First time poster here and I'm hoping the pros at MB can steer me in the right direction.

My brother has been involved in an affair since Sept. 06. His first marriage ended because of flings with call girls and ONS on business trips and since that time he has become a different person. He reconnected spiritually, began counseling to address his issues, and married a wonderful, supportive woman.

Now he is at it again, only this time it involves feelings of "Love". He is very deep in the fog and his responses are classic fog-talk. D-Day was June 12th and exposure to us (family) was on the 13th.

Here is my problem: my sister-in-law had to leave for a business trip to China and will be gone for 2 weeks. She has done some sleuthing and found the identity of the OW and OW's husband (they are separated and supposedly divorcing). Sister-in-law tried to make contact with the OW's husband and was not successful. Now she has emailed me the contact info. and is asking me to get in touch with him. Sister-in-law wants truthful responses since my brother has become quite good at lying. She can't move forward until she finds some answers.

Brother doesn't show much interest in ending the affair, yet hasn't done anything to move out or separate. He's very embarrassed about his family knowing. He is very involved with his church and children's lives.

I don't know what to do. I want to help out, but not at the expense of destroying our family. When does the extended family have a right to get involved? Should I contact the OW's husband to "compare notes"? Or should I just give moral support and not actively get involved?

My brother has two precious children from his 1st marriage who mean everything to me.

My brother is a successful lawyer who's life has always been easy. I haven't talked to him since exposure because I'm far to angry. His selfish behavior effects ALL of us.

Please advise, oh wise ones. Thank you!

I believe your allegiance belongs to the MARRIAGE--but your primary contact there is your brother. Therefore, rather than doing the leg-work for SIL and contacting OWH and "comparing notes," I would express to SIL that you are 100% behind the MARRIAGE and will not tolerate or enable your brother in his affair, but that contacting OWH is not okay with you. Let SIL email from China to OWH herself...or if SIL is in a part of China that does not have access to email, MAYBE offer to forward an email that she writes that explains what is happening and when she'll be back in town to get in touch with OWH and ask for his help then.

Here's the way I see it. Once extended family has the info that their child or sibling is actively in an affair, it becomes their job to not enable or encourage it--in fact, to do all they can to encourage him to end it!! Do not keep it a secret--do not allow OW to come to "family gatherings"--do not hide it from your pastor or his pastor or ANYONE who could help your brother see that what he is doing is wrong and he needs to return and recommit to his wife!

That being said, you can not "make" your brother end his affair any more than you can "make" an alcoholic stop drinking. And it's not your position to get "in the middle" between OWH and SIL. That is her position and her place. If she wants to get answers or "compare notes" with OWH they can probably catch the affairees in a bunch of lies--but that is for SIL to do, not you.

That's JMHO.

Your faithful friend,



CJ

P.S. If your family is "destroyed" by this, remember that it is your brother's actions that caused the destruction--NOT you bringing the truth to the light of day.

My opinion is a little different.

I see no problem at all with any family who are willing, to be involved in trying to end the A. Of course it is all up to your brother, but no one should make this easy on him.

It has to be horrible for your SIL to have to go to China, the helpless feeling of knowing he will take advantage of her absence, yet hoping that more time with the OW will result in the A starting to lose its luster.

I am totally in favor of you contacting OWH, if you are willing to do so. (It sounds like you are.) Do NOT contact the OW, she is not the problem of anyone on your brother's side of the equation.

If OWH knew that there was an A, and also that there was still hope for a happier M, he might rethink the D, if a D is even truly happening. Him getting this info could make all the difference in his M, and also likely help your brother's M to survive.

Your SIL is so fortunate to have a true friend like you!

PS This is Neak, not AJ, oops. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> I didn't see we were logged in as him.

Thank you so much for your quick responses. I am very pro-marriage and would never do anything to enable my brother and the choices he is making. At this point, my concern isn't even for him, but for his wife and children. He's a big boy and will have to live the consequences of his actions.

My sister-in-law, on the other hand, is a wonderful person who desperately wants her marriage to work. She has no family in our state and is crying out for help. I have referred her to this website but don't know if she able to access it while in China.

Sister-in-law only has the physical address of the OW's husband, not an email address. I have his phone number. My brother will be furious if I get involved. He doesn't know that I have any information. I feel like I have been "played" by my brother because I gave him a listening ear when he recently called and talked about about being unhappy in his marriage. Now that I know about the OW, I do want to help out sister-in-law, but not at the expense of losing the opportunity to be an aunt to my niece and nephew.

I should also add that our family is pretty close and frequently have big family gatherings. Our opinions really do matter to him, believe it or not.

Thanks for listening. Still don't know what to do....

Your real bro w/b glad you got involved. The WS in him w/b furious anyway so help your SIL out. Contact OW's H and let him know that his W is betraying her family. Let OW's H know that your family does not approve of the A and due to very special circumstances you are having to notify him in this manner.

Ask if he needs direction and if so, send him to his nearest MC familiar w/ MB concepts or send him to Jennifer C @ MB.

You may want to change the location of your SIL's visit so he won't connect your post with his sitch if he finds a way to come here.

Recommend he get the book: Suriving an Affair, His needs /Her needs and Love must be Tough. 1st 2 are by Harley and the 3rd is by Dobson.

All are good to help him find out how to best prepare and protect himself and his family from the WS. If recovery later becomes an option, then he will also be prepared. For now he needs to get protected.

Recommend he seek help and NOT resort to anything illegal or something he will regret.

Let him know can create his own support group to help him through this mess. If he isn't willing or appreciative of your call, just let it go. If he makes threats, you will be forced to notify the police.

U R already involved. Complete the tasks ahead of you. It is in the interest of all involved but it will take hard work.

U R a good SIL. I am sure the BS is grateful.

take care,
L.