I just posted a thread on name change and wasn't going to post this other thread so soon but I think the relationship is at a breaking point and I don't want to really seek a counselor for various reasons that will be mentioned later. This might be long so please stay with me.

As backround info, I was a virgin when we met, my wife was not, she had been with about a handful of guys (what I was told...probably a few short). Now don't get me wrong, as I said to my wife during our arguments, I don't really care about her past. The example I gave her is I don't care if she was with 5 guys at the same time, as long as she was willing to make me #6. Kind of show me the same interest.

Now her longest relationship was about 3 months, during that time she mentioned that she had sex with him about 30 times. That is about twice a week.

Now our relationship started out with her wanting to wait, made sense..none of her other relationships worked out. Now we tried after about 4-5 months with no success, she said it hurt as she hadn't had sex in a while. We continued to try but still no luck. So she went to her doctor to see if something was wrong, he said there wasn't and gave her a plastic toy to practice. Now when she got back she said she didn't like doing that but I thought maybe if she had a good one she would. So I went & bought her (embarassing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ) a few nicer ones...still nothing. After about another year of this (we got engaged during this time) I started stressing that she should go to a specialist, and finally she agreed..or so I thought. She came home one day in June and said she called and the Dr. didn't have an appointment until September. Of course September rolls around & she states that she didn't schedule the appointment because it was so far away (does this make sense to anyone?). I mean a few times during our arguments I had a few tears because it bothered me so much but that was still not enough for her to do anything. If you love someone, is it really hard to use a toy a few times or see a specialist to try to improve things?

So to try to shorten this, she pretty much lied on a few other occcasions about scheduling the appointment and she never did go. So fastforward till about 9 months after we were married (still no sex) & 2 years 8 months into our relationship. During one of our arguments I mentioned that I wasn't sure how long our relationship was going to last. Bingo, a week later we had sex 2 nights in a row. Of course little did I know she was no longer on the pill (she was when I met her...but was not having sex?) and she got pregnant. As predicted...sex dried up for the next 15 months. Over the next 2 years we probably had sex maybe twice a month at most. She did get pregnant again and sex dried up again. Now we are about 2 months after our child's birth and the relationship is pretty bad.

Just to summarize, It really bothered me that it took me about 5 years to pass what some other guy got in three months. It really bothered me that she made no effort during this process to fix her so called problem. I have told her many times that it was more the lack of effort or desire that really bothered me and made me feel unwanted. There are many other little things on top of this but just wouldn't be worth going into the details.

Now just to give the full story, after about 3 1/2 years of being together (we have been together about 6 1/2) I started to get verbally abusive. I was just so angry and hurt that I guess I was trying to make her feel the same way. The problem is I don't think she has ever really thought about how her actions would make me feel, she just thinks just a typical guy wanting sex. She looks at it as I have to fix my behavior to lead to more sex instead of her for once trying to initiate a better sex life to lead to a better behavior on my part.

She has made no effort to fix any problem in our relationship but recently she mentioned getting counseling. Now this was mentioned before our second child because I didn't want another child growing up without a father but she made no effort to contact one. I left it up to her because I wanted to see if she would try to make things better and show some desire/interest in our sexual problems. Now she is making the effort & I just feel like it is because she has her two kids now and it will be her way or the highway so to speak. I just don't know what to do, I don't think the counseling will fix any of the underlying issues, she mainly wants to go so we stop fighting in front of our kids and so I don't put her down. But that won't change how I have felt during this whole situation and judging from the past and the fact that we have two kids, I don't think her effort, interest or desire is going to be changing anytime soon. And to be honest, I was so supportive at the beginning and am a pretty easy going guy but I just don't see how I can change my behavior.

Sorry for the long post and thanks for any advice/opinions.

Hello again, I just answered your post about the name change. A couple things sprung to mind as I read your post. First of all, your wife has major issues and any kind of counseling will be of benefit. I'm speaking as a women who has had a lot of counseling in my life. It can be incredibly helpful if you view it as a tool and a partnership with a professional. Also, you blame the pregnancies for putting a damper on your sex life. As a husband, you also have a role to play in birth control. If she lies to you, well, there's not much you can do except put on a condom. You last comment was that you didn't see how you could change your behavior, I'm guessing because of all the accumulated hurt? It's basically a decision. You decide that saving the marriage is more important than your hurt feelings. You seem really hurt that she gave it to other guys after 3 months. Has it occurred to you that it was painful, humiliating, traumatic or a mistake? Does that bring any sympathy into your heart? If it does than you must still care for her and maybe you can both get something out of counseling, even if it is just a way to end this marriage for the health and well-being of the kids. Please take care. Know that your wife's issues do not make you an unlovable or undesirable man!
blessings,
Allison

Allison has an excellent point. I'd like to add that sex becomes more difficult and more risky the MORE you care for someone. It's true for men as well. Some experts hypothosize that's the reason why in general married people are become less risky in the bedroom.

I'm wondering if your wife may have been sexually abused. One of the ways a sexually abused person will act is to be promiscuous in the beginning, and then, develop a sexual aversion.

Regardless of why your wife has issues with sex, she obviously does. She needs to work on them, and that will be very scary for her.

On the other hand, you being verbally abusive is not going to help the matter at all. Have you read the section on Angry Outbursts? Have you read how many points they withdraw? If you want to save your marriage at all, you need to stop doing it, and I don't care how hurt and frustrated you are.

Here's why: Good counseling is terrible. It's aweful. The only a very high level of motivation will bring people to do it. You rip off a bandage that scar material has actually grown into. And you are raw and bleeding and hurting all over again. Eventually, if you continue to treat it properly, it will heal nicely and you won't need a big bandage. You'll just have a nice little scar.

However, it takes a while to get to that point. First, there's just pain.

Now, you want your wife to do this in order to save your marriage. How motivated do you think she'll be to do this hard work if you are yelling at her, scaring her, intimidating her? If you are doing all that, and she weighs the pain of lossing you compared to the pain of dealing wiht her issues, what will the balance show?

Her fear of losing you needs to greatly exceed her fear of facing her issues. The only way that can happen is if you are the best possible you.

The best possible you is not verbally abusive.


Read everything about the basic concepts if you haven't already. There are some good articles on sexual adversion and how to bring your spouse back from that point.

I also agree with Allison, but I see your view because my boyfriend has the same one. I'm wondering if you're giving her the affection or any other emotional need she's after...when my boyfriend stopped kissing me and saying loving things as much as he did, or with as much earnesty as he did, I stopped wanting to put effort into sex because I didn't feel motivated. He confronted me about it, and since then I've been trying very hard to give him what he needs because I don't want him to leave me...I mention this because you said you had sex 2 nights in a row after mentioning it to her that it was serious enough for you to consider leaving.

I also have pain with having sex, which happened about 2 months after being molested by a stranger, which obviously was very traumatizing. I didn't think about it at the time as being the source of my pain, since it wasn't penetrative, but after I went to a doctor and they said nothing was wrong, I figured that may be why. Now the anticipation of pain during sex also makes me not want to do it. This frustrates my partner, as I can understand, but when he blames me for it, it makes me feel hurt and guilty for something that I know isn't my fault.

I've also noticed that the more supportive my boy is of the pain I feel during intercourse, the more time he gives me, and the more affection I receive beforehand, the pain is less intense, and the experience is more welcome. Pain caused by emotional trauma is mentally triggered, not physically caused; if this is what your wife has, support definitely helps in the long run.

The key is to be supportive, no matter how frustrating the issue becomes. The more resentment you show, the less likely she will be to want to fix it, and the more apt she'll be to give up the fight altogether.

You might want to purchase the book, "Intimate Issues - 21 Questions Christian Women Ask About Sex" by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus. Excellent. You can also get it at the library. Even if your wife won't read it, you should. It will help a lot.

EE

I realize that this is an old thread that has been resurrected, but I thought I'd throw in my two cents anyway.

My X and I have a somewhat similar backstory (experienced woman, virgin husband). I will share what was going on in my relationship, maybe it will give you some ideas.

"She looks at it as I have to fix my behavior to lead to more sex instead of her for once trying to initiate a better sex life to lead to a better behavior on my part."

"I left it up to her because I wanted to see if she would try to make things better and show some desire/interest in our sexual problems."

This is harsh, but with an attitude like this you are doomed. This is not your wife's problem--it's both of yours. She needs to feel loved and accepted despite the fact that she is having sexual issues, because more than likely your relationship with her is what is causing the issues in the first place.

Counseling will be a disaster, because you will be expecting the other person to change. This is the wrong way to think. In order for counseling to succeed, your attitude has to be "I realize that there are problems in our marriage and it isn't what it should be. I can only control my behavior, so I want to learn what it is that I do that upsets my partner so that I can modify it."

Counseling isn't about fixing the other person--it's about fixing yourself. I saw a quote recently that summed it up well--the secret to marriage isn't being with the right person, it's being the right person.

My X wanted to blame our issues on me, and I wanted to blame them on him. This attitude led to an eventual affair on his part and our divorce.

After having read the Marriage Builders concepts, I realized that neither of us were meeting each other's emotional needs, which made me not want to have sex. Because of that and other factors, I became depressed. Sex began to hurt and I wasn't enjoying it. I thought there must be something physically wrong with me.

Does your wife have any sort of libido? As in does she get turned on by anything? During this time, whenver I'd see a love scene on TV or in movies instead of enjoying it, it repulsed me. It was like a part of me was dead inside.

The other part was that my husband, despite stating that he had no problems with my past, was intimidated by me in bed. I was used to letting the guy take the lead in bed. Not that I wanted to be dominated, but it's more like how in dancing the man typically leads.

He didn't know how to do this, and would shut down whenever I tried to tell him what I liked. In his mind I was telling him that he was inadequate.

During the course of our divorce, I went on some anti-depressants, went to counseling, started eating well and exercising. Low and behold, my libido came back. The irony of it all was that he was no longer interested in sex with me, because he had started having an affair in the meanwhile.

Read His Needs, Her Needs. It will help immensely.

I recently came across a book that had both of us read we might not have had these problems.

It's called Ideal Marriage--Physiology and Technique. It was originally written by a Dutch gynecologist in 1926 as a sex and relationship manual. It leaves no stone unturned. Interestingly enough, most of the concepts are identical to the MB principles.

http://www.amazon.com/Ideal-Marriage-Its...2992&sr=8-1