JL,

How could a post-nup be written where balance is achieved? This is posible isn't it? Is it in the language of SMB's post-nup that you fear balance will be out of kilter?

Thank you. It is good to know that I am at a normal place in all of this. I know there are a lot of emotions for both of us to process through.



I am confused here when you say the problem is that I have not been broken. Can you clarify?



This I do understand. I realize that I did not fulfill this need often enough for his desire. I have apologized to H for this.



Probably true. I guess I am just facing the pain that H chose to have an A instead of come to me and ask to work on things. He proceeded to allow OW to me his needs, all the while pretending we had a perfect marriage.


This could be true. I will think more about it.


These were all actions I had listed on my "requirements list". I purposely had actions on my list that would demonstrate the attitude/heart changes that needed to exist. For example, apologies and amends would demonstrate remorse and a desire to make things right. A post-nup would demonstrate a willingness to do whatever necessary. Providing cell phone/computer/credit card access would demonstrate transparency. I see on these boards all the time WS's talking all the talk, but not doing anything to walk the walk. So my list showed H what walk would be necessary for me to consider reconciliation.


Perhaps this is true.


I don't blame my H for my choice to have the A. The only way in which he contributed to creating the atsmosphere for the A was to abandon me and convince me he was never coming back. I recognize that I could have chosen not to get involved with OM. I fully acknowledge that I MADE THE CHOICE. I don't feel I did it for revenge, for feeling lonely, for wanting him to be jealous, or for any other reason except that I enjoyed being with the OM.


agreed


Major difference here is that H continued to play happily married man, passionately in love with wife. Cake-eating as long as he could. He didn't feel the marriage was over, he just wanted to do both. I felt the marriage was over, and still am amazed that it wasn't.



I have given up my career and any further education so that I could stay home, care for our home and family, and homeschool. That choice leaves me with nothing financially. I am totally dependent on H. THAT is not balance. The post-nup brings a little balance, in my opinion. Being a man, you may not realize the vulnerability a woman is in when she makes the choice to be a homemaker. I didn't make that choice blindly. I made it based on the belief that I could totally trust my husband to provide and care for me for as long as I lived. These past 6 months, I faced the reality that H had chosen to no longer follow through on that promise. I could not go back into this marriage with that same imbalance. If this m fell apart in 5 years, H would still have his business and his potential for income. I would, however, be faced with having fewer children at home and less child support. Probably not enough to keep my home and stay home with my children (which we BOTH desire). And alimony would end after so many years. So I would have been unemployed for at least 20 years, with no retirement, facing losing my home, and putting my children in school. This post-nup brings security to me and allows me to begin to trust that H will provide for me in the future.


Feel free to share more. Thank you for taking the time you did on your post.

Focus forward SMB. I think a standard answer regarding your affair at this point should be that it was wrong and that you guys are focused on recovery.

As far as the post nup...this was enthusiastically agreed to by your H and you. Enough said.

Thank you, MEDC, for continuing to keep H and me focused. I post here and then sometimes get so rattled emotionally afterward. That's why I am taking breaks from here for several days. There is so much emotion going on between H and me. Good stuff, but exhausting.

SMB, I think you're doing just fine and your H is doing great.

As you have stated, you still have "strong" memories/thoughts about OM. Make sure you don't ever see him again and that would include avoiding certain public places that he might be present. Time will eventually take away these feelings you have for him.

Yes, this is what I thought. Does it provide also for security to your H, should you have an affiar? Or will he lose the same regardless of the reasons?

As a side note, I am for post-nups after infidelity as well as other addictions, and have a lot of interest in this subject.

H will provide 50% of cash value of business instead of 100% cash value if I divorce due to my own infidelity. If H leaves for any reason, he provides 100% cash value.

No matter what, H does not lose ANY stock in his business, and I will have no ownership of any part of business. He is providing me with cash, which means a lot to me since I have no retirement at this point.

As MEDC said, H and I enthusiastically agreed. I never asked for 100% cash value. This was H's offer. I asked H about it again today, after posting here and feeling rattled. He said to drop it, as we already discussed it and enthusiastically agreed. This is what he wants it to be. It is an act of love from his perspective.

Thank you for explaining SMB. Sorry you got rattled. Been rattled here myself a time or two. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I could have written that,matter of fact I know that I have. I always wanted to respond..."yeah right...you said that to OW too" (he had; I have read the IMs). I think these thought come from your lack of trust AND your anger. Both of which take time to change. I'd be interested to know what Jennifer said about it.

After 2 years in recovery I have tried to accept H's compliments for what they are now. It takes time to get to that point though. Lots of good marriagebuilding time.




I don't believe that to be true. You did not make him stray. His inability to protect his own weaknesses allowed him to do that. You may have contributed to the atmosphere, but your "inadequacy" or whatever you think it was, was not the cause of his infidelity. And it was his decision to give up his M to get those fantasy highs. His decision. His addiction.

Were you aware at all with his unhappiness from his needs not being met? From what I have read, you were not. How could you fix/change things if you were not even in the loop? You couldn't.

And just because you were not meeting a need to his specs, it doesn't make you a terrible wife or a bad person. The punishment of an A is unjust.





A thought on anger....I think it's the most difficult emotion and the LONGEST LIVED emotion that results from an A. Learning to constructively handle it has been my toughest obstacle. (And just when you think you've got a handle on it and it seems to have abated, it will come back again further down the road. Just know it's normal...part of recovery.)


Remember your goal...a happy, healthy M. Yelling and screaming may feel good for the second you're doing it, but you'll regret doing it later. It'll impede progress (For me, letting loose did not rid me of the anger. It was still there so I had to come up with other outlets).


Calm discussions....that's the key. Don't shut down, communicate.


These next few months are going to be intense. Try to remember you are rebuilding an entire M, it's not going to happen overnight.

Slow and steady.

SexyMamabear,

Having read your responses permit me to elaborate a bit further. I am trying to point out that IF your H is really truly broken, your real problem will come later. Guilt is a major deterent to really recoverying the marriage. I know that is not high on your "things to worry about list" right now, but be warned.

He is meeting all of your demands. He has given you a pre-nup. He has asked forgiveness from all you have asked him to. He appears to be sincere. My point is to pay attention to things. Balance in the giver/taker is important. Right now that is difficult for either of you to do, but I pointed out your affair along with his for a reason...balance.

I know you are hurt, I know you have doubts, but if in the long run you don't achieve a balance between giver and taker and/or your H does not, there will be troubles in the future. It is hard for a BS to see so early into recovery. But, it seems to me your H doesn't seem to do things in half measure. He had a full on, I want out, affair. He is now broken and wants a full on, I'll do whatever it takes marriage. Somewhere in the middle is a comfortable place for him and you.

It is hard for me to articulate what I sense, but just keep talking, surly spend much time with Jennifer, and pay attention to the balancing act. Eventually, things must balance up reasonably well. It is not about fair, equal or anything like that, it is about balance.

Must go. Hope something I have said will help you in the future.

God Bless,

JL

JL.....so glad for your insights. (I keep bumping Marriedfor30yrs' threads, but when she doesn't post, you don't post to her....and I've missed your thoughts and ideas. Hope all's well with her and the professor.)

Thank you for weighing in on the giver/taker balance aspects of recovery. My DH and I had a huge challenge...(nearly a deal-breaker) during our recent vacation and this may have been a part of the reason. I have to mull it over a bit and will post it on my Smiles and Trials thread when I can.

In the meantime, SMB and tst are an inspiration to me and many others. (Mishes is reading your entire thread, SMB.) Your openness and candor is very refreshing.

Thanks,
Ace

Grief is overwhelming me today. Thoughts and visions of them..what they said, where they went, what they did. They just won't stop today.

I am cooking and planning games for our family (just us and the kids) for tomorrow. And I burn the d*mn pie filling (really badly), kids keep fighting (there in their rooms now for a very long time), and I end up sitting on the kitchen floor crying.

Not looking for a response, really, just venting.

be thankful for what you do have SMB.... a wonderful future.
While I understand your grief, I have been there myself....do not let it rule the day. Also, NEVER use your pain and sadness as a test for your husband. Be emotionally honest with yourself....allow your pain to be expressed...but do it in healthy ways that help you heal...not keep you stuck.

Hi SMB,

Triggers will sneak up with no provocation at all. When this happens, one idea might be to try to take your brain and physically force them out. Replace them immediately with thoughts of things you have to be thankful for. If you don't think of them easily, take a few moments to make a list and post copies of the list around your house.

You can do this SMB....we're all here for you whether you want us to reply or just read your vents and pray for you.

Ace

SMB-

There's another good book that can be very helpful during this time. It's called Torn Asunder by David Carder-he has a ministry like the Harley's with M's that are rocked by infidelity.

It gives a really good description of the process for both the BS and the WS (he calls them infidels) and what to expect.

Although my XH was unwilling to do anything to recover our M, this book, and MB, helped me realize that that I wasn't going crazy and what I was feeling was "normal" (as normal as this whole awful experience can be).

Thinking of you-

((SMB))

MEDC, ACE, Johnstwin,

Thanks, all of you. Wednesday was a really tough day for me. BUT,FWH and I had been in contact through email, and he was aware of my messed up state of mind. So in the middle of the afternoon he surprised me by coming home early. I was pretty "inside myself" at that point. But he did all the right things. When I am in that frame of mind, there really isn't anything he can say because my mind just says "Yeah, right. And you said that to her, too, I suppose." Or "Yeah, right. You told me that before, and it obviously meant nothing."

He didn't say much at all. But he held me most of the day. I laid on his chest all evening while he rubbed my hair (my favorite thing in the whole world). I dozed off and on all evening. When I would awake, he was still rubbing my hair. I told him the next day that he did exactly what I needed.

Also, since I burned my pie fillings (enough for 3 pies) TWO DIFFERENT TIMES THAT DAY, FWH and daughter, made more pie fillings that afternoon. Everything else was either done, or could wait until the next day.

A friend of mine called to check on me that day, and I told her I was in a bad place and didn't really want to do anything about it. She understood what I meant, as she has described her own mental state that way before to me. She prayed for me on the phone; and while she was praying was when FWH walked in the door early from work.

In spite of my poor frame of mind Wednesday, we all had a great Thanksgiving. H was so attentive. He helped me all morning. We baked cookies and the turkey. He mashed the potatoes that I had cooked the day before. We had planned some tournaments games to do with the kids. We had 2 Connect Four tournaments, 1 Poker tournament, and 8 rounds of Peanut. We had picked out prizes for all of them, including some prizes for lowest score.

We used our wedding China and crystal (I hate paper or plastic plates on holidays!!!!)

Our kids (who are very talented with piano, guitar, and drums) led us in a few worship songs.

It was a perfect day. H has always hated the holidays. But this year, he said it was the very best Thanksgiving he's ever had. He admitted that it was also the first year he hasn't "checked out" on us at some point in the day. His gratitude for our family's restoration radiated from him.

I had hoped we would establish some wonderful memories and new family traditions. I think we succeeded.

H and I are going to go over our Emotional Needs questionnaires tonight. We had planned to do it Wednesday, but, obviously, it was not the right night for that. Pray for us. I still struggle with the concept that, "I didn't fulfill this, so he went out and got it elsewhere." My attitude could easily turn south with one fleeting thought through my brain.

Huge, SMB. Major huge!!!! Isn't God good? You are making gigantic leaps and bounds, and although the meltdowns should be expected, they will lessen with time as long as you're seeking 'treatment'. Sounds like you are recapturing things (holidays) that you didn't even have before! ...Beyond THE BEFORE!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the update.

Ace

Hang in there; things WILL get better, I promise.

Window90,

I do not understand why you encourage me and then rip my FWS apart on his thread. We are working hard to recover our marriage and your post to him does not in any way support us in doing that.

Please leave us alone.

make her leave you alone by blocking her. both of you. take control of the things you can. use that little button and send this one packing. It is my suspicion that W90 is also posting under another name...I would bet this is another in a long list of trolls lately.