Hi,

Here's my story.

I will be married for nine years in August. We have a son (5) together, and she has two children (19 and 17). I have been a hard working self employed successful husband. WW has also worked hard and is successful. A few years ago she was offered a job with a substantial increase in pay in a competing office and she accepted.

Things were great.

We didn't really do anything but get up, get kids out the door, go to work, come home cook, baths, and bed. We would catch some alone time in the late evenings or early moring. We would all do some amusement park every summer and visit her parents in the mountains for a week. Pretty plain, but seemed to meet the needs.

With-in the last year WW would tell me about the drama at her work. This woman and that guy are having an affair. This guy is having an affair with the girl next door. Didn't raise any flags with me..dah.

With-in the last few months, WW is making friends with a single girl in the office. WW is staying after work to
have a cold one. No big deal, she works hard. Needs to get some friends. WW has no girl friends since I known her. Think this is a good thing. Well the cold beer after work turns into a regular Thursday night thing with the girls in the office. Thrusday night starts to get really late and drunk.

Intimatcy starts to dwindel. WW starts to get moody. Starts to exercise and get new clothes. Turns into a hottie. Lucky me. I thought.

One Thursday night I find the evidence of an A. I was not looking for it. First I'm pissed, then I'm in shock, then I'm affriad of losing my M. What about my son? I search the internet for advise. Next day I talk to my attorney and he says to confront her with the evidence. She confesses to having the A. She won't tell me who it is. Says its no one from work and no one knows about it. Say's he's married and has kids, but there older. I ask her to stop seeing him and she agrees. Says she is still going to go out on Thursday's with the girls. I'm not sure what to do, so I give in. I negociate inspections and SF when she comes home after Thursday night out (TNO). On the next TNO se askes if we're going do anything and I say no. The ideal makes me sick to my stomach. Checking wife as if she had ticks or something. Sick.

We talk about our M and the A and I ask why and she doesn't know why. Says shes not in love with me and is unhappy. I start researching and find Women infidelity.com and read an article why woman cheat. Makes sense, kinda. Somebody on
the forum refers to MB to save your M. I find MB and order "His needs/her needs". We read some of the chapters
togetherand take the needs survey, but she is not really working on this with me. Starting to piss me off. I start telling her I love her over and over. I keep going into heavy recovery conversations. All this is not working very well.

Things are getting really cold. I'm over compensating for not helping around the house, and this is really pissing her off. I start snooping and checking cell phone records. Discover WW and boss talk alot on WW cell phone on TNO. I call her boss's cell phone and act like I got the wrong number, but let him know it's me. I can't take it anymore so I call her to the house early on Friday and tell her I think she is still having the A and ask her to pack a bags and leave because I don't deserve this crap and she does. She packs and goes to her girlfriend's apt. I tell her I
think it's her boss on the way out. She denies it.

Man this is really tough. How can I run this house and take care of everything. Back to the web. I find a ebook called "Stop your divorce". I'm up all night reading. The Stop your divorce is kind of a Plan A. The next morning she calls to talk to our son. BS. I ask her back and she comes home on Sunday. I keep trying to work things out. I love her. I love our family.

We usally go to her parents for a week in the summer, but I can't get away because of work. I suggest she just take our son and fly out and visit. She agrees. She is going to visit and leave me home for a few days.


Things are alitte better everyday. No cell phone calls with the boss. Their on to me I think. Blew that. Did notice that her office calls her everyday at the start of her lunch hour. hmmmmm. She use to call me and we'ed eat together.

Noticed WW car covered in gravel road dust. Not thinking, I ask her if she's been on some gravel roads. She weridly denies it. BS I know what it looks like on a car after driving on gravel. I gps her boss's address and it on gravel road. Time to get real. Ordered gps logger.

Figure I'll get things in place while she's gone.


I get a baby sitter and ask WW out on a date the night before her trip. Have a nice dinner and alitte SF. Nothing great. I tell her that I want her to know I prefer to stay married and try to work things out. If we can't find a way
back then I will work with her to end the M and not fight. She's crying. I keep it short and sweet.

Well she's on her trip. I got home from the airport at about 9:30am and started reading MB site. Realize I need
to keep plan A going on her. Need to get evidence to prove its her boss or who ever it is and expose. I have cell records with them calling cell to cell. She says the just friends. Maybe. gps logger should be here before she gets
back. Found a good place to put the logger. Dug out a digital recorder and installed in the car. Getting the
camera ready.

Have been working out for a month now. Niehgbor asked me to play softball on Mondays and Wednesdays nights. I have played one game on Wednesday then we all went to the bar to celabrate. Ran into old flame and got a big ego
boost. She wants me to call her for a drink. I want to, but found a good arguement for not calling on this site.



I'm all over the place and would like any advise.


Thanks.

--------------------
bs (me) 45
ww 42
dday 5/3/07

You are on the right track.

Your WW's A never ended, it just went further underground. Exposure is likely the only thing that will end it. I agree with you that it is probably her boss. Exposure is particularly effective in ending these kind of affairs, but you need to get the goods. It helps if you get a PI and catch them. When confronted with a manager/subordinate affair, a company is usually forced into action. Also, if his wife is alerted, he won't have the freedom to run around with your wife. Once you get the goods, expose to EVERYONE, and I guarantee that although your WW will be FURIOUS, the affair WILL come to an end.

BTW, stay away from the old flame.

Steve,

You should get more feedback here.

Also, I just bought His Needs Her Needs at Borders last night and am currently reading it now. I wish that I had seen this book when I started Plan A. I highly recommend both this book and SAA.

Hang in there. If you follow the advice you get from the books and from this forum, you will feel better about all of this and will have the best chance of saving your M.

Although I am implementing Plan B, I'm starting to see a glimmer of hope. I'm hoping Plan B will shock him into making a decision.

Welcome to MB. I'm certain that your wife is having an affair with your boss. Get more proof, (GPS is good), and expose the affair to his wife. That ought to cool it. You can also expose to her family, and to the workplace.

Then continue in Plan A, showing her what a great husband you can be.

Thanks for the advice. I have a few questions.

1. What should I do if she coms back from her family and wants a D or move out. I'll lose access to the car and the chance to get any evidence.

2. She gets back on Thursday. She has indicated she is going to attend her TNO with the girls. I suspect she will eventually rondevu with the OM. I was thinking about getting a baby sitter for my son and renting a car and following her for the night. I think there will be a high probability of a meeting. Also, she might meet him on her lunch hour on Friday. Thought I'd keep the car till around 2:00pm and try to get some evidence (pictures). They would never reconize me. I have the camera ready with a zoom zoom lens.

3. Do I continue to be a great H or introduce a NC agreement express some boundaries etc.?

You know I have grown some big b#$#s since reading this site. Before Sunday I waas so lost on what to do. Now I feel like I have a chance of gain my self respect back and even some peace of mind. I have a plan!!!!!

steve_bs,

First, let me just say that I can certainly understand why your feelings are all over the place. May I make a few practical suggestions to you? I would suggest that you buy some good soups at the store, because you need to eat to keep your strength up to care for the house and kids, and while you're in the midst of this--crying sometimes--it's easy to forget to eat...or you can't eat because you can't swallow. Even with a lump in your throat, you can usually choke down soup though, plus it's something warm and comforting in the tummy AND it gives you the nutrition you need to keep functioning for your kids and household.

Next, I would suggest that you take a moment and calm down (pray or meditate or just sit still for five minutes and breathe). This will put you in a clearer frame of mind so that you are able to think a little more objectively and wisely rather than RE-acting emotionally. Just be calm for a bit.

Now that you're calm, do you see the link in my signature about the Carrot and Stick of Plan A?? READ THAT!! And then begin to form a plan about how you are going to act, what you're going to do and when, and what your final goal is. For example, part one of your plan might be gathering evidence about the affair (A)--evidence that could be used in a court of law if necessary. That would be GPS locations, cell phone logs, emails, keylogger print-outs, etc.

Part two--make a COPY of the evidence, present it to your WW (wayward wife) as proof that her A is ongoing, and make another copy in a sealed envelope for other man's wife (OMW). Part three--expose the A. Exposure does not mean "vengence"--exposure means revealing the A to those who have the power or influence over WW to put pressure on her to end the A and break them up for good. Usually, the A is exposed to WW's family (assuming they will tell her to STOP IT!!), your family (so they can support you through the stress of all this), pastor and maybe friends at church (if any), close friends you two have who are pro-marriage and will tell her to STOP IT, and WW's and OM's employers. The reason employers are told is that often wayward spouses (WSs) use company resources to facilitate the A and keep it secret from home. The employer also usually has some sort of sexual harassment policies, etc.

Part three would be engaging in what we call Plan A behavior. This is done for a limited time (people don't go into Plan A forever, because Plan A does not mean Plan Doormat). However, Plan A means being the man you were intended to be, steve_bs. It means that you admit that you spent too many hours at work--or you were too critical and allowed yourself to have angry outbursts (AO) or other lovebusters (LBs) that did damage to your W and your marriage (M). Correct those issues within you. Be the man you were when you were dating your W. Be fun, funny, interesting, and strong. Be the man you are!!!

After a defined amount of time (4-6 months maybe), if the A is still going strong you might move to Plan B...but since that's still a ways away, we will deal with that when we come to it, okay??

For now, buy soup, calm down, and let's get a plan. You can do it!! You're not alone!!

Your faithful friend,



CJ

It is very doubtful that she will move out as long as you are letting her go out on Thursdays. They usually only move when the affair is threatened.

Personally I think it is dangerous for a man to try to catch his wife cheating. It would be better to install the GPS and get multiple meetings.

It is much better for you sanity if you have a PI do the snooping for you himself (if you can afford it).

Thank You CJ. I will get some soup and eat. I will calm down and ACT. All day I have been repeating to myself. "just do my best, just do my best. best dad, best H, best to me."

I made a few mistakes in the beginning of this whole thing. I'm trying to get ahead of it and be prepared for the next opportunity, step, or bomb.

I'll work on the Plan A as you suggested. I'll let the electronic do their thing. I'll talk to a PI and see what is there.

Question: How do I communicate to her the pain she has inflicted onto me and the family while at the same time trying to Make "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

I would also like to thank Knitgirl for her suggestions and comments. You all are so nice.

Don't try and communicate to her the pain she has inflicted. Rather, let her know that you have boundaries that you aren't willing to let her walk all over, but that you are committed to saving this marriage. Don't talk to her about this, show her through your actions that you are serious about both. Concentrate on identifying her top ENs meeting them, and avoiding LBs. Use exposure to kill the affair, and once the withdrawal is over, you can use what you've learned to build a better marriage, and she will be more willing to work on things as well.

Right now you want to project firmness, calmness, compassion, and strength. Don't act needy, sad, or angry.

It's not like I'm an expert or anything, but the answer to your question is "You can't". You can't make her understand the pain she's inflicted. No one can. She's oblivious to that right now. For now don't even bother trying.

Pick a plan and follow it.