I hope you are better today. If he comes by, be strong and courageous (Josh 1)! Don't let him see you are down or he will key on it. And listen to those pick me up songs.
Today is a big day for me. I am at my apt right now, but at 1:30 I go to the lawyers office to sign the final dissolution docs. After that, it is about 40 days till the court date. But, today I will also expose to W's parents the history of the OM. She says they already know, but something tells me she is lying and told me they knew just so I would not say anything to them. If they do, nothing lost. If they don't know, then Lucy O'Ball will "haf a lot of hesplaining to do." Starting the chemo treatments.

WH emailed that he will be here either today or tomorrow (during the day) to work on the drywall. I'm not sure why he would come during the day. But hey, he's the boss. Maybe he decided not only could he leave work to [email]b@ng[/email] OW, he could also leave work to finish his family's freakin' kitchen!

OK, something really bothering me tonight. WS could never seem to get home from work before 6:30 all the years I lived with him. But it seems he can get away all the time now. He shows up at the dojo tonight at 5:30. Kids class is from 5-6. MY class is from 6-7. His class is from 7-8:30. So WHY must he come so early!. He's been showing up early for awhile.

And really, I don't even care that he is there. Seeing him doesn't get to me anymore. What bothers me is that for 19 years he couldn't get away from work to come home and have dinner. It was always such a struggle for him to leave earlier. NOW he does it ALL THE TIME. Not to mention all the times he took off this year during the day to meet up with OW, and probably still is.

He's getting a fix.


I doubt it is coincidence. I'm sure there will be things that come to light as time goes on. Unless he comes home, you probably won't ever get answers to these types of questions, so don't dwell on them for too long. Might drive you nuts.

You're doing a great job SMB. You are holding it together despite his efforts to rip it apart.Literally.

Can a fix be just seeing me???

I do not look at him and we do not talk. In fact, from my standpoint, it is as if he isn't even there.

Is just seeing me giving him a "fix"?? It is hard to believe that my appearance has that much influence on a man who has chosen to leave me?

SMB...what is going on here? You are allowing him to control things. Change the locks on the house immediately.
Contact the church crew and explain what happened. Apologize and seek their direction. Most likely they will return to re do the work.
Did I mention CHANGE THE LOCKS....you have allowed this game of his long enough. He comes and goes as he pleases...it should stop today.
This man is a friggin nut job that needs his asss handed to him.
Change dojo's. You can find another place to bring them.

Oh, did I mention...change the locks. He no longer lives there so he should not have access at will.

MEDC,

I changed locks back in June when he left the first time. He does not have a key. My oldest son let him in and then called me to see if I knew that his dad was coming over.

I have also talked with friends who can come this weekend to help finish the work. While he has the kids, I plan to get it ALL finished. Any drywall work left, and primed and painted before he brings kids back home.

As far as karate, there truly are no decent dojos in the area that I can find. That's why I am considering yanking us all out of martial arts for awhile. But that is a hard decision, as kids have dedicated many years to it and I really enjoy my class. I have always wanted my kids to have the ability to protect themselves.

I am brainstorming to see if I can come up with a "new and interesting" way to do it without having H around; and some opportunities may be opening up. For example, one of the teacher's there has begun instructing at a private Christian school. She asked my DD to come with her to "help". My daughter loves it and has attended very few classes at our dojo since. Now my oldest is trying to work that into his schedule. But we have a lifetime membership at our dojo, so I do not have to pay for any of our classes. If we go elsewhere, I will.

I have been contemplating completely leaving martial arts; I just haven't been able to go there yet.

Do I sound like I am making excuses. I hope not. I know that H's behavior is totally wacked out, and I don't want to get sucked in.

Okay..tell you son and anyone else that YOU are the only one that is permitted to let your H in the house. Then inform your h that IF he decides to test that, he will be putting the kids in the middle.

Leave the dojo...the why's and what's are not important right now. Just leave and figure out something later on if necessary.

SMB,

Is there anyway you can get to Home Depot or Lowe's and order cabinets and appliances? Do you and H have a joint cc you could put it on? Normally a spouse shouldn't go out and put charges onto a credit card, but with what he did recently, the court shouldn't object. It would make him pay the expense because of the # of children ( the court will view it as a necessity on your part)and because he tore the drywall down after you had work done (makes him look petty)

You really need to get the kitchen done asap. Call your atty, explain the sitch, and ask his advice on how you should go about making it clear to H that he can't come over anymore. Your atty may tell you to hold out a little longer until you can file in H's county or he may have some decent suggestions.

Hang in there, you're doing great with this!

(((hugs)))

Jewel

RMJ (BTW I love your name!),

Our cabinets have been in and waiting for about 5 weeks. Our flooring guy has been waiting for about 5 weeks. EVERYONE is waiting on WS to finish the drywall. Everything else is ready to roll.

WS is here right now sanding the walls. He told the kids he would come back to put one more coat on, and after that one is sanded, it can be painted. So.....maybe he'll finish this week. Maybe not. If not, over the weekend it WILL be done.

I'm just going to sit tight this week. And come the weekend, it's a done deal. I can put a call out and probably have about 20 people here ready to work with me this weekend.

WS and I have nothing joint except our checking account, which no longer gets used by either of us. We never had any credit cards personally. If we needed to charge something, we put it on his company card. I now have my own, since he moved out.

Financially, we have no debt except our relatively low mortgage. WS hated being in debt, and at this point, I am very thankful for that.

I do hear what you are saying, MEDC. I am going to wait it out this week, and what WS doesn't finish I will have taken care of this weekend.

I was considering leaving the dojo at the same time as kitchen finished and soccer was over. That should be right now. I do hate giving WS power enough to make me leave the dojo and my tai chi, which has been a good thing for me. Please explain why this is important for me. I really mean that. I need to hear some reasons behind leaving.

A month ago, I really needed to leave the dojo because I couldn't stand seeing WS. But just seeing him doesn't put me in emotional turmoil anymore. So, do I still need to leave? And if you think so, please tell me why.

I do value you thoughts on this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I believe that it is best for you to have as little contact with your Wh as possible.
Also, you are obviously getting annoyed at his showing up early.
I am all about doing what you can to lessen stress in your life. getting away from the dojo, getting your H out of the kitchen project (which has gone on for a ridiculously LONG TIME) are all things that will result in a lower level of stress...plus they are in your control.
Keeping him out of the home also serves another purpose...it puts him in his place....and that is very important to do at this point since he is a controlling manipulative jerk. Take his power away or you will continue to deal with his crapp.

WS was here off and on this week working on the kitchen. I went about my business and didn't talk much with him other than kitchen stuff.

One day he called here three times: once to talk to kids, once because he missed a call and thought it was us, and once I forget why. Then he shows up to "look" at the mud to see if it is dry and says he'll be back the next day to work on it. Then he tells me about a good friend of his who is dying of cancer, only a few weeks to live. WS tells me he is going to go visit him that evening with 2 other guys. They are all from a Bible study group.

Yesterday, he was here working. I was gathering the kids to leave and he was WASHING DISHES. Don't know why he was doing that. (yes, I know, I could have told him to leave, just didn't want a confrontation right then). It seemed he was stalling. So while I was out with kids, he calls my cell twice, but I missed both of them.

On my mirror, I have Bible verses and prayers written all over (inlcuding prayers for him). So I notice this morning that last night he left me a message on my mirror: "I am so very sorry."

So, what did I think...

You SHOULD be sorry.

What did I feel...

not much.

I see this as words that mean NOTHING. I see that he is hurting because he misses his family, not because he devastated his family. Do you see the difference? It is about him owning his mess.

If he were to tell me he wanted to work on things...well, you all know my list of requirements. I still don't believe he would be willing to do a poly or write a post nup, no matter how remorseful he felt. Without those and the others on the list, he doesn't get a ticket in. Even with those, I don't think he gets a ticket in.

Where am I now????

I had peace when he moved out the second time. It felt good to be on my own, to move on. I wasn't scared of being alone or being without him. I don't feel I have love left for him. I don't want to work for years to TRY to regain something resembling a loving marriage.

I want a man who does not want to manipulate or control me, someone who treasures honesty...someone who treasures me. I don't want to have this ugly baggage of betrayal, lies, and heartbreak to the depths of my soul.

The only BUT I have is: I know that God can do all things. He can change WS's heart, humble him, and remold him. He can also change my heart and allow me to love him again...if I am willing. I don't want to close the door on God's work, but I truly feel nothing toward H any longer...except maybe pity.

I've been in this marriage every day that we have been married. He has confessed to emotionally checking out many times.

He physically left twice...that was 2 times too many. I laid my heart out to him after the first time. I don't think I can again.

How do you know when you are completely done?

{{{{{{{{{{SMB}}}}}}}}}}}

Good for you. Keep your boundaries, but acknowledge that God can work miracles.....cuz that's what it's gonna take.

I am living a form of that miracle (my WH only had an EA), but I kinda know how you feel. It didn't happen, tho, until I saw myself recovering alone.

Suddenly, my WH wanted to come along for the ride. Have you read my saga attached to my sig line, SMB? (Most of it happened pre MB.)

I'm praying for you (and your WH).

{{{{{{{{{{{{{SMB & lovely kids}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Ace

Ace,

I don't WANT him to come home. It's not that I am focusing on my personal recovery, but have this lingering hope for him to return. I don't want him to return.

I just don't want to ignore a miracle if there is one. (I don't think an I'm sorry on my mirror constitutes a miracle.)

I feel done. How do you know when you really are?

And Ace,

Pleaase don't take this wrong. But when I read stories like yours, I can't help but thinking, "Yeah right, until he goes out and does it again."

Then I read posts like RLT, and I think, "There you go..D-day after D-day."

I can't take any more D-days down the road. I can face a lot in a relationship, but NO more D-days.

Neither do I. Looooong way off from a miracle.


I was done after D-Day #4 when I caught him lying again. By then, I had time to really ponder what recovering by myself would be like. When he gave me reason to seriously think about it, I was ready....had a peace in my gut about being able to handle the results, with or without him.

Many differences in your sitch than mine, though, SMB.


And I UNDERSTAND your suspicions, SMB....we all do....it's now a part of all our lives forever.

How each one of us deals with it is different.

For me, I NEVER had a marriage before H's A. Like FH said, I never knew what I was missing because I only had 'romance' in novels and tv shows and movies.....I lived romatically vicariously through these characters.

Even if my new "Mr. Romance" only lasts for the 10 months he's emerged from the cocoon I've squished him into (not me really, but at times it felt like it...) I will be further along than if we were still miserable in our detached existence. I'll take that. But that's just me.

In the meantime, I am focusing on trying to be the best 'me' possible....and paying a bit forward on these forums....and trying to recognize behaviors that we both need to change....and trying to change them with the help of God, our MC and MB.

It's different for all of us SMB, but you're right. It may or may not happen again. If it does, I'll be that much closer to personal recovery. If it does not (and he stays faithful) we are both better off in recovering our M and not just surviving but really THRIVING! That is my vision.

And it works for me....for now, at least. Thanks for your candid comments. And I am sure others feel your concerns when they read my story. I just hope it inspires one couple to keep going.

Again, I'm praying for you SMB...to have peace....regardless what happens....and thanks for your insights.

Ace

P.S. SMB, I'll be off MB for the weekend....will check in Sunday night, though.

SMB,

I don't even know what to tell you. I will say though that there are BSs on this board that are longing to hear/see those words come from their WSs. Some are even trying recovery and they still haven't gotten a heartfelt apology.

It is a plus.

Your response comes from anger and you have every right to be angry. No argument there. I said alot of those types of comments under my breath when FWH would say something nice. It really didn't mean much cause he said the same things to OW. So I'm with you that you didn't feel "much".

And what you ARE feeling is so very normal. Even if you wanted him to return, LOVING him again is a whole other journey.

But I still think it's a plus.


My advice is to be still. Do your thing. Let's see what he's got. If he's coming around, you'll see alot more of this type of thing. I'd kinda ignore it, but I wouldn't discourage it. He'll have to roll over and play dead several times before I would even announce that there IS a ticket for readmission.

Total surrender SMB.

Just a side note...Even if you feel nothing up until the very end, giving him your list at some point might not be a bad idea. Not saying right now...just at some point. He may not have a clue as to how to begin to make amends....he would need to know your requirements. Steps for him to take. Ya never know... Now back to our regularly scheduled program.

Plan SMB. That's the way to go. You are doing great!!!

He won't see the devastation unless he comes totally out of the fog and time has passed. Most WSs NEVER understand the devastation...it's not first hand and felt by them.

If he knew the devastation, he'd be on his knees at your front door right now. Your thinking is correct. He's hurting but in a selfish way...Give it some time. You still have some.

I just received an email today from my WS. I would appreciate your take on this. Posted below is his email and my response.

BS,

I am sorry for the many things that have happened with us and between us.

I am sorry I broke my marriage vows and the promises I made with you.

I am sorry I was not honest with you about how I have felt about many things through the years.

I am sorry I did not trust you with the truth.

I am sorry I withheld what you needed in a husband.

I am sorry my communication with you broke down.

I am sorry I have been so angry.

I am so very sorry I have wounded you so deeply.



I am thankful I chose you as my wife.

I am thankful for the beautiful children we have together.

I am thankful for the years we have been together.




I am unsure if the damages can be repaired.

I am unsure what would be required from each of us.

I am unsure if you would even have a desire.



It is extremely difficult for me to muddle through all these issues and acknowledge my uncertainty. My fear and uncertainty has prevented me from saying these and many other things. I have no answers, but I am looking for an exchange of feelings and thoughts. My communication skills are weak at best; maybe e-mail would be the safe way for you and me to avoid my wall building skills.



Dear WS,

I am encouraged to read these words, but very skeptical and cautious.

Up to this point, all I have seen is your desire to protect your relationship with OW at all costs, instead of protecting our marriage and our children. So I must ask, what are you willing to do? This is not something I can answer for you. But the answer you give is critical.

I can no longer leave my heart out there for you. Can it be won back? Perhaps, with much time and effort. But I cannot guarantee that. Are you willing to put in the time and effort anyway?

I can't tell you any longer that my heart's desire is reconciliation. But I also can't tell you that it isn't. Words without actions will mean little to me at this point. Your actions over a long period of time are the only thing that matters now.

So, tell me, what are you willing to do?

his words mean nothing to me . he has realized that you are being more independent and he feels you slipping too far away...out of his control. So, he will say some sort of nice words...to reel you back in a little and then return to the same place he was before.

This is an old story with him.

If he wants back in, he knows what he has to do. I would add that a polygraph and post nuptial agreement(giving you 80% of everything) are part of your terms.