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#1895741 06/18/07 05:18 PM
Joined: Sep 2000
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For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

Joined: Apr 2007
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This is something I really needed to see today. Now its bookmarked!


WW(me)-44
WH-49
Together 10 yrs
M 4 yrs
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 398
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When is the 180 implemented -- at the end of plan A?


BS(Me) - 47
Ex-W - 44
D final - Dec 08
Kids - 14s,13d,8d
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 1,082
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It can be part of Plan A. I am divorced but I'm currently trying to do a Plan A with a 180. I'm doing my best Plan A when my XH is around (we operate a business together, he comes in part-time), but as far as life goes - mine goes on and I don't quiz him about his (hence the 180). I don't push, I don't pry...

I was going to put my cards on the table with him tonight (tell him just how I feel - that I want to try to repair the marriage - IF he wants to also) - but I didn't get the chance to see him tonight.

Still - even if he refuses, I will carry on doing my best Plan A with a 180. If nothing else, it makes for a much more amicable relationship with him - and he can see for himself the changes I've made to myself - and I'm not intruding in his life.

I'm sure somebody else can explain it better - but that was what was suggested to me, and that's what I'm doing now.

JinGA


F/40, DD15 DS13 M 1989 DDay his EA May 1998. S Aug 2004. D Dec 05. I filed. 4/07 Post-D Plan A with 180, with hopes of R. 6/23/07 XH said no to R. 8/24/07 Went on a date with someone new, "B". 1/22/08 Still seeing B, life is good! Learning and growing each day. Ask me about Geocaching!
Joined: Jul 2006
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VERY true, all of it. I did most of these... simply because I had to. FWH was deployed VERY soon after exposure and subsequently faced consequences. While deployment wasn't what I would have felt as ideal, it forced me to NOT hover and obsess as I would have.

Another thing: by keeping yourself attractive, you FEEL attractive. Once I did that, other men found ME attractive. Nice, because that helped my FWH to see that if HE didn't want me, there was definitely someone who would.

Men like for their wives to be attractive to other men. Gives them that feeling of "I have something special".


Me: 34 FWS: 33
M: 9+ years
kids: 3
A#1:(PA) 8/05- 12/05?
A#2: (P/EA) 2/08/06 - 8.14.06
d-day A#1 7/4/06 A#2 7/9/06
Exposed A to OW's H: 08/11/06
NC: 8.15.06 and in Recovery!
Honeymooning since March 2007.
In love again and it feels GREAT.
Joined: Jun 2007
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What if he tells me he loves me? How do I respond?

I'm also wondering if this works for everybody. One of WH's ENs is affection, and he has commented that OW is very touchy-feely and how much he likes that and wishes I was more like that.

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I just started another thread on the 180 and how I need to tweak it some, in conjunction with my Plan A. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Glad others are using this wonderful strategy also!

JinGA


F/40, DD15 DS13 M 1989 DDay his EA May 1998. S Aug 2004. D Dec 05. I filed. 4/07 Post-D Plan A with 180, with hopes of R. 6/23/07 XH said no to R. 8/24/07 Went on a date with someone new, "B". 1/22/08 Still seeing B, life is good! Learning and growing each day. Ask me about Geocaching!

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