My journey with my WW officially began one month ago when she admitted to having a PA, however I pretty much new for 8 months before that. That is when God had truly dealt with my and my emotions over the A. When she told me, it was almost a relief to get the monkey off my back. The A happened with her "first love" who is single. We have been married for 7 years and together for 11. Here is what is going on. For the last year, I have been in the Middle East. She first admitted to the affair to her best friend at church who then went immediately with her to our pastor and told him. She then told me later that day on the phone. She was crying and said, "She truly wants to make our marriage work." She told me how sorry she was and that it was over between them, and can I please come home for good (knowing full well I will not be home for good until August)." I felt like TOTAL CRAP that I could not just pack up and come home. A couple of nights later she said that she had to see him and that she needed closure. I told her NOT to do it but obviously can't make her as I am 10,000 miles away. She told me she saw him that night but that they did not have sex. I KNOW BETTER THOUGH. After that, her whole disposition changed back to the, she doesn't know if she wants to be married anymore, she has not loved me since before our kids (daughters are 3 and 4 btw) and she is in love with him. I went on leave at the beginning of the month and got back 5 days ago. She was the same way while I was home. Now, this guy is in jail and an alcoholic. I know he is in jail because while I was home, she locked herself in the bathroom and was whispering to her friend asking her if she can watch the kids while she goes to see him in jail after she dropped me off at the airport!!! I was crushed but would not let her know it. I looked up what he was in jail for on the internet, and it said that he was there for DWI which violated his probation. I am full trusting God that he is going to restore our marriage, and can't wait to be home in August to be with her and help her through this. Right now, am truly OK about the A, but know she is not. I know right now she is an emotional wreck and all I want is to be there for her. It kills me that I can't for 2 more months. I also know that I am responsible for giving her a reason to look elswhere for what she needed, but also know that she cheated all on her own. i just need some encouragement through this difficult process. I love her with all my heart (and want our marriage to work for our kids), but don't want to be a doormat either. I am working Plan A pretty well, but feel like I am a doormat for her emotional outbursts and stuff. HOW DO I HANDLE THIS???? Any help would be appreciated.

GHA,

I'm sorry to hear about the mess you are facing. I hope and pray God heals your marriage.

Sounds like your W is stuck solidly in the A. And trying to see the affair partner the same day you left isn't a hopeful sign. She is obviously not thinking well and screwy emotions are a natural fallout to the behavior she's been engaging in. While you do want to support her emotionally, you don't want to let her place unfair blame on you (many WSs do this) -- to the extent she can be objective/rational you want to help her see this thing for what it is (an affair that could kill your marriage) while holding out grace and hope that healing and restoration is possible. She'll have to do some hard work to become honest and faithful.

Thankfully your W has a friend who cared enough about your family to help. Do you believe that exposure (as talked about here) will help to end the affair? Plan A isn't just being a doormat.

Will you write back why you think your spouse is having an A?

You seem awfully forgiving, perhaps to the point that I wonder if you are being honest about your emotions. Maybe you've been unfaithful in the past? In my case anger didn't fade this quickly.

God bless,

- WG

Exposure with her family is something I have thought about, especially with her mother, because she is the type that her daughter can do no wrong. Supposedly she already knows, but probably knows my wife's version of the truth. I know that a huge part of the reason my wife is having an affair is because I ignored problems in our marriage because I was stupid and loved my XBOX (ridiculous I know)...But for the last year, I have truly tried to be a Godly husband and be the man that she needs me to be. As far as having an affair, I have never had one in our seven years of marraige. I had an EA while we were dating, but never went physical. i saw where and how I made that mistake and FIXED it for my wife and I. She has and always been the only woman I have ever been with physically. I am truly and always have been committed to our marriage and would never screw it up with anything like that. That is not me. I am more angry that she brought this guy over to the house, so much that my kids were calling me by HIS name, and that HIS CRAP is still in OUR bedroom. That makes me more angry than the actual sex!!! I thank you for your prayers...

what an awful example your wife is setting for your young children.

I am sorry you have to be so far away right now. Hopefully, your long distance plan A will help you and when you get back in August you'll have a better shot at helping her end the A and recovering your marriage.