I have been here to support SMB and will continue to do so...but this is far from a success story. The costs that have been paid to even begin recovery are beyond measure. If this was the blueprint for MB...if every marriage had to suffer this amount of turmoil to survive...the plan would be an abject failure.

No, this marriage is on the road to recovery...but let us not forget the costs. They have been immense. The end result may be a recovered marriage...but too many years 13, plus whatever recovery takes..have been wasted in lies and deception. To me, this situation is a testament to the devastation that infidelity can bring to a life....and while recovery may some day be possible, the loss of the years can never be made up.

If I were newly betrayed, looking at this situation would not give me hope..it would scare the living crapp out of me. I think this story is all about how strong SMB was to be able to stand tall. In retrospect...even though their marriage can recover...if I were able to go back three years and paint this picture for SMB...I doubt very highly that she or anyone else would go through this stuff for the chance to recover.

Sorry, I try to be optimistic and look at the glass as being half full...but this situation is impossible to hold up as an example of what should happen in a marriage touched by infidelity.

You're so wrong by using the words "to a life." There is more than "a life" involved. The effect of these infedelities on these kids cannot be measured and predicted and they could very much be very negative.

To sexymamabear and her husband, just look forward to the future and hopeful that it will bring the two of you closer than ever and value each other than you would have if it wasn't for these unfortunate events.

SMB...Just wanted to let you know that I'm praying for you guys...(((SMB)))

Mrs. W

(((((SMB))))))

I understand what you mean about "going there". I think I would replay the scenes in my head, even though I wasn't there, I would imagine. I'm not sure this was healthy or just a process a BS goes through. I would get angry after replaying these scenes.

I don't think tst can help you with it...it's your recovery, facing all those thoughts and emotions. But I wouldn't hide your pain from him. Allow him to see it, just try to control the LBs.


Glad to see you posting again.

Agreed! SMB, you won't want to see that stuff in your house soon enough, when all of this initial shock wears off. These THINGS are constant reminders of something devastating. Get rid of as much as you can. These THINGS will also be constant reminders to tst of the OW. They will trigger memories. Get rid of it.

Michele,

That is exactly "the place" I am talking about. And I see that you understand what I am saying. No matter how much H wants to, he cannot help me "get through it". It's MY recovery.

He has a very difficult time when he sees it, and I am not yet at a place where I can "hide it" until I am alone to deal with it.

We started reading SAA last night. I was really not in the right frame of mind to start it, so I should have said I didn't want to. The condo thing had my head and emotions all screwed up. As we read the first 2 chapters, I became increasingly angry. I started asking some questions when we got to the diagram comparing the emotional involvement of different affairs (ONSs to Soul Mates). Right before that diagram, it stated thate some affairs are so intense that one will give up everything to be with OP. Well, this IS what H did. He gave up EVERYTHING. This was a major trigger last night.

So I asked which came first, ILY or sex. I don't know what I was looking for. No answer could give me any peace. So I learned that they came simultaneously.

I told him I don't know how anyone in their right mind can consider what I did anywhere near as hurtful as what he did. My poor H shook all night and didn't sleep. I feel so bad that whenever he sees the depth of my pain, he goes back to shaking and his stomach gets twisted so tight he can't stand up straight. I feel like he can't handle what I've got in me. So do I keep it hidden???

Back to the LBer I said to him...I am being honest with ya'll here. Please don't blast me. Please LISTEN to what I am trying to express.

Yes, I had an A. Yes, it was wrong. Yes, it was a sin.

But the pain, the sorrow, the agony of what I lived through these last 6 months is immense. I cannot fathom that my A has hurt H to the same depth. Because he was gone, he chose her, and rejected me...didn't WANT ME. He wasn't home waiting for me. He wasn't loving me, while I was loving someone else. He wasn't devoted to me, while I was out with someone else. He didn't cherish me, while I was giving my heart to someone else. Does anyone see what I am trying to say.

I admit what I did was wrong. But when you all ask me to admit that the devastation caused by his A is the same as the devastation caused by mine...it's like you guys are stabbing me in the heart. Those who I believed completely understood what I have lived through. For you all to say, that H is now suffering the SAME thing, it isn't so.

I know he is hurt and feels betrayed. But I really can't grasp why. HE DUMPED ME. To be dumped for someone else by the one you loved with all your heart and soul cannot be the same pain as someone YOU DUMPED having an A.

I do accept that my A was a sin against God and that I broke my covenant with God.

There were some things that were "ours". Like a wall handing is grandmother made for us. We can't just get rid of everything there. Some of it needs to be sorted through. Probably not as much as I thought, though. Perhaps one quick trip to gather what I want.

I was going to keep a couple chairs that we could use. But then again, I keep wondering if SHE sat in them. One of the chairs is a really cool chair that I nursed each of our babies in and usually fell asleep with them. I loved that chair. But SHE probably sat in it, and that thought won't ever go away, will it???

I think I see what you all are saying.

BA,

Yes, you are right. But I believe that if my H and I are truly working through this recovery, in the end our children will have learned first hand about God's character: love, grace, mercy, forgiveness, healing...and His ability to work miracles in the most hopeless of situations. Because they all felt hopeless. So these are life lessons for them that may strengthen their faith and walk with the Lord...as it can do the same for my H and me.

If we were to divorce, the devastation would be much more immense.


BA,

If you would like to continue to post to me, would you kindly share your story? I know most everyone's story that posts to me. Over the months, I have gone back and read where they have come from. This helps me understand where the are coming from in their posts and how to take what they are telling me.

In what way has infidelity touched your life?

Thank you, MEDC.

And you are right. If this picture had been painted for me three years ago, I would have gotten the he(( out of Dodge. Well, that's not true. I would have NEVER BELIEVED it would happen this way. Not our marriage. Not MY husband...who loved and adored me. Not us.

SMB,



Yes, I do understand what you are trying to say. To you it doesn't seem as bad. I can related because for a very, very long time I thought my A wasn't as bad as it could have been because my FOM and I did not have sex. I know now that is really was just as hurtful and awful as any other A.

Edited to add: I realize what I am going to say here may come across as being harsh. Please know I don't mean it to be, but I do want to say it. It's your sense of entitlement that is making you feel like you do. That sometimes takes time to overcome. I know it's hard to see now, but you will.

It will take time, but you will get to the point where you do understand why it really is just as bad as what your H did.

Has he talked to his doc about the shaking, if not he really should.

BTW thanks for answering my questions about your children. I am happy you have a plan set up in case you need it. Your situation made me wonder when you could find time to be alone to discuss things. My DH and I did not discuss any A related topics if our girls were home. We either waited until they were in school or we left the oldest in charge and went somewhere to talk. Family counseling sounds like a very good idea.

LC

[quote] The end result may be a recovered marriage...but too many years 13, plus whatever recovery takes..have been wasted in lies and deception. [/quote

I want to comment on the 13 years thing. You guys know there were different "stories" that H told me. The "I haven't loved you for 13 years" thing being the most unbearable.

H says that there was never an A or anything else until this year. He says he lied to protect the active A and basically to get me to kick him out.

Having lived my life, this is the only story I find believable. He became a different man this year...a cold, hurtful man. I NEVER saw this in him EVER before.

I do believe this story. If in your "conversations" with H, you believe he is lying, please tell me. But I believe he has come clean about it, and the puzzle pieces actually fit.

Unfortunately, H can never take back the words he said. I lived that story as my reality for months. The agony of believing that was real. I now have faced it....lived it. Losing 13 years of beautiful memories just about killed me...literally. What I would give to have not been told that lie.

I can relate to this. One of my biggest triggers was my FWH's automobiles. First it was his Trooper. I knew that OW#1 had been in it and it was like I felt evil everytime I got in it. My husband ended up wrecking it and I was happy it was gone. Then he drove a pickup with OW#2-- it was the same thing. I hated riding in it knowing she had even touched it. After he came home, he ended up losing it and I was glad to see it go.

I agree with the others... if it isn't something that is absolutely necessary to have, I say trash it.

[quoteI can relate to this. One of my biggest triggers was my FWH's automobiles.[/quote]

His car is a trigger for me. He knows that and is putting if for sale. Just another one of those things he immediately felt he needed to do. I didn't ask. I just told him that I felt like I was going to throw up (I meant that literally) sitting in the same seat she sat in...MY SEAT.

He has parked it at his work and is now driving his old vehicle. But the truth is, she probably rode in that one, too, before he bought the newer one. He did tell me he is going to sell them both, drive my van as his, and get ME a new vehicle.

Sounds good, 'ey!

No he can't take it back, now it's time for him to prove to you it isn't true. Those are the consequences of his actions. He was rewriting history, you've read that around here for a long time. Remember that when you think about how hurtful that was. Look how many WS say "I don't even know why I married you."

LC

SMB

I do understand.

It's kind of like when the types of A's are described. They are different and their consequences are different. For example, a ONS followed by the WS telling all to the BS the next day will generate different consequences than a LTA where lies and deception have run rampant for years. What's necessary for recovery will be different for each. Also RESENTMENT will probably play a part in the LTA much more than the ONS.

I think your processing of his A will entail greater effort on your part than what he will have to "understand" or process from your A. Does that make sense? Yes an A is an A, BUT recovery from each depends on alot of factors.

I guess what it boils down to is that the difficulty of recovery from an A is mostly proportional to the devastation created by it. And each BS is different and each feels the effects of infidelity differently.

I know you know it was wrong...a bad decision, based on pain, anger, loneliness and a bit of foggy thinking. Has it hurt your H? Yes. Has it hurt you? Yes, and I think as time goes by you'll feel pain from your A. Once you can get a better perspective and a distance from the raw pain from his A. It's just hard to separate the two right now. But they are different and separate and will need to be recovered from as two distinct parts.

Not an easy task as you two are so entwined in pain and twisted emotions.

One step at a time. Try to separate them. Deal with them both, then move on.

Still praying for you.

Lets say someone broke into your house and stole your TV. The police show up and tell you it's one of two possible suspects.

Suspect one: Steals for crack money.

Supsect two: Steals to but food on the table to feed the kids.

I think most would agree, if you have to pick, you hope the money from the TV went to feed the kids.

But the end result is the victim feels violated, and has lost something of value.

I do not think anyone is going to argue the conditions that caused your A to occur is "the lesser of two evils". The end result is painful either way.

I three years ago, I much like I suspect your H today, took full responsibility. I also saw many years of selfish behaviour not related to my A. I just plan treated her as less than equal. She enabled me to by doing nothing more than allowing it.

Long story short... Once D-day of her A was out in the open. I hear alot of how her A, was result of my treatment. And other justifications to down play or lessen the A when compared to what I had done. This hurt me deeper and longer than the actual A. It served no useful purpose other than to stroke her own ego. I would hear "If you wouldn't have done this, I wouldn't have done that".

It greatly effected recovery.

I would highly recommend you listen to those you trust that are not emotionally involved with your sitch. These people who gave you sound advise when it was only your FWW A in question, are still giving you sound advise. You just can't except that, because they are pointing the finger at YOU not FWW... You need to listen, not argue or look for justification.

-JKT

This is my whole point. I lost something of GREAT value when I found out about H's A.

However, H threw away something of great value when he left...twice...to be with OW. He didn't LOSE something of great value...he dumped it into the trash can.

Have you read my thread over the last 6 months? Do you know the he(( I have gone through? If so, do you honestly believe that H is now living the same he(( and has the same devastation to deal with, the same depth of grief? That's what I am asking. I don't expect anyone to tell me I had a right to an A. I know that is not true.

So 4 weeks ago, I decide I am done and will file for D as soon as waiting period is up (if you've read my thread, you'll know what that is about). Getting involved with someone at that point was a bad decision; BUT I did not abandon, alienate, walk out on a man that was waiting at home for me, loving me, devoted to me, committed to me, accepting of me.

I realize that because there is OM, my H now has his own fears as we work to recover. He is dealing with so much pain from his remorse and guilt. I am sorry that I have added more for him to bear.

I do not blame my H for my A. I chose to be with OM. The only part my H had in it was convincing me that my marriage was over.

I am sad that I gave up hope after battling so long and so hard all these months. I am sad that after telling everyone that I believed God could do all things, I stopped believing He would do this. But sometimes, you know, He doesn't.

Thank you, Michele. This is what I was trying to express.


I even told my H, the A is the small part of getting through this. What hurts more are all the things that happened afterward. The rewriting of our history, the abandonment, the manipulation, the fact that he COULD leave...all the mess I have written about these last 6 months. That's where the pain lies.

Our two oldest are 17 and 13. We can get away whenever we need to.

Our younger kids go to bed 8 p.m., and we can have alone time in the evening pretty easily. We always used to have at least an hour alone every evening when our older ones were younger. All kids went to bed at 8 p.m. and H and I had time together. It was a priority for most of our marriage.

SMB...I do not think you should rationalize your affair at all. It was wrong...even to just have sex with the man...forgetting the infidelity part for a minute....you are a Christian and should refrain from that with anyone that whom you are not married.

That being said, I do not believe there is any comparison between what you did and what your H did. Even in the eyes of the Lord, all sins are not equal. You were subjected to having your TV stolen over and over again...and the rest of your house burned down around it.

See, maybe I am different. I would rather the crack addict took my TV. You expect evil things from a crack addict and can do things to protect yourself. When it is someone that you respect...well, the blow is that much more difficult. When the blows continue to rain down upon you...well, it gets to be a bit much to take. I fault you for turning to another in a sexual way. You deserve that judgment from a fellow Christian. But it is time to move past this and stop offering any justification for your actions. They were wrong. Period.

Let's move forward.