Wow. I am not qualified to even comment....but I keep up with your thread and all I can say is wow.

Did he finish the drywall? How is the rest of the kitchen remodel going?

I can't wait to see what everyone has to say about his email.

MEDC,

These are things that are on my requirements list for him to come home. I'm not even going to waste my energy giving him my list yet. I want to see what he comes up with on his own. But he will not get a ticket in (or even stand in line), without all of my requirements being met. And even then, I just don't know if I want to spend my life with him anymore.

Drywall was finished Friday. I painted over the weekend. Cabinets will go in tomorrow. Counter on Friday. Kitchen is close to being done.

SMB...I don't blame you...I would NEVER take him back based ont he history you have together. But that's just me.

Nowhere in those words do I see that he has ended the A. He's testing the waters.

I'd want to know has the A ended.

If he says it has, I'd want full transparency, passwords, cell records, everything. I'd want proof and then he'd have to write an approved NC letter. That would be the first BABY step...But only...if it's what YOU want.

See his reaction. If he balks...you know the answer. If he's willing, I might take another baby step.

All on YOUR terms.

Michele is right on the money.
he has to want this...even though he knows nothing is guaranteed.

cgw

SMB

I tend to agree with MEDC, too little, too late, no way, no how.....and with Michele.....check it out.

Before I read princessmeggy's story, I would have totally agreed with MEDC.

Her story is a miracle and it seems like her WH may have been worse (or worst) than your WH. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I suggest you read her story:

Shoulda been the MB way (OT forum)

and see if you can picture you SMB and your WH in this scenario.



It doesn't matter if he's sincere or blowin' smoke if you do NOT want to make the effort at recovery. On the surface, he's sorry.....but he does not say what he will do in the realm of just compensation. (and like MG says, he does not forsake OW yet.)

(It did take a while ~ withdrawal sucks ~ for my WH to sincerely say he would do anything to help me heal.)

Until then, I wasn't sure, either.

Ace

Here is my list of requirements before I will CONSIDER working at reconciliation.

There are attitudes I list followed by actions. You may ask, how will I REALLY know that attitude change is there. The answer is: because he does the actions. I specifically choose actions that he will NEVER do unless it is the real deal. I want it to be almost impossible to get back into my life. The only way in now is authentic recovery, and even then, I'm not sure he gets the ticket in.

REQUIREMENTS TO COMING HOME

Humility

Remorse

Surrender emotionally before me and spiritually before God

Godly sorrow (not fleshly sorrow) (Godly: sorry that I ever had the A & did this to our family. Fleshly: sorry I hurt you)

Authentic repentance

Owns his choices and the consequences they caused (to himself, me, children, extended family, friends, etc.)

Apology for the A and his hurtful actions before and after

Confession & apology to children

Confession to extended family & certain close friends that have confronted him

IC, MC, & Family C

Accountability forever to 3 men that I choose

Attend church again

NC Letter

Provide all cell phone & credit card records from this past year

Complete radical honesty about our entire history together

15+ hours together weekly

Pray with me daily

Polygraph

Post Nup agreement that provides for me very well if we ever divorce

Even if he would agree to all of the above...

WHY on earth would I want this?????

I can't come up with a good reason. Yes, my kids, right. But since we have been without him...I think we've been better off. To think we are better off without him goes against everything I have believed.

You know, it's not the affair that hurt so badly. It is the fact that he would and did leave...more than once.

SMB,
The decision is YOURS. If you could take your emotions out of the equation for just a moment, what would be your goal?

Would you have any regrets that you couldn't live with if you didn't allow readmission?

No one on these boards will try to convince you one way or the other. Personally I want what you want. Whatever that is. You have every right to D this man...It is your choice.


Would that thought have ever crossed your mind prior to the A?


Actually this may be the way to expend the least amount of energy. See, if you wrote him an email explaining that you have had alot of time to learn about yourself. And what love and M really require. And also because of the false recovery which was extremely painful for you and the children, you now understand what steps would be needed to BEGIN to recover from this A. This is not a list of punishments. It is what you need. And then LET HIM HAVE IT.

The ball is in his court. These are not negotiable. You know that. He will know what's required of him and you will know soon enough whether he is really in this or not.

Not much energy or time invested by you. It would cut to the chase quickly.

It's total surrender.

SMG,

Michele makes great points, as usual:


That's why I suggested your use princessmeggy's story as a sort of 'time machine'. Can any part of you see your marriage surviving this devastation? Could you project yourself 5, 10, or 20 years from now with any regrets?

THIS is about YOU, not what he does or does not do.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Second, would be what is he willing to do. I totally agree with MG.......make it swift and simple:

"You're sorry? How sorry? Are you sorry enough to complete the following? If not, don't bother. Bye"

Finished.
Complete.
Gave it your best shot. He balked.
Move on with your kids.


I did this with my H and meant it.

Now he says that my resolve shocked him, nearly defogged him on the spot.

His next statements were, "I'll do anything you say to help you heal."

I was sarcastic immediately and said "OK, get on a plane and go across the country and apologize to her husband for all that you stole from him." (I thought this would be 'the impossible' as we both feared for his life pre-exposure.)

"If that will help you heal, I'll do it."

So I laid out my list, similar to yours.

He's still doing all of the requirements and is quick to apologize and make amends when he messes up.


This must be what it is like when you've expended your love bank to red levels. It seems you're in the hole.

What if you had been able to go into Plan B BEFORE you lost all your love for him? How would that make (or have made) things different? Might you then be able to consider making the humongous effort at recovery with the father of your children?

This is all about YOU, now SMB. If it's difficult to figure out what you want, maybe you should start with what you DON'T want. I think "regrets" might be on that list. What else?

Ace

Perhaps, Plan B would have saved something. I admit I have thought about that. I thought about it weeks ago, when I reolved that I was done and that I had nothing left for him.

There were so many little things that add up to such major pain.

The absolute ONLY thing that makes me consider this possibility of reconciliation is what will it mean for my kids. This is hard to answer. I believed he was a really good dad for a long time. But it has been a few years since I could honestly say that. AND he has admitted repeatedly over the last months that he checked out emotionally throughout the years. He checked out on me and on our kids. So, how many times has he REALLY left me???

I want to be done. I want to move on and maybe have a life with someone who appreciates the woman I am and all that I offer. I have given so much to my H.

But there is the realistic side of me that says, it ain't that easy. You have 5 kids. This equation is bigger than me. 5 kids who might be better off with dad in the home. And if I had a new relationship...well, 5 kids. 5 kids who would have to build a relationship with this man and all that goes with that.

I think I will have regrets no matter what, or at least, what if's.

I will examine this further.

Never.

But the A has changed me.

What would you lose by giving him the list now?

This is a good point. I will consider it more before I decide.

I have not heard back from him at all yet. I just sent another email that said:

Is your affair over? If so, when did it end?


His answer will tell me A LOT. Because so far he has been claiming the affair has been over since July, when he came home. But I have PROOF it was going on in Sept.

So, we'll see.

It's an easy test to pass. It just takes complete honesty.

Nothing. I called my counselor yesterday, and his thoughts were that I not be a part of the solution. He said WS needs to figure this out on his own.

However, I don't have the time to keep hanging on. I feel like this is the moment of truth. It's now or never.

I want to wait for his reponse first, because I did ask him what he is willing to do. I would like to see what he comes up with on his own. Depending on the answer, I will send my list. If I don't, it will be because his answer was not satisfactory, and that I am finished with it all.

I truly do feel this is the moment of truth. It's all or nothing.

Good for you.