About the mortgage, I suppose you've looked into renting the house, right? If you can't pay, will the mortgage company come after you or WH or both? Does WH have any student loans? If the house goes into foreclosure, how will that affect his abilities to get student loans? Does that give him incentive to prevent foreclosure?

Looking back, I see you are trying to rent by August, and you asked some of these same questions. I would think that having a foreclosure on your record would absolutely prevent him from getting a student loan, or at least would make him have a higher interest rate.

See a lawyer about protecting yourself financially. It could cost you more money if you don't talk to a lawyer.

Then, you definitely have a valid reason to communicate with WH, saying "here's what's happening financially, here's what may happen, here's all I am able/willing to do about it. Just wanted to let you know." Again, email would be best, and keep a copy for yourself, printed, and dated.

Document things - indications and evidence of the A, any admissions on his part, and evidence of "abandonment" like not helping pay the mortgage. Also evidence of any financial support you've given him.

Some other questions - if all this wasn't going on, when would he have come to visit you next? Does he go to school in the summers? Is the OW someone in his program? Are they in the same year, or will she graduate soon? Is she financially self-sufficient, or is he supporting her (on your money!?!)? What is she like? What draws him to her (other than geography)? What drew him to you?

Is there anyone in that area that is a friend to you?

The house is on the market to rent right now, but there have been no nibbles. I have enough saved up to pay 1-2 months mortgage. I don't know right now if the house forecloses if he will still be able to get future student loans, but I am going to call on Monday to find out. If it would affect his chances of future loans, I think he would do something. If the house was to go into foreclosure, I would be the only one they could go after since he is not in the country.

He would have been coming home the last couple of weeks in Aug. One of the last times that we talked though he said he didn't know if he was coming home. I don't think OW is in school with him. She works in a dental office. The funny thing about her is that by looking at her Hi5 page, she and I have a lot of common interests. Was he trying to find someone similar to me?

I am friends with one of his friend's wife (the same friend that introduced WH and OW, some friend). She is going through the same situation, but worse. They have one kid and one on the way. It sucks because they have been together 12 years. She doesn't know much about what is going on with my WH because her WH doesn't talk about it. I thought about calling his sister (he lives with his father, step mother, little brother and sister), but I don't want her to feel like I am using her to get information.

I thought about what you guys said about emailing him, but I just don't know what I should write. He knows about the house situation, so there is really nothing to say there that he doesn't already know. Do I tell him something along the lines that I know that this must be difficult for him but I will not pressure him and let him make his own choice.? Can I tell him that I want to make this marriage work without sounding needy? Does anyone have any ideas? Should I also tell him to feel free to write back or call me or would that be considered needy?

Thanks for the help.

I'll start the ball rolling, but hopefully someone else will chime in too.

One approach would be to keep it relatively light:
Tell him that you are now in the new base, tell him you are concerned about the mortgage and whether the house will rent, but you are enjoying your new place, describing what you are doing with it. Tell him that the change of scenery is good, you are making new friends, anything else you might want to describe.

Then, and I really hope some others chime in too, you could say you missed your date Friday night but you were able to use the time for preparing to move or something... You could say you love him and value your marriage. You don't agree with the choices he's making, but you understand those are his choices and you won't ask about OW any more or try to make him feel guilty. You would love to talk to him if he chooses to call, but you will wait for him to call.

Insert anything else you think might meet his ENs without LBing. What you mention about wanting the M to work, and you know this is difficult for him but you know he must make his own choices, is good.

So, that is how I think you could attempt Plan A if he isn't calling you, but like star*fish said you may have to move to Plan B pretty soon. That second paragraph, or parts of it, may not be appropriate if you are on the verge of Plan B.

Here is what I have so far for a letter to WH:

Dear WH,
How is everything with you? I am now at new base. I started work this past Tuesday. I am pretty much done with the hospital in processing. While I was wondering around the hospital I saw TSgt Brose (I can’t remember, but I think her first name was Kelly?). She recognized me from working with you in the pharmacy at other base and asked me to tell you hi.
The lab here seems nice. They are not very busy right now, but they are expecting the numbers to pick up soon. I think I will be in core lab (chemistry/hematology/coagulation). There will be a lot for me to learn in that section because they use all different instrumentation here than at last base. But, I get to go TDY to New Orleans to train on one of the machines this month. I get every other Friday off because we work 7-5. That is nice. But one thing I was not expecting is that we wear blues every Monday. Yikes! I called the other girls at last base to warn them.
So far everyone I have met here is nice. But now I need to learn how to play poker because they have a poker night at someone’s house a couple times a month. Well, the house is still stuffed with boxes. I am slowly clearing some of them out. Austin (our dog) and the cats are kind of getting on each other’s nerves. There are not as many places to hide. Also, I think something here must be bothering Austin’s allergies or something. He makes weird hacking noises sometimes and acts a little mopey. And now he doesn’t like to go outside as much because there was a big storm with thunder and lightning. Wuss dog. Yeah and the grass grows like crazy here. I want to take some back to our house and make it grow there. It has to be cut like once a week.
As far as the house goes, still no renter. No one has even gone to see it. The July mortgage will be paid and I can probably pay the August mortgage payment, but after that I don’t know. I have already let my new first shirt know that I may not be able to pay after that, in case it comes to that he is aware. I also have to get some work done on the car soon. Dad has priced it out for me and he says it will probably run me around $1000. That sucks.
I had a good time the Friday before I left last base. My coworkers and a few other people went out to BW3 for wings as a little Blood Bank going away. I’ll miss those guys. They were a good group to work with. I also missed our phone movie “date” we were supposed to have that night. I am sure that you had your reasons for not calling. Instead I was able to get the house more or less boxed up the rest of the way.
I want you to know, WH, that I love you deeply despite everything that has happened. This is now our past and I cannot change that. The only thing I can do is look forward to the future and learn to grow from what has happened. I want us to grow together and learn from the choices we have made. Even in these circumstances, our marriage means the world to me. I know that this may be hard for you to believe right now, but it is the truth.
I don’t agree with some of the choices you have made, but I understand that they are your choices. I will no longer ask about the other woman. I am not trying to make you feel guilty. I only want to work on our marriage and to do what we feel is necessary for it to survive. I know that this must be difficult for you as well, but I want you to see that we can be stronger together because and in spite of this.
I would love to hear from you, if you choose to call me, but I will wait for you to call me.
I hope your classes are going well. I am sure they are. You are a great student and I am very proud of how well you have done in school so far. I would never want you to not finish your education. I don’t know if you think I would try to trick you and make you stay here, but that is not what I want at all. Not in a million years. I just want us to be together, either here or there, it doesn’t matter to me.

Your wife,
Trisha051

Hey, that sounds great IMHO. You mentioned doing things with friends, and came across as someone who is out there, doing things and making friends, not needy and whiney at all. Well done. I can't think of any changes, but maybe someone else will.

In the meantime, an OT thought: Austin's hacking sounds, he doesn't have a bone or something caught in his throat, does he?

No, he has always kind of had allergies, I just think something here is making him cough. I am going to make him an appointment with a vet soon. Crazy, huh? Dogs with allergies. What a spoiled mutt. Thanks for your help.

Well I emailed WH this past Sunday and he has yet to call me. It has now been 16 days since we talked. I know he is busy right now with midterm exams, but that is no excuse.

Friday I got kind of anxious about everything that is going on as far as facing forclosure on my house and I let my new supervisor know everything that was going on. He recommended some different agencies on base to visit and see if there are any programs to help me. So far all I have learned is that I do not want to foreclose. I am going to go to base legal on Monday and I have an appointment with a financial advisor. On Friday I also emailed WH and told him we need to discuss the house and for him to call me. If he hasn't called me by Sunday night, I will call him. And if he won't talk to me, I will ask his Father to figure something out (we loaned him $15,000) because I need help now.

My WH just irks me to no end. Me being the loving wife, happily supports him in medical school and he repays me like this. How does he live with himself? I don't see how he goes through his day and not realize that every damn thing he owns, I bought! The money I sent him, I am sure he took her out on dates with! Arrrrrrggggghhhh!

Oh well, Se la Vie.

Oh yeah, get this...even if we foreclose, go bankrupt, whatever...they will continue to give him student loans. How fair is that? I just kept telling the woman on the phone "Are you serious"? They MAY increase the interest rate or decrease the amount he can get, but he will still get it. I will be here with bad credit and he will still get money. He won't have to deal with the consequences for three years.

Thanks for letting me complain. I feel better for a minute.

{{{looking}}}

Yes, the way WH is acting is thoughtless and self-centered. I'm sure he's in an A "fog." But if he won't even talk to you on the phone, there isn't much you can do Plan-A-wise.

You basically must just protect yourself as well as you can. Have you talked to a lawyer? Could you perhaps sue for "abandonment?" Or will his family step up to the plate and contribute?

You said if he didn't call, you would call Sunday night. Did you? How did that go? You must have some kind of contact for Plan A. If not, then it's time to go to Plan B IMO.

You need to prepare yourself for the worst. Work on becoming the kind of person you would like to be, for yourself, not for him. You will come through this stronger and better.