SMB, the question here should be "do I need to do these things to ensure that contact never happens?" That should be the deciding question. If the OW comes to martial arts, then he needs to quit. If your town is so small that their paths will cross, then you should sell the business and move. Every precaution should be taken to avoid this happening again because ANY CONTACT HAS THE SAME EFFECT AS THE FIRST DRINK.

So, sit down and decide what needs to be done to avoid all contact for life. I will leave you with Dr. Harley's wise words [and remember he has been at this for 40 years and has SEEN IT ALL]


SMB, explain to him that merely SEEING HER is the equivalent of taking the first drink, because it will trigger all those feelings again the same as the first drink.

SMB's husband (tst) just revealed that the OM is a married man she met through her CHURCH'S Divorce Care group.

To say I'm disappointed and disgusted is an understatement. All this bandying about of "God" this and "God" that is making me roll my eyes.

SMB, your married OM is NOT a man of great Christian integrity like you told your BS. You're in a HUGE fog if you even think it. A man of great Christian integrity wouldn't be screwing another man's wife.

And this 'spiritually divorced from you' thing you told your husband?

HYPOCRITE!

SMB, did you really say this?

Have you done this for him as well? Have you gotten over your entitlement...really? Because watching him scrambling and giving up everything (especially the business) now that he is a BS as well makes my stomach turn a bit.

YOUR BS is blaming HIMSELF for YOUR AFFAIR. Are YOU making absolutely certain that he understands YOUR AFFAIR is NOT HIS FAULT? Because after reading his thread, I'm not seeing that at all. I hope to GOD that you aren't telling him that it was his fault or inferring it was because he wasn't at home.

YOU ARE 100% TO BLAME FOR YOUR CHOICE. I can't believe I'm actually feeling anger for your husband now after participating in this thread, LOL.

SMB,

I've followed your thread. While I don't think that you made the right decision to get into another R, I understand it because of our vulnerablilites as BS. Jennifer has warned me about it, so I have been very careful. Right now, I just want to be alone, but there have been times when the lonliness is too much. I think that all of us have thought about it at one time or another, its just that some of us are not as strong as others.

I think those divorce groups can be a bad thing if attended by both men and women. It's a recipe for disaster when you put groups of vulerable people together to cry on each other's shoulders.

Anyway, I hope that you are able to recover your marriage as I think it is the right decision for you, tst, and your children. I highly recommend that you call Jennifer. I know that she will guide you through.

I'm cheering for both of you...

smb,

I'm glad my postings brought you comfort. Thanks for that acknowledgement and thanks for being courageous in your confession, knowing how disappointed most of us would be.

I share the 2x4s lofted by most other posters so I see no reason to lodge any more of my own.

But I want to commend you for not just disappearing from these forums. While many of us may feel like we wasted time and effort when you were not straight with us, I'm glad you're still here.

Chailover understands your vulnerability and offered a great solution: Call Jennifer or Steve. Soon.

Solutions, smb....that's what I'm looking for. Take the 2x4s, learn from them, repent, be remorseful, allow for just compensation ~ complicated as it may be ~ and move on. Your 5 innocent children deserve so much more.

Still praying for you.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{smb and tst}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Ace

I have a question about loosing a good friend because of a ONS. Was the ONS with a good friend and after the ONS the friendship ended? The reason I ask this is because I think your experience could help someone else who is thinking about doing this. I know when I was single I had a really good male friend. He was a super nice guy and had strong feelings for me. I kissed him one night and a few times after that. Then I told him I just wanted to remain friends. That upset him and he didn't speak to me for months. (we worked together so this was hard) He did end up talking to me and was friendlier once I met my DH and got engaged but we were never "friends" again. I know this is different than your situation but the outcome was close to the same.

SMB, this personally hurts me to send you this 2x4, but you don't really believe this, do you? What if your H had said the same thing about OW? "Oh she was a christian woman of integrity"...blah, blah, blah. Do you believe that? That is not the truth...by definition alone. No M man or woman who goes and sleeps with another man or woman's S is a person of integrity or honor. How can that person at that time have integrity? Do you think G*d sanctioned this union with the OM?


Own this SMB. It was not your H fault that you went and slept with another man who is still M. There was no integrity in that room that night.

End of 2x4

If you can at this point...offer informatiion to your H about your A. You need to know things, he does too. NOW is the time to get it all out in the open. Don't let it scab over and begin to get infected as time goes by. Ask him what he'd like to know and then answer it as calmly and as truthfully as you can. This will help you both. No secrets.

Don't delay telling the truth. Right now you're feeling the pain from hearing new information, almost like a new DDay. Don't have anymore of them. Get it all out there. Then begin to heal.

Have you written the OM an NC letter yet?

I don't know if this will help or if you are even ready to comfort your husband in this way but here is something we went through. My DH lost his job a few years ago. After 9 months of no job he sunk into a deep depression. Just like your H he had the shakes and was lost. I don't know what made me do it but I just pulled him to me and rocked him. This was a huge help calming him. During those first few weeks I rocked him for hours and he said it was the best medicine he could have had. Some times he would even fall asleep.

Suamico,

I've rocked him, I've held him for hours, I've loved him. I have totally given myself back to my H in every way.



Everyone,

Yes, I really said that. Yes, I said everything tst said I said. (I guess, I haven't been reading his posts)

My H left me REPEATEDLY. He said he hadn't LOVED ME FOR 13 YEARS. Gee, I finally BELIEVED IT AFTER 6 MONTHS OF BASHING.

I got tired, and stopped fighting.

OM's dissolution is final in a month. He was a BS who saw the same dark days as I did. I could go on and on and try to explain, but it is obvious that not a word of what I say will matter here.

Yes, I felt divorced. My husband wasn't there in the middle of the night when my son saw someone in our yard. It was JUST ME on my own. Yes, I felt divorced the day I took off my wedding rings. I was pulling it together for my kids all alone, while I was still wiping my tears.

These last few weeks, there were no more tears. There was hope again. Hope that not ony would I survive, but that I might even be joyful again. I was laughing again, smiling all day long. Enjoying life. I was excited about things again.

But none of this matters, right? Because the man who abandonded me over and over, now gets to call himself a BS, and that makes me scum.

I really don't think I can post here for a while. You can say I am running away, you can say I am in a fog. You can say whatever the he(( you want.

For people to jump on my post now that there something to bash me about. Where were you when I was laying on my bedroom floor sobbing and shaking? NO ONE was there holding me. I am here holding my husband while he sobs and shakes.

Nothing on earth has been more important to me than my marriage and my family. I just reached a point that I finally believe everything my husband told me.

Do I blame my husband for my affair? NO!!!! I told him that from the start. I made the choice to be with OM. Why? Because I wanted to. Would I have done this if H had not walked out on me and convinced me he was totally through with me and never loved me? No. But that doesn't mean I believe it was his fault. I know I made the choice.

I have been open and honest with H. He doesn't want to know anything. I believe at some point the questions will come. And I will answer them.

I considered telling H about it the day the A started. But I figured it really wouldn't matter to him anyway. He would just think I was trying to make him jealous.

There was no one at home waiting for me. How can I have betrayed someone who wasn't even there to betray????


I will do whatever it takes to put my marriage together. I have agreed to do all that H has agreed to.

MEDC, Mel, Ace, Michele,

Thank you for loving me through everything. I know you really do. But I am so hurt. I cannot keep going through this pain over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over.

I have relived my grief, heartache, agony, dispair with every post. I don't have the energy right now to live and post it. That's like living it twice.

I just want to run away.

I won't. Why? Because I'm the one who always stays. I'm the one who always gives. I'm the one who sacrifices over and over. Once in my life, I thought about what I needed, not what my H needed or my kids needed. And I get called a hypocrite.

There are 2X4s and there are people trashing people. I don't need the latter.

What are we going to do with you, girl? SMB,SMB,SMB... I know you have been through holy he11, but it does not entitle you to have an affair. There is no affair entitlement, that is the mentality of the fogbound. Nor is there such a thing as "feeling divorced." You are either divorced or you aren't. Feelings are not truth. Do you know how many fogged out waywards come here speak that foolishness? That is foolish talk, SMB.

This is the last place you should come with that nonsense. We are on your side and are your staunchest supporters, and as such, we are not going to sit there while you speak the looney language of fogbabble.

What you did was wrong, PERIOD, there is no justification. Just admit it, accept it and move forward. But don't try and rationalize it with cheesy rationalizations. The last person those kind of rationalizations will work on is your H anyway, because he has been at the tables with the worlds best rationalizers for years at AA tables. It is much harder to justify the unjustifiable than it is to just admit you were wrong and move forward.

The simple truth is that you had an affair. And the simple truth is that the same steps you are requiring of your H must be implemented BY YOURSELF. You are just as guilty as he is, SMB.

Have you sent the OM a nc letter? Have you changed your life so that you never see him again? Have you answered your H's questions about the affair? Have you told your pastor?

You "needed" an affair? Oh dear Lord...... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Just keep loving each other and holding each other. Touch is an incredible healer. I know you feel ganged up on and need some time to reflect but don't leave for good. People here are supporting both of you as you go through this. Take care,
suam

Mel,

I cannot get past this thought. He wasn't there to betray. I was alone.

If you remember, MEDC, I reached a point where I said I was now just waiting out my 3 months so that I could file in the county my H lived in because my county is not very kind to SAHM's. I was going to file IMMEDIATELY on Dec. 1. I had stopped fighting for recovery.

But none of this really matters anymore though, does it.

Thank you for your continued support. I am sorry to have disappointed you. You have often kept me going when I didn't think I could pull myself up off the floor again.

And you well know that is pure foolishness. A person doesn't have to be in the vicinity to be betrayed. Using your "logic" he didn't betray you either because he had moved out and you "weren't there."

Please stop. You are embarrassing yourself.

Fine. I stop.

(((((((SMB))))))

I know you are in pain. I'm not trying to add to it. I knew you would respond like this and I can understand why. No one here thinks you are scum. We are here to support your M. Always have been, even when you didn't think there was hope. We still are here for you. We want to make sure you are honest with YOURSELF.

I doubt there is a single BS on here who hasn't thought about going elsewhere for comfort. The thought crossed my mind too. But I saw (on this board) a few cases where a second A came into play and it added SOOOO much more pain to both the BS and WS. I'm just sorry that you have more to deal with now.

And I know RIGHT NOW, you both are feeling emotions that are off the scale. Please don't run. We want to help you through this part of recovery. It seems to lead itself, but we want to make sure you own what's yours, he owns what's his (which is the majority hands down). You want a clean slate...a new beginning.


We understand, but this was your justification. It was your entitlement. That's all. It's not a reason to break your vows.


(((((SMB)))))))


Stay.

Thanks..

You mean the vows that got thrown on the ground and trampled all over? Those vows?