For those of you who haven't read my first post with my story, here is the link... http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3260341

Now, here is the latest, my WW calls earlier and tells me she wants him (and his mother who helps keep her tied to this thing)out of here life for good, but needs help. it is hard for me to help her because I am in the Middle East until August. Do y'all have any suggestions as to how I can help her? I have read through this entire site and we have done some of the questionnaires together while I was on leave earlier this month. How do i know she means it THIS time as compared to one month ago when she revealed the A to me? I am working Plan A pretty well, although sometimes I have had lapses in judgement but recently have done very well. I have not gotten the books yet but will when I go home in August for good. I love her with all my heart and am continually praying for her for divine strength. She says she has panic attacks all the time, could that be from guilt from the A? I appreciate everyone for their stories as it has helped me tremendously for the last month. I am truly trying to be strong for her.

I know for certain that when my WW wanted out of her A, she was incapable of doing it on her own. She begged me to make her quit. How can you know she means it? You'll never know. But you have to believe and not give up hope. What she is saying isn't unreasonable. But she may well need help to quit. What measures can she take?

Our friend from church who she confided in originally about the affair said she could move in with her to have some spiritual help through the roughest part while I am not there. She said she doesn't want to though, but that is the fog talking I think. Other than that, I don't know....

Well that is more or less along the lines of what I was thinking. She may need someone keeping her accountable. I know it seems pathetic and it is. I just know that once my wife knew she had to end her A, she was incapable without extreme measures. I think the room mate is a good plan.

Well, I think it is a good plan too, but can't make her. I just want her to finally get rid of this loser so we can move on with our marriage. I just don't understand why I continue to pay for her choice.

When you say "pay", do you mean monetarily? If so, I wonder why you do to.

I mean figuratively...As a BS, we get screwed over to begin with, and they continue to play with emotions it seems like...Maybe I'm wrong...

Oh. That's what you meant. No sympathy then. You are doing it because you love her. Nothing wrong with that.

GHA,

Having a friend spend more time with here, and even move in sounds like a good idea to me. Ideally, the friend is able to communicate acceptance and not be judgmental of your wife as a person. Your wife needs a grounded friend she can speak openly with / go out for coffee or to a movie with (i.e., not just a jailkeeper).

Your wife may have guilt about the A. That could contribute to panic attacks. But it could also be other factors like feeling that her life is out of control / not going as it should be.

Ultimately, as you even said, you can't make your wife (do anything). God gives us all free will, you don't want to take away your wife's. Part of what gives Plan A its power is that you want to give your wife lots of motivation to herself choose the marriage, not the affair.

Though we'd all like too, you can't directly give your spouse the desire to leave the affair.

What are some things you can do.

* When you write to her or talk to her, do tell her about your
thoughts and feelings about your day to day experiences. It may help her remember a truer picture of who you are and why she loves you.

* Also, probably more importantly, listen to her.

* Convey hope. Hope for your joint future together. Hope that she will have a meaningful, purposeful, satisfying life. Hope that one day this will be a distant part of your joint past.

* Pray for her. Besides inviting God to interact, it may change your thinking about your wife. You may better understand her needs, fears, and person.

* Learn how you can be not just a better husband, but a better person. Are you judgmental? (I am). Do you have controlling tendencies (I do). Are you selfish (I am). These aren't just relationship issues.

* Only praise her in front of your kids. You'd like her to do that with you right? (Well the Golden Rule applies).

* Ask her to get rid of the Xbox for you. Tell her you realize that it didn't bring you closer together as a couple/family and you would appreciate it if she would do this for you while you are away. You are asking her help/support/teamwork in becoming a better spouse. [You aren't doing it to get change in her, but because it is a good thing for you to do. She 'might' see anew how much you care about the marriage]. (In my case, falling asleep on the couch in front of the TV was at least as bad a habit as an Xbox).

* For your own benefit make a list of what you find good in her.
Don't give up if its hard.

Maybe others here can add some thoughtful suggestions.

- WG

I am doing all those things, even though sometimes it is very difficult too..God has truly helped me through this process and is continuing to guide my footsteps.

This is the crap I DON'T understand...I just got off the phone with WW. i asked her how her day was and she said fine..Always Fine..I asked her if there was anything I could pray for her about and she said no, that she was, guess what, fine...She said that the last two days I have been different (cold or nonchalant)...no, I have not told her I love her(only way I have been different in my eyes), not because I don't want to, but because I don't want the rejection of her not saying anything back. She also told me that I said it too much, which is another reason I have laid off of saying it. Anyway, what is the deal with that??? Somebody help...Yesterday it was all about her panic attack and her wanting to get rid of him for good and do what is right...I just don't understand it...

God_heals_all - Dear brother in the Lord, do you want some "tough truth" along with answers to some of your questions? My guess is that the answer, even if it pains you, is "yes," because you've had enough of lies, deceit, and lack of information.

If you care to know more about my own situation (so you'll know I have some understanding of what you are going through and what you are facing) let me know and I'll tell you about it or provide you some links to 5 years ago when I sat in a similar situation. In the meantime, suffice it to say that my wife and I just returned from celebrating our 32nd anniversary and are deeply in love with each other. I say that so that you can KNOW that there IS hope, all is NOT lost, and that this time of trial and tribulation CAN result in a stronger, better marriage, and that God is faithful to your signature line reference to Romans 8:28-29.




There is not a lot that you can do while you are still deployed. Stay in contact with her as much as you can and keep reading all you can about Emotional Needs, and the concepts here on MB, in order to build your knowledge base and to begin to work on "Plan A" changes in yourself.

I am assuming from what you've written that your wife is a believer, so praying for her and for God's protection for her are also paramount. Emotionally she is most likely very weak at this time and ANY contact, for any reason, with the OM or his mother is likely to set her back to "square one." Hence, one of the "weapons" in this war for you to employ, even though it is often HARD, is patience. Couple that with endurance, because it IS hard at any time, but even more so when you are separated as you now are. Once you return, you will be in a much better position to be active in helping her.




Keep doing this. You need to really understand these things in order to be prepared for when you return home.





She does mean it, but she is also struggling with her flesh. She has destroyed her barrier and until it is rebuilt she will remain vulnerable. It's NOT just a matter of will, it's the ensnarement of sin and the difficulty in extricating oneself from it.





Your "lapses" are most likely due to the extreme emotional impact of adultery. They are normal, but they are not fatal and they are not unchangeable. Recognize them for what they are and commit to NOT Love Bust, etc., as hard as it is to do some times.





Of course. No believer can "serve two masters," and that is what she is trying to do. Sin has no place with God, so the indwelling Holy Spirit will "convict" her of her sin. Therefore, she will be aware of the wrongness of what she's been doing and needs to understand what "surrendering her will to God's will" means.






You ARE already strong for her. Here is the "ammo" you need to keep going. Philippians 4:13. You CAN do all that is necessary and needed through Christ.

Talk with her about a Christian "accountability partner" to help her, someone she can call anytime the "urge" to speak with the OM or anyone connected to her affair hits, at least until you can get home to be her "live-in" support.


God bless.

FH,
Thank you so much for the encouraging words. I really felt like the Lord used you to speak to me and reassure me. Thank you so much for being a vessel of the Most High. I pray blessings on your marriage and that God will continue to use you on this board.
Your brother in Christ,
GHA