Sorry to be a downer, but these last few days have been rough and I don't have anyone else to talk to.

Went to court last week. D will be final in 29 days. I dread it! Was so hoping WH would have woken up and saw what he did and come back to us by now.

He's still living with OW, who's 17 yrs. younger, for over a year now.

I've been in Plan B faithfully, just have to see WH in court.

I guess I'm asking the question 1000's want answers to...do he ever wake up?, will he ever try and come back?

If I knew he and OW wouldn't last, I'd feel better, but now with the D coming, my kids will be around her. I have orders in place now to keep her away from them, but once the D is final, those orders go away. My lawyer said the court won't grant anything that states kids can't be around
OW anymore after the D, because then she is not the OW any longer. Who WH sees after the D is not the courts business.

I am having a VERY hard time dealing with all of this. I'm in IC, still being told to use all this energy I am using on WH, and put it towards me. I can't. I am having a hard time letting go of the life we could have had.

How do I go on? I'm on AD's, but cry all the time. I'm tired of putting on a brave face for my kids, when all I want to do is curl up and die.

Why can't my WH be like so many WS's here and come to his senses?!

((((Catgirl)))))

I dont' have any great words of wisdom or magic that will take your pain away.

Maybe he will come to his senses someday, maybe he will want to come back, someday, maybe by then it won't matter to you anymore.

I can't say this from personal experience, but it does get easier and hurt less with time.

I am sooo sorry you are hurting.

Who

{{{{{{ Catgirl }}}}}}}

I am so sorry sweetie. I can totlally relate. Even after the affair I never believed that ex WW would choose the affair over me and her children (I now have full custody of our 27 mo. old son). But, she did.

There are no explanations other than what I tend to see are very selfish people with no guts for working at something and people who are destined to float through life, from one R to another when their needs aren't met or they get bored or responsibilites take a toll, etc... Sad, sad...

You should try to have written in the decree that "no overnight guests by either party not related by marriage or blood while minor children are present." This may make it a little harder on the two waywards to carry on and legitmize everything in full view of your children.

Heck, he probably thinks everything will be okay when the D happens. They don't get that it will never be okay, ever, as long as the OW/OM is involved in any way, shape or form and as long as they can't muster the REAL remorse and repentence they should have if they had a conscienenece of any kind.

God bless.

Cat:
So sorry you are in this place. The impending date is really triggering you, and if it were not, then you would not be human. This pain is horrible and not unexpected. Your life is seemingly falling apart around you. You are normal to feel this way. You are sad, so sad, and probably angry and frustrated and hurt…and on and on. I wish there were something I could say or do; all I can do is listen, and urge you to keep coming here.

I see myself following right in your footsteps. WH has been out of the house for just under a year—not living with RT, but they are still keeping it exciting because WH lives with his folks, who disapprove, but turn a blind eye. I also have orders that she stay away from the kids during the pendancy of the D.

Go ahead and vent. I wish I knew what to say. Cry when you need to, if you can. It helps for me to be around people who don’t care if I cry, and who are willing to let me cry. I always feel a little (just a little) better after a good cry. Also, don’t forget to ask for help with the kids. Get someone to watch them, or have a friend or family member come to stay for a couple of days. I have found that I don’t realize how totally lonely I feel until I spend (non-work) time with another adult. It can be scary to be alone when you are this low…and you might not even realize it.

Maybe some anti-anxiety meds to get you through until the day? I have a bottle of Xanax, and when I am really, really on edge I take one. That was fairly often shortly after WH left, and very rarely now, but I bet I will take one on my court date, Aug. 2.

I wish I knew the answer to your question about whether or not he will ever wake up. It would be nice, wouldn’t it, to have some statistics so we really knew the odds…but I suppose every case is so unique. I did read somewhere that 18% of couples who D eventually reconcile….?

Catgirl,

I don't see you posting all that much. Maybe try to post a little as often as you can, so that you can get help working through your issues.

I'm so sorry for the pain you are suffering. I often wonder if court dates just drive the message of D home, and cause you to have a new Ddayesque time? It's a huge blow to the phyche.

I agree with Sis, if you can get some help with the kids, use it. Force yourself to do something to self soothe, even if it's just the quiet when the kids are gone. Maybe a bath, a funny movie. I used to search out comedians on TV when I was feeling really down.

Also, if you are still having long crying jags, you may want to express this to your doc; maybe you need a differnt med or anti-anxiety meds. Lexapro is an antidepressant that also helps with anxiety.

The passing of time from this moment will also help. I don't know if your WH will ever wake up, nobody does. What we do know is that you will be fine, no matter what happens. Even in recovery, the damage is done, and you carry it with you. Over time, the memories fade enough that you don't really think about it anymore, as with any pain or loss.

(((((catgirl)))))

Hope...

I have written in there now that OW can't be around kids, but once D is final, that won't stick. She is on the lease, lives with WH, my lawyer said judge won't get involved with living arrangements. Once D is final, WH is free to live with whoever. Sad the kids have to suffer and the courts won't get involved.

Lil, Silent,

I'm on Lexapro, Xanax, Ativan and a few others. (not all at once!). Don't seem to be doing much.

I do believe that WH thinks D is best. He told me awile ago that he's been happy with how things have been this past year...no wife,kids, responsibilities, so why the heck would he ever want to come back?!

I try and do things for me, but WH is always on my mind. I see families at the mall or out eating and I pine for how we used to be, doing those same things. I just literally want to scream...

I WANT THINGS HOW THEY USED TO BE!!!

I'll take the bad times too, I just want us to be a whole family again!!!!

Sorry for sounding like a spoiled kid, I'm just so sad and angry right now.

catgirl...

I am right there with you right now...I know your pain and I am sorry you are in this place. Nothing seems to be helping me right now either...I've cried so hard lately that I have given myself a migraine!

All I can hold on to is the lame "this to shall pass" Can it just pass a little faster!

Cat,

You don't mean that! You really don't want things how they used to be, do you? Your M could wind up in the same place over and over again, if you went back, expect this time, it could be you.

Please don't torture yourself. This man has done the unthinkable to your family. It is horrifically painful. I don't know if there is any pain that can match such. You have made it this far, and will be at peace someday. You must learn to let go. It will take some doing. Look at the reality of this sitch and understand that your M was in a bad way.

Your WH has placed his head up his [censored], Cat! He has NO idea what he is doing. I'm almost positive that he will truly and utterly regret this someday. It may happen post D, but it will happen. That is definitely no consolation, but it is the truth.

If you decide to remain in this terrible abyss, and not pull yourself away from the wayward, you will suffer more and more, so I ask again, do you REALLY want things as they were?

Catgirl, I'm so sorry for your pain, and as IHC put it, it may be lame but it is true, this too shall pass, not quickly, but at YOUR pace.

Lil,

That is exactly how I feel, as if my life is over and falling apart.

I thought I was doing pretty good, but I think you are right with the impending court date being a trigger. I'm having the same feelings I did when D day came...panic attacks, not eating, sleeping, crying all the time. I feel as if I'm on death row and 29 days from now it will all be over. O.K, maybe that's extreme, but that's how I feel. I loved being married and having a husband, then why did I screw up and he leave me for some wh$re 17 years younger?

Everyone has told me so many times it is not my fault, I just can't stop blaming myself. I was too controlling, had I not been he probably wouldn't have gone to her. I treated him as if I was his mother and he was my kid, guess she treats him like a man.

People say A's end. He needs her $$ to keep his apt. afloat,so I see this going on forever. I wouldn't doubt it if they got married.

Silent,

We must have posted at the same time. Yes, I want my H back. I don't want to deal with this anymore. I'm tired of spending tons of $$$ on a lawyer and court fees. For what? Will being D'd change the way I feel? No.

I know I can't make my WH come back or love me. I just wish he could see how I have changed. I swear to you I am not that same person I was a year ago. This whole nightmare has taught me a ton of stuff. Yeah I know, I can use all this in my next relationship. Thing is, I want a R with him, not with anyone else. I don't want to start again. I thought we would be together forever! Things would be different, on my part, I know. He just doesn't believe that, and won't let me show him.

I don't want my old M, no, I want it to be better, but it takes 2 and he's made it clear he does not want me.

I don't know what else needs to be said or done to me to make me see that. I keep hoping and praying every day he will realize what he has done and come back. Thing is, I don't think his pride will ever let him.

I hate to compare myself to anyone, but I feel like Eav now. Holding on when it's obviously gone.

Cat,

I in no way meant to insinuate that you should give up. No way, not what I MEAN. I mean that you need to give up the illusion that you, somehow, can control or help to guide your WH in this decision. Letting go does not mean giving up. It's the letting go of the illusion. It will take some time for this to happen.

Can I ask how often you have contact with your WH? If you are having ANY, then Plan B will not work. It takes a pretty strong Plan B to bring him to his knees. Yes, OW may be helping him to rent his [censored] a$$ apartment, but she is not his wife, his family. He misses that, I'm almost positive.

If you cut him off, and go really nice and dark, you may affect some thinking in him. As long as you may be seen and heard by him, you are, in essence, allowing him to remain on that fence. Even with an impending D, he's up there, waiting for someone to push him to one side.

Now, all that being said, I know how deeply you are hurting right now, even though I am not moving toward a D, I understand. Yes, you can compare this to a death; I always did, for you mourn just the same, except there isn't nearly as much closure, because the thing/person you mourn is still living and breathing and inflicting pain on you and your family.

Cat, is this the OW that your WH said was just a roommate? I may be mixing you up with someone else. If she is, have you exposed to her family and significant others.

You will find your own closure, again, no matter what. You are torturing yourself as one would on Dday; controlling or NOT you were never given a chance to change, to become a better version of yourself, a better wife and mother. You were stripped of that chance, and that may be unforgiveable in a M.

I, again, am so sorry for your pain. We all feel/felt as if we were holding on in vain. You are not alone, no cat, not alone. Nothing is lost until you call it. You hold on for as long as you hold on, no one else can decide that. It becomes unhealthy, yes, at a certain point. The trick is to continue to work on you ALONE, to find happiness ALONE. You will need this even if you do recover. Codependency is no good. You must find ways for YOU to be happy, irrespective of WHO you are with.

A's do end, cat, they do. Look at others who are divorced here; I know for a fact that Believer's WH's A ended after they divorced, but she was happy and had moved on. THere are others, but she sticks out in my mind for some reason. Faithfulwife CJ also divorced and was happy, AND happily remarried a man with his own family. She definitely sticks out as the Mama Bee.

Yes, you want your H back, and yes, that may not happen, and yes, that is truly horrible, but NO, life does not end, for you are a mother, daughter, and friend to many more significant people. This is not the end; you never know what can happen, ever, so don't count your chickens just yet.

Catgirl,

HI! It's me--FaithfulWifeCJ (aka Mama Bee because I take care of the folks in Plan B). I can DEFINITELY relate to how you're feeling because I felt that same pain. And I am living proof here before you today that it does get better.

My exH left Feb. 3, 1999 (burned into my memory) to move to another state to live with his OW. She was just a little younger than we were, but she had 4 kids under the age of 8yo all by different men (you would have thought that might be a clue to her morality...but NO!). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Anyway, I didn't even see it coming and was absolutely devastated. If you want, click on my name by this post, and in my profile I have my whole story!! It would probably be pretty encouraging for you to read!

Anyway, after trying to save my M for FOUR YEARS <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> (yep--you read that right), I learned a LOT and our D was final May 23, 2003. To me, it felt like I was dropped in the middle of the ocean without a life-jacket and no idea which direction was land. *sigh* Plus, I was in my FORTIES!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Who would want a pleasingly plump, short, christian, 40yo+ mother of two?? *sigh* In my whole life, I had never prepared myself for even the POSSIBILITY that I might some day be divorced, so I just had no idea how to cope or how to function.

Well, I was where I was. I was DIVORCED...so I decided to try to figure out how to do it. How does one cope with being divorced? How does one function? I found DivorceCare and I personally did self-study (http://www.divorcecare.com/). Then I found a Fisher Rebuilding Divorce Recovery Group and made some divorced friends (http://www.rebuilding.org/). AMAZINGLY they were all mid-30's to 50's (MY AGE) and they were all neat people! Hey...maybe I could do this! I also went to a self-esteem ladies' support group, and that helped a TON because it was there that I came to realize that I may have made mistakes in my marriage, and I may have been imperfect, but I was a unique, valuable, LOVABLE person just the same.

Eventually, the impossible happened. I found a man who was LOOKING FOR a pleasingly plump, short, christian, 40yo+ mother!! He was LOOKING FOR someone who was an introvert, intuitive, perceiver...and that's me! He is older than I am and has 5 kids, and just like me he was thinking, "Who'd want a 50yo with 5 kids?" Well...ME!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I love kids! I had always wished that I had had more! My exH and his exW were both "walk away parents" so together we are raising our 7 kids.

catgirl, I understand that you may not be thinking of or even wanting to think about getting married some day. You want YOUR H, now! Not someone else! But I'm telling you this to encourage you that just because the D is final that doesn't mean your life is over. You are still young, beautiful, vibrant, funny, smart, and caring. You can be all those things by yourself for a while if that's what you choose. Or you can share it with someone some day if that's what you choose.

Just know that you are NOT alone. We are all here for you--any day you want to vent--and you may not know this but there are 100's (maybe 1000's) who lurk here and never sign in...but who see you and see your pain and think of you and pray for you! So you are MOST DEFINITELY not alone!!!

(((((((((((((((((((catgirl)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Your faithful friend,



CJ

Silent,

Yes WH is the one that still claims he and OW are only roomates, although at his deposition, he did state that they are having ongoing sexual relations. I exposed to everyone. She and her H were D'd last year after I told her H about the A. Her family supports her. "As long as she's happy..."Even though she's 17 yrs. younger than WH.

I'm not sure if I agree with you on that he misses his wife and family. I truly think he likes no wife and kids and likes living the single life. I also think it's a mid life crisis. Buying stuff, pi$$ing money away as if he was 20 again.

I had a medical issue recently that landed me in the hospital. WH did not know about it until after the fact because of Plan B. My kids told him about it when he came to pick them up. My kids then told me that he never asked how I was or if I need help managing them or the house, or asked about me in later visits with them. That tells me that he is done and has moved on. How could he not even care how I was?!

I only see him when we need to go to court which lately has been frequent to try and come to some agreement. DS did bring him into the house a few weeks ago so WH could see DS's new pet fish. I did not know DS was going to do this. I walk out of the living room and WH is standing there. He was cordial, said he was there to see the fish. I went in my room until he left. I have told the kids and told WH that I do not want him in the house, but then they do something like that. I know DS really didn't mean any harm to me, he just wanted to show his Dad his new pet.

Sometimes I wish WH was dead. Then I would know it was truly over, there was no hope. I wouldn't have to worry about possibly running into him and OW or possibly him marrying her and having kids with her. Sometimes I really wish it would happen. I think it would make my life much easier to handle. As you said, I would have closure and not go through months after the D still hoping and wishing.

I wish I had a crystal ball to see if the A will end. (I'm sure everyone wishes that) Then I'd feel better. But then again, even if the A does end, doesn't mean he'd want to come back to me!

I know they say it gets easier, but I just feel like I'm back at square one again.

Faithful...

Your story is so inspiring, thank you. I do want a man in my life again. I want my H! But I guess if that's not to be, I will look again. I just don't want to start all over again. I thought I would be with WH forever!

One step at a time I guess...

I do appreciate everyone taking the time to post and listen, it really means alot.

oh, cat! ((((hugs))))

Ditto to your words...skeptical about him missing his home and family, unbelieving that he cares SO little, wishing he were dead so it would be easier, wanting a crytal ball, feeling like I'm holding on to what's obviously gone....

and I'm sure I will feel back to square one as the D approaches ever closer.

This is a huge, huge hurdle, this court date. You will make it. I think you should continue to post and let us support you as it approaches. You don't need to feel alone...because you are not. What you feel, many of us have and do feel.

(((cat)))