SMB,

Certain things are within our control and others are not. We choose to respond or react. We can also attempt to ignore. TST will get stronger at this with time.

Because we can't control what/who posts to us, we can only choose what we want to dwell on. Keep the positive and discard the rest.

{{{{{{{{{SMB and tst and family}}}}}}}}}}}

Ace

Just checking in...

Things are going well. Counseling with Jennifer is even more beneficial than I expected. In our last session, we talked about taking control of triggers for me. She told me when I feel them (for example, if H shares something w/ me that upsets me), thank him for being honest...then RUN to the bathroom. Calm myself down and think of an "I need" statement. Or even better, change it to an "I'd love it if" statement. Or if it is just something I need to process, and I don't really need H to DO anything, then just use some positive thinking (she gave examples), to calm myself down. This way I don't do any AO or DJ. These LBers were never a part of my makeup, but with the A mess, sometimes they happen. I never yell...never have yelled at H...ever...nor has he ever yelled at me... OK, there was that one day when I kicked him out...yelling did go on then. But we both were out of our minds, weren't we.

Jennifer then told FWH that sometimes I may run to the bathroom, and she explained what I would be doing, so that he doesn't freak out thinking I'm having a nervous breakdown.

We are working on setting up habits to review our EN every week. We have gone through the LB questionnaire, but Jennifer said we don't need to share it yet.

We continue to meet the 15+ hours a week easily...which blows my mind. He is such a different man these days....totally committed to me. He WANTS to be with me ALL the time.

We are planning a long getaway weekend in January. Something quiet and romantic.

We text, email, and call each other all day long.

FWH tells me all about his day everyday (that is something new).

FWH comes home for lunch almost everyday...today I met him for lunch out.

He's home for most dinners.

He has resigned from the two business organizations that required him to attend meetings.

He is taking off one Wed. a month to spend with me (he used to take that day off to attend one of the above meetings). He said if he is taking a day off work for something, it will be to spend time with me.

He only attends his martial arts class once a week now, and that is the same night as my tai chi. So we go to the dojo together, and come home together. We watch the kids' class together now, too.

Jennifer says we are making great progress, moving through our work very quickly but thoroughly.

There are painful memories, of course. But the man that lives with me now...he's the man I've always wanted.

SMB,

I am so happy to read your good report.

Oh, SMB...this warms my heart so much. At one time you had such doubts when I tried to tell you God could work miracles if you didn't give up. You said that my Mr. Romance was too good to be true...that it could never happen to you, only other people.

As I see it, your Mr. tst has equaled my amazingly committed DH and even passed him up if you consider Mr. romAnCE has not posted on MB to ask for help like Mr. tst has.

Keep it up and please pop in to update us as often as possible. What a testimony you are and will be. Already you've inspired many and you're only a few weeks into recovery.

Amazing how much stronger you'll grow as you post and share some of what you've learned with others. Thanks for posting to Mishes when she could not decide where to start on your thread.

Be careful that you don't question God's ability to continue to create tst into the 'man of your dreams'. I know it's often too good to be true. Just bask in the joy of your new M which will continue to surprise you every day. Our's surprises me, too....and we're only a few months ahead of you.

Thanks for the update.

Ace

hey there .. i''m pretty new but saw your post and started reading through your (hopeful!) story. i saw that you were a homeschooling mom (as I am - with three kids). do you have any specific advice for me about that? my thread is on there (phoenix4) if you want more details.. thanks, and CONGRATS!!

There is so much similarity between Sexymamabear's post and yours, both home schooling the kids, both have devoted church attending husband, etc, etc. The only huge difference is that your H's affair happened 10 years earlier than hers; meaning they had a longer bond and history than yours.

I guess her H started to turn around when she started to move on with another man. Are there any connection between her moving on and him turning around? Maybe not, but it did made her look much more attractive to him, instead of this waiting at home desperate house wife.

One other main differnce (stemmed from the 10 years longer than yours) is that she had two kids over age 13 and one who's 17, so she can be away from the house any time she wanted including going on dates. Am I suggesting you to have your own affair? NO! But, him seeing you moving on and potentially in the arms of another man will make you much more attractive to him. Right now, you should focus on a strong Plan B.

thanks, w90. i can totally see the reality of that, have often wondered if that will be the turning point as well. but i can't see myself dating until i have a final D - and it seems like it would be hard to date someone, unfair to them? - if i feel like i still have an open road for (x)H? but i guess that's just something i'll have to cross when i get there.. maybe i'll feel differently than i imagine.

do you know if she had to put her kids in school then, and herself back into the work force?

First, I did not encourage you to date, so, don't. Second, you should read her post because no other post will be as similiar to yours than hers. Like I said before, it's almost the same story as yours, except that theirs happened 10 years later. The second biggest difference is that OW never moved in with him (neither did yours, right? how come he didn't move in with her) and their affair lasted only about 6 months on and off. On for maybe less than 4 months. Yours seems longer than that and their bonding is growing stronger as we speak, so you need to act on your Plan B quickly.

thanks. i will read up on her thread. it sounds like a pretty amazing outcome so far! yes, i'm working on my planB - it is just logistically really hard with the small children. (H says the A has been physical for almost 6months i guess - i don't actually know where he's living, though i do think it's mostly with her)

God's blessings SMB as you continue - I hope you are getting the huge overflowing cup you deserve!!

Oh yes, I remember saying that to you. It was after RLT went through yet another D-day after enjoying what she thought was recovery bliss. I felt so bad for her and was terrified of being in her place one day. That is truly when I decided I didn't "want" to recover--truth is, I was so afraid to go through what she was going through that I decided to tell God I didn't want my H to come home any longer. Guess God's up there really chuckling at me now.


NOW I understand what you meant in so many posts to me. NOW I understand HOW you could be so sure that your WH was now a FWH. Thanks for continuing to tell me it was possible.

One of the verses I had written on my mirror was:

I believe, Lord. Please help my unbelief.

I didn't realize how relevant it would become as the months passed.

I will check out your thread and get more details about your situation and post to you there.

You CAN get through this and homeschool. But I will have some specific advice for you. I will put it on your thread.

Hey SMB...I am smiling for you both! Happy times ahead!

Window90 is a troll that tried to cause strife for my FWS. We were advised by the vets here--who know MBer material--to put this user on ignore. I suggest you do the same.

As far as your question, my kids did not go back to school and I did not go back to work. My FWH continued to provide financially for us. However, you may need a legal separation agreement just to secure your finances. You don't want to be in the position of having no money coming in if his wayward brain decides to be an even bigger jerk.

Thanks, MEDC, for being such a support for both of us. I really appreciate you being there for tst.

sigh....I see we have another stinking troll = windows90

From under what rock do these creatures crawl out????

SMB, prayers are coming your way! Please pray that you and tst will be strong in the Lord. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The Armor of God
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.Ephesians 6:10-12

You all remember I found out when we were in Las Vegas that FIL, step-MIL, and both SIL all met OW. They chit chatted and FIL even hugged the wench. No one said, "Hey, you don't belong here." "You are not welcome." "That is SMB's place. SHE is family, not you."

For those who were reading then, know that this crushed me. I had loving relationships with these people. One SIL was one of my best friends in high school.

Knowing that December is here (almost), I know that I will have to face these people at some point. FWH is willing to do whatever I need. For my children's sake, I feel it is important that we do the "family get-together thing". I don't expect I can muster the usual hugs and kisses that day, but I can at least be quiet and civil. The focus will be on the kids anyway.

When I went to lunch w/ FWH yesterday, FIL was at his work. I couldn't even look at him and did not acknowledge him. Used to be that we always gave warm hugs and kisses as greetings.

So MIL called to day to invite me out for our usual Christmas shopping. I was on the other line and told her I would call her later. I was on the other line with FWH. I told him who it was. I told him I did not want to do this shopping thing and would have to call her back. He said, in a kind way, just tell her that.

So when FWH came home at lunch, he said he wants to protect me any way he can. He asked that I let him talk with MIL so that I don't have to. I told him that I feel "whimpy" letting him do that, but that I would really like him to.

I just am not ready to face anyone one-on-one.

I feel like I am being immature in my behavior, but the pain about this is just huge. I really am not ready for a conversation with any of them. I can only focus on rebuilding my M right now. Those relationships will have to stay broken for the time being.

Any thoughts??? Anyone been there???

Those people BETRAYED your children in the worst possible way. Until and unless they take responsibilty for their grievous actions, I would not allow the kids to be around them. They are an ENEMY of your marriage and your children's FAMILY. They don't deserve to be around your children AFTER WHAT THEY DID TO THEM!!

SMB, if I were you, it would be a very long time before I associated with them at all. Your kids should also know what they did to their family by welcoming the OW.

SMB

First of all i would like to say that i have followed your story and hugs to you both. I am so happy for you and keep up the good work. I do not know that i could have held on as long as you did. I think you are an inspiration to us all.

Now to your question about the ILs. I had something happen with my ILs a few years back that hurt me very bad. My H and i filed bankruptcy and had to move out of our house. My ILs had a little appartment that they let us stay in right before school started that year my MIL sold her house and rather than move in with her mother until we could find a place they made us move (knowing full well that we had no place to go). We had to take our three children and move into my mother's two bedroom trailer with her.

I was so hurt by this because i felt they could have lived together until we found a place. I told my h that i wanted nothing further to do with them. He was not like your H and was willing to do it for me. he told me that if i did not continue to go to his family's house and act like nothing was arong than he was going to leave me. So i did as he asked. It took me a long time to get over that hurt. But in the long run i think his mother finally realized that she was wrong about what she did (even though she would have never admitted it). She has passed away now and i think that i did finally forgive her before she passed. My kids however remember that (even though i never said anything to them) and to this day feel like their grandma did not love them.

So sorry you are in this situation and it will be tough.