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piojitos,
Asking what if he divorces me is like asking what if he dies before I do. There's nothing I can do about it either way and the only way to prepare is financially.
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His usual reaction to any marital conflict is to run off to be by himself and/or threaten me with divorce. “Usual” is a word that you and he will not be using very much (that is probably a good thing). What is his ETA from his business assignment? Mr. G
"You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows," Bob Dylan
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How about a final thought that just tells him that you are willing to love him through this, that you are in the process of learning to do that - and that you have begun to make changes with this in mind? That when, if, he is ready, you are too?
Just a short sentence would do.
It would have helped me tremendously if my husband had done something like that - to know that he cared enough to prepare to love me through it. And to prepare himself to do so.
SB
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sb, good idea. I'll add something like that also. Mr. G, What is his ETA from his business assignment? What's an ETA? If you mean the date his contract is up, it is up the second week of July. He's a computer IT/telecom/network professional.
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recognize that you also owe an explanation and apology to every wife that you have harmed too. Any of the WS that slept with you that have a wife at home deserve notification from you and if I were your H I would be appreciative of you having the contact information for those families ready to go as soon as you disclose. He can contact the OBS as soon as he sees fit and then your NC letters should be sent out immediately afterwards by your H.
ETA is estimated time of arrival.
Make sure that if your H decides to divorce you over this... and lets hope he doesn't... that you make that process as painless as possible for him. Realize that because you were unfaithful that no matter what the courts may or may not say, it will not be fair of you to walk away from your M with more than the minimum that you can live on. Your H should not suffer ANY financial loss as a result of your actions. In fact if he decides to stay...in addition to your passwords, you should offer to sign a post nuptual agreement that states that in the event of a divorce, he gets all the marital assets.
Good luck.
Last edited by mkeverydaycnt; 06/24/07 07:05 PM.
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mk,
Like I said, because of past history if my husband tells me he wants a divorce I have no way of knowing if he's serious or not. Because he cried wolf so many times I'll have to assume he's not until he files papers. After that, then yeah I'd want it to be amicable. But I wouldn't want to give him a divorce just so he can tell me 3 months later he wants me back.
A post-nuptual agreement and even a pre-nuptual agreement is just a plan to divorce. This is one of those cases in which having a fall-back plan means you WILL fall back. I do not believe in them.
As for assets, we don't have any. As for the kids, I would have to take them because he can't handle the medical problems they have now and he doesn't know how to cook. I don't want to go into that, though.
As for the other wives, one of them already knows and her husband has been faithful for two years. Writing her a letter now wouldn't do anything but hurt her.
Another can't be contacted - the OM moved away. I have no idea where he is now.
The other one is married to a man who was doing men long before I was with him. Their marriage has much bigger problems than just me, and it's not my place to tell her her husband is bisexual. I don't even know her.
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As for the other wives, one of them already knows and her husband has been faithful for two years. Writing her a letter now wouldn't do anything but hurt her.
Another can't be contacted - the OM moved away. I have no idea where he is now.
The other one is married to a man who was doing men long before I was with him. Their marriage has much bigger problems than just me, and it's not my place to tell her her husband is bisexual. I don't even know her. You're just so smart and seem to have an answer for everything, don't you. I would suggest regardless of what YOU may think is going on in those marriages, you still owe those women the truth of what you did with their husbands. You don't get to decide if they need to know or not, or if it will benefit their marriages or lives in some way. The point is you tell them so THEY can make those decisions for themselves. Lets try this excuse on for size, Aph. YOU don't want to be inconvenienced or put in an uncormfortable situation by having to revisit those adulterous situations in writing where you're apologizing for them. Jo
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Working on One Self
[color:"blue"] Lesson Two:
Cease using your intelligence to manipulate people and situations where you benefit (passively or not) from the outcome
Defer to Lesson One [Be Honest] [/color]
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A post-nuptual agreement and even a pre-nuptual agreement is just a plan to divorce. This is one of those cases in which having a fall-back plan means you WILL fall back. I do not believe in them. I heartily agree with this sentiment.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Jo, Lets try this excuse on for size, Aph. YOU don't want to be inconvenienced or put in an uncormfortable situation by having to revisit those adulterous situations in writing where you're apologizing for them. Okay, I admit I'm making excuses because I'm not ready for that step now. But it's not apologizing I'm afraid of. It's that the two married OMs I still have contact information for were friends of mine for years (even before anything inappropriate happened.) I still care about one of them in particular. I've already betrayed my husband and ratting them out would feel like I'm betraying them too. I know there is no sympathy here for OPs, but what they did is no worse than what I did. I may feel differently at a later date, but it's scary as heck to me now.
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I know there is no sympathy here for OPs, but what they did is no worse than what I did. Secular Humanism at it's best? So much for the "new you" and your recommitment to your chosen "value system." It really is, in your mind, all "just relative," isn't it? You just can't see that because of the dense fog. This is just another example of WHY giving advice to you is a waste of time right now. You STILL don't get it and you STILL want to remain "in control" and making decisions for everyone else based upon what you want. And you'll find a rationalization and justification to support ANY "want." One more time, Aphaeresis... WHY should your husband believe anything you are going to tell him about "giving up" your selfishness and that he should remain married to you? And I wonder how a newly Betrayed Spouse, reading this self-serving stuff, would feel about the chances of recovery his/her own marriage with their Wayward Spouse?
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But it's not apologizing I'm afraid of. It's that the two married OMs I still have contact information for were friends of mine for years (even before anything inappropriate happened.) I still care about one of them in particular. I've already betrayed my husband and ratting them out would feel like I'm betraying them too. I know there is no sympathy here for OPs, but what they did is no worse than what I did. I think about my friends, and wonder if I could ever care so little for them that I would help them to destroy their own integrity, along with their marriage and families by having meaningless, shallow sex with them. Telling myself all the while that I have sexual needs that need to be met outside of my own committed relationship/marriage. I think somewhere along the line your perspective of love, sex and marriage have become so skewed that it is difficult even for me (I had lived a free wheeling single's life for years) to understand or relate to in any way. You're view is so strange that you even call the likes of Mel a prude. These ladies, committed, Resilient, Mel are among the most passionate women I have ever had the pleasure of reading. Do you understand passion, Aph? Do you ever go to bed with a passion so strong that it is still burning strong into the morning hours when you get up and meet the day again? A passion that over-flows into your marriage, your job, your relations with your children? It is sometimes called a purpose, and it starts with a deep love and concern for your own family, and the families of others. And when you are really lucky, it over-flows into the sex life you have with your husband. This is what the ladies on here know, and live. To call them prudes is laughable, and it is incredibly sad to see someone miss the mark so completely as you have seem to have done. Ark had posted an essay on the sacredness of sex. I cannot find it any longer but I wish I could post it to you now. I think you see the sunny side of the street, so to speak and are trying to find a way over to that side. If this is the case, I commend you and wish you all the best in your journey. If this is not the case and you are simply playing a game here, well then I think you would be an excellent example for M. Scott Peck to use in his next "People of the Lie" book. Because the words that are coming out of your mouth are totally berift (is that a word) of any spiritualism, or enlightenment at all.
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Aph-
Just a thought. You do know that one of the first things your H is going to do is to want the 'list' of who all you've slept with, right? What do you think HIS reaction is going to be? Odds are high that he's going to insist a couple of things...one, of course that you no longer maintain ANY kind of friendship/relationship/contact with them of any kind whatsoever.
The second is very likely going to be that you tell their spouses...or he will.
It's GOING to happen. That damage was done when you slept with them...it was just delayed until now. However, you're now afforded the opportunity to try to make right, ON YOUR OWN.
So, where do you go from here?
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I've already betrayed my husband and ratting them out would feel like I'm betraying them too. This is what is bothering me the most about your thread. It's your perspective "ratting them out", "betraying them too". You do realize that it takes total honesty to live a life of integrity, as well as have a marriage of intimacy. When you believe to your very core that sex/affairs outside of a committed relationship is harmful on many different levels, as well as to your marriage, to all who participate than you will not be able to comprehend participating in it. When you finally understand that other people (your spouse, the spouses of the O/M's you had affairs with) are every bit as valuable and important as you are, you will want them to have the information they need to make the choices they need to make with their lives. In other words the practice of deception as it relates to other human beings, and not just as it relates to yourself will be intolerable to you. And harming yourself or others will be something you can no longer do. I think of these kinds of realizations "the gift of grace", or "God's grace". Because it is a gift of grace to finally get to this place, and it is amazing to see the changes in your life and perspective once you get it. I hope this for you Aph, and then you will know true happiness and peace. I keep reading your thread trying to get a sense of your sincerity. It's hard to tell when someone is so totally at odds with what you believe, as you are with me, but I think you are sincere, I hope you are for your sake so that you can know joy in your life and in your marriage once again.
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Aphaeresis,
I was very disappointed to see you call people who don’t believe in premarital sex and/or people that believe sex is supposed to be a beautiful act/gift between 2 people who love each other, “prudes” and “frigid” people. This is a DJ, totally untrue and a very skewed and wrong perception. I don’t believe in premarital sex too because of my religious beliefs. I view sex as a very sacred, beautiful and intimate act/gift between a husband and wife…a deep way of expressing their love and desire for each other. I believe anything less than that makes sex cheap and shallow…and God did NOT created sex to be used & abused as a cheap and irresponsible act between human beings.
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and God did NOT created sex to be used & abused as a cheap and irresponsible act between human beings. htis argument will fall on deaf ears since she does not believe in God... which is her right. Her views about things other than God...since some very intelligent people deny the existence of any god(s)...are very childish at best. Look at her arguments for not exposing to the OMW's. Clearly this is a woman that not only lacks the integrity to see her way out of this...she also obviously lacks the wisdom and desire to do so. Her own words point to her lack of understanding and caring regarding every victim of her whorish activities (note, activity... not person). This is a woman that just clearly doesn't see that there is a world beyond the end of her nose(or tongue). MEDC
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I know there is no sympathy here for OPs, but what they did is no worse than what I did. OKAY, well DUH...You are all in the same boat in this...You all BETRAYED and VICTIMIZED other people...NONE of you have that right...Just as your husband deserves the truth about his life, so do the other innocent spouses involved...Why wouldn't they? It matters not how they get the truth, only that they get it, so don't come and argue that it would be better if their husbands told them, because that is bullcrap, and not even good bullcrap...Aph, they are YOUR VICTIMS...YOU OWE THEM...And guess what, if you need to feel somehow altruistic in this, your OMs would BENEFIT from this in the long run as well...WAYWARD IS NOT A GREAT THING TO BE-IT IS HORRIFIC AND BAD FOR EVERYONE...It would give the OMs the chance to live a good life-to live "authentically" if you will...Living a LIE is not good for anyone...I fully expect you to change your mind...Today even...Whaddaya say? Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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The other one is married to a man who was doing men long before I was with him. Their marriage has much bigger problems than just me, and it's not my place to tell her her husband is bisexual. I don't even know her. *THUD* You KNOW that this woman is being exposed to someone that engages in risky sexual practices-and really that includes ALL of your OMs, not just this "bisexual" one...Anyway, you have information that this woman could very well LOSE HER LIFE...That's right, she could DIE...And you want to sit on that??? How does not telling fit with the tenets of Secular Humanism that you posted??? The Affirmations of Humanism:
A Statement of Principles
We are committed to the application of reason and science to the understanding of the universe and to the solving of human problems.
We deplore efforts to denigrate human intelligence, to seek to explain the world in supernatural terms, and to look outside nature for salvation.
We believe that scientific discovery and technology can contribute to the betterment of human life.
We believe in an open and pluralistic society and that democracy is the best guarantee of protecting human rights from authoritarian elites and repressive majorities.
We are committed to the principle of the separation of church and state.
We cultivate the arts of negotiation and compromise as a means of resolving differences and achieving mutual understanding.
We are concerned with securing justice and fairness in society and with eliminating discrimination and intolerance.
We believe in supporting the disadvantaged and the handicapped so that they will be able to help themselves.
We attempt to transcend divisive parochial loyalties based on race, religion, gender, nationality, creed, class, sexual orientation, or ethnicity, and strive to work together for the common good of humanity.
We want to protect and enhance the earth, to preserve it for future generations, and to avoid inflicting needless suffering on other species.
We believe in enjoying life here and now and in developing our creative talents to their fullest.
We believe in the cultivation of moral excellence.
We respect the right to privacy. Mature adults should be allowed to fulfill their aspirations, to express their sexual preferences, to exercise reproductive freedom, to have access to comprehensive and informed health-care, and to die with dignity.
We believe in the common moral decencies: altruism, integrity, honesty, truthfulness, responsibility. Humanist ethics is amenable to critical, rational guidance. There are normative standards that we discover together. Moral principles are tested by their consequences.
We are deeply concerned with the moral education of our children. We want to nourish reason and compassion.
We are engaged by the arts no less than by the sciences.
We are citizens of the universe and are excited by discoveries still to be made in the cosmos.
We are skeptical of untested claims to knowledge, and we are open to novel ideas and seek new departures in our thinking.
We affirm humanism as a realistic alternative to theologies of despair and ideologies of violence and as a source of rich personal significance and genuine satisfaction in the service to others.
We believe in optimism rather than pessimism, hope rather than despair, learning in the place of dogma, truth instead of ignorance, joy rather than guilt or sin, tolerance in the place of fear, love instead of hatred, compassion over selfishness, beauty instead of ugliness, and reason rather than blind faith or irrationality.
We believe in the fullest realization of the best and noblest that we are capable of as human beings. Your not telling violates TONS of these principles-I was gonna bold the ones that applied but so many of them do and you seem quite intelligent, so I'm sure you can figure that out for yourself...You say that you now want to adhere to SecHum, that doing so is important to you...So what gives? Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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