I dont know the man of course, but he sounds sincere to me. The part that made me really believe he is telling the truth is that he feels guilty for hurting the OW. He won't always...but the fact that he acknowledged that feeling to you speaks volumes to me as to his effort at honesty.

No one could blame you for refusing his efforts at restoration. He certainly doesn't deserve it....but really this isn't something you have to decide today. You need time to think about this. Your feelings for him will come back someday...and your children will be greatful to have their family intact again.

I don't blame you for wanting him to go through withdrawals on his own...not sure if that is the MB way, but under the circumstances, maybe he needs to prove himself to you before he comes home.

His emails made me cry.

Oh, and I think it is also good to communicate via email! Keeps a record of who said what and also cuts down on misunderstood tone ect.

I am heading to my weekely counseling session in a few minutes. It should be an interesting one today.

Thank you all for continuing along this journey with me.

SMB...I know it is tough with the children...that is the ONLY reason I am even suggesting that you give him an option to prove himself.

You can tell him right now...this afternoon, that while the list is not complete that at a minimum you are expecting the following...

post nuptial...

polygraph which will address finances as well as infidelity


accurate accounting of where he has hidden money.


IF he is being genuine right now...he will agree to all of these things...if not, he won't. You will have your answers very quickly as to attempting to move forward.

I just sent WS the "requirements list". So, we'll see.

He is going on a business trip tomorrow afternoon until early next week. So I don't know if he will read it and respond before he leaves.

What did you pray for? For your husband to TURN from his ways? For your family to be restored? For God to help you get through this? Sometimes God doesn't speak directly but causes circumstances to change. Maybe God's been speaking to your WH.

You have a "get out of jail free" card as far as the Bible is concerned but... whatever choice you make is one that you AND your children AND your WH will have to live with for the rest of their lives... just as you all will have to live with the choices your WH made.

SMB,

A while back, you asked how one knows when they are ready to be done.

I think you're seeing those 'done' conditions, and possibly even seeing the same results that I experienced: My WH knew I was strong, I meant business, it was time to shape up or ship out. Period.



I did not have any kids at home at the time (both were mid 20's and had confronted WH who then confessed to me last year), but I agreed to give WH one more chance for the sake of someone else, not him or me. (It was the elderly friend I had called that very morning and promised to visit on our 10 day vacation we were leaving for the next day, and I couldn't bear to cancel, knowing I may not get to see her again.)

I now believe it was God's way of answering my prayers in a way that I would be able to accept. Like princessmeggy says, sometimes God works to change things that seemed to be unchangeable. 2 months ago, would you have believed your WH might have thought these things, let alone written them? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

I agree with MEDC....



Give WH the MC session he offered to attend to prove himself for the kids' future.....that way you'll have no regrets. If he was not sincerely remorseful and chooses to give up, you'll be able to look them in their sweet little faces and honestly say you did everything you could to keep your family intact.

If he is broken to the point of being willing to do everything on the list, you'll then have to decide if you want to make the effort to recover with him or to recover alone. Both will take nearly equal amounts of work.

It might be good to read princessmeggy's story (if you haven't) before you decide.

Ace

Just received WS's reply to my "requirements list".

Here it is:

Over the past month I have been visiting marriage builders’ web sight and I understand the policies and the actions he recommends. I already considered most of this before I wrote my first apology to you. I told you I would do whatever it would take.

Hi SMB,

Just wanted to let you know I'm praying for you.....to have peace....to have wisdom.....to have patience. God will provide.

Is your MC familiar with MB concepts too?

Ace

If he is reading the site he is, most likely, reading here. Be cautious that he isn't just doing a dance and doing what you want.

He's scared and this could go 2 ways. He may have finally figured out he is very close to losing you OR he is playing more games.

I would take things very slowly.

I'm not sure, if I were you, I would continue posting day to day progress and requirements. JMHO. Edited to add: By doing so you are giving him a script to follow.

LC

hmmmm

That information doesn't hit me well. This is good and bad.

Good: He may be learning, understanding the devastation he caused you. Learning about himself and what A's are about.

Bad: He's playing the game.

Be cautious SMB. He is probably reading your posts. Don't post anything that you wouldn't want him to know at this point. Yet if he is reading right here, he knows that you are just about done.

So Mr SMB, if you are reading this, lets' hear from you. Start a thread. What have you learned? What are you going to bring to the table? I'd love to chat.

SMB...has he SPECIFICALLY AGREED TO :

A polygraph
A post nuptial agreement
An accurate accounting of the monies he has been hiding

Absent these he is blowing smoke up everyone's [censored].

If he has found this thread and/or is playing games, I do not believe he would have told SMB that he has been reading on the MB site.

Still and yet SMB if I were you, I would not want him to be reading this thread...not until I was sure he is sincere.

SMB, I copied your requirements here for easy reference.

Does it bother you to think that WH is reading here? I think it would almost make it easier. You don't have to try to tell him what the past year has been like for you, he can read the play-by-play here. I always thought that before I would reconcile with my Ex, I would ask him to read my thread.

Here is what I would say to my WH if I was in your shoes.

WH,
I am done, I am tired. I don't have the energy to lift a finger towards reconcilation. If this is something you want, do the work. I have worked myself to the bone, comforting our children, keeping the house running, dealing with the death of my intact family.

You have accomplished many things in your life through hard work and dedication. Are we worth that work to you? This is not some test just to make you chase your tail. I just don't have it in me to save this marriage. Writing this to you seems like a waste of brain cells to me. I have better, more important things to do with my brain cells.

You have a list of tangible actions to take. A manilla folder with some paperwork in it would be an appropriate step. All the talk of moon, spoon and June, means nothing to me. I have carried this family though this past year. If you want this family, you need to carry it in the direction of greatness. Are you a suitable leader for my family?


SMB, you are going to be fine. You know what kind of man you would allow into your family. Your WH may become that kind of man, maybe not. But you don't have to settle for anything less that what you and your children deserve.

I personally believe that a repentant WS is a great mate. I am a repentant FWS. I would never cheat again, not because of what it did to my spouse and family, but because of the spiritual devestation it caused me. I will never allow myself to fall into that spiritual bankruptcy again.

That may sound selfish, but it works for me. If my fidelity is based on my love for my spouse, what happens if I want to believe he is an a$$ (you know how WS can justify things). But if I am faithful because of my reltionship with my higher power, that is impossible to justify my way out of.

It is like being in recovery from substance abuse. You know it is bad for you family and loved ones, but it doesn't click until you hit your personal bottom, just you and the mirror.

Mr. SMB, did you hit that kind of bottom? Or is this just an issue of the affair not working out, or you feeling some guilt, or of post-divorce reality smacking you in the head?

I am praying for your family.

I would hope he wouldn't stoop that low, but he is only 1 week or so out of the A and I would imagine still foggy. We all know what people are capable of while in fogland.

LC

Yes, he has agreed to these things and anything else I ask.

He said he would sign over his entire business if I asked.

I know these are just words, but now I understand what the real deal is. This is the real deal.

He picked me up a few hours ago, and we spent time just talking. I have never seen a man so broken. I know in my heart this is real. I have no doubt.

Don't have much time to post right now.

Don't allow him to move home until all these things are DONE.

SMB,

I hope for your sake this is the real deal. I jumped back in your thread to July and some of this sounds very similar to what he said back then when you did Plan FU to him. Perhaps that is what he was feeling now.

If I were you, I would maybe think about reading this entire thread and make sure he isn't repeating behavior just to work his way back in because he hates being pushed away.

LC

agreed...
schedule the polygraph test for next week
set up an appointment with a lawyer for post nup papers to be signed PRIOR to the polygraph
ask him where the hidden money is and to return it
have the business put in your name as well (if it is profitable)

do all of these things before anything else so that you are protected.

So much has happened over the last few days. But before I go into that, I have to share my own confession.

A few weeks ago, I became very emotionally involved with someone that I have known for a couple months. This relationship quickly turned physical. So, yes, I have to confess my own affair now. I truly never dreamed my husband would be broken and would return. When I reached that point of letting my H go, I gave myself permission to become involved with this man, who I had been attracted to since I had first met him. I won't go into details about that relationship unless you feel it is important to do so. I will say that I am in the midst of the withdrawal I have read so much about here. And although I know that putting my marriage back together is the right thing to do, I am experiencing everything I have read about withdrawal. I know that I will receive many 2X4s on this. I knew that I needed to post about this relationship and was getting close to doing so when my H's newfound attitude starting appearing.

So about the last few days. My H and I spent hours talking Tuesday morning. His brokenness and remorse was overwhelming. You all know that I felt it could not happen. So for me to say that I see it has happened, please believe me when I say it is the real deal. That is the only reason I have chosen to work on my marriage. I could tell you all that he has said and all that he has done, but I am not up for the long typing that will take right now. I will say that I would never have given up my relationship with OM if I had any doubt that H was not sincere. I know that God has broken my H to the point of him being willing to do EVERYTHING on my requirements list and more. He has already gone totally honest and transparent. He is at this point, leading the recovery. He is doing the things I need him to do without my even asking. He has cried for hours everyday, shaking uncontrollably for hours as well. I have never seen someone so broken. He continues to see the consequences of his actions and continues to be broken by them. I am actually concerned for his health at this point.

Tuesday H was scheduled to leave for a business trip for a week. He asked me to go with him, and I said yes. I was hesitant at first, thinking he needs to DO some actions first. But I know in my heart that he stands totally broken and will do whatever I ask. It is an answer to my prayer for months. It is a miracle. Now I must accept it and embrace it. I chose to go on the trip with him for several reasons. 1) I feared for my H being alone. 2) I feared my not being able to go no contact this weekend. 3) I wanted to escape the world with him so that we could truly start a rebuilding.

The decision was a good one. We have done so much work these two days that we could never have accomplished if we were at home.

I am ready for your 2X4s. I know at this moment God's hand is moving in my family in a way that drops me to my own knees.

Well, I guess you weren't paying attention to the MB suggestion that you wait a good 2 years after the divorce before you start any other relationships.

We often see marriages turn around here, even when it seems completely hopeless.

I can't really point the finger at you because I had a ONS a couple years after D-day. I've regretted it ever since and lost a good friend because of it. But mostly I lost a lot of self-respect. However my husband and I divorced, so at least I didn't have the complication of me being unfaithful to my vows to add to the problems.

But anyway, prayers to you. The Holy Spirit DOES convict believers if they stray. I'm really hoping that your husband is sincere. And not only that he is sincere, but that he will put in the effort required.