Welcome to Divorce World, Baby! You're getting what you asked for.

One more thing. When H was requesting changing our weekends, one of the reasons what that he wanted to take them to a karate tournament. Well, we have plans for a homeschool co-op bon fire, which they all want to go to instead.

When H first mentioned he wanted kids to go to tournament, I told him I was pretty sure that was the date of our bon fire and that the kids were really looking forward to it. I told him I would discuss w/ kids and see which they preferred to do. He said he had already told them about tourney and they all wanted to go. I told him that I was sure they didn't realize it was the same day as bon fire. I told him I would talk with them & see what they wanted to do. His response was: I wasn't really planning on giving them much of a choice. They haven't been to a tourney in over a year. I said, "So. There's more to life than karate. I will talk with them. Just email your schedule change ideas."

Does he not get it. He doesn't get to override me. HE LEFT! And it DOES matter which they prefer to do. He has dictated to them long enough about karate.

SMB:

Good Work on enforcing YOUR boundries! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

His calling to "tuck the kids in" at his convenience is simply a not so subtle attempt to exert some "control" over you. It is good that you are not allowing this.

He now knows approximatly when the calls will be coming. He can CHOOSE to be there to receive them or not. Or he can RESPECTABLY request that COM call the DOJO on his practice nights. Again, he can CHOOSE to accept the calls or not. As you probably already know. Even if he is leading the class he can have one of his "Ranked" belts take over for a few min to take a phone call. Again it is his CHOICE.

It is sad that he has allowed his study of the Martial Arts to widen the divide. Mrs Field and I have been students of the Martal arts for over 25+ years studying various disaplines. Although progress through the belt ranks is individual, Mrs. Field and I have always striven to keep this as something the family does together, helping each other learn / advance. Martial Arts & our farm are family activities that we all do together.

Stay Strong!

Walking,

Martial arts was suppose to be something our family did together. And we searched to find a Christian organization and found a wonderful place to train. Unfortunately, H decided to become selfish and lost sight of our original goal. He was more interested in Aiki than Karate and so, after getting kids involved there, he never did take class with them. He chose to study Aiki, which added a night away from the family. So the kids ended up having class on T & TH and him on M & TH.

Over time, he has become obsessed with it all. Our kids are very good, in fact, our oldest is outstanding, and our DD is quite talented but lacks the same confidence as her older brother. They can both deliver a flawless kata, the older one just believes he can. Unfortunately, the better the kids got the more driven H became. To the point that the oldest two didn't even want to compete anymore. Driving 3-4 hours away for tournaments with a grumpy dad is no fun!

My kids all study Okinawan karate and weapons, H & DS17 do Aiki Jujitsu, and DD & I do Tai Chi. What do your family study? The original owner of our dojo was just incredible...very traditional, emphasizing respect, self-discipline, serving, and peace. The new owners have a different agenda and I am really stuggling with being there. The orginal owner teaches my class and 2 of my kids have an advanced class with him. We love him. But I am not sure what kind of role MA will take in our future. H is way to controlling about it all. We may have to pull out completely for a while.

Here is H's response to my email. I could use some wise insight into how to handle this.

Co-parenting is a tough job that will require “us” to discuss these activities & opportunities the kids have and agreeing upon what is good and wise “prior” to telling them and involving them in the process and prior to saying yes or no. I want us to discuss day to day activities that are available to them and agree upon who will take them and who will pick them up prior to their involvement in the discussions. I desire to know if one of them is injured, hurt or sick prior to going to a doctor/hospital (within reason) and agree upon appropriate action.

Up to this point I am being told what they are doing after the fact and I am being given no helpful information, you have not included me in any decision making. I feel like I am asking you for your permission all the time. I have been as sensitive as possible to your schedules, but at times I feel as though your desire is to take me out of my role as their father.

Hopefully we can remove scheduling conflicts by talking and working out details ahead of time.

Maybe a meeting once a month to coordinate our calendars over the course of the year would be a good start.



I have forwarded the email discussion to my lawyer and am waiting for his feedback. I also told him that I do not want to "co-parent" or have H involved an any day-to-day decisions.

Why in the he(( does H think he can be involved in the decisions about what kids do with me, but I don't have any say about what they do with him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> I have made it clear that I want them going to church. He refuses to take them, EVEN WHEN THEY ASK TO GO! He exposes them to vulgar music, inappropriate TV shows, and his own angry outbursts of swearing. All this is new to my children over the last year. THIS MAN SHOULD NOT HAVE ANY SAY ABOUT HOW I SPEND MY TIME WITH THEM!

I cannot wait for the rest of my 90 days to be up so that we can file in his county. I think I have about 54 days left. I am pretty sure I will be filing for D then. I want him out of my life as much as possible as soon as possible.

Any advice on how to deal with my scumbucket H between now and then.

SMB,

It looks like you are doing well with the boundaries with the kids schedules. I don't think there is is anything unreasonable with what you've arranged. Seems like you're looking out for their best interest and helping them transition through these difficult changes. Also, it appears you are trying to accommodate H in their lives in a way that is still healthy for them. He isn't going to be able to alter their schedules as he wants. The court will set specific times for visitation--no changes to accommodate his schedule.

As far as how to deal with H, utilize your atty as much as possible. Let him tell you what you need to say or do regarding your H and the kids. Do your best to filter any contact back through his office. That way he's informed and can prepare for H's next move.

Also, be prepared for the state to push co-parenting. Your atty is going to have to push against it. All 50 states have agreed to unified custody/cs laws. The guidelines depend on which set of juvenile laws your state uses.

Btw, most states have guidelines in place where *both* parents are expected to pay toward child support. Often times, a SAHM will get a set amount of alimony for a specific period of time so she can go through school for job training. After that, she is expected to pay $$ toward the kids too. Please talk to your atty about this, too, and get more info about your state's laws.

Please check out this support site for women regarding custody/cs/alimony laws for each state:

http://www.womenslaw.org/

Also, have you asked your atty about your state's stance on homeschooling? Too many moms have had the ex try to force the family to quit hs. So be prepared for H to use that route if he thinks hs is an impediment to "co-parenting" or if he just wants to be a jerk.


Keeping you in my prayers.

Jewel

My attorney did tell me a while ago that our state does lean toward co-parenting. So how do I fight for custody?

Attorney seemed to think H will be paying out the wazoo in CS, especially considering the high likelihood that he is hiding money in his business.

Hope attorney is right. Also, the only debt we have is a reasonable mortgage. No other debt.

I have been expecting that when he gets really mad about my newfound boundaries, followed by my continuing to enforce these boundaries, followed then by my children's new activities that don't happen to revolve around him but rather around their own personal interests, followed then by divorce filing and DIGGING INTO HIS BUSINESS FINANCES and requesting a drug test, he is going to get royally pi$$ed. And his slogan has been for years, "I don't get mad, I get even." I am expecting anything at this point...including the possibility of violence when he finally realizes we are no longer his puppets.

OK, I just went to amazon.com to browse the book H read to kids last time he had them. Mom's Home, Dad's Home. What a bunch of horse manure!

Here's a quote:

"She had seen her original family expand into two different homes. Her home wasn't broken--it had divided, then multiplied."

This is the GARBAGE he is feeding my children. What a bunch of worldly BS to make a WS feel better!

I read more. It goes against everything this man believed. Some moments, this still feels surreal. How could he become this?!

Folks, if he ever comes to his senses, I can no longer comprehend even CONSIDERING letting him have one foot into my life.

There is so much better waiting for me...alone or with someone else...something so much better.

A man who has allowed all his morals and beliefs to fly out the window. A man who can look at his children's faces and feed them this crap. A man who walked away and feels good about it. I cannot accept this man into my life, not now, not ever.

Talked with lawyer this morning. He says what H said is ridiculous. The 85% of the time kids are with me, it is solely up to me where we go, what we do, and who we are with. He said to tell H, he can certainly decide what kids do on the agreed upon times that kids are with him. However, all the other time, I make the decisions.

I also mentioned to lawyer that I realize co-parenting is probably what courts will require, but I am NOT interested in working with H like that. Lawyer said, "not necessarily" about the courts and co-parenting.

And as a friend said to me, H doesn't seem to care that I have asked him to take kids to church, or not listen to raunchy music, or swear at them. So WHY would he think he can dictate to me what I do with them.

He is so ENTITLED! Well, he's just beginning to get his wake up call. His big thumb isn't on us anymore, and he doesn't like it. But I sure do. It feels so good to know that I am making sound decisions for my kids, and allowing them to pursue their own interests.

Welcome to divorce, baby!

[quote]SMB:
My attorney did tell me a while ago that our state does lean toward co-parenting. So how do I fight for custody?[?quote]

What steps does your atty want you to take in the custody fight?

I'm assuming that you've been a SAHM-hs mom for a considerable amount of time. If that's true, then having the children would seem to be in your favor. It isn't like the state will want to take children who've hs successfully for several years and throw them into a school environment(unless it's anti-hs). Also, from what you've posted, you've been the primary caregiver to your children...ie routines, hs, chauffeuring to/from activities, scheduling, dr's appts, taking care of the home, etc That maybe the reason why your atty thinks you have a case against co-parenting

Know what, think of the D/C/CS as a "case". Contact your atty and ask him to give you a list of what he wants you to do to increase your chances of sole C. This is one case you want to win!

Here's my latest email to H and his last response. I would love some feedback from all of you on this stuff.

WH,

While the children are scheduled with me, I will be making the decisions about where they go, what they do, and who they are with. I don't plan to consult you on our day-to-day activities. I am a bit confused as to why you would think otherwise.

I'm sure this is difficult for you, but you really don't have the authority to tell me how to spend my time with the children or dictate what they do when they are under my care, just as I don't have the authority to make you take them to church or keep them from influences that we both use to believe were inappropriate.

As far as their medical care, I am not required to consult with you before I take them to the doctor. Of course, if it is a serious situation, I would notify you immediately. However, if it is a routine visit, a simple ear infection, flu, etc., I will seek the treatment I feel is appropriate. This is how their medical care has always been handled over the past years. If I felt they needed doctor's attention, I took them to the doctor.

This divorce is not what I wanted for our family. You chose this for all seven of us. It seems that you may be a bit confused as to what that actually means. You have left the family home; and I need to make day-to-day decisions, as I am the one here caring for the children daily.


Here's WS's response:

BS,

Day to day decisions are very different from schooling decisions, extra curricular activities and medical decisions.

I am not sure why your attorney is doing dragging his feet but we may need a joint conference - meeting with our attorneys to discuss these issues and clear up my confusion.

I would let him know that as the custodial parent, YOU will be making the schooling and extra curricular decisions. YOU will also be making the non major medical decisions.
Let him know that if he has a problem with that to speak with his attorney.

Until I was the custodial parent I was not given a choice of schools, routine medical care or anything else when my son was in her care. Now I make 100% of these decisons.

Your H needs to be put in his place...I think he is in for a rude awakening.

Ah, so do I <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I'm looking forward to it at this point. I feel stronger every day, more grounded, and more clear headed.

Perhaps I have gone through withdrawal from him <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />

Things are heating up around here. DD emailed WH and told him she was not going to his house this weekend or ever until he started acting like the Christian father he is suppose to be. She told him she didn't want to be around his cussing, or his music, or his lies.

So he forwards it to me with a note to me saying, "Nice."

Then he forwards me his response to her about him being sorry that she feels that way, let him know if she changes her mind, she is always wanted and welcome. Then he says the Bible says to honor your Father & Mother and that it doesn't say only if you want to. Then he says Christians are sinners, that's why we need Jesus.


Why does he refuse to acknowledge her feelings. She just wants him to HEAR her. She want him to SEE HER pain, HER betrayal, HER abandonment. But he's too busy trying to make HIMSELF feel better. It's all still about him. He can't even get over himself enough to see his daughter...the light of his life...he can't see her agony.

Her counselor told me today that she is very, very angry. And that DD was even able to identify her feelings of being betrayed, but that she couldn't stay there very long. Her pain was just too great. I can't express to you how much she trusted him and felt secure and safe with him. And then he left...not once...but twice.

What a freakin' idiot!

no response is the best response. If you want this to go another 8 weeks so that you have the advantage, silence rather than chastisement is best.