Whoooooah.....sexymama's getting fiesty....You go mama!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

(Might you care later? Like if he spontaneously defogs and falls all over himself to meet your boundaries? Sorry, I just have to ask.)

Ace

YOU rock!

[quote(Might you care later? Like if he spontaneously defogs and falls all over himself to meet your boundaries? Sorry, I just have to ask.)

Ace [/quote]

Ohhhh, Ace, you just had to ask, huh?

Funny thing, I asked myself that today while doing housecleaning and deep in thought (I always do my best thinking when I get real busy cleaning).

I couldn't answer the question. Actually, I was heavily leaning toward, no, I still won't care. But, you see, I don't think he would ever agree to all that is on my list, not just WS but my H as well.

None of the items on my list are negotiable. It's all or nothing. While in deep thought, I even had a tinge of hoping that he would defog just so I could tell him...uh, no, I don't want you anymore. I'm better without you.

But I guess we really never know for sure how we'll handle some situations until we're living it. I always said I'd kick him out and we'd be done if he ever cheated on me. But that's not what I did initially.

I was just thinking this afternoon how great it really is to be on my own. Wow, this is all happening so fast. I really didn't expect to feel this way for a very long time.

Why, thank you very much, MEDC <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />


My 7yos has a shirt that says: MY MOM ROCKS

He says it's his favorite shirt. It's mine, too! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Church crew came again Sun and worked on kitchen. They said they'll be back Mon. night.

When H dropped off kids Sun p.m. he noticed the work. He walked out into the kitchen and started "examining" it. "Who did this?" he asks. I tell him I called the church for help. He asks if they are coming back to finish the job. I say, "If you don't plan to finish this week, they will." He says, "Fine." (which means he isn't finishing it.)

So dry wall will be done this week. I will need to paint (and the ladies from the church will probably help me with that).

Last week was a lot of work--staying calm, focused, and detached during all the confrontations--but it did not rattle me, or exhaust me, or upset me. In fact, just the oppposite. I felt calmer, more energetic, & stronger after each confrontation. I think he was rattled & upset.

As I mentioned earlier, I will meet with lawyer this week to start separation papers. H will be furious when he receives them instead of dissolution papers.

I expect him to really blow up about this. I also am preparing myself for a spiritual attack over the next two weeks. I have talked with my prayer warrior friends and have asked for prayer about it and have asked them to remind me when the attacks hit, that I knew they were coming and am prepared for them. You know, remind me that they are attacks, so that I can keep my focus on my goal and not be distracted by them.

Ace,

Back to your question again. I have done more thinking.

IF H sincerely defogged and willingly and eagerly met all my requirements I posted on the boundaries thread, I would care, I would let him back in.

The difference this time is that it would be out of obedience to God and not out of my own personal desires. I can honestly say, I am hoping he does not defog. I no longer want that. But I do believe that God's timing is perfect. And if God permits defogging and authentic work toward recovery, then I will submit to GOD (not H), and follow God's leading.

I can see that I have truly turned H over to God, as all the longing for my will is gone. I do not hope for anything but my personal healing and that of my children's. If that includes H, that will be up to God. And He would be doing mighty things in the hearts of us all for that to happen. I have suffered and children have suffered immeasurably.

Right now, it is OBVIOUS H is still in self-centered mode. One fine example, is when he was discussing DD's emails to him (I think I posted all that). His statement, "her defiant and disrepectful emails hurt my feelings" about made me gag. A father truly interested in helping DD heal, would have been acknowledging DD hurt feelings, not his own! Then he went on to say that to co-parent we need to talk about these things together and decide how best to handle DD. He kept pushing me to respond to my unwillingness to talk about these things with him. I finally said, "I don't really discuss this stuff with you, because you are in such denial about the damage your actions have caused your children." His response? "I'm not in denial about this." Spoken like a man deep in denial.

He is so heavy in the fog, I can't comprehend that he could ever clear his mind enough to take an honest look at the remnants of his tornado.

And if he did, how could he live with it?

I am feeling joy again already. I have laughed a lot this week, and am wearing a smile again. I even TRIED to cry about him this week (wondering if there were some tears stuffed in there), but no tears came. Really no deep feelings even came.

I feel like things are looking up without him. I have never had a problem taking charge of things. I have led many groups and do not shirk from it. It was sweet when, as a married couple, we worked together as a team, but I dont NEED him.

SMB

Awesome...getting the drywall done....next the painting....

You're doing great. I am really amazed at your strength. And I mean that, I'm not just saying that.

I think your WH is going to keep trying to egg you on one way or another (In his mind you have to be the bad guy). Either with the kids and their attitudes or something really trivial. He needs justification. Just don't give him any. Go on like you are. Take charge and plow ahead.

You are in control of your happiness, he is definitely not.

If he ever defogs and returns to the man you say he was, he will have one humungous pill to swallow. Pitiful.


So glad you are finding some peace again.

I posted this on RLT's thread, but it seems relevant to my personal recovery, so I wanted to post it here. One day I'll re-read all of this. It's like a journal... interactive style.

RLT,

I understand this more than you know.

You see, I was a victim of sexual abuse by my brothers. H was physically and verbally abused by his mother. H, FIL, SIL are recovering alcoholics/addicts, and many other extended family are still using or in recovery.

I looked at my marriage, and felt with all my heart and soul that God had intervened in a MIGHTY was to heal us of our past hurts and do a new and good work in us. It seemed as if His hand had reached down and touched us both, and that His gift to us was this incredible marriage and family. Every time I shared about my life with anyone or gave testimony in any way, this was the HEART of my story. God blessing me with this awesome H and our children. My life song was "I am so blessed" by Martina McBride. (It's sad to let that one go).

So now what am I to think? Well, what I see is that H has not yet been healed of his childhood hurt and continues to seek something (or someone) to fill that longing in his heart. I thought he had filled it with Jesus, but now it is clear that he is still longing.

BUT through this incredibily painful experience that I am living right now, I observe myself...my feelings, thoughts, and actions. What do I see? Praise the Lord, I see someone who has TRULY BEEN HEALED of childhood abuse and hurt. I see someone who is not making decisions based on unhealthy needs or warped thinking processes. I see a woman strong in God, not a child still reacting from a place of fear and hurt. I see someone facing adversity by standing strong in her beliefs of who God is and who she is in Him. I see a woman who, although hurt in an incredibly deep way, does not question her value as wife, mother, lover, friend, woman, etc. because of my H's bad choices.

So, I can no longer claim that God blessed me with a wonderful, loving marriage and the most incredible H on earth. These past months, I have been struggling with letting this "testimony" go, just as you are questioning your false recovery.

I do claim that GOD HEALED ME before, and therefore, I KNOW He will heal me again. He will restore my heart. I have NO doubt. I have seen His mighty hand.

He will heal you, too, RLT, if you are willing to walk the journey. His refining fire burns but makes something beautiful. The reshaping of the clay can be painful, but its result is lovely to the potter's eyes.

Continue to focus on your personal recovery, and let God decide if that will include H or not. Remember, He may have something better for you (I don't necessarily mean a man).

Right now we are looking at a snapshot of a moment in our lives (yes, it feels like eternity). But as all the snapshots are placed into our memory albums, years from now we will see God made things good for those of us who love him and are called to his purposes. We cannot imagine, yet, where He is taking us. But we can trust in Him.

1 Peter 5:10:

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, establish, and strengthen you.

hi SMB,

I saw your post on RLT's thread and I'm glad you reposted it here.

Not much time, but I wanted to respond:

Ace,

Back to your question again. I have done more thinking.


It's been nearly a year since I 'achieved' this type of peace....D-Day 4 was early Nov. last year.



I actually went from both extremes......on D-Day #1, I was relieved I could justify getting out....then after D-Day's 2 & 3, I tried harder to want him to commit....then after D-day #4 I went back to the state you're in now.....it seemed easier to separate and recover myself.....survive.....alone.



YOU are a pillar of strength, SMB. Glad you have your prayer warriors standing firm with you. Keep it up.

Ace

Truly amazing SMB, you have come so far in such a short time.

I am sorry to hear of your past suffering. Apparently you have walked a path with God away from that.

In time, you will feel blessed again.

Just reminiscing this evening. Not feeling down, just reflecting on my life.

I love music, I love poetry. Songs have always meant a lot to me. Throughout my life, certain songs would really touch me, songs that seemed to me to be written about my life. Here is a glimpse of what I thought my marriage/my life was. Notice the last song. That's my new one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />



AMAZED
By Lonestar

Every time our eyes meet
This feeling inside me
Is almost more than I can take
Baby when you touch me
I can feel how much you love me
And it just blows me away
Ive never been this close to anyone or anything
I can hear your thoughts
I can see your dreams
I dont know how you do what you do
Im so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I wanna spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby Im amazed by you

The smell of your skin
The taste of your kiss
The way you whisper in the dark
Your hair all around me
Baby you surround me
You touch every place in my heart
Oh it feels like the first time every time
I wanna spend the whole night in your eyes

I dont know how you do what you do
Im so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I wanna spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby Im amazed by you

Every little thing that you do
Im so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I wanna spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Oh, every little thing that you do
Baby I’m amazed by you.



BLESSED
By Martina McBride

I get kissed by the sun each morning
Put my feet on a hardwood floor
I get to hear my children laughing
Down the hall through the bedroom door
Sometimes I sit on my front porch swing
Just soaking up the day
I think to myself, I think to myself
This world is a beautiful place

I have been blessed
And I feel like I've found my way
I thank God for all I've been given
At the end of every day
I have been blessed
With so much more than I deserve
To be here with the ones that love me
To love them so much it hurts
I have been blessed

Across a crowded room
I know you know what I'm thinking
By the way I look at you
And when we're lying in the quiet
And no words have to be said
I think to myself, I think to myself
This love is a beautiful gift

I have been blessed
And I feel like I've found my way
I thank God for all I've been given
At the end of every day
I have been blessed
With so much more than I deserve
To be here with the ones that love me
To love them so much it hurts
I have been blessed

When I'm...
When I'm singing my kids to sleep
When I feel you holding me
I know

I am so blessed
And I feel like I've found my way
I thank God for all I've been given
At the end of every day
I have been blessed
With so much more than I deserve
To be here with the ones that love me
To love them so much it hurts
I have been blessed


REMEMBER WHEN
By Alan Jackson

Remember when I was young and so were you
and time stood still and love was all we knew
You were the first, so was I
We made love and then you cried
Remember when

Remember when we vowed the vows
and walked the walk
Gave our hearts, made the start, it was hard
We lived and learned, life threw curves
There was joy, there was hurt
Remember when

Remember when old ones died and new were born
And life was changed, disassembled, rearranged
We came together, fell apart
And broke each other's hearts
Remember when

Remember when the sound of little feet
was the music
We danced to week to week
Brought back the love, we found trust
Vowed we'd never give it up
Remember when

Remember when thirty seemed so old
Now lookn' back it's just a steppin' stone
To where we are,
Where we've been
Said we'd do it all again
Remember when
Remember when we said when we turned gray
When the children grow up and move away
We won't be sad, we'll be glad
For all the life we've had
And we'll remember when



ANYWAY
By Martina McBride

You can spend your whole life building something from nothing
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway
You can chase a dream that seems so out of reach and you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

Chorus:
God is great, but sometimes life ain’t good
And when I pray it doesn’t always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway, I do it anyway

This world’s gone crazy and it’s hard to believe that tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway
You can love someone with all your heart, for all the right reasons, and in a moment they can choose to walk away
Love ‘em anyway

Repeat Chorus

You can pour your soul out singing a song you believe in that tomorrow they’ll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway, sing it anyway

I sing, I dream, I love, anyway,


TAKE A LOOK AT ME NOW
By Phil Collins

How can I just let you walk away
Just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking
Every breath with you ohhhh
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all
How can you just walk away from me
When all I can do is watch you leave
'Cause we've shared the laughter and the pain
And even shared the tears
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
So take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against the odds
And that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around
Turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you
So many reasons why
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
So Take a look at me now
So there's just an empty space
But to wait for you is
All I can do
When that's what I've got to face
Take a good look at me now
'Cause l'll still be standing (standing here)
And you coming back to me is against all odds
That's the chance I've got to take

Yeahh yeah yeah
Take A look at me now
(Take A Look at me now)




OVER YOU
By Chris Daughtry

Now that it’s all said and done
I can’t believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down
Like an old abandoned house
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath
I fell too far, was in way too deep
Guess I let you get the best of meeee

(Chorus)
Well I never saw it coming
I should have started running
A long, time agooo!
And I never thought I’d doubt you
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know
I’m slowly getting closure
I guess it’s really over
I’m finally gettin’ better
Now I’m picking up the pieces
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through
I got over you!!!
(End Chorus)
Over You Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com

You took a hammer to these walls
Dragged the memories down the hall
Packed your bags and walked away
There was nothing I could say,
And when you slammed the front door shut
A lot of other’s opened up
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for meee

(Chorus)
Well I never saw it coming
I should have started running
A long, time agooo!
And I never thought I’d doubt you
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know
I’m slowly getting closure
I guess it’s really over
I’m finally getting’ better
Now I’m picking up the pieces
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
‘Cause the day I thought I’d never get through
I got over you!!!
(End Chorus)

I never saw it coming
I should have started running
A long, long time agooo
And I never thought I’d doubt you
I’m better off without you

And I never saw it coming
I should have started running
I’m finally getting better
Now I’m picking up the pieces
From spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together
And I got over you!!!
And I got over you!!!
And I got over you!!!

The day I thought I’d never get through
I got over you…

Church friends finished drywall work Thurs. eve. I emailed H Fri a.m. and told him it was ready and he could call cabinet guy to install.

Soooooooo.....

Sat. while I was at soccer field, oldest son calls and asks if I knew dad was coming over. No, I had no idea. Son said WH said something about the drywall being a mess and needed redone. So when I get home, WS has sanded all the work down to almost nothing, tells me it is a mess and now he has more work than before. I tell him most of the wall will be covered with cabinets and I felt the wall was fine before he messed with it. I ask him, "Do you realize the area you are sanding will be totally covered by cabinets?" DUH! He says, not above the stove or the frig or the window. I say the micro cabinet will be above the stove, and there will be a cabinet above the frig, too. DUH!

I had intended on priming and painting as soon as I had returned from soccer. But WH has now ruined that.

So, I go into the bathroom to finish the painting I was doing in there. I pray about what to do. Tell WS to leave? Say nothing? Tell him he's a freakin' idiot?

I came out a few times to get something and see my two oldest watching their dad in disbelief. I could see their disgust as they watched him tear down the work that had been done by men they respect. We had talked earlier this week about how God had provided loving people to come along side us and help us. So now they watch their dad do this. I began to realize that I needed to do nothing. WH was making himself look so foolish.

Then my younger three started telling me how mad they were at dad because he ruined our plans to paint. (They were going to help me). They were so excited to get home and paint, just to walk in to see daddy tearing up our walls.

So, WH made himself look like an idiot in front of his children. I stayed quiet and kept to my work in the bathroom.

There was nothing I could do to "fix" the problem as WH had already torn up the work. He said he will be back tomorrow to work again. Don't know why he didn't stay and mud it all after sanding...oh yeah, he probably had "plans" (with OW).

Can someone shed some light into this ridiculous scenario? All I can figure is WS couldn't handle my taking control of the situation, and so this is his attempt to get control back. How sad!

Any other insight.

I see my choices at this point as:

1. Let WS finish the work on his own schedule. (not much of an option in my book)

2. Ask friends to come next weekend (while WH has kids) and finish what WH doesn't get done, and prime and paint immediately,

3. Hire a professional crew to finish the work and send WS the bill. Contact cabinet installer myself and schedule him in right after.

OK MEDC, I am sure you would suppport #3, righ?

Wow...he can't stand you taking control. Why should he care? He's not living there, and he won't be (if his plan D goes through). This is a control issue.

I'd have to vote for #3.

YOU NEED A KITCHEN.

If you let WH finish job on his schedule, you have zero control of when it will be done. Zero. And it's apparent your WH is nuts.

I guess I would actually tell him that you need the kitchen by such and such a time. If he can finish it by then, fine...if not tell him you are hiring it out. No arguments. If he starts to argue, stay calm and walk away. You've given him enough time.

My .02

SMB, he's still trying to pull your chain.

I agree with Michele. WOW, what a control freak!!!

What he did was disgusting and disrespectful to the extreme.

I worry about option #3 because it may not get done fast enough and he may not pay the bill.

I do, however, really like #2-- because this puts YOU and your friends back in charge taking a more active role in bucking his control. It also gets it all completely done very quickly before he can once again wrecks your plans (literally).

Yes, he's still calling the shots here. He comes and goes when he wishes, he DESTROYS work you've done (right in your face, too!), and he ruins even his kids' plans.

This needs to be taken care of ASAP... he's still getting to cakeeat because he's able to get his 'family fix' and be the single guy, whether you like it or not.

Time to stop this.

I don't have the lyrics but two other good songs are:
Stand by Rascal Flatts and What comes around goes around (somethinig like that) by Justin Timberlake, yes, J. Timberlake. I don't normally listen to him but my sister gave me a CD w/ a bunch of pick me up songs and that was one of them. Let me know if you want to listen to it.

SMB,
After the conversation last night at DC and reading your post and others, I want to throw in another "control" thought. I might get some disagreement here but that's ok.

From our discussions, your H is running hard. He knows the truth but he doesn't know how to get back to it. I think he wants to turn back, but he cannot because of the years of addiction. He knows what he will be missing: family, loving wife, true relationship with Christ etc. Those things he told you and your children were from his heart, just like those notes he wrote you. But, there is that dark side of him that keeps him in the fog. Over the years, he has been a terrible example about his commitment to the sanctity and holiness of marriage. I am not saying he will come out of it, but something tells me he knows and wants to, but wanting and doing are two different things. He needs some help, but is not ready to admit the addiction.

I agree that he may be using the drywall to have some control over you. BUT, he may be also using it to control TIME. If he reworks areas that don't need rework/sanding, he may be doing it just to stay in the house with you or the kids. It is his only way of staying since he won't be invited for dinner. By coming back tomorrow or whenever he feels like it, may be another tactic to control time. It enables him to come and go on his schedule, not yours. Though he does not set the example, he still loves his children and this may be a way to be with them. When he is working, does he try to talk to anyone? Either way, he needs help.

So, what to do. Whatever you do, don't let him finish the job because he will try to control you and time. He has had his chance. If you KNOW he will pay for the job, hire somebody. It should be done faster and right. Otherwise, option 2 is a safe bet, but it may not get done as soon as you want it to. You and your family have been too long w/o a kitchen and I know how you like to use wholesome ingredients...McDonalds is getting old. Once you take his control away, he will have one less thing to be able to use to stay in your life. Taking control from him fortifies plan B tactics and lets him miss the things he once treasured.

BTW, you hit the nail on the head last night at DC when you said "the heart and mind come in sync". My heart and mind are starting to come in sync. This morning I was a little bummed out when they played all those love songs. But, what I did like was the story Doug used concerning "A tale of three kings." Just like David, we have a choice to make wrt our WS's. I see Saul as my WW, and Absalom as the OM. I could go for vengeance, but that is not my battle or right...that belongs to Him. But, my choice is whether to give them grace or justice. This is what Paul was talking about in Romans. Did Christ give us grace or justice when we rejected Him and let him hang on the cross? He gave us grace, and I believe that is what he wants us to give our WS's. That does not mean we let them come back or not hold them accountable. It means we give them forgiveness, kindness and a bottle of water with smile. If we give them these things from our heart, it will heap burning coals on their head...but that is not our motivation. These are just like plan A tactics. When it comes to you and I, God is not looking at what injustices were done to us, but rather how we are handling them...with grace or justice. I think that is what I was getting at in our small group when I said, "yes, he is working on her heart, but my heart may not be ready yet either." I cannot control her heart, but I can control mine. Is your heart ready, whether it be reconciliation or divorce? Time to step down from my pulpit and preaching to myself!

Yikes! MamaBear!

I feel so duh right now, because when I read your earlier posts about the kitchen I shoulda told you this: take pictures to document the the repairs that need to be done and how the repairs are progressing (regardless of who does the work).

I hope he's over there getting the work done today. Your family really needs access to kitchen facilities.

I don't think your atty will be too happy with what WS did. Soon you'll be able to file D and you'll be able to tell him to stay out of your home.

Hang in there, each day that passes brings you closer to your goal.

(((((hugs))))

Jewel

Jewel,

I thought of this after the fact, too. I wish I would have taken pictures of the 5 weeks without ANY work being done and my kitchen sitting in studs.

WH was here today. He did his work, I did mine. Kids chatted briefly with him and then went out to play. Then we left and went to a friend's house. Kids didn't even tell dad bye; they just hopped in the van because they were excited to go to friend's house.

As I left, I thought how WS must feel like he doesn't even belong here anymore. The moving on process has already begun and is well on its way.

Part of me wishes you were right. Another part hopes you are not.

But honestly, I think this was more about him feeling "offended" that I took over. No one ever does anything as good as him. He has never liked receiving help; has always preferred to do things himself "so it gets done right".

And, yeah, those love songs at church this morning really got to me, too. My H used to sing to me a lot....some of those songs. "When a Man Loves a Woman" really got to me. When you asked this morning how I was, I quickly lied and said fine. When minister was praying and said he had a word for someone and then went on to say that God was telling him to tell someone that they "will have a bright future...", well, I felt the Holy Spirit and knew that word was for me (maybe others as well). But it hit hard and I was crying.

H being back in the home this weekend and taking control back from me...only briefly, however...has gotten my emotions stirred up again. I need to regain my composure and my focus. I need to stay focused on my healing and that of my children's.

No way!! He tore up all the work???? I'm at a loss... I vote for #3. I wouldnt' be able to take it anymore! I cook for my kids all the time, I'd lose my mind without a kitchen! Document what's been going on for your lawyer.