Okay I am a newbie so I apologize ahead of time if I don't use the right lingo. I will try to keep this brief because after reading other posts they all seem to be so similar. I confronted WS yesterday after many months of an affair on his part. I knew for some time this was probably going on but waited until I double/triple checked my facts before I went to him. I had multiple texts and emails and many questionable coversations on his part.

This is the problem. He completely denies the whole thing and says I am crazy for thinking this. He will not speak to me and wants to basically end our relationship immediately with no discussion. We have been together for many years so I find all of this very overwhelming.

Any advice out there?

Don't ASK, but TELL. He knows its true, and you know its true, so you don't need his admission to know what you both know is true.

Instead, just tell him that you know all about his affair and start exposing it.

He is threatening to end your relationship to scare you into shutting up. He will try to manipulate you into silence.

How long married? Any kids?

Oh yeah! You have the proof and rather than humble his pride, he's going to "act" all "mightier than thou" and wants to end the R without discussion! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Personally, I don't believe that he CAN just end the R without discussion. He may try to move out or whatnot, but then he'll just have to "discuss" it in front of a judge--who will be mighty interested in the proof you have! (Even in "no fault" states, they do consider affairs for custody, child support (CS) and alimony--so HOLD ON TO THAT PROOF).

If I were in your shoes, I would expose his affair immediately. Exposure does not mean "VENGEANCE"!! Exposure means revealing the truth about his behavior to family and friends who will support the R and tell him to end his affair (A). Usually/often, people expose to wayward spouse's (WS's) family (mom, dad, siblings--so they can tell him to STOP IT!), to betrayed spouse's (BS's) family (so they can support you in fighting for your R), to their pastor or priest or church deacons, to the WS's and other person's (OP's) employers, and to the OP's spouse if they have one. Those people are able to effectively put pressure on the A to end it!

Beware though! If you do expose his A, your WS is likely to be furious. Let him be. He's likely to say stuff like, "Now it's REALLY over!" and "How can I ever trust you again!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I love that one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> Just let him be mad. It wasn't YOUR behavior that put him in this position--all you did was reveal the truth.

Sooooooo...start with exposure.

Your faithful friend,



CJ

CJ, you are awesome! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you both. We never married for a variety of reasons and have no children. We have been together for 8 years and lived together the last 6 of those years. No children.

His affair is with a co worker and I am a bit hesitant to expose the affair because of the risk of him being fired. My family already knows and he doesn't really have family to speak of. Our friends know and he actually called my best friend to see if she put me up to this. Funny thing was that I had not even spoke to her about it yet so she was totally in the dark. I guess it was a pretty interesting conversation.

I was thinking I might just confront the other woman directly but my fear is he has coached her on what to say to me.

One other question. How do you keep under control and not doubt yourself? I agree is trying to bully me into silence.

mousetrap,

Confronting the OW rarely, if ever, helps. Here's why. If the OW were a morally upright person to begin with, she would never get involved with a married man. I don't care if he did say his M was "unhappy" or that you are "separated but living together for the children" or WHAT the lie was. If she was a decent, morally upright person, she would have told him, "I have more dignity and self-respect than to become involved with someone who is willing to cheat on his committed R."

mousetrap, I was single. Yep--after my D I was single for 3 years, and I am a decent woman. I put protections around myself so that I would not "accidentally" develop feelings for an unavailable man (and thus, become an OW). On our first date, I told them to bring their finalized D papers or I wouldn't come! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> Furthermore, if some guy hit on me and flirted back a little...and then he said something like, "My M is so unhappy--she doesn't understand me" I told him point blank, "Well you come flirt with me when you are divorced and emotionally available. I have more self-respect than to become OW!" and I turned and walked away!!!!

Nothing personal, love, but OW does not care about how much this is hurting you or whether he lied or not. I'm not saying all OW are [color:"brown"]TURDS[/color] but most are. And as a [color:"brown"]TURD[/color] she will probably lie right back to you. After all, in her moral handbook, it's okay to break up families and shatter lives. She is willing to cheat and she is going to be cheated on!

So don't go to her!!

Expose to his family, your family, your supportive friends, your pastor, his employer and her employer (especially if they work together). Hey! If he gets fired, it is because he used company resources and diminished his productivity by being distracted with his mistress! It is HIS BEHAVIOR that would get him fired--not your revealing of the truth.




--CJ

How do you go about exposing to his employer? Thankfully I've never done this before

Afternoon all!

Does anybody have any tips for how to move the conversation from me having the nerve (ha ha) to expose him and actually to the fact he was cheating on me?

Refuse to talk to him about it. If he doesn't drop it, leave the room.

Have you exposed to his employer yet?

If not, you take your proof, ask to set up a meeting with HR, and then tell them that your WH has been having an affair with OW and you would like their assistance splitting them up. Let them know that you expect them to do something about it. If he gets fired, that's his fault, not yours.

Unless his company has a policy against this type of thing, you may not get a response. I say this only because you aren't married to him. If you were, I think they would be all over it. Worth a try though..

If nothing else, it will make him EXTREMELY uncomfortable to be seen with her at work. The damage will have already been done. You know how women gossip. Just imagine if you let the cat out of the bag. Imagine the dirty looks she would get.

I don't know if a live-in relationship holds that same kind of stigma when exposed as a marriage....especially a marriage with children. I am sorry you never married in 6+ years...but then again, maybe you are better off not having married him... since you are now having to experience the deep pain of infidelity. Maybe he isn't the right guy to marry afterall..better you found that our before marriage.

You have none of the protections of marriage. I would think an employer wouldn't care one way or the other...even family and friends...maybe I am wrong and too behind the times/old fashioned.

Although society seems to be heading this way...(devaluing marriage) I think that it is sad on many levels...especially those who add children to the mix...I am glad you haven't had children yet. It will be emotionally hard for you...but I say move on...he'll either wake up and realize he doesn't want to lose you (and maybe even ask you to marry him)or...not.

I am not convinced the same MB rules apply here...of course you can try the plans....

Personally, my favorite way to expose at work is to mail a certified letter and make copies of that letter. The copies are sent to: his boss, HR, his boss's boss, and her boss, her HR, and her boss's boss. The letter says that you and WH are in a long-term, committed relationship similar to a common-law marriage...that WH and OW have been using company resources to facilitate a sexual relationship (list the resource if possible: company laptop, company cell phones, company email address, company car, company travel time)...that the sexual relationship was an unwanted sexual relationship by you and by OW's H...and that using the company resources to facilitate the unwanted sexual affair has diminished their productivity.

(That usually covers the sexual harassment definitions of most companies.)

The reason it's sent to boss, HR, and boss's boss is that sometimes a supervisor will know but "keep it under the rug" hoping to keep it in his/her department--or hoping to "take care of it themselves." HR is told because once they have a sexual harassment COMPLAINT they are under obligation to investigate. The boss's boss is told to make sure that the supervisor does something to stop it...and to make sure that the company is informed that they are at legal risk. All of this is VERY business-like because it is for the legal protection OF THE COMPANY, not just for you to be a vengeful live-in. And whether you are a spouse or a long-term-live-in, the fact that they are using company resources to facilitate a sexual relationship whilst also diminishing their productivity is the part that is sexual harassment--not whether or not you have a marriage license.

Finally, although there has not been an approval by the State of your live-in, marriage arrangement, the reason I am going through the steps that I am is that they are the steps that will break an A and reconcile a relationship. Usually here on MB we defend traditional marriage (a man, a woman, a judge or clergy, and a paper from the State)--but in this instance it is still the way to end the A and reconcile.

Your true and faithful friend,



CJ