Yeah, but then essentially telling her that it was OK that she cheated because her husband is just sos awful, blah, blah, blah... THAT sounds like it was designed to encourage her fantasy of being with the OM.

Get this through your head, BA.

You are NO BEST ADVISOR.

Dr. Harley is the BEST OF THE BEST.

HE KNOWS what he is doing. YOU do NOT.

There is a very grammatically incorrect saying that I've often heard, but it certainly fits you: "You are just eat up with the dumb @$$".

That means you are a "know-it-all" who knows nothing about the subject at hand.

The BEST thing you can do for hurting people is to get the holy heck away from them.

This is my first (and only) post to you, BA1.

Please quit threadjacking SMB's thread. Go and post on your own thread started just for you by princessmeggy. It's called "Question for Best Advisor" on the GQII forum. I even linked it for you. PLEASE take this discussion over there.

***

Sexymamabear.....I'm soooo sorry we may have diverted attention away from your pain and suffering. We are here for you as long as you need us.

Ace

How about you leaving her alone? Haven't you done enough damage?

You have been on my mind today, SMB. Just wanted you to know I am praying for you and your family. Hang in there!

Thanks all for jumping on the threadjacking thing. Please note that BA has posted to H today.

I haven't had the energy to post here these last few days. I am handling things better, but there isn't much extra energy left (or time really, cuz H wants to be with me anytime he isn't at work--don't mind that though).

I am doing well mostly, but do have moments of deep despair as I still have to face many hurtful reminders.

I feel that our trip away for the week helped us "jumpstart" recovery. It gave us uninterrupted time to talk, cry, and pray. And when we exhausted ourselves, we could collapse as needed. There was no one else around that we needed to tend to. That was a good way to start.

I wanted to update you all about what H and I have been doing since we returned. We had made a list of to-do items while we were away, and H has been leading the process of completing these tasks.

The first night back home, H wanted to make amends to my parents and to his cousin and wife (if you remember, they were major supporters of me and my children). That was a very draining night for us both, and really was emotional for H and for my mom. Both visits were positive, with hugs, encouragement, and support from all. That is not to say it was easy. Both parties asked pointed questions to H, which he answered honestly. It was beautiful, in a very painful way, to see him so honest.

The next morning, H had a list to accomplish before we were reunited with children. So we went to the bank, and he tried to close his personal account. It hasn't been opened long enough yet to close, so he added my name to it and gave me the checkbook. We will now be using our joint account only.

We then both got new cell phone numbers.

H gave me the keys to his condo and promised to never go there without me.

We went to his condo that same day. The first visit we loaded up some kitchen items to bring home for me to sort through. As we walked through, I had questions for him that he answered. It was really hard standing there staring at the bed that they shared at times. It was painful to know that she woke up there with him next to her.

We came back there later, but I can't even remember why. Waiting for him was a package from OW. He opened it, which I wanted him to do. She had sent back his body pillow that he left at her place. The same body pillow that I have laid next to for years. There was also a note in it from her. He immediately wadded the note up, but I insisted he give it to me. I wanted to see what she had to say. In the note, she thanked him in advance for fixing her car and told him how hard the "Vegas" week had been for her (he had bought her a ticket last month and then refunded it). H threw away the pillow and the few items around that had come from her. I know many of you will say he should not have opened the box and that I should not have read the note. But I am grateful that I did read the note, because it proved to me what I sensed anyway...she will not go away easily.

I mailed his NC letter to her.

His first day back at work, I struggled all day with wanting to call her. I made a list of what I wanted to say and called that afternoon. I wanted to make it clear to her that:

1. H had been welcomed home (because all through these months, she has told him over and over, that he could never go back because he would destroy his children).

2. Her car was NOT going to be fixed by H. But I didn't want H to have to have any contact with her to make this clear.

So the call went like this. I told her WE enjoyed our Vegas trip (yes, I know, a jab). Returning pillow was not necessary as it is now in the trash. H will NOT be fixing her car. She is not to contact us ever again and we are taking legal measures to ensure that.

She tried to talk, and I almost gave her the floor. Then I realized that just because she interrupted doesn't mean she gets to speak. So I cut her off, continued through my short list, then hung up. Our phone shows up as restricted as it is unlisted, so she doesn't have our number.

I immediately called H and told him about the conversation. I expected that she would call him at work. And she did. She called twice and had a friend call, too. But H had already told his receptionist that he was taking no calls that day. He also told all who answer the phone that OW is NOT to be put through to him ever. She left voice mails and so did her friend. H said as soon as he heard the voice, he hit delete and didn't listen to the messages.

There is still the possibility of her showing up at work, which I am emotionally prepared for. I am expecting it and have told H that I expect it.

We have an appointment with lawyer next week for post nup and for a letter to her like MEDC had recommended about any further contact being harrassment.

H calls and texts me several times throughout the day. I love that. He used to do that a lot and I had missed it greatly.

H has met with 3 different people (2 at work and 1 in his Bible study). He confessed and asked for their support. He gave them each permission to speak into his life. He then called me while he was with them, so that they could each talk to me and tell me what he had told them--for full accountability. This is all stuff he has done on his own. Stuff that wasn't on my list, that he came up with and followed through on.

Other things that have been completed on our list: Family counseling appointment scheduled with the counselor who has been working with our children over the last few months. Marriage counseling appointment scheduled with my counselor.

H wants to do counseling with my counselor and with the Harley's.

H printed off all kinds of questionnaires for us to fill out from this website (not just the emotional needs one).

I have pulled SAA back out, as he has asked to read it with me for real this time.

H has blocked email from OW to his business.

I have written NC letter and gave it to H. I asked him to let me know what changes he would like me to make.


Where is my mind at this point?

I believe we will fully recover. I know it will take a very long time and it will, at times, be incredibly painful. But we are both committed to recovering our marriage, healing our hearts, and having a better marriage than we ever thought possible.

I know that my A was wrong and that I broke my vows. I still can't come to terms with the idea that my A was as hurtful to him as his was to me; the situation was so different and you all know that...maybe in time I'll see it differently.

SMB,

How are your children doing? I am genuinely concerned for them due to the complex circumstances of your situation. Did you see my question to you regarding their education process?

You said you are unlisted, check zabasearch.com and make sure you don't come up. I know several people who pay to be unlisted and still show up on there.

We all know how easy it is to get ahold of unlisted numbers, don't fool yourself that she won't find it if she wants it.

Good luck.

LC

I just have one thing to say, you didn't mention much about you and your OM. How are you ensuring that there would be NC. You cannot expect him to say away by just telling him to change church; that's not enough. You need to take actions by you changing church. That's not too much to ask, is it? If you really want to be fair to both you and your H.

Good for you SMB,

I think everyone here was worried about you.

It will be a very painful and difficult process and there will be times were both of you may want to quit or say enough but those are the times that one or both of you need to pick up the slack.

You've gotten that rare second chance cherish it and keep it in mind when you are so ver low. There is a light at the end of the tunnnel you just need to work incredibily hard to reach it.

LC,

Thanks for your concern about my children. They are actually doing quite well under the circumstances. But I am not foolish. I know they have a lot to work through.

They started counseling a couple months ago, and as I posted above, I have made a family counseling appointment with their counselor. I called her and explained what was happening, and asked her suggestion in how to proceed. She wants to meet with H and me to go over what to expect from the children, what they might be dealing with and how to help them. Then we will schedule a family session that we will all attend. After that, she said she may want to work with some or all of the kids individually, if any appear to need that. Either way, we will continue with some form of counseling for the family, either as a group or individually.

As far as school, I've been homeschooling for 13 years and my oldest began community college his jr. year in high school. We have been through a lot through the years. Although none of those times have been with such an intense level of stress, there have been many periods of emotional/physical stress. We have at times adjusted our school schedule to accommodate our life situations. For example, when I was due with a baby in the fall, we schooled through the summer so we could take the fall off as a "summer" break. Most years, we school all year long anyway, to allow for times that life demands more of me.

My kids schooling will continue to be a priority in my life. If I ever find myself unable to teach, I do have a friend who has volunteered to teach them temporarily. Her kids are grown and in college now, and she homeschooled all the way through. But, I believe if I was going to be too emotionally crippled to school my children, that would have been last spring when my husband's lies were destroying all that I believed.

I will check out zabasearch. But the truth I have accepted is that since my H owns his own business, he can never go "completely dark" to her. If she chooses, she will always be able to contact him through his business one way or another.

Quite honestly, I do have some fear about her wacking out and doing something to physically harm me, my children, or my husband. I would think that all BS's see this as a possibility, right? Especially when the WS has left the home for a time to be with OP.

Instead of what you wrote above, a simple "thank you" would have been nice for the fact that I've been defending you for the past few days and as a result a whole thread was started by someone just to bash me.

SMB...you have sought me out for advice...here's a bit for you now...put BA on ignore. You are fragile enough without having to deal with bum advisors words. Kick this troll to the curb.

MEDC,

Please check out BA's response to H's post.

I make it a point to look at registered dates when I read something posted. When it is someone relatively new, I keep in mind that they have not been here long and may not understand MBer philosophy. My H may not realize that. I didn't post here for months, because I didn't feel qualified.

I recognize that much of my postings over the last week have been quite emotional. I have been reeling from the shock that H has actually been totally broken (something I truly did not expect), on top of the emotions that go along with details I have learned through our discussions, and then there's my own fogginess. Yes, it has been very emotional. I feel calmer since we returned home, but that doesn't mean I am off the roller coaster. I know I'm stuck on that ride again for a while.

H just called. He is on his way home. 1 1/2 hours earlier than he ever used to come home from work!

He told me today that never again will I be 2nd in his life to anything.

I believe you will recover, too, SMB. What a JOY it is to read your post. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{SMB}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

That must have made you feel good.

SMB,

You have gotten such wonderful advise from the established board members here, and I cannot add much to that. I believe that, as long as you make the RIGHT decisions, which can be ever so hard, you WILL make it.

AS Lousygolpher said to me, YOU CAN DO THIS!

You two are in my thoughts.

SMB, your post totally made my day. I've had a particularly difficult and depressing week, and reading your words reminded me once more of how God can work in any situation. Thank you for coming back and letting us know what's happening. I truly believe yours will be one of the "success stories" on MB, that will bring hope to hundreds of other couples for years to come.

Amen to that!

H, kids, and I went out this evening. Ran an errand, went out to dinner, and went to H's condo to pack up some food and some of the kids things.

Being there does something to me. I just want to close up. Actually, I do close up. I go somewhere in my head where I am alone, and I work through the pain on my own.

Is that wrong??? I know it kills H to see me do this.

I can be there for him when he is hurting, but I can't let him be there for me yet. I know, it's really early in all of this.

I have to "go there" alone. It's what I need to get through it.

H told me a little while ago that it breaks his heart to see what he has put into my eyes. I know it hurts him deeply when I "go there". Then I feel bad that he feels bad. But it's still the way I need it to be right now. There are some things I have to work through on my own...I have to face on my own.

Am I making any sense??

hire someone to pack that place up...donate everything to charity...you don't need to go back there...it is torture that can be avoided. not eveyr obstacle in life needs to be run through....some can just be avoided.

SMB...stay away from that place.

What do you mean when you say "I have to go there." You don't have to go there; you don't need to go there; it won't benefit you by going there. Let him be there for you if you do go there. You have to try to let him in.