SMB,
I agree with Kayla. Right now you're trying to hang on for 50+ days, so don't engage him if you can help it. Unless it's a specific question, ignore it or tell him to talk to his lawyer.

Hold on, don't show your hand yet. That wake up call can come when those 50 days are over and you have the upper hand.

Just be there for your kids.

Thanks Kayla & Michele,

That is probably the best approach. I forwarded the email to my lawyer asking how to best handle it. I suspect he will say the same thing.

I also asked him for a list of what I could be doing to increase changes of full custody.

SMB,

I think the advice *not* to engage H is best the best approach.

Also, as much as you hate the Mom's house, Dad's House book, I think you should read it. After all, it will show you exactly what your H is thinking and what he plans to do with your family. I'm pretty sure it's his plan book in this game.

When you read it, keep in mind the context in which it's been written. The author is a PhD and involved in the family courts. That said, the general audience of the book are parents that have 2 or 3 kids together, both dad and mom had worked outside the home, kids in day care/school since they were 6 weeks old, and now there's 2 separate houses and the parents will use the kids to get back at each other. Thus, ideas and plans to split the kids 50/50 and co-parent in a businesslike manner.

You and your family aren't the "general audience" to whom it's directed. Certainly, it goes against everything we know about creating emotionally healthy children who will grow-up and go on to have stable, fruitful families of their own in the future. Unfortunately, it is how your H wants things to be. Read it so you know what your up against.

It amazes me that H has let you have full charge of the kids for so many years, and now all of a sudden he wants to be a detailed part of the process. With 5 children, it's going to be a major burden to have to "do business" that way. I hope your atty can show that to the court.

Jesus was forty days in the desert. He used that time to prepare himself. You've got 50 days. Use this time to gather as much info as possible and put a plan in place.

GL

Jewel

That is exactly what I was planning to do. I figure if I want to know the BS he is feeding my children, and how to counter his approach with them and with me, I need to read it. A friend told me to read it, take notes with Scripture at my side. Then I can discuss issues with kids and arm them with the TRUTH.

Thank you for this reference. I will continue to prepare myself and plan.

Funny thing is, my lawyer wrote to H's lawyer back in June that H neede to pay my lawyer's retainer as I am and always have been financially dependent.

WH still has not paid my attorney. Doesn't look like he's in any big hurry does it? It seems like if he doesn't want my attorney to "drag his feet", he would pay him. I did ask WH about 5 weeks ago if he had paid L yet. He said no and that he thought the bill was a little high for a quick dissolution. I think he was trying to get me to volunteer to find a cheaper one. I DON'T THINK SO. From what I have been told, I have one of the top 2 in the area.

My attorney has been wonderful about continuing to counsel me. He told my WH will be required to pay the bill.

So much for not engaging WS. I just had a confrontation with him on the phone.

He called to let me know that he has some people coming tomorrow to deal with a major problem with our plumbing/septic. He had to put in new septic (being done today). And there is still another issue to deal with.

I then asked him if he could give me a timeline as to when our kitchen would be done. He said he had no idea. (All we are waiting on is HIM to finish the drywall work). Everything else will be hired in. I told him I have been without a kitchen for 6 weeks now, and this is dragging on longer than it should. He started babbling about this is why we need to sit down and discuss the kids calendar. I said our schedule really has nothing to do with him coming here to work. He can come whether we are here or not.


He said he hoped to have it done by the end of the month, as he is going out of town the first of the month. I told him if it was not completed by then, I would most likely hire it done. He said if I did that, I would be paying for it. I told him I would pay for it just as I have paid for everything else--I would send him the bill. He said "I don't think so, if you hire it in, you will pay the bill." Then he started whining about all the costs he has right now. I told him that wasn't my problem. I said that my problem is that I have been without a kitchen for 6 weeks.

He said there are more important things than my kitchen. I told him "Yeah, like feeding my children." He said, "You can still feed them, you just need to look at other options." He then said, "you can send them to my house, I have a kitchen and stove, I'll feed them." He kept blubbering, so I just hung up.

I am just about tempted to tell him I expect him to pick up kids every night at 6 and feed them a homecooked meal.

You have 5 kids... I can't believe he doesn't feel a kitchen is a priority. Jerk!

Just got an email from WH that says:

As requested:

My intention is to have the drywall work complete before the last day of this month.


Perhaps he consulted with his lawyer and was told he better get it done.

What I actually requested was that the kitchen be complete by the end of the month.

WHAT??? You are waiting for another 3 weeks for drywall work? Call a contractor that will have it done by next week. Give your H the bill....don't wait on him...and don't count on him. Get him out of these things...take control.

Let him know that is NOT acceptable. That you want it confirmed that all drywall work will be completed in a professional fashion by October 12th. If he cannot commit to that, get it done on your own. Ask your neighbors...it is a pretty simple job, there might be someone willing to get it done reasonably and quickly.

SMB,

Are you verifying that your bills are being paid? (please don't feel like you have to reply to this ?, I'm just asking as something you might want to consider.)

I mean. it's obvious that the electric is, you have power. But the mortgage, taxes, and ins are, right? Just thought I'd ask, so you can make sure. (if your writing the check, then you know it is. However, if he handles it, call the bank, not him, to verify.)

I think MEDC is correct in taking control. However, that is assuming you have access to your own funds. If H decides not to pay a bill for work done on the home, the contractor will put a lien on it to collect the funds. And a gutted kitchen that needs drywall, cabinets, plumbing, electrical, and appliances can be costly.

Sounds like his atty did tell him to get the drywall done.

Btw, keep a journal of these discussions with your H. The court won't look to kindly on the bare kitchen. However, H has bought a little time in the fact that he is having septic/plumbing work done currently. So he necessarily won't be expected to fix the kitchen right now, this week. But as soon as the septic/plumbing is finished, he will be expected to return the focus to that kitchen.

I hope his atty told him to get it done!

Jewel

By the end of this month? It's only the 5th... Why is he so against subbing the drywall if he has no time? He could at least sub the tape, float and sand. Hanging it is the easiest part.

He hung the drywall last weekend. And mudded it one night this week. There really is not much left to do. I just called a friend from church and asked if there were any men that might be able to finish this job for me quickly. She was going to talk with her H and get back with me. There church does lots of service projects and are skilled with home remodeling.

Awesome move, SMB!
Won't it just chap his hide that you were able to take him out of the equation if this works out for you.

He does pay me every week and I handle all the household bills now.

It works good so far. I don't think he will stop paying, as it will make him look bad. He is too strategic for that.

Hi SMB,

Saw your post on the boundary thread. You're doing really well with defining your limits.

I share this caution with bill$, however, as it is nothing to take forgranted. He is foggy, remember? He may well forget that paying you promptly fits with his strategy, especially when his fog has altered ALL of his other thinking.

Get thi$ in concrete; your lives depend on his following through with these bills.

Way to go SMB.....hope your church crew can finish the kitchen for you economically......without him!!!!

Ace

SMB,

Since you and your WH own a business, be sure you get an audit of the books and business. If the business has inventory, pay attention to whether your WH tries to hide cash by stockpiling inventory for later sales (after the divorce), or prepays expensses that will be due after the divorce. Also, watch out for any wheeling-dealing such as "hiring" a friend for cash money (where he just pays cash to a friend who returns it to him().

I don't know how you two handle tax returns, but I think that, for this year, I would NOT file jointly with him. If he tries to hide money from you, that may carry over onto his tax return, and you do NOT want to be required to pay any back taxes should he be audited and found to owe taxes.

Thanks LC,

WE do not own a business. H and FIL own a business. It was FIL's when H was young. H now runs it, and they both own stock. Several years ago the reorganized it and set it up as a Limited Liability Co. (LLC). FIL gifts maximum amount of shares allowed each year to H.

There is no inventory. It is a service business.

Church crew was here today and finished the first batch of drywall mud work. They are such wonderful people. When there is a need, they are there!

Talked with lawyer last night. He says I can file right now for separation in the county H lives in. There is no waiting period for a separation filing. Then when the 3 months are up, we can convert that to a divorce.

H will never agree to a separation. But we can still file and get the paperwork started in that county. That may give us an edge, and quiet H about getting paperwork going.

I do anticipate he will be pi$$ed when he gets the papers on a separation instead of a dissolution.

Forgot to mention, "Like I care."