SMB, first of all, I have been somewhat following your story. Secondly, I would give an arm and a leg if my H was doing what yours did. You are so lucky and I wish that my H could be 1/2 as broken as yours. That being said - - I had to chime in here because I KNOW that my H's family would be the same way. They would follow him and his actions always. He's their "golden boy". Always condoning him, always saying he's making the right choices etc. They DO NOT have HIS best interests @ heart. They THINK they do, but they do not. They would take "my" side for a while, but eventually ----- well blood is thicker than water right?? DO NOT FORGET THAT - DO NOT. I KNOW the anger/betrayal/disgust that you feel. I feel it with BOTH of my MIL and FIL (although not for the same reasons as you). Don't get me wrong, I loved/love them - - - but they're not on "my" side. They are on "his". AGain, I'm just a :lurker: but wanted to chime in. You're doing fine. I "wish" my H would have the wakeup call that yours did. He's coming around, but NOWHERE near as drastic as yours is. Hang in there...

Callie,

Glad you swept in from 'lurkerdom' to post to SMB. God can work the same miracle in your life as He has in hers and mine. (My strange story is linked to my sig line.)

Hopefully this thread will inspire you to keep fighting. Is your story on a thread? If so, can you link it here?

Thanks,
Ace

P.S. I see you regitered on my 2nd Devastation Day nearly 18 months ago. I'd appreciate hearing your story.

Hi Ace, thank you for asking. My story has more twists and turns than a soap opera. I'll bump my post up with an update maybe this weekend. At this point I'm embarassed to even bring it into this thread. H and I are doing better though.

You should seriously consider spending the holiday as a family only, meaing just the two of you and the kids. It won't be lonely or quite, because there will be (at least) 7 of you (assuming you don't have any close friends or other family members from SMB's side comming to visit).

To tst: It will be a torture for your wife to spend the holiday with them since the event happened so recently and the fact that she thought of them as her own family for the past 20 years or so. She has gone through enough for the past 6 months; you should do everything you can to prevent her from getting tortured if you can control it.

To SMB: You will be puttnig tst in a difficult position if you do go. Even if you do go and act all nice, there will be resentment deep down whether you express it or not. Even though he stated that he will protect you, but you have to keep in mind that those people are his family way before you came along. I'm sure he will keep his words to protect you, but deep down those are his people and you don't want to create any type of friction (even if it's minimal) between the two of you during such a critical stage of your recovery. Either way, if you go, it's going to be a lose lose situation for both of you.

smb, I would suggest you and TST ignore this troll.

SMB,

I agree with MEDC about Observing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I have been absent for a while and I just finished reading the updates on your post. I am so glad and happy for you that everything has been going so well. I wish you continue success with your recovery and happy holidays to you. You really deserve it after all that you have been through for the past months, regardless of whom or where (whether at home or with your in-laws) you spend your holidays. Don’t forget the continuous love and support for your children; they have been through a lot too mentally, even though they might not show it.

I know you don’t like me much and I wish I can say the same thing, but I can’t.

troll redux

get a life, BA1, would ya?

I was going to wait to update my thread until January, but this is close enough.

BA, SS, or whatever you are now...DO NOT post to me.

FWH has been wonderful. He continues to meet my needs, is incredibly supportive, and wants to be here for me in every way. His remorse is so apparent, and he continues to be an open book.

We did relatively well through Christmas. We ended up not meeting with his dad and step-mother. FWH spent two hours with them early this month, telling them the details of his A, all the lies he told, explained how the enabled him, and told them about MB and explained how I had been fighting like he(( to restore my family. They then suggested that we not get together "because it might be to much for SMB." Well, I saw right through that and told FWH that was more about them not wanting to feel "uncomfortable" and less about my needs. Well, eventually, it became apparent that I was right. We discussed with kids what was going on, and asked their thoughts. They, of course, wanted to see their grandparents on Christmas and, of course, didn't want to do it without me. I was prepared to "suck it up" for a few hours. But FIL and SMIL decided to opt out anyway. So, yes, it all boiled down to him still wanting to be the "sweet guy" who just loves everyone and wants everyone to get along. He told my FWH that he didn't really want to get together if I wasn't going to speak to them and it wasn't going to be a good time. Give me a break!

So FIL writes me the following letter (it was after I did not immediately respond that they opted out of Christmas with my kids):

Dear SMB,

I wanted to express how sorry I am that I have hurt you. tst shared all the work and the times over the years that you have been fighting for your family and your marriage. With much reflection I am able to see my fault of not supporting you, your marriage, and your family in crisis and I am asking for your forgiveness.

Sincerely,
FIL


Although I realize there are probably many here who would appreciate a letter like this from their in-laws, I honestly find this letter insulting to what I have endured these last 9 months. How about, "I'm sorry I looked you in the eye and lied to you about where FWH slept the night he left." How about, "I'm sorry that I asked you to just get along and be nice for the kids sakes." How about, "I'm sorry I was the FIRST person to write off your marriage and had you divorced before anything was even filed." How about, "I'm sorry I allowed OW into my home, the same home that you spent most of your time while dating FWS, have celebrated your holidays, and have had special family times in." How about, "I'm sorry that I didn't tell OW that she was not welcome and did not belong at the side of my son." How about, "SMB belongs here, not you." How about, "I'm sorry I hugged the ho that tried to destroy your family and my son and my grandchildren!!!!"

But no! He's sorry that he "support me". How about, "I'm sorry I betrayed you, tried to manipulate you, abandonded you and my grandchildren." How about, "I'm sorry I didn't care enough to check on my grandchildren or you."

He will NEVER GET IT.

I know that what I have written here, I will eventually write in a letter to him as my response to his "apology". I will also share some very specific memories I have so that maybe he can get a small glimpse into the he(( I and my children have lived...like my daughter cried herself to sleep every single night...like my 9yos raged for hours every single night...like I couldn't eat, or sleep because all that I believed and loved had been ripped into shreds...like my 17yos had to carry the burden of being the man in the house and tried hard to help his little brothers when they were hurting so badly...like my 7yos crawling into "dad's" closet and crying and saying he misses his daddy every single day, all day long. There is so much more that he needs to see and I must tell him. He cannot yet grasp the betrayal his committed.

It may do no good to tell him these things other than to know that I have shared my heartbreak honestly.

FWH did everything to protect me through all of this and worked with Jennifer to be sure of it. He is doing all that is necessary. I just have so much crap to wade through before I can get to the other side.

There's more to post. I'll start a new post so this one doesn't go on forever.

SMB,

I want to wish you a very Happy New Year. I am so happy for you and as soon as my life settles down a little I am going to read your complete threads and FWH too. Thank you for asking him if I could tap into his brain.

Let him know I am gathering my thoughts and praying about what would be most helpful information to get. I don't want to abuse his generosity.

I think you wrote that you are going to be alone tonight? If so, I'll be checking in as I am planning to be alone as well. But I have to be honest, I am choosing this. I could go out if I wanted. I just don't want to be around people hugging and kissing. That would crush me.

SMB
Good to see you.

All sounds good with tst. He appears to be the man you had told us all about. The real H. I'm glad we've gotten to see the man you fought so hard for!!!!

I hear the anger in your post about your FIL. From the outside, infidelity doesn't SEEM to be such a huge deal for most people. It happens all the time. Most people will NEVER understand the amount of pain and devastation that occurs. They support the blood relative even when they're the one who strayed. Unfortunate, but true. It's unusual and refreshing to see a parent go against their own child when they've had an A and support the betrayed IL. But it rarely happens. Yesmydaughter is one such rare individual. What a blessing she has been to her SIL.

I think you should eventually write your letter to FIL. Telling him your truth, your pain which he added to. If you are ever going to have a close R with them again, you need to do it. No question. And personally I'd do it sooner than later.

Looks like you two are doing well.

Blessings to you both and Happy New Year! I'll catch you on your new thread.

Recovery really has been going much better than I ever dreamed. FWH and I have connected in a very intimate way. He truly is a better man today, than the man I considered a wonderful husband for almost 20 years (excluding this year of course).

He has met my rough moments and triggers with nothing but understanding and a willingness to meet my every need. I truly could not ask more of him than he already gives.

We have implemented the principles we learned from Jennifer, and she even tells us we are star students that she feels are close to being ready to be on our own. We really did have a marriage filled with love before the A stuff, and I think that is why moving into recovery has been a "relatively" easy process for us. But it is also what makes all this A stuff so baffling and painful. FWH says his A was more about his brokenness from his childhood than about ENs. He had a hole he kept trying to fill outside our marriage, and that eventually led to his A. He needed admiration and affection, but often refused it from me but sought outside activities to fill it.

As for LBs, there was little of that in our marriage except my FWH's huge independent behavior, which was connected to what I mentioned above about his trying to fill a hole.

We do recognize a pattern throughout our marriage, though. His independent behavior leading to both of us being unable to meet each other's ENs. But ya know, he was just doing what the world says married people should do...find your own thing, don't depend on each other too much. How sad, so very sad.

Recovery seems so easy in certain ways and so hard in others.

Facing holidays has truly been the worst. I would rather them pass unnoticed...just ordinary days. So many anniversary days to come this year that I can't be overwhelmingly excited to see 2008. Yes, it's good to put 2007 behind me, but I can't get all rosey about 2008.

It is just a tough day for me...New Year's Eve, whoopty do, is how I feel today. Then there'll be Valentine's Day in Feb., our 20th wedding anniversary in March (and he was having an affair), and D-day anniversary in April, and Mother's Day in May (which FWH made horrific last year), and June was D-day #2 (which was the absolute worst day of my life--coincides with one of my kids b-days), then July--my birthday, August--his birthday, then Sept-Oct he was the biggest alien I have ever seen.

Yes, I'm projecting. Yes, we will have many wonderful days ahead. I just know, though, that 2008 will be a year of reminders of the worst days of my life. Now 2009, that is something to look forward to.

For those of you who are still facing your alien WS, please forgive my self-pity ramblings. This is just the place I come to unload it all, so that I can get past it.

I so long for a day, just one day, when I don't think of the affair. Just one day when I don't feel somewhere deep inside that gut-wrenching sorrow.

How about "I can't trust that down the road you won't welcome my replacement so readily for whatever reason."

Good line KA.

SMB, TST and family...Happy New Year friends. Imagine the blessings that will come your way this year....Wow! Life is good! Take some time to enjoy in between all the work that needs to be done for recovery.

SMB
You will have days that you won't think of the A. The first year stuff really does stink, but I'm over two years out and the anniversary stuff I don't think about much anymore.

Really, it will get back to "normal". I promise.

Hey Michele.......remember all those lazy summer days when SMB's thread would slide deeper into the abandoned thread abyss....and you or I would do da bump with it.....and she'd lurk and ignore us..... WE KNEW YOU WERE LURKING....SMB.....you can run but you can't hide!!!

Anyhow....Happy New Year to all.

Ace

Ace, Michele,

I can't tell you guys how much you have meant to me. But I know I don't have to...you've been there done that...and you know.

Thanks again!

Just got done playing several rounds of Peanut (card game) with our kids. It was great fun!

Happy New Year.

SMB-

This is still a good place to unload, vent, ramble, and do what you need to do in order to get past this.

Don't worry about those days that are coming, those "anniversary" dates of terrible events with the A. God has His way of redeeming them. My DDay anniversary became the day my chemo ended. So, that's what I'll be remembering.

I'm sure God will do that for your days too.

Hi, SMB.



It doesn't have to be. Sure, I understand what it feels like to have constant reminders and triggers, but you can choose how you feel about them and what they mean to you. You just have to decide not to go there. It took me quite some time to be able to choose to do that. Maybe you choose not to because you aren't done grieving?


I have heard some Recoverees say that they have days pass in which they do not think of the A. That hasn't been the case for me. There isn't a day that passes that I am not reminded or that I don't think of it...but then again, I'm a million mph kind of thinker. But I've found that when I do think of it, it just doesn't have the same kind of power or hold over me that it used to. At this moment, I am remembering how difficult and painful it was...and for so long and thanking God that I am no longer in that place.

You'll get there.