I just posted on your other thread and this is an eye-opener for me. Like Believer, I can't point any fingers either....I had multiple EAs (well ALMOST EAs) to survive 32 years of ILYBINILWY....but none turned physical for me.

He may be broken now, SMB, but you cannot let your guard down. That's the recipe for multiple D-Days....my husband was behaving exactly like your H was for 3 days after D-Day #1. Within 4 more days, he was reconnecting with her and going further underground. I caught him the next day, and within a week he did it again.

I don't say this to scare you, only to open your eyes as well. Realize you are climbing upon a bucking rollercoaster and you must fasten your snooping seatbelt if you want to avoid his withdrawal weaknesses and the relapses that may be possible.

As for your withdrawal, I'm not sure how to approach that SMB so I'll just leave it up to those with far more experience at this and the grace of God to work the healing miracle you both need.

I am still praying for you.

Ace

And now you have some more problems. You've dragged some poor guy into this mess, and now you are thinking about staying with your husband.

And you've give the OM your heart THIS QUICKLY??????????

Also, I think signing away some assets to you would be a good way for hubby to show that he is sincere. But with your OM in the picture, that would be foolish.

And with bringing the OM in on all this, we still don't know if your husband wants to come back for real or if he is just possessive.

Another problem is that you want to IMMEDIATELY go away with your husband so you won't be tempted to contact the OM. Instead you should be taking your time over months to see if your husband really "gets it".

These are some of the reasons that the Harleys suggest not getting involved for a couple of years.

OK, I just have to ask:

Is he suddenly so remorseful and broken because you told him about the OM you became involved with? Or did he come to you ready to work on recovery before finding out you had an OM?

If it's the former, then I would not be sure he really was ready to reform, maybe just reacting to you getting involved with OM out of jealousy?

I think its a great idea to go away together. This is something Harley recommends too. Go forth, SMB!

SMB

Does your H know about your A? If he doesn't, you are, of course, going to have to tell him. And my problem with that is that he may think that it takes away some of the work he would have had to do on himself. He won't feel "as guilty" because..heck "she did it too". He may never say that, but he may think it. I think it will keep him from doing the deepest digging. It complicates things. He may totally blame himself for your A, and we know that isn't the case. Deep down, you may even feel this, but it was your choice. We're M until we sign the papers. This will hurt you more SMB.

I wish you would have told us. We might have been able to talk you down from that ledge.


So....if you are now committed to your M, first step is honesty. Next, you need to write an NC letter. It'll help you stay away from OM.

You two have alot to work through at this point. Two A's makes it that much tougher. You might want to call the Harleys. They can help you with a plan.

I must admit that this saddens me to say the least. I hate to see more pain piled on top of pain. SMB, Take it slow. Talk with your H. Try to meet eachothers' needs, and eliminate the LBs. This ain't gonna be easy.

As I mentioned in your husband's thread, I have been praying for both of you. SMB, you have had many prayers going up from many people, so this miracle does not really surprise me. Hang in there; it's a tough road to recover, but don't turn back!

I don't know what to say, don't have the experience to advise on this, so please know I'm <<<<praying>>> for all involved.

(((hugs SMB and family)))

This really saddens me SMB. YOU were thinking about what to do with your marriage and felt this would help how???

If you truly never dreamed your H COULD return, why allow the process that has been discussed here to continue? Why not just end it? You came on here talking about how you needed to be open to God changing him...and you are out screwing around at the same time? Very sad.

I truly hope the changes in your H are genuine and that you are able to recover your M. But now I am left to wonder if it is your relationship that is driving this....for both of you. You because you feel guilty about what you have done and for him being afraid that you had found someone else.

This is all a nightmare.

I will support you...but for right now, I am very disappointed in you.

MUCH more difficult, but not impossible.

Fox

Your husband is posting here now? Where? If so, I guess he's already read about your affair. Boy howdy girl, you really complicated matters, BUT... it is still possible for you two to recover (with a ton of hard work). The ride on the recovery rollercoaster is about to begin.

Edited to restate my question:

This certainly is a more complicated situation now. The only thing that will make it worse is if the OM is married. I certainly hope not.

If it's stated somewhere I must have missed it.

SMB,

I've survived where you and your H are now. I was there over three years ago. So you should know it can be done.

In some aspects both of us having A's help recovery. With understanding first hand that it really can happen to anyone if the wrong conditions are present, in a twisted way it "levels the playing field" You are BOTH starting from ground zero.

Some History... I was a self proclaimed WS. I confessed to my W. She then looked down on me, allowed me to exfept 100% blame for failing our M. I agreed with her, she had done nothing to deserve what I did to her. I later found out, she was involved in her own PA the entire time.

She allowed me to claim full responsibility for "OUR" failures. She allowed me to go thru all the depression owning all the blame, While she covered up her own A. This hurt more than any other aspect of being a BS, and you are well aware of the multiple levels a pain I refer to.

I only post this to possibly help you believe you can recover, and initially it may mostly for the sake of the kids... But later, if you both work, you can/will love each other again.

I should also comment, I have often wondered how many people getting help on this board spin a story, leaving out key pieces of the puzzle not wanting to paint a truthful picture of who they really are. Leaving out their own contributions toward a fail or failing M. I say this, because I question if you would have acknowledged this A of yours had your WH/BH not begun reading and/or posting here himself?

Are you getting counselling for your children? Do they know about your affair, as well as your husband's?
I fear you will be in for some major acting out with them trying to process the infidelity, secrets and dishonesty from both parents. They will need both of you to spend a lot of time talking to them, good Christian family counselling, and possibly some IC as well. My prayers are with all of you.

I will get around to posting more about where I am at. But right now, I need you all to help my husband. I truly fear for his health.

For the last 5 days, he has been shaking uncontrollably and crying for hours. He cannot sleep and barely eats. He shook all night long last night.

Last night he stayed up and read most of my posts. Coming face to face with ALL my grief and agony on my posts...it devastated him. And he was already devastated and broken. I know he must go through all of this. As I watch him come to terms with new revelations of the consequences, I fear it is more than he can bare. Please be there for him. The revelations seem to be pouring in on him. He barely processes one, and another hits him. Some about me, some about our children, some about our friends.

I want you to know that he is leading this recovery. He won't give himself down time. He has cleared his cell phone and email records. He has shown me how to check his email and given me passwords. He showed me all three of his accounts. He has written a no contact letter. He wants to get a new cell phone and email account. He told me he believes she will contact him again about items she wants returned, and so he is taking measures to deal with that. I can see that God has removed the scales from his eyes. He has apologized repeatedly to me. He is making a list of people he needs to make amends to. He is quitting all business associations that have taken time away from us. He said he will quit martial arts if I desire, and may even if I don't ask. He said if I want to move, he will. If I want him to sell his business, he will. He said it is WHATEVER I want. He said he never wants to be away from me again. He doesn't want to do anything that I cannot do with him. He said if he needs to work overtime, he wants me to go with him. There is so much more to tell you, but that is a good start.

There is not one tiny part of me that doubts his sincerity. I am afraid he cannot get past his grief and guilt. I am afraid it may kill him. These are his dark days.

I know that God has done all of this. I know that He will complete His good work. I am just overwhelmed watching my husband suffer...and he is overwhelmed facing my suffering.

SMB-- just look at it like a cleansing. The dam has broken. Everything is flooding out. He will be an empty man. My prayer is that the Holy Spirit fills that emptiness and your FWH will become a powerful, Godly man who leads and loves his family and that you and he can show others the way in the future.

As for you, I know you're worried about him right now, but trust me, there will be moments for you too. You guys need to hang tight to either other and to God. Keep looking up towards God and you will find yourselves united in a way you've never been before.

Ace,

Thank you for always being here for me. It always comforts me to see you have posted.

I may be naive, but I don't think my H is dealing with any withdrawal. His affair died a natural death, and he sees her for who she really is. He has shared with me how he came to that point. He sees now that she was only selfish and didn't really care about him. He realizes that if she did, she would never have come between him and his children. She told him over and over all night long when he left, that he could never go back. That if he tried, he would destroy his children even more. When she told him to take my kids from me, and he said he could never do that, she went nuts. That was the turning point for him.

I will be honest, I fear more about MY staying no contact. I believe that I will. I see God being so faithful that I cannot doubt God's hand. He has restored my love for my husband as I see the man I married so long ago. I see my husband adore me again. I know that it is best and in God's divine will for our family to be together. So I believe no contact will stay in place. But I do at times, miss OM. (sorry everyone, I know you're all disappointed). My feelings for OM were sincere. But I know that they are not in God's will.

If I understand correctly, Dr. Harley suggests going away together if at all possible. And part of my decision was based on that.

Was that wrong?? I don't know. It seems to have been the right decision.

He did not know anything about OM when he apologized and asked if there was any possibility of reconciliation. He was willing to do whatever it would take, before he knew anything about my relationship with OM.

When it began to appear that he might be the real deal, I immediately told him about OM. His response remained the same: That he would do whatever it took to restore his marriage.

SMB, I believe your H is sincere too just from the way he sounds on his thread. I agree very much that it is a good idea to go away with him. Dr. Harley does recommend this.

I have encouraged him to burn the trash from the OW, rather than sending it back. That is his property, not hers, and it is nothing more than a filthy token of the affair. The only suitable place for it is the fire. He should burn all tokens of the affair and just send her the no contact letter. If she tries to contact him, then he should not take her calls.

Another important thing will be for him to go to his home group and tell them in a closed meeting what he has done. That will help keep him honest and will help him stay sober. He is very shaky and filled with grief right now, so he needs to take extra precautions to ensure his sobriety. He crossed a serious boundary with his affair so it is not a long step to cross others, ie: drinking.

No, SMB, the affair was killing him. God did not bring him to his knees to kill him, he brought him to his knees to SAVE HIM. God loves fools and drunks! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />


Yes, he will! Recovery is not an easy thing, but it is made possible with 2 willing hearts. God is great. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />