SMB,
You are very angry and defensive right now. I think you need some time to reflect. Remember, 2 wrongs don't make a right.

Yes Hon, those vows. But the ones that YOU took were still in tact. His vows, he demolished.

I know you are angry. And it seems like we are turning against you. We're not. You were hurting, it seemed over. I am so sorry that you had lost hope.

We all understand the WHY.

You made a decision...that's what it was. It was based on pain, fear, anger, loneliness, you name it, I'm sure you felt it. It just wasn't a good decision.



What you are doing now, is what counts. Your love for your H is returning.

Nurture it.

Take a breather. We'll be here.

Yes, they were trampled on by both of you. First him and then you.

what is that odd sound? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

SMB, I have never posted to you I don't think. Please stop even thinking you have any justification and stop rationalising what you did please. As Mel said, just own it yourself and then you can both move on.

As a Christian Lady, why did you even think it was OK to screw this OM anyway?

B,
Although I agree with you this is a bit harsh.

Praying for you, SMB.

I can understand your being drawn to 'comforting' temporary solutions. But it does not make it right.

What do you want, SMB? If you want your marriage (and it sounds like you do), own your errors, ask for forgiveness sincerely and seek help so you can begin to recover.

tst needs you more than ever now. Your justifications will only impede your progress because it keeps you knotted up and does not allow for any healing to take place.

I understand your desire to leave the boards. I did after Mel and others 4x8ed me regarding delayed exposure. But I did it to seek professional help and ended up calling Dr. Harley's radio show at his and Mrs. Harley's request after they read my email addressed to MB staff.

Please call MB and seek professional help via Jennifer or Steve or Dr. or Mrs. Harley on the live radio show. It's even free and they send you a book of your choice afterwards.

SMB, it feels harsh, but it is tough love and given because we care. Please accept it in that way.

Continuing to pray for you,

Ace

But that is an accurate depiction of what SHE DID. The TRUTH is very harsh! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

She is defensive and rationalizing her affair with OM because she wants to run from the guilt of admitting she had an affair on her husband with a married man.

SMB, all you need to do is accept that you made a mistake, admit it, and do your penance for that mistake. Write a NC letter to OM and work on things with your husband. Then your guilt will go away. Don't think that I haven't been in your same shoes. I desperately wanted to feel wanted. Maybe the reason that I didn't have an affair myself is because I was never presented with the opportunity. I know how vulnerable I was. It's okay to make a mistake.

I think that all the posters here are trying to do is ensure that you truly have NC with this OM for life and that he doesn't interfere with your recovery efforts, like you wondering "what if" and other things like that which will only get in the way of recovery. We are trying to help you get through your own withdrawal and navigate through recovery. You need to step up and own your own mistake before true recovery will take place. I'm sure that your WH had his own emotional divorce from you and reasons why it was okay to have an affair with another woman. It's black and white. There is not justification or rationalization.

Thanks folks.

This morning I just experienced what is probably the worst D-day yet, as I learn that OW met my FIL, StepMIL, and both SILs. No one said ANYTHING about me!!! They smiled and chit chatted. FIL even hugged the b(tch, sl*t, wh*re. These were people I have been close to, that I considered MY FAMILY.

I spent an hour on the floor of the shower shaking and sobbing.

So I come here, feeling like I am back at my first D-day, feeling everything I've ever felt these last 6 months, but this time, I've been betrayed by not just my H but those that I believed were my family.

What do I find here? Questions like the above.

Gee, how do I answer that??!! As a Christian man/woman, why do you think it's OK to question my Christianity? That's rhetorical. Don't bother to answer.

MEDC, where are you. Please help me get through this d-day. I feel like I can't get back up from this one.

I don't want ANYONE in. I don't want H here for me. I can't let my guard down. I feel there is no safe place, no safe person.

I just want God to give me a friggin' break and take me now. I told him I couldn't go back to this dark place. I told him weeks ago, I didn't want my marriage any more because I couldn't go back here. WHY IS HE MAKING ME GO THERE?! There is too much pain. I feel like it's never going to stop hurting.

Oh, let me not forget...

OW will probably call today or tomorrow. She knows H will be returning today. When he ended it 2 weeks(??) ago, she said she wanted her stuff back and wanted him to fix her car (body repair). Said he owed it to her for hurting her so badly. He's not going to do this, of course.

But she will call. She may even show up at work. We have switched cell phones. He will keep mine, I will keep his. But quite honestly, I am not up for this freakin' call.

This nightmare will NEVER end. I didn't want to be back in this horrible place, spending months here, or longer.

SMB...I am right here. {{{{SMB}}}}}

Let go of these past issues for right now SMB. Focus only on what is ahead of you. You both are recovering from an affair.

I have a strong opinion about ANYONE that enables an affair....this includes family or anyone else. They need to go. BUT...and this is a big but here...what was your WH telling them? Did they KNOW she was more than a friend? Did your H tell them that in no uncertain terms the marriage was over? This can all be discussed with them at a later time. For right now...it is time for both you and your H to rise above some of this drama....IF YOU WANT YOUR M TO CONTINUE (which I frankly wouldn't after everything that has happened). In reading some of the things that have been posted though SMB, you helped create some of the negativity with some things that were said to WH.
While I never would have faulted you for getting friendly (not sexual) with the OM if you had truly ended your M...that was not the case. You need to take ownership of that...write your NC letter to this "Christian" man....puke.... and NEVER speak to him again.

So, what do you want to do? Bottom line is the details of what has happened to you are horrible and above repair in my eyes. But you are the one that counts here. If you want this to work out, you need to find a place to put this stuff and process it in time through therapy. Right now, the immediate focus needs to be on where you two are headed.

I will also tell you that I am concerned about your views on what God wants...or what His hand in all of this has been. I have seen people on this board use God for a crutch....IMHO, the Lord would be very clear in His answers to your prayers....and I have yet to see you and your husband truly surrender to His will. If you had, you never would have found yourself in bed with that man. I don't have a problem with BK's comment....it is a valid question...even if you were single. It is perfectly okay for that question to be posed to you and your failure to see that worries me at this time.

So, if you want out...you should just get out. But I suspect that you want to recover...then take the first steps now. STOP the affair talk completely until you two have established rules and a safe place to have these talks. Assume the worst has happened...because it has. Nothing should surprise you at this point. Develop a plan either with the Harley's or a MC. Work that plan and grow. It is time to stop giving grief such a complete foothold in your life IMO.

the phone numbers need to be changed immediately...stop allowing her drama into your lives.

Also, have a lawyer send hera certified letter to inform her that any additional contact will be met with a legal action for harassment.

Have you written a NC letter?

MEDC,

Yes, they knew she was the sl*t who was destroying their grandchildren's lives. But they just wanted H to be happy. Guess they didn't give a sh(t what would make the 5 children who call him daddy happy.

We will change our numbers as soon as we return. I will write my NC letter today, probably on the plane.

H said he wants to contact the Harley's for counseling.

MEDC, I know you feel I should have divorced long ago. Sometimes I wish I had just done it right away. But I told God and myself all along that if He broke H, truly broke H, before we were divorced, I would do whatever it takes to keep my family together. I expected his heart to stay cold and hard for many years. I have no doubt that he is broken. This is why I am back in this marriage. It is the only reason.

SMB...do you see a problem with the different way that you are describing the affair partners involved in your M? Why is the OW a slut...and your om a good Christian?
Also, have you considered that you are also the OW? Do you plan on communicating the affair to the om's bw?

SMB,

Calm down, take a deep breath, and step back from the drama for a second. If you would take a step back in time about 3 months ago, you would say this is exactly what you wanted, your husband broken, agreeing to NC, and all other marital conditions you may have. Well then, what has changed? Well, for one, not being able to completely go to plan B allowed your love bank to drop to a negative balance, and two, your relationship with OM occurred. Those are the only two differences.

Now you need to take a calm, rational, MB approach to fixing these two problems. First and foremost, you need to have NC w/ OM for life. Your situation will not improve until about 2-3 months after NC w/ OM, so be patient. Your husband will also have a few months of withdrawal as well before he can fully focus on recovery, but he has a few week headstart. Then you need to make yourselves a safe place for each other by avoiding LBs, so you two can start making love bank deposits. Once your FWH makes enough deposits in your love bank, you will feel confident that you made the right decision in sticking with your marriage, even though it is going to be difficult at first.

SMB, I want you to know that no one is casting stones at you, so please, stop being defensive. We are trying to get you out of your own fog, so that you can experience recovery more quickly. Carrying some of the attitudes that you have taken toward members of this board will only hamper your recovery efforts. Just calm down, relax, and follow the MB plan. It will lead you to where you need to be. Just be patient.

OM wife is a WW. OM told her right away. She didn't care. She considers them divorced.

and you KNOW this how? because a man...a Christian man that would betray his faith and marital vows told you so? SMB...you have seen this type of thing hundreds of times on this site...you know what needs to be done.

Yes, I see the difference. I see OW as someone who wiggled her way into an intact marriage. I see that H lied and sneaked, and f#cked her and then came home to me that same night. I see OW telling H to leave me.

How is OM different? It seems like a world of difference to me. Sorry, that is honestly how I feel. I'm not going to even go there, though, and describe why, because I know that anything I say about him will only be seen as my justifying and defending a man you all feel is trash. And as Mel said, I will just embarrass myself.

I am sure I am in my own fog. I've read enough here to know that. But I don't think I'll ever see OM the way I see OW. The circumstances were sooooooo different. Yes, we both broke our vows.

Gotta go to the airport, now.