And SMB, OM is a WH...We all KNOW that waywards LIE...So you don't KNOW that he told his wife...You need to tell OMW...Will you do that?

And SMB, my heart aches for you...I'm not posting out of anything but empathy...(((SMB)))...

Mrs. W

I have the same questions. You do realize that the OM's wife has every right to consider you the same kind of sl*t and wh*re that you consider your WH's girlfriend to be?

SMB, I hope you contact the Harleys ASAP. The boards here can provide some support, but I think that fixing this one is going to take some serious professionals and is beyond the scope of an Internet message board.

To anyone else reading this thread, especially new folks: This is exactly the reason why the Harleys strongly advise any BS to stay out of new relationships for something like *two years*, even AFTER the divorce is final. Someone who has been through the trauma of betrayal is often in a kind of fog of their own and can make some extremely foolish choices.

This may be salvagable, but now there is twice the mess to clean up. Please do get professional help with this one.

And your OM's betrayed wife deserves to know, since his divorce was not final any more than yours was. What makes you think his wife didn't want him back? Because HE said so? You, also, shouted to the hills that you did NOT want your WH back, and look what happened.

You have no idea what was really going on with your OM concerning his wife, any more than he knew what was really going on with you concerning your WH.

Please get real help. As I said, now you have twice the mess to clean up and you will need professional help to even begin to do that.
Mulan

SMB...You gotta stop differienting between OM and OW...They seriously are NOT different...And I understand your "reasoning", because I've lived the fog...Satan is a crafty guy...He has a way of dressing things up so that your sin looks all shiny and pretty...but we KNOW that God doesn't see it that way at all...All sin to him is equally dirty...Don't try to mitigate or keep score SMB...Neither of those things will help your marital recovery, which is the goal, right?

Mrs. W

SMB, I'm telling you, holding on to those views will only hamper your recovery efforts. Cleanse yourself of this attitude and focus your energy solely on your recovery.

SMB, I've followed your agonizing story for a few months. I feel so much sorrow for you right now. I think everyone here is right that you are in your own fog right now and are not really seeing that you did something wrong with that OM. I don't want to add to your pain, and I feel sure you will come out of this. But I did want to share a story that might make you understand WHY seeing a married man (even though seperated and on his way to divorce court) is so so wrong.

My brother was seperated from his first wife (and mother of his two children) because they could not get along. My brother's FOO fully supported reconciliation and felt sure it would happen as things settled down and the dust settled. Unfortunately, 'friend's' of my brothers thought a girl they knew would be perfect for my brother. They introduced the two and within 2 weeks my brother was sleeping with this girl and he filed for divorce. That marriage lasted 5 years and now he is on his 3rd marriage. Everytime I think of how close my brother and his wife were to getting back together I just feel ill. His poor children now suffer a broken home and multiple step parents. IF ONLY my brother had not started seeing her. IF ONLY those 'friends' had respected the institution of marriage. IF ONLY that OW had refused to 'see' a married man.

My brother refuses to admit he would probably have got back with his wife. And the OW (who became #2 wife) would NEVER admit she played a part in breaking up a marriage. But they were wrong. And his poor children suffer the most for that foolishness.

And you were wrong. I have sympathy for the pain you've been in, just as I had sympathy for my brother doing without SF and affection while he was seperated from his wife.

I don't know if your OM and his wife would have gotten back together. But what they two of you did was wrong.

(((SMB))))

Is anyone besides me concerned about the children. If I remember correctly they are home schooled. If there is all this drama around them, who is teaching the lessons?

SMB,

Is your children's schooling a priority right now? If not, have you considered other options until you and your H get some stability?

LC

SMB,
When does a "good Christian man " go to bed with a woman that is not his wife?
I will not throw stones, I am saying I have been in your shoes being a BS. I know the hurt and anger and I longed for some one to hold me etc. I tried for two years to keep my marriage together. I know your pain. I would not even Date a woman untell my Divorce was final.

God has answered your prayers.
You need to show your children that you are greatful that God has answered your and their(childrens) players. And for you and H there is 1 John 1:9

Blessings

AF

Just curious,
were they actually Heading for a real D ......or is this just something that was supposed to be understood between them??

By the way,
I'm not here to get on you.
For one thing,
I'm one that Does see a Distinction as to whom cheats first [with limits, mind you].
Unpopular view? Probably.

Is it still a poor choice? Absolutely!
Is it wrong? yep
But when its the BS turning it around, I take it on a case by case basis as to how far to throw them under the bus, so to speak.

With that said mamma bear,
it [blame] makes little difference in How you reconcile your own marriage and work on yourself.
You've still got to work through the process, just like your H.
Only Now its even more difficult, since you've both driven off into a ditch.

Aside--( I respect others to feel there is NO excuse, reason, ect., to step out of marriage, regardless of the situation - until a D is Final)

Again,
I don't recommend or condone it,
but in certain circumstances .....I Understand.
Guess I need to read more to determine if this is one of those times or not.

SMB,

I'm behind both you and your husband. I would love to see you guys together because you both want that same objective. However, I've bolded your response to show you where you're getting into "fogged" thinking.

Yes, I see the difference.
Sure, there's a difference, she's a woman and he's a man. Other than that both parties OW, and your OM and interfering in YOUR marriage.

I see OW as someone who wiggled her way into an intact marriage.

The marriage wasn't "intact" I say this not to hurt you but indicate that there were emotional needs not being met. Whil, yes you two wrote vows to be together I understand that part. You are allowing your desire to ruin the chance of having that intact marriage again but this time it can be so much better than before.

I see that H lied and sneaked, and f#cked her and then came home to me that same night.

It's all lying and sneaking if the other person doesn't know about it. That's why it hurts so damn much.

I see OW telling H to leave me.
If you continue down the path your on the OM will ask the same.


How is OM different?
He's a man and the Ow is a woman otherwise very little difference.

It seems like a world of difference to me.
Notice the word seems your basing your ideas and notions on what you feel rather than thinking things out and saying hmmm why is it different? It's different to you because you've rationalized it as such.

Sorry, that is honestly how I feel.
That's the same line your WH used hundreds of times. He was doing things based on how he felt rather than using rational thinking and comprehending the consequences of his action.

I'm not going to even go there, though, and describe why, because I know that anything I say about him will only be seen as my justifying and defending a man you all feel is trash.

Substitute the word woman for man and again that's probably exactly what your WH said.

And as Mel said, I will just embarrass myself.
All WS are embarssed which makes all the more hard to say it and stand up against your embarrassment.

I am sure I am in my own fog.
You are and it's somewhat promising/dishearting to hear that you recognize this.

I've read enough here to know that.
Good then you've also read that the people here know what you're going through on both sides, so listen to them!

But I don't think I'll ever see OM the way I see OW.
Dress it up how you like. But the OW=OM because they are doing the same thing keeping you from your husband and your husband from you.

The circumstances were sooooooo different.
Yes but there's one constant they (OM and OW) are killing your marriage.

Yes, we both broke our vows.
If your marriage is to work you need to make new vows and have a new relationship and realize that it's going to be a crazy mountain to climb but the rewards are worth it. You just need to get out of the fog and and understand not everyone gets a second chance. That's a blessing that shouldn't be overlooked.

SMB,

I thought I was too inexperienced to post in this thread, but i do have experience somewhat looking back at my parents M.

My dad was an alcoholic who had affairs.

My mom suffered a series of deaths in her immediate family beginning with her older sis' death when my mom was 15. By the time my mom was 23 both of her parents were dead and she had no living immediate family, nor grandparents. There were other issues from my mom's FOO. As a result my mom has always been terrified of being alone.

My mom and dad were separating at one point and my mom had an affair with a coworker. Looking back as an adult and understanding how my mom is, I can see why.

I was reading some of your earlier posts when you first started MB. One thing I can see is the pattern of perceived loneliness/aloneness for both you and your H being a major factor in your choices for betraying your M vows.

I'd recommend that you put the R on hold and get into IC so you can figure out why you're so afraid of being alone. I wish my mom had done the same.

You and H both need to come out of the fog. But I'm pretty sure what your M is going through is more about personal issues than about the M itself.

GL

Jewel

SMB,

Please, PLEASE call the Harleys tomorrow. You two need a professional. You need a plan. They are the best.

I know you are struggling. And I am so sorry for your IL's betrayal. They have NO IDEA what they did to you. But before you confront them about it, give yourself some time.

(((((((((SMB)))))))))))

You don't have to be sorry, sexymamabear. You husband LEFT; he was GONE. There is a world of difference between what happened between your H and that OW and what happened between you and OM, NO DOUBT about that. You know that, your husband knows that. In no way am I saying that your affair with this OM was something you should be proud of. The truth is, it was low, but nowhere near the low compare to your H's affair.

Now, it seems clear that your H is devoted to you 100%. Cut all contact with the OM, change church, and this marriage may work out.

With regards to your H's family, be nice and pleasant to them becasue they are your H's family, but don't keep them close.

Nice, BumAdvisor, fuel her rationalizations for her affair. sigh.....

You know what? There will come a time when her fog wears off and she will remember you told her what she wanted to hear instead of the truth. You are a menace to this board, BA. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Here Here Mel! BA, I would DESPISE you now if you had done this to me when I arrived here spewing fog...Your advice will NOT help SMB to recover her marriage, which is her GOAL...It is obvious that you have NO CLUE what you are talking about and it's also clear that you don't care that you are actually doing HARM here at MB...Go away you troll!!!

Mrs. W

BA, did you read the mods post to you over on Charlotte's thread? Justuss admonished you for your destructive little posts:


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...art=39&vc=1

You are not helping here, BA, you are hurting people. Why not go give your "best advice" over on the general denistry board where the people are not in such despair? These ppl come here in dire straights, many on the verge of the nervous breakdowns. They come here to find out about MARRIAGE BUILDERS principles, not the contradictory, convoluted "advice" of some anonymous self appointed "best advisor" who just showed up 2 weeks ago. Please leave these people alone, BA. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

BA... MM.... same troll? hhmmmmm

Posts seems strangely familiar.

They do! Don't they?

I'm working on the troll thing.

Linguistic analyses are difficult to escape, guys - so if BA and MM are the same, they will be busted.

I knew she reeked the very first time I read it. At first I thought sweetsobriquet had yet another persona, but it wasn't quite so ingratiating (or nerve grating).

Let me check on MM.

SB

SMB

I wasn't going to join the fray here but I just wanted to say something that has been overlooked in all of this.

It isn't these "idiots" who say that there isn't a difference between what you did and what your H did. It's God.

Please hang in there-this isn't intended to be a 2X4.

God didn't put the commandment "Don't commit adultery" in His word because He wanted to ruin our fun or even to keep us from finding comfort. He did it because He knows how destructive A's are.

Your H's A has been very destructive to you, your kids, your family, your respect for him as a man etc. The level of your H's remorse and repentance is showing that he is suffering for the "level" of his sin.

Yours has been destructive in a different way. It was destructive because you weren't in a place where you could truly give your heart to the OM. As long as you were not D'd, there was always the possibility that your H would return-which he did. Also, it has now been destructive to your recovery because it has inserted another "third" party between you two.

Does God forgive? Absolutely and completely. But not if you are standing there saying "...but his was worse...mine wasn't the same because of what he did...this was a real relationship..." God can't forgive you because you aren't really asking Him to if you are justifying/rationalizing or in any way not owning it.

Here's the best promise in all this: the promise that " All things work together for good..." after all, if He could turn the death of His son into something good for the whole world, He can certainly make something good come from this.

I hope this hasn't seemed like a 2x4. It wasn't meant that way.

BA not equal to MM IMHO.


Still looking.

I think it smells "sweeter". That person has some writing skills, and is able to write as a woman or man. I have a small clue from an older post. BRB.

SB