That's pretty much what happened to me when he said it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

SMB, what your H said was beautiful.

It warms my heart to see you guys back together and working on reconciling. I wish you nothing but the best. It will be a tough road, but so rewarding too.

Are your children excited that dad is back at home now? I'm so happy for you that you have a kitchen again!

The kids are doing so much better than I ever dreamed at this point.

Everyone has adjusted very well, mostly thanks to H, who has been very sensitive to not storm in and take over. He has been deferring to me a lot.

DD13, who was my greatest concern and seemed angry at both of us while away on our trip, has really warmed up. She has been affectionate to H, and I can see her heart's desire to connect with him again.

MEDC,

Just wanted to let you know H has talked with me about your conversation.

We will go over everything tonight.

Thanks.

great...he just let me know.

SMB...I believe that you two have a bright future ahead of you. I sense a real sincerity in your H. He would be a man at this stage that I would be happy to call a friend.

Keep up the great work...both of you.

You're making me cry...

You know I could say that the man I married is back. But my FWH is a changed man. Not the man I married. He is a more committed man...a man passionate about me.

smb..since you are already crying, I will tell you that I believe your H has changed for the better because you showed him what a hero you were to your family. The man knows how very lucky he is at this point.

Moving forward not everything is going to peaches and cream...but the big picture is looking pretty darn good.

Good luck tomorrow.

Stop it. Now you're making ME cry. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

OK, thanks a lot guys. I have a meeting to go to, and I'm sitting here with mascara running! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Seriously, this makes me so happy to read. I just had a feeling you two were going to make it! Yours is a heartwarming story and an encouragement to anyone who feels their situation is unfixable. God bless both of you and your precious children, as you continue this journey. There will no doubt be tough days still to come, but I believe the hardest part is behind you.

MEDC,

Thank you for all you have done (and will continue to do) to support my family.

You told me what I needed to hear. You helped me to rise up and do what was necessary. You kept telling me that I would get through this.

Princess & Setfree,

It's never good to cry alone. Thanks for crying with me.

you are welcome SMB. As I told your H today...when the time comes...just pay it forward....but not yet....focus.

Your H will be an invaluable tool to this website in the future if he so chooses. You will too.

It has been my pleasure to deal with such a good woman and mother...I look forward to continued growth for all.

MEDC

SMB

Everything sounds so very promising.


There are going to be bumps in the road and hills to climb over, but using all the tools you've learned here will get you over those.

And I totally agree with MEDC on several accounts...you are strong, you are a good mother and woman and if you choose, you will be a valuable contributor to this forum. TST will be too if he so chooses.

Keep updating us.

It's wonderful to hear of a recovery such as yours.


Slow and steady....

(insert thunderous applause here)

This is so wonderful to hear SMB. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Prayers from the Walking family to you and yours.

That's how I feel about my FWH. I wouldn't trade him for the world. It's a lovely feeling, is it not?

Bump for "Ifailedmywife"

SMB, Congrats on the latest news! Please checkout the poster above's thread if you get a chance.

This past week we continued to work through our to-do list.

We went to the lawyer to start the post-nup. We discussed it the night before so that we could be in enthusiastic agreement. H had already outlined what he was considering. He wanted put in that I receive 100% cash value of business assets, and that I would receive the home and its belongings if we divorce for any reason other than MY infidelity. And if I leave because of my own infidelity, he still put 50% of his business assets on the table.

The whole reason a post-nup was on my list of requirements was because I KNEW HE WOULD NEVER DO IT, unless, of course, God had done some great work in his heart. So, H not only agreed to post-nup, but went above and beyond what I expected in that agreement.

He said none of it matters anymore because he is never going anywhere. He is doing this post-nup as an act of love and to help me re-establish trust in him.

He is making huge strides in our recovery process.

The next day, we went to see our children's counselor. We spent more than an hour with her talking about what is going on with us, what we have seen in the children, and what to watch for. She was incredibly helpful. She felt that we were proceeding in a healthy fashion for all of us, and that we didn't need to come back for any family sessions right now. She gave us some great input and said she would be happy to work with any of our family if the need arises over time. I think when she saw H's deep remorse, humble attitude, and desire to make amends, she was deeply touched.

We had another session with Jennifer last night. We went over our EN's questionnaires with her individually, and she gave us guidelines as to how to share them with each other. Now we are supposed to start filling out the LB quedstionnaires for next week.

I am so touched by H's efforts. He continues to go above and beyond what I said I would need.

Emotionally, I still struggle. I trigger mostly at my own thoughts. For example, he might say something loving to me, and I think to myself, "Wonder if he said that to her." Then, I am feeling all those feelings, and he doesn't even know it. I discussed this with Jennifer.

H has been very romantic and affectionate. I, however, am having a hard time with any "mushiness". I am glad he says the things he does, although it is very difficult to RECEIVE it (like what I mentioned above). Also, I just can't find it in myself to be "mushy" to him. I don't mean that I am not affectionate physically. I just have a hard time expressing much with my words right now.

I also have felt my anger start to rise at times this week. I felt angry after our session last night. It seems I should have felt happy that H was doing the counseling. But as I examine what was really going on in me, I realize that I am hurt that he felt I didn't meet his needs to the point that he would have an A and LEAVE ME AND HIS CHILDREN. I am also hurt that (knowing one of his top needs is SF), he would leave me and his family for a woman he says he never had an orgasm with. If SF is high on his list, and he always had one with me, and never with her, I am devasted that I was so lacking in some other need that he would be willing to sacrifice THIS. No, I haven't discussed this with him, and can't yet, without love busting to the hilt.

I guess what I am back to is WHY, WHY, WHY did he have this A. What was sooooo lacking in me that he found in her? Do I really want to know this??? Will this only be more hurtful words in my head to play over and over??? OK, the more I write, the more I realize this is big for me. My emotions are swirling.

There's already plenty of lines I hear in my head more than I can bear (I haven't loved you for 13 years, Our sex life was cold, No matter what I do my heart is not in this marriage, As a wife you really sucked, blah, blah blah.

So does a BS need to know what ENs they did not fill prior to A? Jennifer has told us to focus on the now. But it is driving me crazy not knowing what he feels I lacked. But I fear knowing this will haunt me for a very long time.

(I just inserted all this above about SF and WHY and my head is spinning. I won't reread this to proof, so it may no make any sense when you read it, especially since I just inserted here between these paragraphs. Hope you can make sense of it.)


I also discussed with Jennifer that the thoughts/memories of OM are still strong for me. She reassured me that this will fade in time. I asked her last week, why it seemed H didn't have the withdrawal I had read about. She said when an A dies naturally, the pleasure of the A is gone, and so is the addiction.

I have no doubt that rebuilding my M is the absolute best for all of us. I have had many moments this week that reminded me of that. Little things that make me appreciate a 24-year history together. And the positive thoughts of sharing our children's special future events together (weddings, graduations, etc.). And I love the idea of being Grandma & Grandpa together.

I believe that as time progresses, our recovery will flourish and our M will be more than we dreamed it could be.

While I was posting the above, H was sending me a very romantic email. GEEEEZZZ, sometimes I feel so guilty for my own feelings. Seems crazy considering the he(( I've lived.

Also, my post above seems all over the place since inserted that stuff right in the middle of more positive thoughts. Probably would have made more sense if I had started a new post about my anger, huh?

I hope someone with actual knowledge will respond to you SMB, but my question is, 'is it possible that YOU weren't lacking, but rather your WS was just a cup that could not be filled?' I wonder if infidelity is sometimes not a result of a WP not having their ENs met...can't the WS just flip out and act crazy for a while in some cases?

SMB... your H did a very fast about face and decided to recommit to the M. Your head (and heart) are having a hard time catching up. Your H seems to be trying to "romance you" and reconnect. It will take time for those feelings that built up to subside. Keep talking with your counselor and your H. You don't want to let them fester.

SMB,

I am sitting here thinking I have a lot to say to you, but I don't know how to say it without it seeming I am picking on you. So I will step in slowly.

First, your thoughts are normal for this point of time. It seems to me from what I have read your H has been broken. The problem is that you have not. You still hurt, you still don't trust, and because of these things you have anger. This is normal.

However, I think you are missing a few things. One is the issue of SF. I am sure it is a need of your H, but what often gets mixed up is that SF is an emotional need and for us guys it is how we bond. I am mentioning this so that you will pay attention to what your H says in his EN. From what you said the SF with the OW was not that good, but something was, and I am betting that she paid attention to him in many little ways that you probably did, but have forgotten to as time has moved on.

I am betting that he cannot and does not articulate his feelings as well as you. YOu are hanging on every word, but he cannot express himself with regard to why he did what he did. I am making this assumption based on the Post-nup. He cannot tell you how he feels well, but he is trying to show you by simply placing his whole life in your hands. Further, he went and apologized to family and friends for his behavior. Actions seem to be his mode of operations not words.

What does this mean to you? It means that you are hanging on his words, looking for the why, but not getting it because he cannot express the complexity of what he did or why? If you are still, and you take your time I think you will learn these things. It will take time for him to really be able to process all that he has done. He is broken, but until he comes back together, he may not understand himself well enough to help you with what you seek.

This leads me to something else that bothers me. You have not been broken about your affair. You are still in withdrawal. You say you gave up and decided the marriage was over and had the affair. Fair enough. But, you KNOW that was a bad decision and you know that you justified this bad decision by blaming your H. Interestingly, he cannot take the blame for the same reason you cannot take the blame for his decisions...it was your decision and you knew it was wrong. You did it because you wanted to.

Now having said this, perhaps the answer to why he had the affair is the same as why you did... you both felt the marriage was really over.

I have so many thoughts on what has transpired and some concerns. One of them is actually the post-nup. The power in the marriage is now out of balance and if the Harley's discuss one thing it is that there needs to be balance, giver/taker, power everything needs to be in some sort of balance.

I do think that with time and your H's consistent effort, some of your major triggers will fade. I also think that as you do the EN questionaire, don't just look at the top EN for him but look at the linkages between needs. These EN's don't exist in a vacuum.

I know i more to say, but I am not sure I am making myself very clear at this point. I look forward to your response.

God Bless,

JL