Agreed.

Just because I had not posted to you in the past, does not mean I'm not familiar with your thread.

I've been on this board awhile, and my post count does not reflect that, for numerous reasons. I do not consider myself an MB mentor or guru. I only post to you due to my own similar sitch.

I believe that I can relate to the He(( you are experiencing.

I would summarize by saying: The death of the father I loved dearly paled in comparision to the pain I suffered 3 years ago. It was also the only time in my life I considered death as better option than to continue living. I believe to this day, if not for my kids... What would I have done?

Sound about right?

I think I can read between the lines here. I apologize if I've offended you. I wish you and your H a long and happy M.

-JKT

JKT,

Yes, that sounds about right. Sorry you have been here, too.

My kids are the only reason I kept going.

Thank you for posting again. I am trying to not be offended, knowing that everyone is posting out of love and concern. But my emotions are very raw again.

There is much your H has to do to in order to support your recovery. I get the impression he is 100% onboard with that.

You have clearly suffered more. So had my W...

I make the recommendation you try not to compare A's.

Even if it seems unfair, "Try" to be as supportive and understanding as you would like him to be...

I assure you this will assist BOTH of you toward recovery.

I thought I would add... Reading and writing this helps me reflect on the past. I am going home early to make dinner, do some laundry and give my wonderful W a long hug and a kiss.

Thank You SMB.

-JKT

BTW, my kitchen is basically done. I've been using it all week and it is awesome! I feel like I've moved into a new home.

Good for you! Sounds like a great way to start the evening.

Confession time from me, who HAS read and been involved in your thread...

I never once said his suffering was even close to yours. Its not even in the ballpark. I wasn't taking wrongs into consideration because it didn't matter who did what and why or how. What you did was horribly wrong.

My husband is in Cuba and I would actually share the latest happenings in your life with him. He began asking me about you and what you were doing. I was so proud of how you were handling things lately...especially the kitchen situation. We both got a kick out of that.

While you were here on MB receiving support and care from us, you were secretly engaging in behavior you knew was wrong. THAT'S why I called you a hyporcit in anger. I was, still am, completely blown away that you could come here each day and share your feelings about being a BS and dealing with his actions recently with the OW while engaging in an affair of your own. I know I wasn't the only one angered by it. Maybe I'm the only one who felt a little bit betrayed. Isn't it so weird that I was embarrassed to tell my husband what a stranger had done?

I'm happy that you and your WH are getting it together. Honest. Its just that right now, my image of you is really a bit scrambled up. Maybe its not fair, but its true. And it really does bother me that your husband seems to still blame himself for your actions.

I've been reading your thread SMB and it seems to me you aren't saying you didn't do wrong. You are just highly incensed that anyone compare it to the wrong your h did. Well, from where I am standing I see your point and I agree. There are different degrees of sin and while yours was wrong (doubly so because the OM is also still married) it in no way rises to the level of what your h has put you through this year.

((SMB))

I totally understand what you meant and you're right. Whoever told you that what you did was the same as your husband is wrong (I want to use other words instead of wrong, but the mods won't let me do it).

They say that all sins are the smae. But, the reality is no one in his/her right mind truly, deeply believe that. Someone lying to her co-worker by saying "I really like your new hair cut" is NOT the same as someone who's jealous of her co-worker's promotion and decided to murder her so she can get the promotion herself. This might be an extreme example, but, both lying and killing are sins. Are they the same?

With that being said, sexymamabear, if you have ANY contact with this OM of yours, after all your husband has done in the past week and all the pain and remorse he has gone though, the pain you caused him will be equal or even greater than what he has caused you. I strongly encourage you to change church. Going there might bring some imagination into your H's mind because that's where your affair started. Do you want him to go through some more pain? For the good of yourslef, your H, and your kids, try to forget the past and look forward to a better tomorrow.

Hello SMB.

I’ve been following your story for quite some time.

I come out of the shadows now and again to wield my trusty two-handed 2x4 and offer a little taste of my personal (in)sanity to the mix.

Read that little link on the bottom of my signature about the A World.

I bet some of that sounds really familiar to you; give or take.

After you let that sink in real good, tell me what do you think we collective MB’rs think about someone that would know the life of living with one’s mind on fire from the contamination of a WS; and then choose to justify that same act, be it malice or not, on another life?

I’ve read about your emotional ping pong match where you serve with justification and return with blighted hope of the future.

Your situation is as complicated as you let it be.

Your pain will not compute the same IF your H does the things that he should to live repentant for his abhorrent actions. And the sands of time will dull away a LOT of the open nerve endings that are causing you grief right now.

Spend the 15 hours a week together and freaking MAGIC will start to happen again. It just takes time.

SMB, there is hope. Don’t ever forget that.

Your FWH, as they go, seems very sincere in his openness and commitment to you and your family now.

People have the power to change!

It’s the person that’s waiting for them that defines themself as hopeful by the measure of that change, or foolish by unchecked lack of the same.

But we ALL, ALL OF US, stand on that precipice and eventually have to choose to fling ourselves into the mist below, hoping the landing is in deep water.

I believe that more survive than don’t.

[censored] or get off the pot now.

Hey SMB,

Let me start by saying "wow", you're story is just "wow". I hardly ever post, because my 2 boys hog the computer.

I know I will get major 2x4's for this, but I can so understand all that you've done and where you are now coming from.

I understand your complete devastation, which is unexpressable. I also understand how and why you saw OM. Don't get me wrong, I don't condone it or believe that it was the right decision, especially he not being divorced, but I understand your broken state of mind.

My OWH even suggested we have a revenge A. He said it out of pain, but I did consider it for more than a second. Part of me believes that it's important for some WH's to realize that they could lose you to someone else. Part of me is really glad that I didn't do it, but mainly because I didn't want to have to live with any guilt about it.The other part of me still wishes that my H would have at least gotten a taste of what it would feel like to think that he could have lost me to someone else. So, you see, it's a struggle either way.

I also understand how you feel that the two A's did not cause the same amount of damage, and I tend to agree. Yes, they were both equally wrong, but I agree that the amount of damage and work that will be needed to recover are not equal. You will have so much of a harder time recovering from you H A, because of the circumstances and all that will cause you triggers.

As you know, these next few years will be frequented by painful memories and pure frustration from you inability to undo what your H and OW have done. It is agony.

Luckily, from experience, I can tell you that as time goes on the triggers will get less powerful. The movie playbacks will occur less often. There may be even some days where you forget to agonize over the hurt your H has caused you.

Is your H keeping his condo? I ask because we have a beach house that my H was taking his OW to. When I found out about it I was devestated and sure I wanted to sell it ASAP. Every time I walked into that house I was overwhelmed by visions of him Fing her all over our house.

But then, I made a concious decision to take back what is mine. For the past year my H and I have been doing things to fix it up. I redecorated both the rooms. We even changed what used to be the kid's room into the new master. We bought a new bed, a bigger better one. We put up a privacy fence, redesigned the patio and this week we're giving it a new paint job. We use it for little weekend gettaways. We've made it our own. I can't lie and tell you that it doesn't sometimes hit me and like you, I just get quiet and silently suffer. My H knows when this happens. But I'm here to tell you that this happens less often.

My M now is awesome, but I still struggle in silence.Yes, it does something to you, changes you forever, Yes, there's something lost forever. But, with time, a lot work, and sorry to say, a lot of suffering it gets better. You have to accept what u did was wrong, but the really hard part is that you have to accept what your H did was indescribily horrific, and you cannot undo it, and you are the one who has to eat sh7t knowing it, but you have to make a conscious decision to have the best marriage that you can.

Also, know that the best way to get over the anger and hate that you feel for the OW (which I know you do) is to have the best dang M with your H as you possibly can. Know that it will be a rollercoaster. There will be days where you are full of anger and frustration and you'll feel like running away, just hang in there and know that it will eventually get better <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I understand what you are saying and am sorry that I was secretive these last few weeks.

But I never asked to be anyone's example. I am just a woman trying to survive the most horrific pain I have ever felt. For me, this well tops the pain from sexual abuse or the pain of losing a baby.

Please keep me off any pedestal. I'm just another Christian...trying hard to hear God's voice and follow it...and really blowing it sometimes...just like the rest of you.

eyes forward...let's stop having SMB explain her actions...they were wrong...she knows it. They have a recovery to focus on.

First, I would like to say that I do think and I really hope that things will work out between your H and you. I think you have class and that you're loving, caring, and strong at the same time.

To answer your question, no, I don't mind sharing. However, I won't be sharing it here. If you're really interested and post your email here, I'll email you my story, provided that you won't share it with the others.

Plank,

I have read you A World link before and yes, it is painfully familiar.

Thank you for your post. I am letting all you said sink in.

Oh God, thank you for MEDC.

[quoteTo answer your question, no, I don't mind sharing. However, I won't be sharing it here. If you're really interested and post your email here, I'll email you my story, provided that you won't share it with the others. [/quote]

Ba, Thank you for your support.

I am sad to see that you will not share your story here. I cannot send you my email, as that is worth gold right now, considering what my H and I are facing.

I hope you'll reconsider sharing here. You might be pleasantly surprised. Obviously, people around here don't like secrets, and with good reason.

I have not lost a baby, though I am a survivor of child sexual abuse and adult sexual assault. I can't say my husband's betrayal tops those, but I know what you are saying.

Sweetie, never had you on a pedestal, you just really shocked me.

I think its grand we can focus on your WH and your recovery now. I've seen that you are beginning to take those steps forward that are required of both of you. I think that now things are out in the open, the pace of recovery will be relatively swift. Not easy, of course, but seeing how proactive he is NOW and the fact that he is here with MB... its amazing and thrilling. I'm very pleased for the both of you. Honest.

The reason I say the A was worse than the sexual abuse, is becuase this is the man who promised to love, honor, cherish, and protect me. He knew my past...he's known everything there is to know about me. Throughout our entire marriage, I was totally transparent. I trusted him with my whole heart and soul. He CHOSE to be my husband. My perpetrators were in my life because they were born into my family. They never made a commitment to me. They never made a promise to me.

Does that make any sense? I'm not saying that the acts of sexual abuse were less devastating to me. But the BETRAYAL of the A was much more hurtful. Or maybe it's just been so long ago and the triggers from sexual abuse have been gone so long, that I forget the reality of it. That is possible.