Do you really think it is in their best interest to make them go there and play pretend with the very people who just betrayed them and welcomed the OW? Whose mission it was to destroy their family?

If I grew up and discovered I was played an unwitting dupe in such a scheme, I would be a little upset and don't think I would believe it was in my best interest to be around them.

How do your kids feel about all this, knowing that their grandparents openly welcomed their enemy into their family?

SMB...IMHO, you have nothing to do with anyone that has betrayed you or your family until such a time that they have apologized for their actions and they KNOW what they did wrong.

I would strongly suggest that until they ask for your forgiveness that the IL's are in fact an enemy of your marriage.

Gosh, Mel, that is exactly how I see it. Everyone just wanted FWH to be "happy". During those months (even before I knew they met her), I kept thinking, "Don't they want my children to be happy. Don't they want them to have what's BEST for them."


Mel, I gotta think on that one. I'm not real sure about booting them out of my kids lives, although I see your point. I gotta process that some more. My kids have been through so much, I don't know if I want to rock their world about this. They are just beginning to feel like life is back as it should be.

My kids do know that I was disappointed in all the "help" FWH got from his family in leaving his wife and children. They provided household items, furniture, etc. to help him set up house. I made a few sarcastic (my anger and hurt got the best of me) comments to my kids about how nice it was of them to help him leave us.

And wouldn't you know, my daughter, the one who REFUSED to even visit her father, said, "Well, mom, they ARE his family."

I said NO--WE are his family. And then I proceeded to tell them that if any one of them came to me for help after leaving their spouse, I would tell them to get their butt back home and do the right thing. I would not coddle them. I would REALLY HELP THEM by NOT enabling them to destroy their family.

Sounds like FIL and MIL are trying to pretend like everything's just "hunky-dorey" now that you two are back together and are trying to just sweep all that nastiness under the rug. Your DH SHOULD speak to them and give them an opportunity to apologize to YOU. If they refuse, then you'll know where they stand. They may not even think they did anything wrong unless someone points it out to them.

Do you HAVE to do a whole big family get together with them? Could you make it more intimate and just about your H and kids this year?

So now she believes that it is an act of "SUPPORT" to help a family member destroy himself and his family with cruel, destructive behavior. A LOVING family DOES NOT DO THAT. A family that DOES NOT CARE says stupid mindless, uncaring things like "we only want him to be happy" to excuse their lack of caring while they turn their heads to his self destruction. What kind of message does that send to your kids?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />


EXACTLY!


That is a lie. What they really wanted was to not get involved BECAUSE THEY DON'T GIVE A DAMN. They didn't care enough to take a stand and support your H in doing the right thing. Much easier just to go along. I guess you should be grateful your H is not a serial killer, huh?

Agree very much. Give them an opportunity to apologize to you and the kids for their CRUEL BEHAVIOR. MEAN PEOPLE SUCK!

Geeeeezzzzz....

You and Mel are always so tough.


They are obviously an enemy to my marriage. When FWH told FIL we were going to Vegas together, FIL said something like "are you sure that's what you want." Same kind of response about him moving home.

I would have expected him to jump for joy. Silly me, I thought he would want what was best for his SON AND GRANDCHILDREN!

You see, FIL and MIL got divorced when FWH was a teenager. They had a "happy" divorce (as I've said before). They supposedly fell out of love or were never "in love". However, the truth is, they both had affairs.

FWH has struggled for years with the divorce and being abandonded by his mother. FIL had the kids and was a "fun" dad that gave NO boundaries or limits. I'm sure you can imagine three teens with no limits.

Anyway, that following year, FIL went into treatment for alcoholism. FWH went in about 4 weeks later for alcohol and drugs. (I've mentioned a lot of this before). FIL and FWH have been clean and sober ever since. PRAISE GOD!

MIL remarried a few years later. FIL remarried about 10 years ago. FIL feels his life is great, and it all worked out for the best. Although he has 3 kids whose lives have been f*cked up one way or the other, he refuses to see the divorce as having any impact.

For him to acknoweldge that he did anything wrong to me and my children, he would have to go back and acknowledge his own grave mistakes. I don't see that happening. He feels too "happy", and just wants everyone around him to "get along and be happy". Those are the words he used with me when FWH was gone..."I just hope you guys are willing to get along and do what's best for the kids." His point in that conversation was that he didn't like the way I was treating FWH (you know, the boundaries and tough love that actually helped him want to come home) and was telling me he hoped *I* would just get along and do what's right for my kids.

WELL, WE DID DO WHAT'S BEST FOR THE KIDS!!! Didn't we?! FWH came home and our family is reunited...as GOD intends families to be.

OK, this has turned into a major vent. Obviously, I have some strong emotions going on about this.

I just am not convinced that removing my children's grandparents from their lives is in MY KIDS best interest.

I see that they did not do what my kids needed. OBVIOUSLY! But isn't it still better for my kids to have some relationship with their grandparents.

They come to their soccer games, karate tournaments, and piano recitals. They take them out and keep them overnight for their birthdays. These are things that my children cherish. They look forward to being with their grandparents for the holidays.

While they owe you an apology, it is certainly your H's responsibility to carry the water here. These are his parents and in as much, he needs to take the lead. Bottom line is, if they cannot see the error of their ways, they should not be allowed around your children. Do not take an apology that is offered just to have harmony. They need to spell out for you what they did wrong and vow that your family will have their support NO MATTER WHAT in the future.

simply, NO. They should not have a relationship with anyone that is an enemy to your family. NEVER.

Listen up.

I want to run and hide from these people right now. And you are all telling me I need to face them. UUUHHHHGGGG!

I was thinking that I could get through one day of Christmas and then not deal with them for awhile. You all really want me to dive into this?! Yes, you hear major whining!

I know that FWH was planning to eventually talk to each of his family about what all had happened and the role they played (or should I say did not play) in it. I am not sure that HE is ready to face all this right away though.

He is willing to do whatever I need. I don't want to expect him to talk with any of them about this, however, until he feels strong enough to do so.

How about you and Tst sitting down TOGETHER with the kids and explaining that while these are their grandparents, you BOTH do not AGREE with their behavior while dad was gone. Spell it out for them. They may look differently at grandma and grandpa but IMO they need to understand. Who knows what is said out of your presence by ILs? If your kids are GROUNDED in what is right and true, then they can better deflect the bad stuff.

I dunno, if it were me (and knowing what I know now about how ILs can influence children negatively) I would want it out in the open and made CLEAR.

I agree that it should wait until he is strong enough...but have no contact with them until this is accomplished...just my 2 cents.

smb, I very much dispute the notion that it is in the best interest of your children to have a "relationship" with folks who were willing and active accomplices in the destruction of their family and life as they know it. It is good for children to be around their grandparents, but only if those gp's have their best interest at heart. These people DO NOT.

These people were perfectly willing to kick their own grandkids down the stairs in order to be LIKED and to avoid any conflict.

PM, I like this idea. I think TST and I both could handle doing that together.

Then perhaps the kids can have a better understanding about whatever decisions we make about our Christmas celebration...whether it be we go and leave early or we don't go at all. I even entertained the thought of sending TST and kids without me. Yes, I know, TERRIBLE idea. I dismissed it pretty quickly; and TST would never agree to that one anyway.

I would prefer for them to know the truth.

PM's suggested sounds reasonable to me. Kids have to learn that everyone is human and thus all make errors of judgment. I would talk to FIL and let him know how hurt you were by his actions. I doubt he will be so cold and uncaring as to dismiss your hurt. Do you?

When my BROTHER was foolishly destroying his marriage with OW, I refused to even meet her until his divorce to my SIL was final. OW is already history,but SIL is still my SIL.

IMHO, meeting the OW at any point...divorce or not is a horrible thing to do. Affair partners should never be welcomed into a family...or even acknowledged as human for that matter.

Are you saying that after a divorce and after a remarriage...you would still NEVER see a family member's new spouse if she/he started out as the OW/OM? Would that extend to your family member as well, since they were clearly the other half of the affair?

Ok, I don't want to TJ SMB's thread....but I think that there can be forgiveness in this type of situation. I hope for SMBs sake SHE finds the peace of forgiveness....it will be for HER, not for her in-laws who absolutely were in the wrong to be so welcoming to an affair partner. SMB, it is soon though, so don't beat yourself up if you need more time! You are so inspiring to me!

An affairage partner would never be welcome in my home. Never. As far as seeing them, I would not avoid functions that my family had(but I would do my very best to avoid them during the function), but I would not go to the affair partners wedding or home. I would not recognize their marriage as legitimate in any way, shape or form. Nor would they ever darken my doorstep with their shadow.

FWH and I talked tonight. He apologized for not already dealing with his father and step-mother. I told him I hadn't expected him to have done that yet.

He talked with stepMIL this afternoon and told her that I wasn't going to do the shopping day with her this year. He had asked if his dad had told her that he wanted to sit down with the both of them and talk. She said yes, he had told her that. She asked if we were still doing Christmas, and he told her they really needed to have the talk first before he could discuss that.

He told me that Jennifer (from our MB counseling) had given him an assignment to sit down and talk with his family members and she gave him specifics on what to say.

I told TST that I posted about this here and he asked what you all said. He was not surprised by your responses.